On This Purim, Is Your Wine Glass Half Full or Half Empty?

Just when you think you have lost the game, and there is no hope, as the other team is “shmearing” you 24 to 2, you hit a homer. And, then the next player, and then the next player- both home runs. Your team's luck continues and no one strikes out for the rest of the game! Then the other team is up, and you strike out one player after another. Your team wins! It's a miracle!

Just when you think the villain is going to triumph, and the end is near, suddenly salvation appears. It's a miracle! The sheer simcha on the holiday of Purim is unparalleled in any other Jewish holiday, (despite there being a mitzvah of “V'samachta b'chagecha” on Sukkot). We had great salvations on Pesach too- but the happiness and joy felt on that holiday is not the same. Why?

It is this sudden change of events- from the depths of despair of Haman's evil plan to the extreme victory of the Jews which creates this joy. It is the “V'nahafoch hu”- and it all turned around, and in the blink of an eye Hashem can change the future.

Purim represents the concept of never giving up hope as everything can turn out right in the end. On Purim, according to the Gemara Megilla 7b, we are to get to the point where we do not know the difference between “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordechai.” This is to remind us that evil is often a passing phenomenon, and although it looks like it is gaining power, appearances can be deceiving. “V'nahafoch hu”- it all is the opposite of what it appears.

Purim is the holiday of hope and optimism. We know that the research on optimism indicates that people who are optimistic and hopeful are indeed happier, experience less stress, are more successful, healthier and even do better in school and sports. It makes perfect sense that Purim is the joyful holiday.

Dr. Martin Seligman is well- known for his research on optimism. He states the difference between people who give up when “the going gets tough” and those who persevere is the difference in how people explain bad and good events. He is famous for his “learned optimism” which clearly indicates that one is not born an optimist or pessimist, but it can be learned and taught. An “optimistic explanatory style” (the half-full syndrome) is essential for this outlook. The pessimist explains bad things that happen as permanent and pervasive in every area of his life. He says that his failures are due to some lacking in himself and not just due to situational factors. For example, when the baseball player strikes out he says it is because he has no skill, which can never change, and he is not good at any sports. When good things happen to the pessimist, he tends to describe them as temporary and only related to this particular area. For example, when the baseball player hits a home run, he says- it was a fluke and will never happen again. The optimist, on the other hand, explains a negative situation as temporary and narrowly focused to that event. He describes positive situations as permanent and pervasive. He sees his successes as due to something positive about himself and failures due to situational factors.

How does one teach optimism? By consciously thinking what an optimist would think intuitively. With practice, a pessimist can change those negative patterns of thinking. This is not permanent. Things can change for the better- “V'nahafoch hu.”

How can we as parents help our children be more optimistic and have that V'nahafoch hu thinking (I new psychological term!) ? The teenager years are particularly a time which is prone to pessimism as teens are changing “hormonally” and tend to be more irritable. Pessimistic teens tend to be more aggressive, depressed and are more likely to use alcohol and other drugs. Cindy Jett highlights some effective strategies:

1. We can help them develop a positive explanatory style. When confronted with a challenge assist them in seeing that it is not a reflection of their own personal worth and could be situational and temporary. When they have successes focus on what they did to achieve that success. It wasn't simple good luck.
2. Challenge catastrophic thinking- This type of thinking is when we imagine a catastrophic outcome. Words like “never,” “always”, “everyone” and “no one” are key signals for this type of thinking. “No one wants to be my friend.” Help them develop a more balanced view.
3. Encourage gratitude- This is a great way to teach them to see the glass “half full.” When we focus on gratitude we are training ourselves to focus on the positive. We can even share with each other what we are grateful for on a weekly basis- and not just on Thanksgiving.
4. Teach your child to be proactive- Since pessimists feel they are powerless to change their situations they do not even bother trying. This leads to helplessness and even depression. When our children share with us a situation that is making them unhappy help them brainstorm practical things they can do to make a change.
5. Model optimism- Children tend to develop the explanatory style of their parents. We need to work on being more hopeful. Watch out for how you explain negative events. When the kugel comes out burnt say, “The oven temperature was too high.” Rather than, “I am a terrible cook.”
6. Prepare for setbacks- As adults we know that most new experiences in life have bumps. Teens do not yet have the experience to know that. So, for example, before entering high school we may prepare them (without scaring them!) with some of the challenges of freshmen year. When they do suffer a setback, be realistic and help them stick to the facts, identify their strengths, (perhaps in other areas), and offer some explanations so they don't catastrophize. Stress the ability for improvement and what can change. Set goals for the future.

Being hopeful does not mean that one lives in the clouds and is not in touch with reality. Hope provides us with a mindset we can set up strategies to achieve our goals, and that increases the chances that we will actually achieve those goals.

In our Seventh Grade Advisory curriculum we spend on entire unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons- How to Face Adversity,” and we train the students in this power of hope and positive thinking. As believing Jews, we are able to be even more hopeful than the average person as we have “bitachon” - trust in G-d, as it says in Berachot 10a,“Afilu cherev chada munachat al tzavaro shel adam al yimnah atzmo min harachamim” “Even if a sharp sword is placed on a man's neck, he should not deprive himself from the quality of mercy.” Hashem does step in and creates a “V'nahafoch hu” situation.

The Sefer Otzrot HaTorah states that when we are faced with challenge the Yetzer Hara makes every effort to get a person to diminish his bitachon. (Is that our inner voice telling us to be pessimistic?!) The Baal Shem Tov says that that is specifically the time we should work on strengthening our bitachon. Bitachon may be more powerful than Tefilla. It says in Tehillim 32:10 “V'habotecah b'Hashem chesed yesovevenu” “He who trusts in Hashem, kindness surrounds him.” (Is that self-fulfilling prophecy? If I think things will go wrong, they will. But, if I think things will go right, they do).

On this Purim day, may we take the joyful lessons of hope that Purim provides and apply them to our daily lives.