Report Card Conversations With Your Child

         In the next days, the first trimester report card will come out.  More important than the grades on the report card are the three conversations that will be had about this report card.  Three?

Conversation #1:  YOUR CHILD’S CONVERSATION WITH YOU
         First, is the conversation that your child will initiate with you.  “What?” you might say.  One might imagine that most children would avoid having that conversation with their parents.   In sixth grade Advisory we stress how parents appreciate when students are upfront and honest with them about their report cards, even before their parents see them.  (Most students have a sense of what their grades on the report cards will be even before they are out.  But, we do find that there are some students, despite seeing their grades all trimester, who are still clueless about their grades. We therefore also do an activity in Advisory where the students need to predict their grades before they see them.  We then see how accurate they truly were. If they were not accurate- why is that? What are they missing? ) The same with specific grades on tests and assignments- it is always a good idea to share your grades with your parents before they find out.  Why?  It sends the message to parents that we are not trying to avoid, hide or dodge anything. Rather, we want to partner with them to do better.

    This approach creates a non-combative atmosphere where parents and children are there to help each other.
We then actually role play with them the best way to speak to their parents.  Here are two scenarios we act out with them:


Parents Surprised By The Report Card:
Narrator:  Mrs.  Gold just received Joey’s report card. He got a C in Math and a D in Gemara.
Parent: Joey! Come in here right now!!!
Joey:   What (innocently)?
Parent:  (Angrily) Why didn’t you tell me you got a C in Math and a D in Gemara?  If you would have told me, I could have helped you!! Now, what should we do?!


Students Telling Their Parents Before Report Cards Arrive:
Narrator:  The report cards are being posted on Thursday.  Tuesday, Joey comes home and says to his parents at the dinner table…
Joey: Mom, Dad, can we talk after dinner?
Mom: Sure, honey.
Dad: No problem.
Narrator: Dinner ends and they all meet.
Dad: What’s wrong Joey?
Joey:  Well… it seems that I did not realize how poorly I was doing in Math and Gemara. I got a C in Math and a D in  Gemara!
Mom: Why do you think that happened?
Joey:  Well, I was absent for a week, and then I thought I was caught up in Math and I really did not.  And, in Gemara, I guess I was a bit lazy and did not realize how much work it was.  I won’t make that mistake again.  I have a plan of what I can differently next time.  Like, maybe I’ll review my notes each night. Or not study in front of the TV.
Dad: Well, I’m glad to see you have thought this through.  Let’s sit together to figure out a solution.

           Yes, clearly this might not be real life- except in the Brady Bunch, but our goal is to show students that it’s in their best interest to be honest and to make a plan.  We want them to show their parents that they are responsible enough to make changes.

Conversation #2- THE CONVERSATION YOU HAVE WITH YOUR CHILD:
          Then there is the conversation that we the parents have with our children after we see the report cards. Those conversations can make or break the next trimester and the tone of the relationships we have with our children.  A video was making its way around Teaneck Shuls,  (thank you to Mrs. Keren Nussbaum for forwarding it to me), called “How To Talk To Your Kids About Grades Without Stress Or Conflict,” presented by Joshua Wayne.  He highlights three basic goals for the conversation you are having with your child about his/her grades:
1. The grades conversation should always be a positive one.
2. The goal of the conversation is to build rapport and their buy-in.
3. The conversation should involve setting goals so the participants feel it is going in the right direction.  Our goal is minimize the stress and tension when it comes to discussing grades as it can weaken your relationship, hurt their academic performance and power struggles can cause them to “use grades to get back at you.”


So, what are some of the things we can do to minimize the stress and power struggles?
a. Stay calm- you are modeling for your child, and you are more prone to say things you don’t regret when you are calm.
b. Know your end game- Is it about getting all A’s or about his showing maximum effort and trying his best?
c. Keep it light.
d. Timing- Pick the right time when your teen is “available.”
e. Ask good questions- be in the “listening mode” not the “lecturing mode.” Some examples Mr. Wayne gives are, instead of saying “I think you could have done better,” say “How do you feel about your grades?” Or, instead of saying “I was expecting more A’s” say, “What were you hoping your grades would be like?” Another good one he mentions is, instead of saying “You spent too much time playing video games,” say, “On a scale of 1-10 how much have you applied yourself this trimester?”
f. Setting goals and making agreements- Ask her, “What do you want to see happen next trimester?”  How does she plan on doing it? This is where you help her set S.M.A.R.T. goals.  (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time Bound).
g. Be mindful of rewards and punishments- incentives are helpful for many students. Let us just be careful not to get into a situation where we “pay for grades.”

