Sam's Philosophy For A "Very Happy Life"

               I have been spending much time this past school year thinking about happiness. On Simchat Torah I was privileged to give a shiur at my shul on the Jewish Pursuit of Happiness.   A different spin on this same concept was the basis for the shiur I delivered at the Yachad Shabbaton in Fair Lawn. (For those of us who have ever attended Yachad- a happier bunch you will never find!)  Most recently, the theme of my family Mishloach Manot was "Mitzvah gedolah l'hiyot b'simcha tamid"- "It is a mitzvah to be in the constant state of happiness." (R' Nachman M'Breslov).  Needless to say, happiness has been on my mind.

               This search for happiness led me to Sam Berns.  Sam Berns was a boy from Sharon, Massachusetts who died this past January at the age of 17 from the rare disease called progeria.  Progeria is a genetic disease which strikes less than 350 children in the world which causes accelerated aging.  I first read of Sam Berns in an article by Yonatan Rosenblum and it spurred me on to learn more. 

               One month before his passing, Sam delivered a TED talk on the topic of  "My philosophy for a happy life." (You can watch this talk at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36m1o-tM05g).    Some time ago, he shared, he was interviewed and asked, "What is the most important thing that people should know about you?"  He responded, "My answer was simply- I have a very happy life. Even though there are  many obstacles in my life, I don't want people to feel bad for me... I don't think about these obstacles all the time and I can overcome them anyway." He then continued to offer his three tips for happiness:  

1.  "I am okay with what I ultimately can't do because there is so much I can do.  Most of my time is spent thinking about things that have nothing to do with progeria at all. I know what I am missing out on, but instead I choose to focus on things I can do.  Sometimes I need to find a different way to do things by making adjustments and I want to put those in the can -do category. (Isn't this a lesson we wish to relay to our children? We want them to see the cup half full instead of  half empty.  Through maintaining positive attitudes, finding solutions when they think a challenge is insurmountable and through taking some risks our children can be raised with Sam's tip #1. I call this tip: "Who is rich? He who is satisfied with his lot." (Avot 4:1). )

2. " I surround myself with people I want to be with- people with high quality.  We see each other for who we are in the inside... I am at the highest point when I am with the people that surround me every day.  They provide the real positive influence in my life... I hope you appreciate and love your family, friends, and acknowledge your mentors and community... My family and mentors always make me feel whole and good about myself." (We all know the power of positive peer pressure. We ask our teens to evaluate- do I feel good about the person I "become" when I am with this friend? Do my friends influence me to do the right thing?  Do my friends support me or often do they "walk all over me"?  Do they appreciate me for who I am in the inside?  These conversations start from a young age.  I actively say out loud to my own children why I have chosen some of my own friends- how their special qualities bring out the best in me-even as an adult. I call this tip: "Make for yourself a rabbi, acquire for yourself a friend..." (Avot 1:6)).

3. "Keep moving forward.  Walt Disney said, 'Around here we don't look backwards for very long...We keep moving forward. Opening up new doors and doing new things.' I always try to have something to look forward to and something to strive for. It doesn't have to be something big.  There is a bright future ahead that might get me through some difficult times. Staying in a forward thinking state of mind. I try not to waste energy feeling sorry for myself. If I do, I get stuck in a paradox where there is no room for happiness or any other emotion. It's not that I ignore when I'm feeling badly. I let it in so I can acknowledge it, and do what I need to do to move past it."  (Wow! The ability to learn from past mistakes and experiences rather than be scarred by them is a skill we want all our children to have.  Dwelling in upset is simply "wasting energy feeling sorry" for oneself. How can we take that energy and put it towards planning a better future situation?  We all need help in letting go of hurt and using it for self-improvement and improving the situation around us. We teach our children to say, "Okay. I am hurt. The situation is not what I want. Now what can I do about it? I know it will get better".  I call this tip "Who is wise? He who can see the future" (Tamid 32a))

               Sam ended his talk speaking about a recent illness the year before. He stated that being brave is not easy.  He then asserted that "no matter what I choose to become I will change the world..."   ( Sam then ended with his last tip for achieving happiness, "Never miss a party if you can help it."  Let's not forget that sometimes having fun causes happiness!).

