Empowering Our Teens To Unite And Be The Change

 “If you want to make the team, you don't need happiness or self-esteem...If you want to teach success, don't use sympathy or tenderness.” This are the words of Miss Trunchbull to a young teacher in the Broadway musical Matilda. As I watched the show yesterday, these words struck me as someone who works in a school where we educate with “sympathy and tenderness” to have students who leave us with “happiness and self-esteem.” For those who are not familiar, the show “Matilda” is based on the book by Roald Dahl. Dahl is known for writing novels for young adolescent readers, (although the Broadway show may not be appropriate for younger viewers- see www. commensensemedia.com), with protagonists who are at the same psychosocial developmental stages as the readers. As Erik Erikson maintained, children in these middle school years and beyond are experiencing “identity versus role confusion,” and are engaged in the important task of establishing themselves as independent and self-reliant. This is particularly challenging for young adolescents as this is the time when their self-esteem is at its lowest. And, so, Matilda is able to accomplish great things as an independent young girl, and leads her friends to greatness as well.

Miss Trunchbull, the evil headmistress, rules with an iron fist, severe discipline and corporal punishment. Matilda discovers her own ability to rise above her life situation in school and at home and brings her peers along with her. The children unite and reveal Miss Trunchbull for the true “bully,” (as Matilda calls her), she is. The power of the children united is no match for the bullying.

On Erev Shavuot, our students displayed this unity in establishing and coordinating our first ever Yavneh Unity Day. Some months ago, 14 of our 7^th and 8^th graders attended a conference at the JCC on Tolerance and Anti-bullying. Two of our own 8^th graders, Dina Jawetz and Jessica Orski, were on the planning committee of the conference and spent hours after school at the JCC with student representatives from other local schools creating the conference. After the conference, Dina and Jessica were charged with coming back to Yavneh and spreading the message with the other students who attended the conference. The students came up with the idea for Unity Day.

On that day, every class in the school- Pre-k- 8- started the day with a developmentally appropriate short video geared for that age group about not bullying, respecting others, including peers and other related themes. Dina, Jessica and I spent time choosing the videos and matching them to the appropriate grade level. Teachers then led discussions on the video to highlight our themes of respect for others and unity, and what they can do make everyone in the school feel respected and a part of the community. Then, each class made a paper chain on which they colored slogans about not bullying. Our committee of students who had attended the JCC conference went to the classrooms, collected the chains and then joined all the chains together to create one long chain, and hung it in our lunchroom with the words "Be the change." The entire school wore blue- the color of anti-bullying. The Middle School students spent time at their Yom Iyun learning about topics related to Achdut and Kavod for one another- both appropriate themes to prepare for Shavuot.

The importance of Unity Day in combating bullying is that we know that the bystanders are the ones with the true power to stand up to bullying and social exclusion, (which is the type of bullying we often see among middle schoolers). Aside from the time we spend in Advisory relaying the skills to be “upstanders” instead of “bystanders,” we know that when we encourage unity against bullying it emphasizes the role that each student plays in making our school a safe place for all students. No one would dare attempt to bully another as he/she knows that he is fighting the entire school when he/she does so.

Our students also had the opportunity to feel united and part of something bigger than themselves when our 7^th graders ran the Shavuot flower sale. As you know, they were raising money for victims of rocket attacks in Israel and all proceeds went to that support. Aside from the wonderful mitzvah they accomplished, they united as a grade to make this campaign happen. They also felt the unity and the sense of belonging to the Jewish people, as they joined with their brothers and sisters in Israel to feel their pain. (Kudos to Leora Barkai and Yechiel Hyman who spearheaded this campaign!)

Feeling united, a sense of belonging and being a part of something greater than oneself is essential for self-esteem, (despite Miss Trunchbull thinking it is detrimental to children!). Abraham Maslow, in his hierarchy of needs, explained what humans need for basic survival and growth. Each level needs to be satisfied before higher needs can be achieved. At the bottom are the physiological needs- food, water etc. If these needs are unmet, a human cannot reach higher needs. Next are safety needs- a sense of security and predictability in the world. After that are the love and belonging needs. People need to belong to a group and feel accepted. Only then can a person reach the next level of esteem needs- self esteem and feeling that one is competent, worthwhile and independent. That leads to the highest level that Maslow calls “Self-actualization” and realizing one's full potential.