Conversation #3- THE CONVERSATIONS YOUR CHILDREN’S TEACHERS HAVE
Rabbi Dovid Rosman, in his article, “Using The Power Of The Pencil To Recognize And Reach Potential”  tells the story of his 10 year old daughter’s report card.  He notes that the grades were all fine except for a grade in “Organization” in which she got an A minus, (still an amazing grade in my book!).  But, he noticed that the minus was written in pencil. “Look Abba, my teacher wrote the minus in pencil. She told me that she knows that really I can be much neater and that if I improve over the next half of the year she’ll erase the minus.”  Rabbi Rosman was floored as he felt this was a clever motivation technique-for the teacher to show the child that “you believe that their essence is greater…Instead of my daughter feeling badly or down for being disorganized, she was excited about the opportunity to show her teacher her ‘real’ self.”

          As teachers, we often discuss the important conversations we have with the students- which do not wait for the report cards, but happen all along the trimester.  These conversations are absolutely about the fact that all grades are in pencil- nothing is permanent.  The teacher is available for the student for any help that is needed, and provides guidance along the way.  Please do encourage your child, as I do the students who come to me worried about a class or a grade, to have a conversation with their teachers. What can I do to improve?  The specific feedback students get from these conversations are essential.  How can I better prepare for your exams or assignments?  These are the aspects of the class that worry me. This is what you, the teacher, can do to help.  If your child is uncomfortable reaching out to a teacher to request such a conversation, please feel free to ask the teacher to meet with your child.

           The report card is meant to be a guide for your student and for you to monitor progress and to set goals.  It is also meant to be a springboard for the important conversations- for both the succeeding student, (it’s wonderful to be recognized for one’s achievements), and for the not yet succeeding student.

Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began a unit on Time Management.  Much of the stress we feel in school is related to poor time management.
Seventh Grade- Seventh graders had a “Quality Circle”  where they discussed how we are doing in the middle school in terms of creating an atmosphere where everyone feels respected and accepted.
Eighth Grade- Continuing our Parent- Child relationships unit, students discussed what would happen if we actually switched places with our parents- would we understand them better and vice versa?

May The Force Be With You- Life Lessons

Star Wars- The Force Awakens, the long awaited sequel has arrived. Daniel Perez, in his article, “From Jedism to Judaism: Star Wars as Jewish Allegory,” points out some of the unusual parallels to Judaism found in the the Star Wars movies. Jedi sounds suspiciously similar to Judah- Yehudi. And Yoda- the great rebbe of Luke Skywalker- sounds like “yada”- to know. He continues to point out how Aniken went “off the derech.” But, then in Return of the Jedi, Darth Vader does Teshuva (he returns). Then, of course, there is the Force. According to Obi Wan Kenobi, “it is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.” The Force is, clearly, G-d who surrounds us and can be found in all living things. Perez also highlights the Dark Side and the Light found in Star Wars. This clearly depicts the Yetzer HaTov and Yetzer HaRa. And, the source of the light and darkness in Judaism is the same- “Lord, Our G-d, King of the Universe, Who forms light and creates darkness” (Yeshayahu 45:7).

How can we help our teens live lives of the Force? (Okay, maybe this is going a bit too far). In the past two weeks, I've been involved in coordinating two events to help our students find the Force within themselves.

First, our mock bar/bat mitzvah for our sixth graders. Then, later that week, our visit to the homeless shelter in Hackensack, with our seventh graders. Each event contained life lessons that would have made Reb Yoda proud. (Yes, I know he is not in the new movie!) To demonstrate, I will utilize some famous Yoda quotes.

