Resiliency- The Secret to Being a "Survivor"

If you grew up in the 80’s, the word “Survivor” means a band from the 80’s famous for their “Eye of the Tiger.” For those who are growing up in this decade, “Survivor” is a reality show where contestants are stranded in the wilderness and compete for prizes. For me, the word “Survivor” conjures up images of my grandparents who were Holocaust survivors. The word survivor conjures up the unfathomable strength and resiliency needed to continue on and begin life anew

Being the generations growing up in the world of Survivor the band or Survivor the reality show, we and our children can’t really comprehend what it means to be the survivors that my grandparents were. G-d forbid, would we have had the strength of character and the resiliency to be the survivors they were? They faced incredible challenges and losses, and yet bounced back

However, our children need those resiliency skills, as they will inevitably face challenges in life and will need the resiliency skills to be “survivors” as we ll. Whether failing a test or breaking up with a boyfriend, life is full of small disappointments, (which don’t feel so small as they are happening). And, unfortunately, many face bigger losses in life. I often speak to children who are truly survivors as they weather difficult life circumstances with grace and fortitude.

A more recent story of survival to which our children can better relate is that of Adrienne Haslet-Davis. She is a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombing. She is a professional dancer and ballroom dancing instructor who has been dancing her whole life. Adrienne was walking around the area with her husband, who had just came back from Afghanistan. The bomb went off four feet from where they where. She needed to have her foot amputated. When she woke up from surgery her family knew how painful it would be to tell her. Dancing was her whole life. But, Adrienne asserted, “I will absolutely dance again and do whatever it takes to get there.” In fact, the show Dancing with the Stars plans to feature her recovery and will have her perform live on the show.

What is the secret to being a survivor? It is the difference, as we demonstrate to the students in Advisory, ( in the unit we call “When Life Gives You Lemons”), between an egg and a bouncy ball. The bouncy ball – the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. The egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life. Raw eggs - who shatter when faced with an obstacle. And, then the bouncy ball people who can face obstacles and bounce back. The key is resiliency.

What are the steps and skills needed for resiliency? Two weeks ago, our 7^th graders met a real-life example of resiliency as Mr. Yitzy Haber came to speak about his life experiences. Some of you may know Yitzy as he is one of the “shnitzel guys” who runs the “ruach” at Bar Mitzvahs. You may see him in the middle wearing a florescent suit and doing something crazy with the boys to get them into the simcha. I met Yitzy for the first time when I invited him to Yavneh a few years ago to teach the boys simcha dancing. A few days after he left, someone forwarded me an article about his life. (You can read this article at http://www.aish.com/sp/so/A_Leg_to_Stand_On.html).

Yitzy was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 11 and at the age of 13 had his leg amputated and has a prosthetic leg. Incredible, I thought. The man makes a living from dancing with boys at smachot all on a prosthetic leg. This is a prime example of “when life gives you lemons... make lemonade”- perfect for our unit in Advisory. (For those of you who know me, you know that I look at everything in life in terms of how I can fit it into Advisory!) So, I invited him in to speak with the students, thinking he'd share how he made it through tough times. I did not expect to be laughing along with the students at most of his presentation. He has an incredible way of creating humor out of dark situations. And, there the students saw how he coped with difficult situations- through utilizing humor- a wonderful strategy. Our 7^th graders will spend the next month learning the skills and strategies for resiliency and bouncing back.

What can we as parents do to raise resilient children? There are four basic areas of strengths needed for resiliency. First, children need to know that they have relationships that are dependable and people to whom they can reach out when they have troubles. Second, they need the coping skills to not be overwhelmed by their emotions when upset. Third, they need to have the competence and confidence to problem solve. Fourth, they need an optimistic and hopeful outlook on life.

There are various ways to strengthen those four components. As parents, we play a significant role. 1. Relationships- the relationship with ones parents is the most important one for a child. It was easy to have communicative relationship when they were younger. Now that they are teens, they are distancing themselves and even challenging our authority. We need to put more effort into strengthening the relationship. No matter what they do or say we relay the message that we are always there for them in challenging times. Children also need to learn the skills of reaching out to others in their lives. For example, when a child is having a hard time in a class, we encourage him to reach out to the teacher instead of doing it for him.

2. We can teach our children from a young age some positive coping skills to utilize when they are upset. Most importantly is the focus on positive self-talk and reminding oneself of positive messages when in trouble. “I can do okay. I have done so in the past, and I will do so again.” Directly ask your child what would he say to a friend who was in the same difficult situation? He should then say the same to himself. Things like a sense of humor, the ability to distract oneself, activities that tend to be soothing are all ways we can model and teach to our children coping skills. We need to help them learn how to deal with stress most simply by helping them discover activities or strategies that help them feel better when they are stressed.

3. When children feel that things simply happen to us and are beyond our control, they cannot achieve true competence. When they feel that they can control and make things happen in their lives, they achieve competence. Through fostering independence, assertiveness, perseverance and problem solving skills we help our children feel competent. We do this through authoritative and not authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parenting is when we set reasonable limits and use fair consequences while at the same providing some freedom with guidance. Authoritarian parents are overly harsh and rely on control. Therefore children only learn how to obey. This parenting style does not foster self-discipline and the ability to make good choices.

4. Optimism is not in-born. Children can learn the skill of optimistic thinking. As I mentioned in a previous column, optimism is not an illogical and unrealistic positive attitude. For example, if Sam is not a particularly skilled soccer player, as a pessimist he would think, “The coach hates me. I'll never be good enough for him. And, besides, I'm really not an athlete.” As an optimist he might say, “True, I'm not as athletic as some other kids, but with lots of practice and maybe a few more inches by next year, I can be a valuable member of the team.” As parents, we can gently challenge their negative thoughts and provide a positive one instead. The more we model optimistic thinking the better.

Being resilient parents helps us raise children with resiliency. Our children learn how to “make lemonade” from us.