And, so, we know that unity creates that sense of belonging essential for that self-esteem in life. This is even more true for teens as we know the power of both positive and negative peer pressure and their need to be with peers. The group is a place where a teen feels accepted, and where he can feel good about himself and it increases his self-image. A strong sense of belonging is essential for a positive self-esteem. This sense of belonging relates to one's relationship with one's family as well. As parents, we need to work on making sure our children feel like they belong. They belong to our family unit and they belong to an extended family and an ancestry. As we tell stories of their great grandparents and their ancestors we create a feeling that they are part of something greater than themselves. Despite the fact that they may say they detest those family reunions, they are essential for their self-worth.

And, of course, when a child is bullied, the group can be a dangerous place and a place where he/she does not belong. Through programs like the Unity Day and the flower sale we reinforce that our community is a place of belonging. Through empowering the students to take charge of programs and “be the change” we promote self-esteem and self-efficacy.

As Matilda and her friends said in the show, “Even if you're little you can do a lot. You mustn't let a little thing like little stop you. If you sit around and let them top you you won't change a thing. Just because you find that life's not fair it doesn't mean you have to just grin and bear it... And, if it's not right you have to put it right.” They united to make it right, as did our students here at Yavneh to bring more “sympathy and tenderness” into the world.

Why Does The Torah And Why Do Parents Have So Many Rules And Restrictions?

A few weeks before each Chag, I go down to the basement to the container of “Yom Tov books” and I bring up the childrens' books that relate to the upcoming holiday. My younger children sit around me on the Shabbatot leading up to the holiday and we read those old favorites every year. It builds excitement for the Chag ahead and they learn some information at the same time. No Rules for Michael is the name of one of the “Shavuot books” that I brought up a few weeks ago. Written by Sylvia A. Rouss, (of Sammy Spider fame), the book is about a preschool class learning about the Aseret HaDibrot as a set of rules for the Jews. To bring the concept home, she asks the students about what are the rules in their classroom. Michael raises his hand and says, “I don't like rules. It would be a lot more fun if we could do whatever we wanted. School would be the best place if we didn't have any rules.” So, of course, Morah Sharon says that they will try an experiment and the next day they will not have any rules. The story continues that due to the lack of rules, Michael trips over someone's backpack, he never gets a turn with the puzzles, at circle time no one will listen to him, on the playground he does not get a turn and at snack time someone takes his food off his plate. Michael begins to cry and admits to the morah that without rules he was unable to do any of the things he wanted. The children realize the importance of rules and the Aseret HaDibrot.

In reality, children thirst for rules. They may complain about them, but they need and want them. The same applies to teenagers. Years ago, I had a teenage student in my school whose parents were “absentee parents.” There was very little structure and no consequences for misbehavior. He would continuously misbehave. This young man said to me, “I wish my parents would punish me once in a while. At least then I would know that they cared.” It was as if he was misbehaving hoping that they would punish him.

Although teenagers are yearning for independence they need and want us to set boundaries for them. They will never say to us, “Can you please make some more rules?” , but it is important for them know what is expected of them and what their boundaries are. Teens are less likely to rebel in homes where there are clear expectations and rules. Rules that are consistent are comforting to them. They know that they never have to worry about what you expect and that you will not change the rules. They truly do want to do what is right . They still need their parents and have an easier time earning their trust as they know exactly what they need to do to gain that trust. The teenage years are full challenges- peer pressure, drugs, driving, parties etc. When we set rules and provide limits we help them maneuver through this confusing time.

The most successful way to set up rules for teens is by allowing them to have a say in the setting up of the rules. Not only should we involve them in, setting up the rules, but also in setting up the consequences. It is essential for “buy-in” and also trains them in decision making, (what behaviors are okay and what aren't), and thinking ahead about consequences. Of course, in a case where a child and parent do not agree on the rules and/or consequences parents are entitled to say, “No.”

Similar to the Michael children's story above, teens need to have an understanding what life would be like without rules. The book Lord of the Flies, commonly read in adolescence, is a perfect example of what life would be like without rules. Interestingly enough, if we ask our children what rules they might have for their own children one day we would note that they have some rules that we would not even imagine. Recently, in doing the unit on cell phone and internet safety with the sixth grade, we asked them to tell us what rules their parents have regarding the above. Students were able to compare the rules of their different families and to think about the reasons behind the rules their parents have established.

Teens also are at an age where they might ask, “Why does Judaism have so many rules?” Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob discusses what a parent should say to a child when he/she asks this question. It is important to not be judgmental or defensive when answering such a question. We should tell him that we are glad he is thinking and it is a good question. We must take the question seriously. We should empathize that we understand why he might feel this way.