               In Sam's short lifetime, he did change the world.  His parents, (both doctors), founded the Progeria Research Foundation.  The Foundation discovered in 2003 that the disease is caused by a tiny mutation in a single gene.  Sam was also part of a research study conducted by the foundation which paved the way for the first treatment for progeria.  Research they conducted provided information about aging in general.   And, as Yonatan Rosenblum noted at Sam's passing, "Just one month ago, he said publicly, 'I believe I can change the world.'  And he did. No matter what our challenges, there is no one who could watch Sam describe his “happy life” without being strengthened."

Leaving Your Comfort Zone For Courage Zone

             Courage.  This past week Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a Child Life Specialist at The Stephen D. Hassenfeld Children’s Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders at the NYU Langone Medical Center,  presented to our 7^th graders about the  true courage she witnesses daily. What is a Child Life Specialist? In short, they are “pediatric health care professionals who work with children and families in hospitals and other settings to help them cope with the challenges of hospitalization, illness, and disability.”  Mrs. Srolovitz described to our students what her center is like through taking them on a virtual tour of the facility, describing to them some of the challenges faced by the patients, and her role in helping them cope with some of the difficulties of undergoing treatments. 

           

             Our students then decorated stuffed animals (gorillas) with encouraging phrases and pictures that will be delivered to patients by some of our students.  Speaking about illness and asking our students to perhaps deliver some of the gorillas asks them to step outside their comfort zones.  For most children, and adults, connecting with someone with illness is awkward. They do not know what to say. They do not know how to act.  In Advisory, they learn about the power of the words we say to ourselves when faced by challenge, and the words we can share with others. 

             I feel that stepping outside their comfort zones is essential for teens. Dr. Marilyn Price Mitchell highlights that particularly teens may be best suited for this as they are known for their risk-taking behavior.  She states that we always associate risk-taking behaviors as being negative and leading to dangerous behaviors.  There is, however, a positive side to risk-taking which encourages teens to stretch their comfort zones.  “Happiness is not just about doing things you like.  It also requires growth and adventuring beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone…Curious people invest in activities that cause them discomfort as a springboard for higher psychological peaks.” In her research study she found that this kind of  risk-taking” led to teens feeling a “sense of accomplishment and self-esteem that came from learning to solve problems, working with others and pushing their comfort zones.”  All these benefits came despite their noting that they felt “scared.”  In today’s society we often find people who avoid discomfort at all costs.  Discomfort is essential in building resiliency.  Since the teenage brain craves risk-taking, we can help them utilize this natural inclination for the positive. When was the last time your teen went out of his/her comfort zone for the good?   Risk-taking can increase happiness, Dr. Mitchell stresses.

            Margie Warrell from Forbes demonstrates how “getting comfortable with discomfort” is essential for success in life. “… no worthwhile aspiration can be accomplished from within our comfort zone.  Only in giving up the security of the known can we create new opportunity, build capability, and grow influence.  As we do, we expand the perimeter of our ‘Courage Zone’ and our confidence to take on bigger challenges in the future.”   I would like to borrow her term “Courage Zone.” We need to step out of our comfort zones and out into our courage zones where we risk the chance of failure, are willing to face criticism, and are able to deal with the discomfort.  Let’s help our children step into and expand their “courage zones.”

            This term courage reminds me of when Mrs. Srolovitz most poignantly described a program they run called Beads of Courage. As the Beads of Courage website describes, “Children who participate in the program receive colored beads that represent milestones, procedures, and acts of bravery. For instance, they get a yellow bead for an overnight hospital stay, a white one for chemotherapy, and a glow-in-the-dark bead for radiation treatment. It's not uncommon for children to amass 10, 20 -- even 35 -- feet of beads. It helps young patients track and celebrate their progress, but it also gives them a way to get through upcoming procedures, says Gwendolyn Possinger, the coordinator of Children's Memorial Hospital's Beads of Courage program in Chicago.   ‘A child facing another needle can look at his beads and realize that he made it through before so he can do it again,’ she says.”  These beads testify to the courage these children use to face life’s challenges.  In Advisory we share that all challenges- from the big test the next day, a fight with a friend or, G-d forbid, an illness, they all take courage. 

