Why Does The Torah And Why Do Parents Have So Many Rules And Restrictions?

A few weeks before each Chag, I go down to the basement to the container of “Yom Tov books” and I bring up the childrens' books that relate to the upcoming holiday. My younger children sit around me on the Shabbatot leading up to the holiday and we read those old favorites every year. It builds excitement for the Chag ahead and they learn some information at the same time. No Rules for Michael is the name of one of the “Shavuot books” that I brought up a few weeks ago. Written by Sylvia A. Rouss, (of Sammy Spider fame), the book is about a preschool class learning about the Aseret HaDibrot as a set of rules for the Jews. To bring the concept home, she asks the students about what are the rules in their classroom. Michael raises his hand and says, “I don't like rules. It would be a lot more fun if we could do whatever we wanted. School would be the best place if we didn't have any rules.” So, of course, Morah Sharon says that they will try an experiment and the next day they will not have any rules. The story continues that due to the lack of rules, Michael trips over someone's backpack, he never gets a turn with the puzzles, at circle time no one will listen to him, on the playground he does not get a turn and at snack time someone takes his food off his plate. Michael begins to cry and admits to the morah that without rules he was unable to do any of the things he wanted. The children realize the importance of rules and the Aseret HaDibrot.

In reality, children thirst for rules. They may complain about them, but they need and want them. The same applies to teenagers. Years ago, I had a teenage student in my school whose parents were “absentee parents.” There was very little structure and no consequences for misbehavior. He would continuously misbehave. This young man said to me, “I wish my parents would punish me once in a while. At least then I would know that they cared.” It was as if he was misbehaving hoping that they would punish him.

Although teenagers are yearning for independence they need and want us to set boundaries for them. They will never say to us, “Can you please make some more rules?” , but it is important for them know what is expected of them and what their boundaries are. Teens are less likely to rebel in homes where there are clear expectations and rules. Rules that are consistent are comforting to them. They know that they never have to worry about what you expect and that you will not change the rules. They truly do want to do what is right . They still need their parents and have an easier time earning their trust as they know exactly what they need to do to gain that trust. The teenage years are full challenges- peer pressure, drugs, driving, parties etc. When we set rules and provide limits we help them maneuver through this confusing time.

The most successful way to set up rules for teens is by allowing them to have a say in the setting up of the rules. Not only should we involve them in, setting up the rules, but also in setting up the consequences. It is essential for “buy-in” and also trains them in decision making, (what behaviors are okay and what aren't), and thinking ahead about consequences. Of course, in a case where a child and parent do not agree on the rules and/or consequences parents are entitled to say, “No.”

Similar to the Michael children's story above, teens need to have an understanding what life would be like without rules. The book Lord of the Flies, commonly read in adolescence, is a perfect example of what life would be like without rules. Interestingly enough, if we ask our children what rules they might have for their own children one day we would note that they have some rules that we would not even imagine. Recently, in doing the unit on cell phone and internet safety with the sixth grade, we asked them to tell us what rules their parents have regarding the above. Students were able to compare the rules of their different families and to think about the reasons behind the rules their parents have established.

Teens also are at an age where they might ask, “Why does Judaism have so many rules?” Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob discusses what a parent should say to a child when he/she asks this question. It is important to not be judgmental or defensive when answering such a question. We should tell him that we are glad he is thinking and it is a good question. We must take the question seriously. We should empathize that we understand why he might feel this way.

It is also important to stress that Judaism is not against having fun, as long as it is safe to the body and the spirit. We do know that there are different kinds of fun. Fun can be constructive or destructive, (i.e. drugs). The negative Mitzvot in the Torah are all there to protect us from activities that are destructive to our Neshama and our spirituality. Even things that appear to be innocent, can be “poisonous” as appearances are deceiving, and only G-d knows the true consequence of engaging in certain behaviors. (I like to give the kids the example of Shabbos. Today, all the research says that families that eat meals together are more prone to have children who resist drugs and other at-risk behaviors. We see Shabbat as a day we are “forced” to sit with our families and focus only on them. In reality, it protects us). Most importantly, teens are at an age where they need to know the difference between joy and fun. Fun can be a counterfeit joy. Using Shabbat again as an example, Dr. Lob states, “Fun is Saturday night. Joy is Friday night. It is the joy of a family sitting down together to eat and sing. It is a joy of quiet, of inner reflection, and of human-divine intimacy. Fun is external and fleeting. Joy is inward and lasting.”

“But, Judaism is full of so many restrictions!” Restriction, in fact, helps us enjoy life's pleasures even more. If I like steak, says Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, and I had it every night it would no longer be the same. Or music that I liked- if I only listened to that group all day, they would no longer be so enjoyable. “When G-d bestowed upon us that great instruction manual for living, also known as the Torah, he included in it 613 regulations, also known as the commandments. These are the ingredients which, when adhered to, comprise that total recipe for fulfillment on this world...365 of them are things not to do. O.K...call them restriction, if you like... that when adhered to, comprise the greatest blueprint for our greatest enjoyment.”

And, so, these restrictions are not there to punish, restrict, frustrate or constrict our lifestyle. “Quite the contrary! It is rather to make certain that we are pacing ourselves properly, so as not to over-indulge on any single benefit this world has to offer- thereby diluting the excitement and appreciation of each experience.” In the ideal world, self-regulation to ensure that we don't harm our bodies and souls would be better. But, we realistically know that we are better when we are given rules.

“A really good parent knows all too well, that the worse thing you can do to your child is to never say, 'No,' to him. Want a sure-fire way to get him to hate that new set of hyper, ergo-dynamic, jumbo, tumbo, energized, jet-powered lego? Let him play with it all day. Then watch his interest fade into cyberspace. Life without restriction is colorless, jaded and uninspired.”

“...She'ein lecha ben chorin ela mi she-oseik b'talmud Torah, she'kol mi she'oseik b'Torah harei zeh mitale.” The Mishna in Avot comments on the fact that in the pasuk in Shemot 32:16 it says that the script of G-d was “chorut” (engraved) on the tablets. The Mishna states, “do not read the word Chorut- engraved, but rather, cheirut- free. Only one who delves into the Torah is truly free for anyone who delves into the Torah becomes elevated.” This statement is counter-intuitive. With all the restrictions the Torah places on us- how can we be free? For with the rules set out by the Torah we are truly free from the control of one's instincts and passions. We are no longer their hostages.

In general, as with all rules, the Mitzvot ensure that we stop and think before we act. We do not live life on cruise control. Rules that we set in our family accomplish the same thing. The particular of the rules are not essential. Our children will always be faced by circumstance not “covered” by the rules we have established. Our goal is for our children to stop and think before they act and consider whether the behavior they are about to do is good for their body and their spirit even when, and especially when, we are not with them.