It is also important to stress that Judaism is not against having fun, as long as it is safe to the body and the spirit. We do know that there are different kinds of fun. Fun can be constructive or destructive, (i.e. drugs). The negative Mitzvot in the Torah are all there to protect us from activities that are destructive to our Neshama and our spirituality. Even things that appear to be innocent, can be “poisonous” as appearances are deceiving, and only G-d knows the true consequence of engaging in certain behaviors. (I like to give the kids the example of Shabbos. Today, all the research says that families that eat meals together are more prone to have children who resist drugs and other at-risk behaviors. We see Shabbat as a day we are “forced” to sit with our families and focus only on them. In reality, it protects us). Most importantly, teens are at an age where they need to know the difference between joy and fun. Fun can be a counterfeit joy. Using Shabbat again as an example, Dr. Lob states, “Fun is Saturday night. Joy is Friday night. It is the joy of a family sitting down together to eat and sing. It is a joy of quiet, of inner reflection, and of human-divine intimacy. Fun is external and fleeting. Joy is inward and lasting.”

“But, Judaism is full of so many restrictions!” Restriction, in fact, helps us enjoy life's pleasures even more. If I like steak, says Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, and I had it every night it would no longer be the same. Or music that I liked- if I only listened to that group all day, they would no longer be so enjoyable. “When G-d bestowed upon us that great instruction manual for living, also known as the Torah, he included in it 613 regulations, also known as the commandments. These are the ingredients which, when adhered to, comprise that total recipe for fulfillment on this world...365 of them are things not to do. O.K...call them restriction, if you like... that when adhered to, comprise the greatest blueprint for our greatest enjoyment.”

And, so, these restrictions are not there to punish, restrict, frustrate or constrict our lifestyle. “Quite the contrary! It is rather to make certain that we are pacing ourselves properly, so as not to over-indulge on any single benefit this world has to offer- thereby diluting the excitement and appreciation of each experience.” In the ideal world, self-regulation to ensure that we don't harm our bodies and souls would be better. But, we realistically know that we are better when we are given rules.

“A really good parent knows all too well, that the worse thing you can do to your child is to never say, 'No,' to him. Want a sure-fire way to get him to hate that new set of hyper, ergo-dynamic, jumbo, tumbo, energized, jet-powered lego? Let him play with it all day. Then watch his interest fade into cyberspace. Life without restriction is colorless, jaded and uninspired.”

“...She'ein lecha ben chorin ela mi she-oseik b'talmud Torah, she'kol mi she'oseik b'Torah harei zeh mitale.” The Mishna in Avot comments on the fact that in the pasuk in Shemot 32:16 it says that the script of G-d was “chorut” (engraved) on the tablets. The Mishna states, “do not read the word Chorut- engraved, but rather, cheirut- free. Only one who delves into the Torah is truly free for anyone who delves into the Torah becomes elevated.” This statement is counter-intuitive. With all the restrictions the Torah places on us- how can we be free? For with the rules set out by the Torah we are truly free from the control of one's instincts and passions. We are no longer their hostages.

In general, as with all rules, the Mitzvot ensure that we stop and think before we act. We do not live life on cruise control. Rules that we set in our family accomplish the same thing. The particular of the rules are not essential. Our children will always be faced by circumstance not “covered” by the rules we have established. Our goal is for our children to stop and think before they act and consider whether the behavior they are about to do is good for their body and their spirit even when, and especially when, we are not with them.

Resiliency- The Secret to Being a "Survivor"

If you grew up in the 80’s, the word “Survivor” means a band from the 80’s famous for their “Eye of the Tiger.” For those who are growing up in this decade, “Survivor” is a reality show where contestants are stranded in the wilderness and compete for prizes. For me, the word “Survivor” conjures up images of my grandparents who were Holocaust survivors. The word survivor conjures up the unfathomable strength and resiliency needed to continue on and begin life anew

Being the generations growing up in the world of Survivor the band or Survivor the reality show, we and our children can’t really comprehend what it means to be the survivors that my grandparents were. G-d forbid, would we have had the strength of character and the resiliency to be the survivors they were? They faced incredible challenges and losses, and yet bounced back

However, our children need those resiliency skills, as they will inevitably face challenges in life and will need the resiliency skills to be “survivors” as we ll. Whether failing a test or breaking up with a boyfriend, life is full of small disappointments, (which don’t feel so small as they are happening). And, unfortunately, many face bigger losses in life. I often speak to children who are truly survivors as they weather difficult life circumstances with grace and fortitude.

