“If you want to make the team, you
don't need happiness or self-esteem...If you want to teach success,
don't use sympathy or tenderness.” This are the words of Miss
Trunchbull to a young teacher in the Broadway musical Matilda. As I
watched the show yesterday, these words struck me as someone who
works in a school where we educate with “sympathy and tenderness”
to have students who leave us with “happiness and self-esteem.”
For those who are not familiar, the show “Matilda” is based on
the book by Roald Dahl. Dahl is
known for writing novels for young adolescent readers, (although the
Broadway show may not be appropriate for younger viewers- see www.
commensensemedia.com), with protagonists who are at the same
psychosocial developmental stages as the readers. As Erik
Erikson maintained, children in these middle school years and beyond
are experiencing “identity versus role confusion,” and are
engaged in the important task of establishing themselves as
independent and self-reliant. This is particularly challenging for
young adolescents as this is the time when their self-esteem is at
its lowest. And, so, Matilda is able to accomplish great things as
an independent young girl, and leads her friends to greatness as
well.
Miss Trunchbull, the evil
headmistress, rules with an iron fist, severe discipline and corporal
punishment. Matilda discovers her own ability to rise above her life
situation in school and at home and brings her peers along with her.
The children unite and reveal Miss Trunchbull for the true “bully,”
(as Matilda calls her), she is. The power of the children united is
no match for the bullying.
On Erev Shavuot, our students
displayed this unity in establishing and coordinating our first ever
Yavneh Unity Day. Some months ago, 14 of our 7th and 8th
graders attended a conference at the JCC on Tolerance and
Anti-bullying. Two of our own 8th graders, Dina Jawetz
and Jessica Orski, were on the planning committee of the conference
and spent hours after school at the JCC with student representatives
from other local schools creating the conference. After the
conference, Dina and Jessica were charged with coming back to Yavneh
and spreading the message with the other students who attended the
conference. The students came up with the idea for Unity Day.
On that day, every class in the
school- Pre-k- 8- started the day with a developmentally appropriate
short video geared for that age group about not bullying, respecting
others, including peers and other related themes. Dina, Jessica and
I spent time choosing the videos and matching them to the appropriate
grade level. Teachers then led discussions on the video to highlight
our themes of respect for others and unity, and what they can do make
everyone in the school feel respected and a part of the community.
Then,
each class made a paper chain on which they colored slogans about not
bullying. Our committee of students who had attended the JCC
conference went to the classrooms, collected the chains and then
joined all the chains together to create one long chain, and hung it
in our lunchroom with the words "Be the change." The entire
school wore blue- the color of anti-bullying. The Middle School
students spent time at their Yom Iyun learning about topics related
to Achdut
and Kavod
for one another- both appropriate themes to prepare for Shavuot.
The
importance of Unity Day in combating bullying is that we know that
the bystanders are the ones with the true power to stand up to
bullying and social exclusion, (which is the type of bullying we
often see among middle schoolers). Aside from the time we spend in
Advisory relaying the skills to be “upstanders” instead of
“bystanders,” we know that when we encourage unity against
bullying it emphasizes the role that each student plays in making our
school a safe place for all students. No one would dare attempt to
bully another as he/she knows that he is fighting the entire school
when he/she does so.
Our
students also had the opportunity to feel united and part of
something bigger than themselves when our 7th
graders ran the Shavuot flower sale. As you know, they were raising
money for victims of rocket attacks in Israel and all proceeds went
to that support. Aside from the wonderful mitzvah they accomplished,
they united as a grade to make this campaign happen. They also felt
the unity and the sense of belonging to the Jewish people, as they
joined with their brothers and sisters in Israel to feel their pain.
(Kudos to Leora Barkai and Yechiel Hyman who spearheaded this
campaign!)
Feeling
united, a sense of belonging and being a part of something greater
than oneself is essential for self-esteem, (despite Miss Trunchbull
thinking it is detrimental to children!). Abraham Maslow, in his
hierarchy of needs, explained what humans need for basic survival and
growth. Each level needs to be satisfied before higher needs can be
achieved. At the bottom are the physiological needs- food, water
etc. If these needs are unmet, a human cannot reach higher needs.
Next are safety needs- a sense of security and predictability in the
world. After that are the love
and belonging needs.
People need to belong to a group and feel accepted. Only then can a
person reach the next level of esteem
needs-
self esteem and feeling that one is competent, worthwhile and
independent. That leads to the highest level that Maslow calls
“Self-actualization” and realizing one's full potential.
And,
so, we know that unity creates that sense of belonging essential for
that self-esteem in life. This is even more true for teens as we
know the power of both positive and negative peer pressure and their
need to be with peers. The group is a place where a teen feels
accepted, and where he can feel good about himself and it increases
his self-image. A strong sense of belonging is essential for a
positive self-esteem. This sense of belonging relates to one's
relationship with one's family as well. As parents, we need to work
on making sure our children feel like they belong. They belong to our
family unit and they belong to an extended family and an ancestry. As
we tell stories of their great grandparents and their ancestors we
create a feeling that they are part of something greater than
themselves. Despite the fact that they may say they detest those
family reunions, they are essential for their self-worth.
And,
of course, when a child is bullied, the group can be a dangerous
place and a place where he/she does not belong. Through programs
like the Unity Day and the flower sale we reinforce that our
community is a place of belonging. Through empowering the students
to take charge of programs and “be the change” we promote
self-esteem and self-efficacy.
As Matilda and her friends said in the show, “Even if you're little
you can do a lot. You mustn't let a little thing like little stop
you. If you sit around and let them top you you won't change a
thing. Just because you find that life's not fair it doesn't mean you
have to just grin and bear it... And, if it's not right you have to
put it right.” They united to make it right, as did our students
here at Yavneh to bring more “sympathy and tenderness” into the
world.
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