Thanksgivukkah Parenting All Year Long

              A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of participating in Shabbat Yavneh as I delivered a shiur/parenting talk on “Chanukah Parenting” all year long.  As I shared, our children might hope that Chanukah parenting means giving gifts all year every day. No.  Through the presentation,  I pinpointed some messages that the holiday of Chanukah highlight and how we can apply them to parenting throughout the year.

In thinking about the teenage years, one aspect that serves as a challenge is the teen's materialism.  The Holiday of Chanukah may accentuate this materialism since as the chag approaches each child creates a “list” of what gifts he or she wants.  This season in America is generally so commercialized and taunts the teen. Teens have a hard time distinguishing between needs and wants. They need to have a certain piece of clothing or technology to be like their friends.  Certain brands are a must.

There have been numerous studies on the topic.  Since the 1980's, when research in this area began, there has been a significant increase in marketing geared to teens.  Billions of dollars a year are spent at marketing towards teens.

As a result, “teens are inundated with so much marketing about the importance of brands to identity and image, it has changed the way they socialize with each other, interact with adults and view themselves and the world, says child psychologist Allen Kanner, PhD, author of the book Psychology and Consumer Culture: The Struggle for a Good Life in a Material-istic World.” 

Children in today’s world are being raised with the message that by purchasing the desired item one can solve all of life’s problems. Adolescents are the most susceptible as they are by nature insecure have low self-esteem, and are searching for personal identity.  Peer pressure and fitting in are primary. They are learning that if they have the right material possessions they will be “in.”

“’The problem,’ says Kanner, ‘is that marketers manipulate that attraction, encouraging teens to use materialistic values to define who they are and aren't. In doing that, marketers distort the organic process of developing an identity by hooking self-value to brands,’ he adds. ‘More naturally, you might develop your identity around, for example, doing good in the world or building a career out of an interest,’ he explains.” How sad.  Do we want our children developing their identities around the products they own?  Kanner continues to state that marketing also discourages being different or being an individual.  Marketing also encourages teens to reject the “older generation.”  These are all values antithetical to Judaism.

In addition, there is tremendous pressure on both boys and girls on how they plan to fulfill their gender roles. Much research has been done with girls particularly.  Advertising promises them beauty, popularity, happiness, relationships etc. if they simply buy a specific product, robbing them of “self-awareness and self-esteem and encouraging them to look outside themselves for comfort, values and direction.”

The majority of 9-14 year olds agree, "When you grow up, the more money you have, the happier you are,”  and  "The only kind of job I want when I grow up is one that gets me a lot of money."A 2007 research study indicated that parents' are fearful that children  are become increasingly materialistic and less generous as they hit teenage years .  Research demonstrates this to be true, as it indicates that as children grow older they score higher on ratings of materialism and lower on generosity scales.  Something is going wrong.  American teens are truly convinced that the more material items they have they happier they will be.

Chanukah deals with the same battle against materialism. The Greek culture was known for its    materialism.  Greek culture worshipped physical perfection.  Judaism teaches that the potential for human greatness results from the ability to subjugate the physical to the spiritual. This is symbolized by the number eight- eight nights of Chanukah. The symbol for the natural, physical world is the number seven.  The number eight symbolizes spiritual transcendence, representing that which breaks through the bounds of physical limitation (symbolized by seven) and aspires for a higher reality, one that lies beyond materialism, beyond superficiality, Marisa N. Picker points out.  

At the Shabbat Yavneh shiur we spoke about some strategies to combat this materialism. One of them fits in perfectly with the Thanksgivukkah- or the combination of Thanksgiving and Chanukah we celebrate this week.  We can weed out the materialistic messages in a number of ways, but one way to combat them is by cultivating a sense of thankfulness and gratitude in our children. All the research indicates that raising grateful children can fight the materialism that surrounds us.

            Sorah Yocheved Rigler, in her article “Beyond Just Desserts- A Recipe for Thanksgiving” writes the four steps of gratitude: 1. Recognizing the good that you possess 2. Acknowledge that it is a gift and not something that you are entitled to 3. Identify the source of that gift- either G-d or a human being 4. Express your thanks. 

In Hebrew, the term for gratitude is הכרת הטוב-   Recognizing the good.  It is not easy to be grateful. One must stop and recognize how lucky one is. We can help our children stop and recognize the good they have already by training them to do so.