A more recent story of survival to which our children can better relate is that of Adrienne Haslet-Davis. She is a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombing. She is a professional dancer and ballroom dancing instructor who has been dancing her whole life. Adrienne was walking around the area with her husband, who had just came back from Afghanistan. The bomb went off four feet from where they where. She needed to have her foot amputated. When she woke up from surgery her family knew how painful it would be to tell her. Dancing was her whole life. But, Adrienne asserted, “I will absolutely dance again and do whatever it takes to get there.” In fact, the show Dancing with the Stars plans to feature her recovery and will have her perform live on the show.

What is the secret to being a survivor? It is the difference, as we demonstrate to the students in Advisory, ( in the unit we call “When Life Gives You Lemons”), between an egg and a bouncy ball. The bouncy ball – the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. The egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life. Raw eggs - who shatter when faced with an obstacle. And, then the bouncy ball people who can face obstacles and bounce back. The key is resiliency.

What are the steps and skills needed for resiliency? Two weeks ago, our 7^th graders met a real-life example of resiliency as Mr. Yitzy Haber came to speak about his life experiences. Some of you may know Yitzy as he is one of the “shnitzel guys” who runs the “ruach” at Bar Mitzvahs. You may see him in the middle wearing a florescent suit and doing something crazy with the boys to get them into the simcha. I met Yitzy for the first time when I invited him to Yavneh a few years ago to teach the boys simcha dancing. A few days after he left, someone forwarded me an article about his life. (You can read this article at http://www.aish.com/sp/so/A_Leg_to_Stand_On.html).

Yitzy was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 11 and at the age of 13 had his leg amputated and has a prosthetic leg. Incredible, I thought. The man makes a living from dancing with boys at smachot all on a prosthetic leg. This is a prime example of “when life gives you lemons... make lemonade”- perfect for our unit in Advisory. (For those of you who know me, you know that I look at everything in life in terms of how I can fit it into Advisory!) So, I invited him in to speak with the students, thinking he'd share how he made it through tough times. I did not expect to be laughing along with the students at most of his presentation. He has an incredible way of creating humor out of dark situations. And, there the students saw how he coped with difficult situations- through utilizing humor- a wonderful strategy. Our 7^th graders will spend the next month learning the skills and strategies for resiliency and bouncing back.

What can we as parents do to raise resilient children? There are four basic areas of strengths needed for resiliency. First, children need to know that they have relationships that are dependable and people to whom they can reach out when they have troubles. Second, they need the coping skills to not be overwhelmed by their emotions when upset. Third, they need to have the competence and confidence to problem solve. Fourth, they need an optimistic and hopeful outlook on life.

There are various ways to strengthen those four components. As parents, we play a significant role. 1. Relationships- the relationship with ones parents is the most important one for a child. It was easy to have communicative relationship when they were younger. Now that they are teens, they are distancing themselves and even challenging our authority. We need to put more effort into strengthening the relationship. No matter what they do or say we relay the message that we are always there for them in challenging times. Children also need to learn the skills of reaching out to others in their lives. For example, when a child is having a hard time in a class, we encourage him to reach out to the teacher instead of doing it for him.

2. We can teach our children from a young age some positive coping skills to utilize when they are upset. Most importantly is the focus on positive self-talk and reminding oneself of positive messages when in trouble. “I can do okay. I have done so in the past, and I will do so again.” Directly ask your child what would he say to a friend who was in the same difficult situation? He should then say the same to himself. Things like a sense of humor, the ability to distract oneself, activities that tend to be soothing are all ways we can model and teach to our children coping skills. We need to help them learn how to deal with stress most simply by helping them discover activities or strategies that help them feel better when they are stressed.

3. When children feel that things simply happen to us and are beyond our control, they cannot achieve true competence. When they feel that they can control and make things happen in their lives, they achieve competence. Through fostering independence, assertiveness, perseverance and problem solving skills we help our children feel competent. We do this through authoritative and not authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parenting is when we set reasonable limits and use fair consequences while at the same providing some freedom with guidance. Authoritarian parents are overly harsh and rely on control. Therefore children only learn how to obey. This parenting style does not foster self-discipline and the ability to make good choices.

4. Optimism is not in-born. Children can learn the skill of optimistic thinking. As I mentioned in a previous column, optimism is not an illogical and unrealistic positive attitude. For example, if Sam is not a particularly skilled soccer player, as a pessimist he would think, “The coach hates me. I'll never be good enough for him. And, besides, I'm really not an athlete.” As an optimist he might say, “True, I'm not as athletic as some other kids, but with lots of practice and maybe a few more inches by next year, I can be a valuable member of the team.” As parents, we can gently challenge their negative thoughts and provide a positive one instead. The more we model optimistic thinking the better.

Being resilient parents helps us raise children with resiliency. Our children learn how to “make lemonade” from us.