            In Megillat Esther we read of Esther’s struggle in going before Achashveirosh as Mordechai had asked her.  She responded in 4: 11, “All the king’s servants, and the people of the king’s provinces, know, that whoever, whether man or woman, shall come to the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is a law; to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden scepter, that he may live; but I have not been called to come to the king these thirty days.”  Esther ultimately acquiesces, but she needed to step out of her comfort zone and into her courage zone.  She was truly afraid. 

            Using the Purim story and Esther as an example, we relay the message to our children that being courageous does not mean not being fearful. It means doing what you need to do even though you are afraid.  We do not admire people for being fearless. Overcoming those fearful feelings, and expanding our “courage zones” is that which is admirable.  

           

           

Let It Go

“Let it go. Let it go. Can’t hold it back anymore…” At any given moment one can hear one’s children singing that song at home or even at school between periods. (There is even a rumor that  a whole class sang it recently together! )  “Let it go” is the song that was awarded Best Original Song at the 86^th Academy Awards this past Sunday.  It is from the Disney movie Frozen, which won an Oscar for Best Animated Feature.   Children all over the globe are singing “Let it go”- in all different languages. (My children found it in Hebrew on youtube).

As we know, research  indicates that there is clear impact of lyrics on childhood behavior. I, therefore, am always the first to try to hear the lyrics. Here are some:

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in,
don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel,
don't let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care
what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway

                In thinking about these lyrics, I considered that the song is really advocating the importance of letting out ones feelings and not concealing them.  In the discussion of whether one should suppress or express ones feelings, the song highlights the freedom one feels when one expresses all that he/she has been keeping inside.   (Parents, please note:  I am utilizing this song and movie as a “teachable moment” with which to engage our children, and not as a source for wisdom!)

             As parents, should we be encouraging the “venting”  of feelings and letting loose?  While Elsa was unable to share her powers to turn things into ice (i.e., she was concealing), she was miserable and separated from others.  On the other hand, as one can see in the movie, once the character Elsa “let it go” it caused great destruction and fear in the country and caused for her to be isolated from others.  We know quite well the wrath of a teenager who vents all that he/she is thinking towards their siblings, or even a teacher with deleterious effects. 

            We nowadays know  intuitively that bottling up one’s emotions is not healthy- emotionally and physically. In fact, a recent September study by Harvard’s School of Public Health showed that those who suppress their feelings can be 1/3 more likely to die young and 70% more likely to have cancer.  Suppressing and ignoring feelings can lead to stress, anxiety and other mental health issues.

            However, I believe in teaching our children the power of controlled venting.  (Going back to the movie, the problem with Elsa once she “let it go” was that she did not know how to control her powers or her emotions).   It is important to understand and express our feelings, but we cannot allow our feelings to rule.  Dr. Miriam Adahan calls this “emotional modesty.”  When sharing our emotions with others will overwhelm them it is “immodest,” as the person is unable to “receive your pain with empathy and compassion.” It is not always appropriate to expose ones feelings.   She uses the example of adults letting go in front of their children who typically cannot handle those emotions.  Adahan also adds that at times venting about ones problems can allow one to feel better for a short time, but may “exacerbate self-pity and despair.”  (Interestingly enough, University of Buffalo psychologist Mark Seery demonstrated in his research study that after experiencing a collective trauma it might actually be better  not to express one’s feelings, leading to more resiliency). 

Furthermore, Adahan continues, often sharing one’s feelings can cause the humiliation of others.   And, of course, there are times that sharing one’s internal thoughts and feelings can lead to others “using the information against you.”  Letting one’s boss know how irritating his habits are can obviously lead to dismissal.  One must vent in a savvy manner.  I often work with students on evaluating, what is the best way to express what I want without causing more trouble for myself? Children need to be trained on stopping to think about the possible consequences before they express. 

