Foul or Fair Play

Jonathan Martin, a player on the Dolphins, left his team this past Thursday claiming an abusive environment. He was repeatedly bullied and teased by his teammates, who called him names. On Thursday, he went to the cafteteria to sit with his teammates and they all got up to sit elsewhere. Sounds like a something one might watch on television on one of those "tween" shows. Believe it or not, this "bullying" did not happen in a middle school lunchroom. It happened among grown men. Some of his teammates stated that the pranks played on Martin were "normal stuff" that goes on in any locker room.

Some articles stressed that despite the fact that in sports there is "traditional" hazing, the treatment to which he was subjected was beyond what's acceptable. Some reporters maintained that it may be tough for Martin to rejoin the Dophins after reporting on his teammates. I'd be curious to hear what your children think. There was one article I came across which called the incident evidence of the "wussification of America." The author maintains that Martin needed to develop a "thicker skin" and that "locker rooms are not safe houses for sensitive people." Ask your teen, what is considered acceptable teasing? Is there such a thing? How about with sports?

I know that when a child comes to me with a sports- related "bullying" incident, I often have to take a step back and even sometimes consult with a faculty member who is more of an athlete than I. What is considered bullying? If the ball is kept away from a student the whole game each time they play, is it bullying? But, what if he isn't a good athlete and they just want to win? Is there ever a case when a child needs to have a "thicker skin"? At the end of the day, I maintain that even on a pro-team, there needs to be limits when someone is feeling victimized. And, whether or not our middle schoolers want to admit it, we are not professional athletes and the the feelings of a child are more important than winning the game. I know that many students, (and even adults), do not relate to that perspective.

Some other questions to ask your child: Do you think that Martin will be able to return to his team? In general, if someone feels victimized and reports to get some help, will there be retaliation? Is that fair? How can we ever expect anyone to come for help if he is fearful of retaliation? As someone who spends much time each year doing anti-bullying training and intervention with students, the biggest issue that I confront is the fear of the victims and the bystanders to come forward as they imagine that the bully and his/her friends will retaliate.

Dr. Joel Haber, an author on bullying and children, discusses the pervasiveness of bullying on the sports fields. "On the playing field in the sports world a fine line exists between competitive play and bullying.  Another way to make this distinction is to talk about the line between fair play and foul play." Dr. Haber created a chart that "provides a clear definition of bullying in the sports world to help team members become more aware of when they are crossing the line in an inappropriate way." See http://respectu.com/assets/BullyingDefinitionsSports.pdf for Dr. Haber's chart. Dr. Haber highlights the three types of bullying as seen in sports:  Physical bullying is the easiest to identify and what most of us know as bullying.  This consists of hitting, slapping, head butting, towel snapping, tripping, physical violence against another’s will, etc.  Verbal bullying includes name calling, unwanted nicknames, making fun of others, taunting, rudeness and threats of violence or harm to another, etc. Relational bullying can be excluding another player, gossiping, “talking trash” meant to hurt another, embarrassment of a player in front of others, etc.

But, some of the above behaviors sound typical in sports. How does one know one has crossed the line from fair to foul? Bullying is when one or more team members (the bully or bullies) target a single other person (the victim) and use behavior that has the intention to hurt that person.  The bully must have power over the victim and have intent to harm the victim. 

Some months ago, in February 2013, another pro-athlete quit her sport due to cyberbullying. Rebecca Marino, a Canadian tennis player who was ranked as 38^th in the world, announced that she would be retiring from professional tennis due to her struggling with online bullying and abuse she was getting from fans that were berating her on social media. Yogi Berra once said, "Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical." An athlete's pscyhe is an important component of her success. It used to be, if fans were unhappy with the performanc of an ahtlete, they would grumble amongst each other, (or maybe in the hallways after shul was over). Today, fans have direct access through social media. Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist stresses the difference that social media has made in that, “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”

The New York Times stated, “Marino said what bothered her most were messages sent via Twitter by people angry because they said they had lost money betting on her matches. ‘They’ll say, ‘You gave that match away, you cost me such-and-such amount of money, you should go burn in hell,’ or ‘You should go die,’” Marino said. ‘And, oh my gosh, that is really scary.’‘You know, there’s that saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ But that’s not true. Names definitely hurt. Words hurt...Some people think I’m too sensitive. I disagree; I’m just being human.”

We can ask our children- is there such a thing as being too sensitive? Do you think that the fans have a right to write whatever they wish as they are the "paying fans" and she get paid lots of money to do what she does? How about on our sports teams? And, how does social media affect our athletics?

What do we as parents and educators do to to stop bullying among our young athletes? We need to advocate for our children, and not just say, "boys will be boys" or "that's the way to get kids to work hard and play hard." We are lucky enough to have coaches who set the tone and do not tolerate beahvior that seems "foul." There are famous coaches who are known for their bullying behaviors. Our coaches stress, through modeling, that we do not bully. As with all bullying, we need to empower the bystanders to do something about it. Although I do admit that I am not that athletic, I do know that most sports are about working as a team. Being a team player means making sure that everyone is part of the team.

____________________________________________________________________________
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began our Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette unit.

Seventh Grade- Students put teamwork and communication skills into practice on their Frost Valley Retreat.

Eighth Grade- After guided self-reflection concerning their strengths, students filled out the Self -Evaluation worksheets on-line, which are utilized in their high school applications.