Back To The Future For Your Teen

This past Wednesday, October 21, 2015, was the day Marty McFly and Doc Brown traveled to in Back to the Future II in 1989. It was called Back To The Future Day. It seemed like any other day to me. Lots of rushing in the morning, going to work and then homework and bedtime. (With our amazing Open House in between!) But, the words, “Back To The Future” have more meaning as I consider two other important days in the past week- Sixth Grade and Eighth Grade Orientations.

As I looked out at the audience of parents  who were  joining us at the Sixth Grade Orientation or the Eighth Grade Orientation for the first time, I  saw  the same look  in their eyes, "Wasn't it just yesterday when we walked them into Pre-K orientation, tightly holding their hands- not wanting to let go?  Where did the time go?"   I often say that there are many similarities between toddlerhood and the years of early adolescence.  One commonality is that at these stages of life our children are asserting more independence and we are not always ready to let go.  Whether it is the first day on the bus in Kindergarten or  in sixth grade when we hand them off to nine teachers, whose names we can barely remember at first, we  worry how they will do without us.  For our eighth graders, there is nothing more worrisome than  "life after Yavneh."   We are leaving that which is comfortable to embark on an unfamiliar journey an unknown world. It is reminiscent of Avraham being commanded to leave all that is familiar to embark on an unknown journey. “ לֶךְ־לְךָ֛ מֵֽאַרְצְךָ֥ וּמִמּֽוֹלַדְתְּךָ֖ וּמִבֵּ֣ית אָבִ֑יךָ אֶל־הָאָ֖רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר אַרְאֶֽךָּ"“ Get out from your country, and from your family, and from your father’s house, to a land that I will show you” (Bereishit 12:1) How do we as parents let go and tell our children “lech lecha”- venture out on your own? How do we make sure they end up in the “right land”?

Dr. Jim Taylor states that there are two types of children- contingent and independent children. Contingent children depend on others for how they feel about themselves. They won't achieve without incentives. They depend on others for happiness. They often have no limits set for them. They tend to be poor decision makers, as parents never have discussions with them about what is best for them. Independent children, on the other hand, are intrinsically motivated. Their parents use incentives and rewards sparingly and appropriately. They have a “collaborative” relationship with their parents, rather than a “controlled” one. Independent children are good decision makers, as their opinions have always been valued. They make decisions with the support and guidance of their parents.

According to Taylor, how do we raise independent and not contingent children? Taylor stresses the importance of giving them responsibilities- by literally listing them. And, of course, there needs to be consequences for not fulfilling one's responsibilities. This sends them the messages that you are confident in their capabilities. They have control over their lives. Another important element is providing guidance and then giving them the freedom to make their own decisions.

Even if we raise “independent” teens, how do we know that they will do the right thing if we let go? On a most basic level, “How will he do his homework if I don't sit next to him each evening?” or “How can I send him off to camp knowing he'll make good decisions?”

Back to the future is the answer. In order to have a strong, and safe future, our teens need to be able to draw from their past- to go back. For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment, saying etc^. At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”

Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.

So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do. They will always go back to what we told them.

In essence, even though Avraham left his birthplace, his son Yaakov returns there following the command of Hashem, “Return to your country, and to your family...” Yaakov was going back to his future. That is what we hope for our children. We want them to dig deep back into all the conversations relaying values we have had with them and the modeling we have lived for them. Only then will their independent futures lead them on a journey to the “land that we have shown them.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:

Through role-playing they continued learning of the skills of conversation do's and don'ts.

Seventh Grade:

Students learned about the importance of using “I” statements and not “You” statements in effective communication and teamwork.

Eighth Grade:

How to choose a high school, was the topic of this week's session. Students discussed what they are looking for in a high school and what they think they need for their own growth. 

Peer Pressure- Essential For Your Teen's Success In Life

            Peer pressure. We dare not even utter those words in the middle school years.  We know that peer pressure peaks during this age.  In this week's parasha Noach is held up as an example of he who resisted peer pressure, "Tamim haya b'dorotav" “Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations” (Bereishit 6:9). In his generations? Why are those words added?  Despite the evil all around him, he was able to maintain his ability to do the right thing.  How?  Even at his birth, when his parents named him they said, “This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the Lord has cursed.” Noach was going to be special and be a comfort among all the evil.  Perhaps this symbolized that it was the influence of his parents which gave him the strength to resist.

 Or, as we know, the difference between Avraham and Noach was that Avraham sought out  to interact with others by spreading belief in G-d. In contrast, Noach primarily kept to himself.  That is one solution to peer pressure- just stay away from peers and keep to yourself.  Most teens (and parents of teens) would not want that way of life, as we know one's social life is essential at this stage of life.  