            One small way- insist on thank you notes, or thank you calls, or even an e-mail. It is important that from a young age children learn that not everything is “coming to them.”  When opening presents, focus on the giver, “Wow. Cheryl knew you loved purple and went out of her way to buy you everything in purple.”  Involve your children in chesed activities. They appreciate what they have more when they realize how much less others have.  Most importantly, as they grow older we need to remember to point out that the people we admire are not just the people who have the right “stuff” – materials, but rather our role models are the people who have the right “stuff” inside- midot and character traits.   

Digital Parenting- Who Is Responsible?

  “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”  These are the words I quoted in my last week's column by Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist. She highlighted the difference social media has made in sports, and most particularly in the case of Rebecca Marino, a professional tennis player who quit due to being harassed on social media.

I want to focus on that component of "de-individuation," as how many times have we, as adults, said, "I'd rather text/e-mail than call"- as it is often easier to say things on-line than in person. When it comes to cyberbullying, we see this de-individuation taken to the extreme.

We all know the case of Rebecca Ann Sedwick who committed suicide this past September after being taunted through texting and photosharing cellphone applications. The "bullies" were charged with a felony, despite being only 15.

We as parents need to carefully monitor the technology use of our children- whether to protect them from being victimized or from writing something inappropriate to others. We do know that Rebecca's mother claimed to be keeeping careful tabs on her, as she shut down her Facebook page and took her cellphone away, gave her new phone number, and continued to oversee her "digital footprint." Without her mother knowing, Rebecca signed on for new applications- ask.fm, Kik and Voxer. (I don't know about you, but I have no idea what those are without googling them. But, there are most definitely rules that need to be established with our teens if they have those apps). There was clear evidence on her phone that she was in danger. Her mother would have seen others communicating with her, "Why are you still alive? You are ugly." And, Rebecca posting, "How many Advil do you have to take to die?" As parents, we are having a hard time keeping up with the digital lives of our children. Things are changing daily.

The local media has been enaged in a discussion around the controversial bringing of felony charges against the bullies who drove Rebecca to her death. Emily Bazelon in slate.com maintains that charging these girls with a felony is not the answer, "...why aren't we holding the adults around them- their parents- responsible?" Mark O'Mara on CNN.com agrees. "If a teen kills someone while recklessly using the family car, the parents can be legally responsible. Why should using a computer or cellphone provided by the parent be any different? In the Internet era, parents should no longer be allowed to plead ignorance; they need to understand that the technology they give to their children can be used to break the law and inflict harm...Before we lose another child laws should be passed to hold parents responsible if their kids use online tools as weapons."

Believe it or not, there are laws in many states that enforce potential repercussions for parents when their children commit crimes. A study in 2005 investigated whether the public supports parental punishment. 69% of those polled "thought parents of delinquent teens were at least partially responsible." California made it a crime for parents to "fail to exercise reasonable care, supervision, protection and control" over their children. "At least 36 states hold parents responsible to some extent when their children break the law." Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, Missouri and Texas require community service for parents of criminals. Other states go as far as parental incarceration. The Child Access Prevention laws, (found in about 1/4 of states), penalize adults with a either a prison sentence or a fine when firearms fall into the hands of children who are underage. Local governments, like Cincinnati, require "guardians of unsupervised minors to take a parenting class, perform community service and/or pay a fine."

Are we responsible for the misbehaviors of our children? The Midrash in Bereishit Rabba 63:10 states, "For thirteen years, a person must manage his son; from here on, he must say, 'Blessed is He who released me from punishment of this one.'" This is the source for the beracha that is customary to say when a son reaches Bar Mitzvah. What is the meaning of this beracha? Before bar mitzvah, since the father is responsible for his upbringing, he receives punishments for his son's deeds. After bar mitzvah, the son is then obligated to strengthen himself in Torah and Mitzvot, according to the Mishna Berurah, and therefore the father is no longer held culpable for his deeds. But, the Mishna Berurah does add, "Know, that although he is no longer responsible for his upbringing/education (chinuch), the father remains obligated to chastise his son whenever necessary, and if he fails to do this, he is held responsible." So, clearly, according to halacha, there is a concept of being responsible and even punishable for the sins of ones children. Does that change at bar mitzvah age? The Mishna Berurah indicates that one is still responsible. And, for those of us who breathed a sigh of relief when the beracha was recited, realize that new guidelines by British psychologists define the age of 25 as the new end of adolescence! So, clearly today's bnei mitzvah are not ready.

