The "Har-bowl" and Parenting

How can any self-respecting psychologist, sitting at her computer the week after the Super Bowl, contemplating her “Super Bowl” column, pass up on the Harbaugh brothers story? For those who did not follow, John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, and Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, were the first siblings in history to face each other at the Super Bowl - otherwise known as the "Har-bowl."  When asked about the potential rivalry, each sibling denied it. Jim said, “That's my brother on the other side. I love him and I care about him very much.” And, we all watched the anticipated interaction between the brothers at the end of the game. There was a handshake, and John stated that , “I told him I loved him, you know, good game, and he said 'Congratulations,' you know, 'I'm proud of you.'” (There has been some post-game discussion about why they did not hug).

We have heard much in recent years about the Manning brothers and their close relationship. How about Venus and Serena Williams? They seem to get along well. What is their secret? One would actually imagine that since they were involved in the same sport, the competition would be intense. It goes against what one might intuitively think about sibling rivalry- allow each to specialize and excel in different areas to lessen the competition.

There has been some research on sibling athletes in the British Journal of Sports Medicine. One aspect of the study indicates that in actuality, two siblings being trained by the same coach is actually good for their athletic success. “Interestingly, good friends trained by the same coach will not see the same results as blood relatives in that environment. 'Siblings tend to look upon each other as competitors differently than how they look at other competitors,' says sports psychologist Christopher Carr, who consulted with American athletes at the Beijing Games. 'It actually has a way of relieving some of the externalized pressure. And in a way, they can be happier for a sibling's victory, as opposed to a stranger's, even when it's at the cost of their own success.'”

The Harbaughs', Mannings' and Williams' parents were able to raise children who while competing were able at the same time to be happy for each other. Again, what is their secret?

As parents, there are some ways we can encourage this bond. We need to give them positive opportunities to play with each other. We are so busy arranging “play dates” for every free moment of their time, that we forget the importance of children staying home and playing with their siblings. There are many a Shabbat when I am happy that I did not make plans for my children, as they have the opportunity to enjoy each other. The same with family trips. I want them to have shared experiences which are so important for life-long bonds.

But, it is essential for the time they spend “playing” together that their positive interactions outnumber their negative interactions- the research on ratios. One research study on interactions between siblings indicates that it is important to find things they can do together that they both enjoy, even if there is a gap in age or not much in common. As parents, if we can find a little time each day for them to share a positive experience it is life-changing. The key is that the positive experiences should outweigh the negative ones. Therefore, we also need to limit the time they spend together when we know they will fight.

When they are fighting- particularly for teens- we need to try not to intervene. When they are younger, we model for and train them in the steps of conflict resolution. Often, we just cannot win when we intervene, as someone will be seen as the “favorite.”

We also can encourage more kindness to each other when we catch their positive interactions and comment on them. “I really appreciated the way you helped your sister carry her bag...”

Children need to feel a part of something greater than themselves. Family is the place where they will always belong. Family traditions, rituals, and practices that only someone who grew up in your house would do are great ways to reinforce this sense of belonging. So, in our home, for example, we might sing a tune to Shalom Aleichem that no one else does. Additionally, children easily pick up the message, “In our home, family is important. We may not always get along, but we are always there for each other.” We cannot choose our siblings as we do friends- that is what makes this relationship unique. The relationship with our siblings has the longest duration of any relationship. Siblings have a shared history. We need to remember that friendships (and Super Bowl rings) come and go, but sibling relationships are permanent.