As you might have heard, each year we invite our sixth graders to a mock bar/bat mitzvah celebration as a culmination to lessons we do on bar/bat mitzvah etiquette. They are thereby able to practice that which we had learned in Advisory. They receive invitations the day before the event, and a re told that we at Yavneh are sponsoring a celebration for a boy and a girl. I play the bat mitzvah girl- although they typically don't figure that out until the program begins. The highlight is my wearing my bat mitzvah dress- which brings to mind my first Yoda quote, “When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.”

The day has a number of goals:

1. “Patience you must have, my young padawan”- keriat haTorah, speeches, courses, waiting on line for food- all demand patience. We encourage students to imagine themselves at their big day. Wouldn't they like that attention and focus?
2. “You must unlearn what you have learned.” At times we pick up inappropriate behaviors from our friends. Our goal is to help them relearn appropriate behavior.
3. “Control, control, you must learn control.”- It is tempting to take out that phone and text throughout the divrei Torah. That is where self- control comes in.

For our seventh graders, the inspirational culmination of the Respect and Empathy unit in Advisory is their visit to the homeless shelter. We spend over a month preparing for this visit, learning the roots of poverty in the United States today, and its impact on our Bergen County community. We also spend time learning and practicing the skills of empathy. Students spearheaded the campaign to collect hats, gloves and scarves. They are trained as to how to converse with the residents before we go. This year, Mr. Steiner led the students in song, as they sang “One Day” along with the residents. It was wonderful to see the students focus on giving and not only receiving during Chanukah.

What are the Yoda goals for this endeavor?

1. “Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm. Hmm. And, well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.” Our theme of 7^th grade Advisory is “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.” We stress with them that even teens can change the world- or at least their corner of it. It does not matter that they are “just kids.” They clearly saw the impact they made on the residents during that visit.
   This quote can also be seen as a declaration not to judge a book by its cover. We spent some time in Advisory speaking with the students about how we often rush to judgment about the homeless when we see them. Often, those judgments are unfair. How often do we do that to each other?
2. “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.” We are powerful. We each have light within us- tzelem elokim- a piece of G-d within us. And, so we can truly make a difference as we are made of greatness. Additionally, every person has that neshama- no matter who, and no matter where life's circumstances has led him. Each person deserves our respect and attention. Students interacted with the residents, looked into their eyes, and gave each one respect as they conversed with them on equal footing.
3. “Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.” Through learning about the financial struggles of others- even those in their own community with real life struggles- we hope students came to think about the futility in mere objects. Especially during Chanukah, when students receive so many material goods, we want them to think about what really counts in life and to appreciate all they have. One question students often ask is, “If the person is out of a job or struggling financially, why doesn't he go live with his family to help him out?” We often take for granted that we have family or that the Jewish community is like a family.

Just because I can't resist, here are a few last “Yodaisms” which I think are good lessons for our teens.

“No! Try not! Do, or do not. There is no try.” Put your all into everything you do. Don't attempt something half-way.

“If no mistake have you made, yet losing you are, a different game you should play.” Sometimes we need to reinvent ourselves and rethink our plan to solve a problem.

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” Identify what's standing in your way. Only then can you overcome it.

“Luke: I can't believe it. Yoda: That is why you fail.” Never stop believing- in yourself, in others and of course, in G-d. (Or as Yoda would have called it, the Force).

May the force be with you and your teens.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students finished up the “Hey Dude, That's Rude” unit by focusing on behaviors that help students get along with teachers.

Seventh Grade- Students spent time focusing on scenarios based on real-life situations which stress how expensive it is to live in an Orthodox community today.

Eighth Grade- Students began exploring- what would happen if parents and teens actually switched for the day? Would we understand each other better?

Emojis And Emotions

The Oxford Dictionary word of the year for 2015 is not even a word.  It is the "Face With Tears Of Joy" emoji.   .

It was chosen as the "word that best reflected the ethos, mood, and preoccupations of 2015.”  

(Just as a quick background, the word emoji is from the Japanese which means e= picture moji= letter, character).  

How have emojis impacted the way we express our emotions?  