Rabbi Chaim Jachter highlighted the Gemara in Masechet Sukkah 56b, which quotes the following Baraita: "The rabbis taught, it once happened with Miriam bat Bilgah that she abandoned her religion and went to marry a Greek officer. When the Greeks entered the Beit HaMikdash, she kicked her sandal against the alter and said, 'Wolf, wolf, for how long will you deplete Jewish money and not stand by them in poverty.'"

Who was this Miriam bat Bilgah? She was from a famous family of Kohanim. When the Beit HaMikdash returned to its service, the family of Bilgah was penalized for Miriam's act of disrespect to the Mikdash and the altar. "Normally, each Kohein family served in the Holy Temple for a week (once every 24 weeks). At the end of the week, the incoming and outgoing families would divide the Lechem HaPanim (showbread; see VaYikra 24:5-9) between themselves. Usually the incoming family would divide it in the north of the Temple courtyard, while the outgoing family would do so in the south. The Bilgah family always had to divide their share of the Lechem HaPanim on the southern side. Additionally, each family had its own ring affixed to the floor, in which the head of the animal was enclosed to hold it down during slaughter. Each family also had their own niche to store knives. The Bilgah family’s ring and niche were permanently closed, forcing them to borrow these needed items from the other priestly families; because of this, they suffered great embarrassment."

Although there were other explanations as to why this family suffered, it does seem to indicate that the whole family suffered due to the behavior of Miriam. Why? Abaye responds, "a child's words are invariably opinions repeated from what he or she heard at home."

It seems to be an overwhelming (and perhaps unfair), responsibility for parents. How can we guarantee that our children will do the right thing?

We cannot guarantee. But, we can try our best. The famous case of the ben sorer u'moreh- the "wayward son" lists numerous requirements for a son to be guilty and to be called this horrific title. One of these requirements is that the parents must be able to clearly "see" their son and point with their fingers saying the words "beneinu zeh." Rabbi Leff says that parents need to be able to truly see their child and point to what they need. If parents are blind to what is going on with their children, they cannot raise, educate and protect them in today's world.

I maintain that that is our primary responsibility- to truly "see" our children. We cannot afford to be blind to what they are doing or engaged in- whether in real-life or on-line. We need to educate ourselves, screen all their equipment- phones, iPod, iPads, computers etc., and let them know that we know what they are doing. Before we hand over any piece of technology to our children, we need to consider not only whether they are ready, but rather are we as parents equipped and/or ready for the supervision that piece of technology requires. We need to be prepared for the heart to heart talk that goes along with every additional device we give them. We need to make clear how we feel about cyberbullying, and stress our expectations. (We also want them to know that if they ever read or see anything that makes them uncomfortable, they should share it with us). "Don't you trust me?" they might ask. Let's not fall into this trap. We do this all because we care about them. We want to protect them.  

Foul or Fair Play

Jonathan Martin, a player on the Dolphins, left his team this past Thursday claiming an abusive environment. He was repeatedly bullied and teased by his teammates, who called him names. On Thursday, he went to the cafteteria to sit with his teammates and they all got up to sit elsewhere. Sounds like a something one might watch on television on one of those "tween" shows. Believe it or not, this "bullying" did not happen in a middle school lunchroom. It happened among grown men. Some of his teammates stated that the pranks played on Martin were "normal stuff" that goes on in any locker room.

Some articles stressed that despite the fact that in sports there is "traditional" hazing, the treatment to which he was subjected was beyond what's acceptable. Some reporters maintained that it may be tough for Martin to rejoin the Dophins after reporting on his teammates. I'd be curious to hear what your children think. There was one article I came across which called the incident evidence of the "wussification of America." The author maintains that Martin needed to develop a "thicker skin" and that "locker rooms are not safe houses for sensitive people." Ask your teen, what is considered acceptable teasing? Is there such a thing? How about with sports?

