Digital Parenting- Who Is Responsible?

  “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”  These are the words I quoted in my last week's column by Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist. She highlighted the difference social media has made in sports, and most particularly in the case of Rebecca Marino, a professional tennis player who quit due to being harassed on social media.

I want to focus on that component of "de-individuation," as how many times have we, as adults, said, "I'd rather text/e-mail than call"- as it is often easier to say things on-line than in person. When it comes to cyberbullying, we see this de-individuation taken to the extreme.

We all know the case of Rebecca Ann Sedwick who committed suicide this past September after being taunted through texting and photosharing cellphone applications. The "bullies" were charged with a felony, despite being only 15.

We as parents need to carefully monitor the technology use of our children- whether to protect them from being victimized or from writing something inappropriate to others. We do know that Rebecca's mother claimed to be keeeping careful tabs on her, as she shut down her Facebook page and took her cellphone away, gave her new phone number, and continued to oversee her "digital footprint." Without her mother knowing, Rebecca signed on for new applications- ask.fm, Kik and Voxer. (I don't know about you, but I have no idea what those are without googling them. But, there are most definitely rules that need to be established with our teens if they have those apps). There was clear evidence on her phone that she was in danger. Her mother would have seen others communicating with her, "Why are you still alive? You are ugly." And, Rebecca posting, "How many Advil do you have to take to die?" As parents, we are having a hard time keeping up with the digital lives of our children. Things are changing daily.

The local media has been enaged in a discussion around the controversial bringing of felony charges against the bullies who drove Rebecca to her death. Emily Bazelon in slate.com maintains that charging these girls with a felony is not the answer, "...why aren't we holding the adults around them- their parents- responsible?" Mark O'Mara on CNN.com agrees. "If a teen kills someone while recklessly using the family car, the parents can be legally responsible. Why should using a computer or cellphone provided by the parent be any different? In the Internet era, parents should no longer be allowed to plead ignorance; they need to understand that the technology they give to their children can be used to break the law and inflict harm...Before we lose another child laws should be passed to hold parents responsible if their kids use online tools as weapons."

Believe it or not, there are laws in many states that enforce potential repercussions for parents when their children commit crimes. A study in 2005 investigated whether the public supports parental punishment. 69% of those polled "thought parents of delinquent teens were at least partially responsible." California made it a crime for parents to "fail to exercise reasonable care, supervision, protection and control" over their children. "At least 36 states hold parents responsible to some extent when their children break the law." Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, Missouri and Texas require community service for parents of criminals. Other states go as far as parental incarceration. The Child Access Prevention laws, (found in about 1/4 of states), penalize adults with a either a prison sentence or a fine when firearms fall into the hands of children who are underage. Local governments, like Cincinnati, require "guardians of unsupervised minors to take a parenting class, perform community service and/or pay a fine."

Are we responsible for the misbehaviors of our children? The Midrash in Bereishit Rabba 63:10 states, "For thirteen years, a person must manage his son; from here on, he must say, 'Blessed is He who released me from punishment of this one.'" This is the source for the beracha that is customary to say when a son reaches Bar Mitzvah. What is the meaning of this beracha? Before bar mitzvah, since the father is responsible for his upbringing, he receives punishments for his son's deeds. After bar mitzvah, the son is then obligated to strengthen himself in Torah and Mitzvot, according to the Mishna Berurah, and therefore the father is no longer held culpable for his deeds. But, the Mishna Berurah does add, "Know, that although he is no longer responsible for his upbringing/education (chinuch), the father remains obligated to chastise his son whenever necessary, and if he fails to do this, he is held responsible." So, clearly, according to halacha, there is a concept of being responsible and even punishable for the sins of ones children. Does that change at bar mitzvah age? The Mishna Berurah indicates that one is still responsible. And, for those of us who breathed a sigh of relief when the beracha was recited, realize that new guidelines by British psychologists define the age of 25 as the new end of adolescence! So, clearly today's bnei mitzvah are not ready.

Rabbi Chaim Jachter highlighted the Gemara in Masechet Sukkah 56b, which quotes the following Baraita: "The rabbis taught, it once happened with Miriam bat Bilgah that she abandoned her religion and went to marry a Greek officer. When the Greeks entered the Beit HaMikdash, she kicked her sandal against the alter and said, 'Wolf, wolf, for how long will you deplete Jewish money and not stand by them in poverty.'"

Who was this Miriam bat Bilgah? She was from a famous family of Kohanim. When the Beit HaMikdash returned to its service, the family of Bilgah was penalized for Miriam's act of disrespect to the Mikdash and the altar. "Normally, each Kohein family served in the Holy Temple for a week (once every 24 weeks). At the end of the week, the incoming and outgoing families would divide the Lechem HaPanim (showbread; see VaYikra 24:5-9) between themselves. Usually the incoming family would divide it in the north of the Temple courtyard, while the outgoing family would do so in the south. The Bilgah family always had to divide their share of the Lechem HaPanim on the southern side. Additionally, each family had its own ring affixed to the floor, in which the head of the animal was enclosed to hold it down during slaughter. Each family also had their own niche to store knives. The Bilgah family’s ring and niche were permanently closed, forcing them to borrow these needed items from the other priestly families; because of this, they suffered great embarrassment."

Although there were other explanations as to why this family suffered, it does seem to indicate that the whole family suffered due to the behavior of Miriam. Why? Abaye responds, "a child's words are invariably opinions repeated from what he or she heard at home."

It seems to be an overwhelming (and perhaps unfair), responsibility for parents. How can we guarantee that our children will do the right thing?

We cannot guarantee. But, we can try our best. The famous case of the ben sorer u'moreh- the "wayward son" lists numerous requirements for a son to be guilty and to be called this horrific title. One of these requirements is that the parents must be able to clearly "see" their son and point with their fingers saying the words "beneinu zeh." Rabbi Leff says that parents need to be able to truly see their child and point to what they need. If parents are blind to what is going on with their children, they cannot raise, educate and protect them in today's world.

I maintain that that is our primary responsibility- to truly "see" our children. We cannot afford to be blind to what they are doing or engaged in- whether in real-life or on-line. We need to educate ourselves, screen all their equipment- phones, iPod, iPads, computers etc., and let them know that we know what they are doing. Before we hand over any piece of technology to our children, we need to consider not only whether they are ready, but rather are we as parents equipped and/or ready for the supervision that piece of technology requires. We need to be prepared for the heart to heart talk that goes along with every additional device we give them. We need to make clear how we feel about cyberbullying, and stress our expectations. (We also want them to know that if they ever read or see anything that makes them uncomfortable, they should share it with us). "Don't you trust me?" they might ask. Let's not fall into this trap. We do this all because we care about them. We want to protect them.