Let It Go

“Let it go. Let it go. Can’t hold it back anymore…” At any given moment one can hear one’s children singing that song at home or even at school between periods. (There is even a rumor that  a whole class sang it recently together! )  “Let it go” is the song that was awarded Best Original Song at the 86^th Academy Awards this past Sunday.  It is from the Disney movie Frozen, which won an Oscar for Best Animated Feature.   Children all over the globe are singing “Let it go”- in all different languages. (My children found it in Hebrew on youtube).

As we know, research  indicates that there is clear impact of lyrics on childhood behavior. I, therefore, am always the first to try to hear the lyrics. Here are some:

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in,
don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel,
don't let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care
what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway

                In thinking about these lyrics, I considered that the song is really advocating the importance of letting out ones feelings and not concealing them.  In the discussion of whether one should suppress or express ones feelings, the song highlights the freedom one feels when one expresses all that he/she has been keeping inside.   (Parents, please note:  I am utilizing this song and movie as a “teachable moment” with which to engage our children, and not as a source for wisdom!)

             As parents, should we be encouraging the “venting”  of feelings and letting loose?  While Elsa was unable to share her powers to turn things into ice (i.e., she was concealing), she was miserable and separated from others.  On the other hand, as one can see in the movie, once the character Elsa “let it go” it caused great destruction and fear in the country and caused for her to be isolated from others.  We know quite well the wrath of a teenager who vents all that he/she is thinking towards their siblings, or even a teacher with deleterious effects. 

            We nowadays know  intuitively that bottling up one’s emotions is not healthy- emotionally and physically. In fact, a recent September study by Harvard’s School of Public Health showed that those who suppress their feelings can be 1/3 more likely to die young and 70% more likely to have cancer.  Suppressing and ignoring feelings can lead to stress, anxiety and other mental health issues.

            However, I believe in teaching our children the power of controlled venting.  (Going back to the movie, the problem with Elsa once she “let it go” was that she did not know how to control her powers or her emotions).   It is important to understand and express our feelings, but we cannot allow our feelings to rule.  Dr. Miriam Adahan calls this “emotional modesty.”  When sharing our emotions with others will overwhelm them it is “immodest,” as the person is unable to “receive your pain with empathy and compassion.” It is not always appropriate to expose ones feelings.   She uses the example of adults letting go in front of their children who typically cannot handle those emotions.  Adahan also adds that at times venting about ones problems can allow one to feel better for a short time, but may “exacerbate self-pity and despair.”  (Interestingly enough, University of Buffalo psychologist Mark Seery demonstrated in his research study that after experiencing a collective trauma it might actually be better  not to express one’s feelings, leading to more resiliency). 

Furthermore, Adahan continues, often sharing one’s feelings can cause the humiliation of others.   And, of course, there are times that sharing one’s internal thoughts and feelings can lead to others “using the information against you.”  Letting one’s boss know how irritating his habits are can obviously lead to dismissal.  One must vent in a savvy manner.  I often work with students on evaluating, what is the best way to express what I want without causing more trouble for myself? Children need to be trained on stopping to think about the possible consequences before they express. 

            We should not necessarily control our emotions, but learn to use them.  Locking up our feelings inside does not help.  First we need to understand our emotions, perhaps what causes them, and then use that understanding to improve oneself and the situation at hand.

            This discussion of whether one can control one’s emotions is an interesting discussion to have with one’s teen.   Are you responsible, according to the Torah, for feelings that you feel? (i.e. feeling jealous, angry?) It says in Bamidbar 15:39 “V’lo taturu acharei l’vavchem v’acharei aineichem” “Do not stray after your hearts and after your eyes.”  This pasuk implies that one must exercise control over one’s thoughts/feelings.  The Gemara in Bava Batra states, “No person is saved from thoughts of sin.”  How is it possible for G-d to command us to control our thoughts and feelings? 

            Rabbi Dovid Hochberg says the answer to that question lies in understanding the difference between having a thought/feeling and responding to that thought/feeling.  G-d has created us with having powerful desires and feelings. It is our response to those feelings that we are asked to control.  We can’t just “let it go.”  We need not act on feelings.  We have free choice.  The initial feeling may not be controllable, (although with therapy, one can learn to change one’s thoughts/feelings), but our response and subsequent actions are.  We understand how angry, for example, our son was at our daughter when she took the remote controls from him. We do not, however, excuse the actions- his pulling her hair until a piece was ripped from its roots. (Purely an example- not a real-life scenario!)

            Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman, in his article “The Book of Her Life” speaks about a congregant in his shul he calls “Sylvia” who couldn’t even read Hebrew.  On her 75^th birthday she handed the rabbi her journal and said, “This journal contains my life’s work. I know I am not the most learned or educated person in the shul.  However, this journal is the ‘evidence’ I intend to exhibit at my Final Judgement.”  She told him he could read it after her death until the funeral. At the funeral, she wants it buried with her.  He could not imagine what was inside. When she passed, he read the book.  “March 1961 Morris forgot my birthday.  I told him I was upset, but although I was upset, I successfully restrained myself and did not get angry…October 1965 Steven decided to raid the refrigerator and ate all of my pies for the shul’s pie sale. I disciplined him however I did not raise my voice or display any anger…”   Rabbi Eisenman stated that the journal detailed all the times she wanted to get angry but didn’t.  “As I touched the yellowing pages of the 44 year old journal, I realized I was touching a masterpiece on self-control,” Rabbi Eisenman said.  And, to his son, who asked what was inside he said, “When they read her journal upstairs, it will move Heaven and earth. Indeed it is her personal Torah. It’s your mother’s passport to the Next World. Every single page has the scent of Gan Eden.” 

            Rabbi Eisenman’s story struck me as another type of control of one’s feelings. Not denying them, but containing them as realizing that losing control will only make things worse.  Perhaps that is a different form of “letting go”- letting go of emotions that can be destructive.

            Getting back to the movie…As long as Elsa was unable to control her power she needed to stay isolated from the rest of the world.  The inability to control one’s feelings does not make for successful social interactions / relationships or success in life in general.  Only once Elsa learned how to redirect her powers for the good was she able to return to life.  The message of “Let it go” is not to let loose for it is better for one’s health and who cares about the consequences or the collateral damage, (i.e. all those we hurt along the way).  Rather, the message we need to relay to our children is that controlled expression of oneself  leads to greater life satisfaction and to better results.

Advisory Update:

6^th Grade- They have begun a unit on bullying and have learned what true bullying is. They also  discussed why children tend not to approach  adults when faced with bullying- and what we can do to change that.

7^th Grade- They have had a program with Child Life Specialist, Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, who trained them to decorate toy gorillas for ill children with “affirmations” and encouraging words. They did this activity based on what they learned in Advisory about coping statements they can use when faced with adversity in life in their unit “When Life Gives You Lemons.”

8^th Grade- They targeted the moral issue of lying and the pressures that cause us to lie and the ramifications.