I know that when a child comes to me with a sports- related "bullying" incident, I often have to take a step back and even sometimes consult with a faculty member who is more of an athlete than I. What is considered bullying? If the ball is kept away from a student the whole game each time they play, is it bullying? But, what if he isn't a good athlete and they just want to win? Is there ever a case when a child needs to have a "thicker skin"? At the end of the day, I maintain that even on a pro-team, there needs to be limits when someone is feeling victimized. And, whether or not our middle schoolers want to admit it, we are not professional athletes and the the feelings of a child are more important than winning the game. I know that many students, (and even adults), do not relate to that perspective.

Some other questions to ask your child: Do you think that Martin will be able to return to his team? In general, if someone feels victimized and reports to get some help, will there be retaliation? Is that fair? How can we ever expect anyone to come for help if he is fearful of retaliation? As someone who spends much time each year doing anti-bullying training and intervention with students, the biggest issue that I confront is the fear of the victims and the bystanders to come forward as they imagine that the bully and his/her friends will retaliate.

Dr. Joel Haber, an author on bullying and children, discusses the pervasiveness of bullying on the sports fields. "On the playing field in the sports world a fine line exists between competitive play and bullying.  Another way to make this distinction is to talk about the line between fair play and foul play." Dr. Haber created a chart that "provides a clear definition of bullying in the sports world to help team members become more aware of when they are crossing the line in an inappropriate way." See http://respectu.com/assets/BullyingDefinitionsSports.pdf for Dr. Haber's chart. Dr. Haber highlights the three types of bullying as seen in sports:  Physical bullying is the easiest to identify and what most of us know as bullying.  This consists of hitting, slapping, head butting, towel snapping, tripping, physical violence against another’s will, etc.  Verbal bullying includes name calling, unwanted nicknames, making fun of others, taunting, rudeness and threats of violence or harm to another, etc. Relational bullying can be excluding another player, gossiping, “talking trash” meant to hurt another, embarrassment of a player in front of others, etc.

But, some of the above behaviors sound typical in sports. How does one know one has crossed the line from fair to foul? Bullying is when one or more team members (the bully or bullies) target a single other person (the victim) and use behavior that has the intention to hurt that person.  The bully must have power over the victim and have intent to harm the victim. 

Some months ago, in February 2013, another pro-athlete quit her sport due to cyberbullying. Rebecca Marino, a Canadian tennis player who was ranked as 38^th in the world, announced that she would be retiring from professional tennis due to her struggling with online bullying and abuse she was getting from fans that were berating her on social media. Yogi Berra once said, "Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical." An athlete's pscyhe is an important component of her success. It used to be, if fans were unhappy with the performanc of an ahtlete, they would grumble amongst each other, (or maybe in the hallways after shul was over). Today, fans have direct access through social media. Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist stresses the difference that social media has made in that, “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”

The New York Times stated, “Marino said what bothered her most were messages sent via Twitter by people angry because they said they had lost money betting on her matches. ‘They’ll say, ‘You gave that match away, you cost me such-and-such amount of money, you should go burn in hell,’ or ‘You should go die,’” Marino said. ‘And, oh my gosh, that is really scary.’‘You know, there’s that saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ But that’s not true. Names definitely hurt. Words hurt...Some people think I’m too sensitive. I disagree; I’m just being human.”

We can ask our children- is there such a thing as being too sensitive? Do you think that the fans have a right to write whatever they wish as they are the "paying fans" and she get paid lots of money to do what she does? How about on our sports teams? And, how does social media affect our athletics?

What do we as parents and educators do to to stop bullying among our young athletes? We need to advocate for our children, and not just say, "boys will be boys" or "that's the way to get kids to work hard and play hard." We are lucky enough to have coaches who set the tone and do not tolerate beahvior that seems "foul." There are famous coaches who are known for their bullying behaviors. Our coaches stress, through modeling, that we do not bully. As with all bullying, we need to empower the bystanders to do something about it. Although I do admit that I am not that athletic, I do know that most sports are about working as a team. Being a team player means making sure that everyone is part of the team.

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Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began our Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette unit.

Seventh Grade- Students put teamwork and communication skills into practice on their Frost Valley Retreat.

Eighth Grade- After guided self-reflection concerning their strengths, students filled out the Self -Evaluation worksheets on-line, which are utilized in their high school applications.