        What is the solution?  I maintain that perhaps we want our children to be more like Avraham than Noach- to surround oneself with peer pressure and use it for their self-development.  PEER PRESSURE IS GOOD.  (Shhh- don't tell anyone!)

        In the most basic and more obvious manner, we can use peer pressure and the intense social influence felt to encourage positive and appropriate behaviors. Teachers use positive peer pressure all the time to influence students, encouraging them to imitate the most studious and conscientious students. We call this in Hebrew, “Kinat sofrim” -envy of scholars. We want our children to aspire to imitate the positive behavior around them. That is why we send them to schools and camps where we know they will be surrounded by positive peer pressure.

  But, not only is positive peer pressure good for you. Peer pressure to do the wrong thing, may actually be good for you as well. In fact, studies indicate that teens who feel more of that peer pressure to do the wrong thing actually succeed better in life.  Professor Joe Allen, of University of Virginia, studied seventh graders and followed them every year for the next ten years.  He found that the ones who felt more peer pressure had "higher quality relationships with friends, parents and romantic partners."  He actually found that their need to fit in early adolescence later on manifested itself in the willingness to accommodate.  "The self-conscious kid who spent seventh grade convinced that everyone was watching her learned to be attuned to subtle changes in others' moods.  Years down the road, the heightened sensitivity led to empathy and social adeptness."  

        Dr.  Allen then demonstrated that the students who did not feel much peer pressure in seventh grade, within five years had a lower GPA.  Those children were also less engaged socially and academically.  Unmotivated by what those around them thought, these seventh graders also did not care much about what their parents and society wanted them to do.  Peers' influence can be an asset.  Peer pressure pulls students to do well in school, to not act childish and to become involved in athletics- all good things.  "We think of susceptibility to peer pressure as only a danger, but, really, it's out of peer pressure that boys learn to take showers and not come to school smelly," adds Dr. Allen.  

         The most important aspect of Dr. Allen's study was that the key is not pushing back against peer pressure by severing contact.  The key is maintaining autonomy when experiencing the pressure.  How do teens learn to resist the peer pressure of their friends? They learn this from their relationship with their parents.  Parents who raise their children to be connected to them and autonomous at the same time.  By allowing our teens to voice their opinions when they disagree- in a respectful way- they learn the skill of standing up for themselves.  The parent is ultimately in charge, but the child learns that he/she need not always give in without standing up for what he/she believes in.  "The kids who are really pushy and angry with their parents, they're still more hostile to their friends ten years later.  The kids who learn to negotiate with their parents- not just badger them, but truly negotiate- they could use those tactics with their peers and be effective at it.  So, when their friends say, 'Let's go back to the park and drink,' he suggests, 'How about we not...'" and provides a better suggestion.

It now makes sense that not all of our avot and imahot grew up in houses of tzaddikim. There is something about being exposed to peer pressure and resisting it that makes a person a leader and even more attached to their beliefs in G-d. I am not advocating that we send our children to live in homes of idol worshipers, as Avraham grew up. Nor, should we allow them to hang out with friends who are negative influences on them. We need to, however, raise them with the realistic understanding that they will face difficult peer pressure, and provide them with the skills they need to resist.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- This week they focused on the skills needed to have a good group discussion- essential for Advisory class and life!

Seventh Grade- They began their unit which prepares them with the skills they need for Frost Valley. This week, they looked at the skills needed for teamwork and the importance of communication skills.

Eighth Grade- Students discussed some good testing taking skills in light of their upcoming ACT- Aspire test.  

"How Was School Today?" Asking The Right Questions And Getting The Right Answers From Your Teen

This past Shabbat we read parashat Bereishit where Hashem models for us the parenting technique of questioning to elicit information.  First, with Adam Harishon He says, in Bereishit 3:9 “And the Lord God called to Adam, and said to him, Where are you?” "Ayeka?"  .  He clearly knows where Adam is.  Then He asks in pasuk 11, "And He said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree, which I commanded you that you should not eat?” Hashem clearly knows that Adam did eat,  and, yet, Hashem still asks him questions. Then with Kayin Hashem also asks a number of questions. First in 4:6, “And the Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry? And why is your countenance fallen?” Hashem knew exactly why Kayin was upset. And, then after he kills his brother, Hashem asks Kayin in pasuk 9, “And the Lord said to Cain, Where is Abel your brother?" Hashem knew exactly where Hevel was and what Kayin had done to him, and yet He still asks.  And, even after Kayin refuses to admit Hashem asks him another question in pasuk 10, “And He said, What have you done?”