First, there is the general, intuitive and often spoken of impact of communication online versus face to face.  Technology use may lead us to communicate more with family and friends, but the quality of the communication is inferior.  Children who spend more time utilizing online communication have a harder time understanding emotions. In her article, “Face time vs. screen time: The technological impact on communication,” Chandra Johnson writes,  "These kids aren't connecting emotionally. Emails, texts- these lack the emotive qualities of face-to-face interactions... What's the balance? If all you're doing is using Facebook, you're not getting the interpersonal connection you need. Kids want to be hugged and touched, they don't want to be texted.  There's a basic need to fill that social bond."  

Dr. Jim Taylor asks whether a friendly emoji can replace those hugs? No.  Since communication is not just about words. Dr. Kate Roberts asserts, "Families text rather than having conversations" at the risk of underdeveloped verbal skills and emotional intelligence.  She shared that at Boston College they now have a course on how to ask a person out on a date!   For adults, communication via technology is a shortcut But, for children, it can  "rewrite a child's brain pathways in a very different way than how they would normally develop" affecting concentration, self- esteem, empathy - leading to personal relationships not being formed as deeply. 

Emojis were in part developed to supplement what is missing in a technology interchange when we can't read facial expressions.. Yet, we can't see "voice inflection, body language, facial expression, and the phermones released during face to face interaction."  

How does techonlogy affect parent- child communication? In some ways, kids are "hyper-connected." A friend of mine who works in a women's Yeshiva in Israel said that students are so "hyper- connected" to their parents that he'll receive a call wondering why the garbage wasn't taken out that day, as their daughter just called to "share."  We know that sleepaway camps, where cell phone use is not allowed, is very difficult for our hyper- connected teens.  Sometimes not being connected forces some independence and problem solving without parent involvement.

Alice Robb, in her July 2014 article, "How Using Emoji Makes Us Less Emotional"  states, "They allowed us to communicate without saying anything, saving us from spelling out any actual sentiments."  We've gotten to the point where there is a social network, (which may have come out already- that's how much I know!), where you only need to use emojis to communicate.  Two days after they announced the launch of this new social network, 50,000 people already reserved user names- consisting only of emojis.  Can you believe that a man named Fred Benenson is now selling Moby Dick translated into only emojis, online for $200?

On the other hand, since our teens are already using emojis- how can we use them for good?  A new emoji appeared in the iOS 9.1 iPhone update.  It is called the "witness emoji"- .

 It is part of an anti-bullying campaign of the Ad Council.  The designers of this campaign began speaking to numerous teens and pre-teens,  keeping in mind the impact that peers/bystanders have on each other when they react to bullying on social media.  Most teens they interviewed said they do or say nothing when they see bullying on social media.  They did say they would be more likely to do something if they saw others asserting themselves.  Then this new emoji was born.  

The message of this emoji is to say, "Hey, I see this, I recognize that it's not okay, and I want you to know you're not alone."  The "I Am A Witness" app can be downloaded via the App Store or Google Play  so that everyone can post the Witness emoji when they see hurtful comments on social media.  Let's encourage our teens to use this new emoji to protect the real emotions of others.

So, whether the research indicates that emojis are good for our emotional development, they are here. We need to continue having face to face conversations with our children, and encourage them to have face to face dialogue with their friends. (Thank G-d for Shabbos!) If you can't beat them, then join them. Emomji- is the adoption of emoji by mothers (and fathers) to keep up with their children.

“When we were kids, my mom would write us notes on the napkins in our lunchboxes and draw hearts and smiley faces,” says Tyler Schnoebelen, a linguist and the lead data analyst at Idibon. “Now, instead of being limited to doodles, moms can ornament their notes with symbolic nudges and emblems of affection: phones, foods, umbrellas — and you know, volcanoes.”

So, tomorrow, surprise your teen with an emoji... after you've had a face to face talk! 

ADVISORY UPDATE:
Sixth Grade- Engaged in a lesson on Bar/Bat Mitzvah manners and behavior. 
Seventh Grade- Focused on how difficult it is in America today to make a living- contributing to their empathy for the homeless.
Eighth Grade- Students discussed the often complicated parent-child dynamic that exists in the teen years.