You Just Don't Understand! Teens and Perspective Taking

This past week, our 7^th graders experienced a program on the situation in Gaza brought to us by the Federation Shaliach, Mr. Avinoam Segal. The program included a presentation by Mr. Segal on the background of the Gaza conflict and the challenges it presents to Israel. The students were then split into six groups and were asked to take on the role of the group they were assigned. The groups were- IDF leaders, American Jewish leadership, U.S. Congress, a family in Sderot, a Gazan family and the Egyptian government. The students were then asked, “Imagine that you were, (for example), a Gazan family...What should we tell our political leaders, Hamas, about how we want our state to be?...How can we ever make peace with the Israelis?” (The different roles to play were created by a committee of administrators from the local Yeshivot, including Rabbi Penn, who brought this program to my attention). The exercise forced the students to take the perspective of the group they were assigned, no matter how different from their own, and attempt to make decisions the way that group would.

The primary goal of the program was to give them an understanding of the situation in Gaza and to launch our next unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By”- the obligation to do something when we see injustice in the world. Our students will spend the next month discussing this obligation and the reasons why people tend to remain bystanders and not get involved. They will focus on the importance of not being bystanders when it comes to global issues and when it comes to day to day issues, like bullying in the hallways or cheating. This unit will culminate with a political action project on behalf of Israel relating to Gaza.

However, as I was experiencing Wednesday's program, I realized that there was another goal. The program encouraged “perspective taking”- “when an observer tries to understand, in a nonjudgmental way, the thoughts, motives, and/or feelings of a target, as well as why they think and/or feel the way they do.” (The group I led focused on the perspective of the Egyptian government. One question we had to tackle was in light of the new Egyptian government, “Should Israel keep the peace treaty with Egypt?” At first all the students said, “Why should Israel? The new Egyptian government is not friendly!” However, we had an Israeli child in our group who said, “But, we want peace. We should keep the treaty as long as we can.” Another exercise in perspective taking. How many of our American children can imagine the perspective that an Israeli child can of the need for peace?)

In the article “Building better work places through individual perspective taking: A fresh look at a fundamental human process,” (where the aforementioned definition was found), Parker, Atkins and Axtell focus on the power perspective taking has on improving the workplace. Perspective taking is known to improve communication, enhance interpersonal problem-solving ability and lower interpersonal aggression and conflict. We know that these skills are need for successful friendships, marriages, workplace interactions and family lives. Many children who are not successful at friendships are found to have difficulty with perspective taking. And, for many of us, perspective taking it is not easy.

The authors state that perspective taking is an intentional and goal-directed process, and is not automatic or subconscious in any way. Therefore, it is an endeavor which requires effort. In fact, we know that there are specific regions of the brain that are recruited for this task. How good one is at this perspective taking clearly correlates with how much effort one puts into it. They maintain that perspective taking is different from empathy in that with empathy one can identify the emotions of the other, but will not necessarily understand why he/she feels that way. In addition, perspective taking demands that one accepts the perspective of the other as a legitimate one- without necessarily agreeing with that perspective. Additionally, perspective taking needs to be dynamic, as the views of the other may change, and therefore there needs to be updating and revising.

For those of us who have had an argument and have attempted to take the perspective of the other, we can testify it is not a simple task. A key component in conflict resolution is the ability to create solutions that meet the needs of all parties. The only way to do so is to first understand the perspective of the other party. This creates a win-win situation and avoids one party dominating the other. Couples in conflict tend to have little perspective taking.

For those of us with teenagers, much conflict in our lives is found at home with our children. In our 8^th grade Advisory program this week we began a unit on perspective taking with one's parents. We ask them to imagine what is like to be a parent and to think about your perspective. We also help them learn how to communicate their perspectives with you so that you can understand them better.

Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind in the Making , highlights the importance of perspective taking in our children. “We worry about school readiness in the U.S. Because we know that far too many children aren't ready for school. We tend to think that the solution is to increase what young children know- numbers, letters, concepts and content. But now think about those children who go to school and can't understand what their teachers want or expect. Studies show that these children are not ready for school either... We worry about children who bully or cyberbully...those children who get into fights because they aren't able to read the behaviors of others; they misinterpret what's going on...The children I have been talking about need to improve their skill in perspective taking.”

In our 6^th grade Advisory curriculum, we will be soon engaging in a lesson on how to “figure out” what your teacher expects from you- an essential skill to being a successful student and having a successful interpersonal career. Through attempting to see the teacher's perspective the student can identify the more subtle behaviors that “please” teachers.

As parents, what can we do to encourage perspective taking? We need to talk about the thinking and feelings of others. (What do you think Sara was thinking when she said that to you?) Talking about our own thoughts with our children is also helpful. (When I rushed you out the door I was worried that I would be late to work again). We can discuss perspectives in reading, movies and television shows. (Hermoine must have been thinking that she would never see Harry again- that is why...)

Ms. Galinsky stresses that perspective taking is not enough as many of our very successful con-men are excellent perspective takers. These skills needs to be couched in morality, (her word), and Daat Torah, (my words). At school and home we transmit social/emotional skills through the lens of the Torah.