On the most basic level, Hashem wanted to give them the opportunity to "fess up" and admit their wrongdoing.  Clearly, neither rises to the occasion.  As parents, it does model for us the importance of rather than running to accuse, to give the child the chance to express what he thinks he did wrong and why he did it.  The moment we enter a situation with accusations, teens shut down and are not willing to cooperate. When we as parents engage in a conversation where we do not give them the chance to offer an explanation or admission, we send the message that we aren't really interested in what they have to say, so they might as well shut down.  Yes, Hashem was clearly angry as Adam violated the only commandment he had, and Kayin committed the first murder.  He knew exactly what it is like to have your child openly disobey and then even lie about it.  However, Hashem was able to restrain His understandable anger to send the message to His "children" that they can repair what they have done if they are honest and upfront.  And, in fact, Hashem says directly to Kayin, “If you do well, shall you not be accepted?” You can do better and improve.

When children are young, they spend the day asking questions of us, “Why is the sky blue?” “How does electricity work?” As they get older, they stop asking us questions, and seek answers from the experts... their friends and the internet. But, there are so many questions that we still need to ask them.

"How was your day?"  we ask as our children get off the bus at the end of the day. “What happened at the party?” The only way we can get information is by asking, as they don't  offer details in a forthcoming way and as they get older, we get increasingly less and less information. "Fine," "Okay" or sometimes "Horrible" are the more standard responses.   How do we get more from our teens? 

There are some ground rules:

1. Make it clear that you value what they have to say. There's no point in their sharing if you don't value their opinions. Make it a practice to ask their opinions.
2. Comment on things they do right, not just on what they do wrong!
3. Begin with listening. Don't comment at first. Just listen. All distractions away.
4. Ask questions that help them explore further what they think, rather than stating what you think.
5. Make sure to be available the times of day that your child is most “available” for chatting. (For mine, it's always when I'm exhausted and have no patience left! But, I've learned to smile through it and keep my eyes open!)
6. Ask open-ended questions instead of yes or no questions.
7. Be specific. Instead of “Did you like school today?” ask “What was the best thing you did today?”  

In an article “28 Ways To Ask Your Teen 'How Was School Today?' Without Asking Them 'How Was School Today?” Liz Evans presents some creative ways of eliciting information from your teen. Some might fit your teen:

1. Where in the school do you hang out the most? (Like a particular hall, classroom, parking lot, etc.) Where in the school do you never hang out?

2. What would your school be better with? What would your school be better without?

3. If you were a teacher, what class would you teach? Which class would be the worst to teach? Why?

4. What was the coolest (saddest, funniest, scariest) thing that you saw today?

5. Tell me one thing that you learned today.

6. If your day at school today was a movie, what movie would it be?

7. Besides walking to their next classes, what else do people do in the halls in between classes?

8. Who do you think you could be nicer to?

9. Which is your easiest class? Which is your hardest class? OR Which class are you learning the most in? Which class are you learning the least in?

10. If they played music in the halls at school, what would everyone want them to play over the loudspeaker?

11. If you could read minds, which teacher's mind would you read? Which classmate's mind would you read? Whose mind would you NOT want to read?

12. If today had a theme song, what would it be?

13. Which class has your favorite group of students in it? Which class has the worst group of students?

14. What do you think you should do more of at school? What do you think you should do less of?

15. What are the top three (or five) things that you hear people say in the halls?

16. What do you think the most important part of school is?

17. Tell me one question that you had today, even if it wasn't answered... actually, especially if it wasn't answered...

18. Which class has the most cute boys/girls in it?

19. If an alien spaceship landed at your school, who would you like them to beam aboard and take back to their home planet?

20. Who did you help today? Who helped you today?

21. If you could be invisible for the day at school, what would you do?

22. What part of the day do you look forward to? What part of the day do you dread?

23. What would you change about school lunch?

24. Which classmate is most likely to be arrested, made president, become a millionaire, be in movies, let loose a flock of wild chickens in the library, etc.?

25. If you had to go to only one class every day, which class would it be?

26. Tell me one thing you read at school today.

27. If your day at school was an emoticon, which one would it be?

28. What do you think your teachers talked about in the faculty room today after school?

Most importantly, we can never give up asking questions, even though they may not answer in these middle school years. We thereby send the message that we are always there and ready for them and waiting for when they are ready to answer.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-

Sixth graders began Advisory this week. They got to know each other and their Advisors, beginning to form cohesive groups.

Seventh Grade-

Seventh graders were introduced to the “mission” of seventh grade Advisory “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.” They discussed how even they as teens can a make a difference in the world around them.

Eighth Grade-

Eighth graders were introduced to the theme of this year's Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” - skills they will need to succeed in high school and life beyond. They viewed interviews of graduates who expressed some of the challenges of 8^th grade and applying to high school.