            We should not necessarily control our emotions, but learn to use them.  Locking up our feelings inside does not help.  First we need to understand our emotions, perhaps what causes them, and then use that understanding to improve oneself and the situation at hand.

            This discussion of whether one can control one’s emotions is an interesting discussion to have with one’s teen.   Are you responsible, according to the Torah, for feelings that you feel? (i.e. feeling jealous, angry?) It says in Bamidbar 15:39 “V’lo taturu acharei l’vavchem v’acharei aineichem” “Do not stray after your hearts and after your eyes.”  This pasuk implies that one must exercise control over one’s thoughts/feelings.  The Gemara in Bava Batra states, “No person is saved from thoughts of sin.”  How is it possible for G-d to command us to control our thoughts and feelings? 

            Rabbi Dovid Hochberg says the answer to that question lies in understanding the difference between having a thought/feeling and responding to that thought/feeling.  G-d has created us with having powerful desires and feelings. It is our response to those feelings that we are asked to control.  We can’t just “let it go.”  We need not act on feelings.  We have free choice.  The initial feeling may not be controllable, (although with therapy, one can learn to change one’s thoughts/feelings), but our response and subsequent actions are.  We understand how angry, for example, our son was at our daughter when she took the remote controls from him. We do not, however, excuse the actions- his pulling her hair until a piece was ripped from its roots. (Purely an example- not a real-life scenario!)

            Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman, in his article “The Book of Her Life” speaks about a congregant in his shul he calls “Sylvia” who couldn’t even read Hebrew.  On her 75^th birthday she handed the rabbi her journal and said, “This journal contains my life’s work. I know I am not the most learned or educated person in the shul.  However, this journal is the ‘evidence’ I intend to exhibit at my Final Judgement.”  She told him he could read it after her death until the funeral. At the funeral, she wants it buried with her.  He could not imagine what was inside. When she passed, he read the book.  “March 1961 Morris forgot my birthday.  I told him I was upset, but although I was upset, I successfully restrained myself and did not get angry…October 1965 Steven decided to raid the refrigerator and ate all of my pies for the shul’s pie sale. I disciplined him however I did not raise my voice or display any anger…”   Rabbi Eisenman stated that the journal detailed all the times she wanted to get angry but didn’t.  “As I touched the yellowing pages of the 44 year old journal, I realized I was touching a masterpiece on self-control,” Rabbi Eisenman said.  And, to his son, who asked what was inside he said, “When they read her journal upstairs, it will move Heaven and earth. Indeed it is her personal Torah. It’s your mother’s passport to the Next World. Every single page has the scent of Gan Eden.” 

            Rabbi Eisenman’s story struck me as another type of control of one’s feelings. Not denying them, but containing them as realizing that losing control will only make things worse.  Perhaps that is a different form of “letting go”- letting go of emotions that can be destructive.

            Getting back to the movie…As long as Elsa was unable to control her power she needed to stay isolated from the rest of the world.  The inability to control one’s feelings does not make for successful social interactions / relationships or success in life in general.  Only once Elsa learned how to redirect her powers for the good was she able to return to life.  The message of “Let it go” is not to let loose for it is better for one’s health and who cares about the consequences or the collateral damage, (i.e. all those we hurt along the way).  Rather, the message we need to relay to our children is that controlled expression of oneself  leads to greater life satisfaction and to better results.

Advisory Update:

6^th Grade- They have begun a unit on bullying and have learned what true bullying is. They also  discussed why children tend not to approach  adults when faced with bullying- and what we can do to change that.

7^th Grade- They have had a program with Child Life Specialist, Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, who trained them to decorate toy gorillas for ill children with “affirmations” and encouraging words. They did this activity based on what they learned in Advisory about coping statements they can use when faced with adversity in life in their unit “When Life Gives You Lemons.”

8^th Grade- They targeted the moral issue of lying and the pressures that cause us to lie and the ramifications.