I have
been spending much time this past school year thinking about happiness. On
Simchat Torah I was privileged to give a shiur at my shul on the Jewish Pursuit
of Happiness. A different spin on this
same concept was the basis for the shiur I delivered at the Yachad Shabbaton in
Fair Lawn. (For those of us who have ever attended Yachad- a happier bunch you
will never find!) Most recently, the
theme of my family Mishloach Manot was "Mitzvah gedolah l'hiyot b'simcha
tamid"- "It is a mitzvah to be in the constant state of
happiness." (R' Nachman M'Breslov).
Needless to say, happiness has been on my mind.
This
search for happiness led me to Sam Berns.
Sam Berns was a boy from Sharon, Massachusetts who died this past
January at the age of 17 from the rare disease called progeria. Progeria is a genetic disease which strikes
less than 350 children in the world which causes accelerated aging. I first read of Sam Berns in an article by
Yonatan Rosenblum and it spurred me on to learn more.
One
month before his passing, Sam delivered a TED talk on the topic of "My philosophy for a happy life."
(You can watch this talk at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36m1o-tM05g).
Some time ago, he shared, he was
interviewed and asked, "What is the most important thing that people should
know about you?" He responded,
"My answer was simply- I have a very happy life. Even though there
are many obstacles in my life, I don't
want people to feel bad for me... I don't think about these obstacles all the
time and I can overcome them anyway." He then continued to offer his three
tips for happiness:
1. "I am okay
with what I ultimately can't do because there is so much I can do. Most of my time is spent thinking about
things that have nothing to do with progeria at all. I know what I am missing
out on, but instead I choose to focus on things I can do. Sometimes I need to find a different way to
do things by making adjustments and I want to put those in the can -do category.
(Isn't this a lesson we wish to relay to our children? We want them to see
the cup half full instead of half
empty. Through maintaining positive
attitudes, finding solutions when they think a challenge is insurmountable and through
taking some risks our children can be raised with Sam's tip #1. I call this
tip: "Who is rich? He who is satisfied with his lot."
(Avot 4:1). )
2. " I surround myself with people I want to be with-
people with high quality. We see each
other for who we are in the inside... I am at the highest point when I am with
the people that surround me every day. They
provide the real positive influence in my life... I hope you appreciate and
love your family, friends, and acknowledge your mentors and community... My
family and mentors always make me feel whole and good about myself." (We
all know the power of positive peer pressure. We ask our teens to evaluate- do
I feel good about the person I "become" when I am with this friend?
Do my friends influence me to do the right thing? Do my friends support me or often do they
"walk all over me"? Do they
appreciate me for who I am in the inside? These conversations start from a young
age. I actively say out loud to my own
children why I have chosen some of my own friends- how their special qualities
bring out the best in me-even as an adult. I call this tip: "Make
for yourself a rabbi, acquire for yourself a friend..." (Avot 1:6)).
3. "Keep moving forward. Walt Disney said, 'Around here we don't look
backwards for very long...We keep moving forward. Opening up new doors and
doing new things.' I always try to have something to look forward to and
something to strive for. It doesn't have to be something big. There is a bright future ahead that might get
me through some difficult times. Staying in a forward thinking state of mind. I
try not to waste energy feeling sorry for myself. If I do, I get stuck in a
paradox where there is no room for happiness or any other emotion. It's not
that I ignore when I'm feeling badly. I let it in so I can acknowledge it, and
do what I need to do to move past it."
(Wow! The ability to learn from past mistakes and experiences rather
than be scarred by them is a skill we want all our children to have. Dwelling in upset is simply "wasting
energy feeling sorry" for oneself. How can we take that energy and put it
towards planning a better future situation?
We all need help in letting go of hurt and using it for self-improvement
and improving the situation around us. We teach our children to say,
"Okay. I am hurt. The situation is not what I want. Now what can I do
about it? I know it will get better". I call this tip "Who is wise? He who
can see the future" (Tamid 32a))
Sam
ended his talk speaking about a recent illness the year before. He stated that
being brave is not easy. He then
asserted that "no matter what I choose to become I will change the world..."
( Sam then ended with his last tip for
achieving happiness, "Never miss a party if you can help it." Let's not forget that sometimes having fun
causes happiness!).
In Sam's
short lifetime, he did change the world.
His parents, (both doctors), founded the Progeria Research
Foundation. The Foundation discovered in
2003 that the disease is caused by a tiny mutation in a single gene. Sam was also part of a research study
conducted by the foundation which paved the way for the first treatment for
progeria. Research they conducted
provided information about aging in general.
And, as Yonatan Rosenblum noted
at Sam's passing, "Just one month ago, he said publicly, 'I believe I can change the
world.' And he did. No matter what our
challenges, there is no one who could watch Sam describe his “happy life”
without being strengthened."
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