Mark Twain once said, “The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” His words target one perspective that often prevents us and our children from feeling gratitude- entitlement. As parenting coach James Lehman says, “The attitude of a child with a false sense of entitlement is, ‘I am, therefore give to me.’ It is imperative to challenge that false sense of entitlement. Why? Because the entitlement prevents our children from appreciating the value of hard work and the need to earn what they want. This is contrary to what they are presently thinking, according to Lehman, “You don’t need to do anything—everything will be given to you in life just because you’re you.”
Dr. David Pelcovitz points out that the name “Jew” -Yehudi comes from Yehuda which means to thank or express gratitude. Jews are not called “Ivrim”- Hebrews or “Yisraelim”- Israelites. The name Yehudi indicates that the ability to be grateful is part of our genetic makeup. Leah named her son Yehuda as she said, “This time, let me gratefully praise Hashem.” Rashi comments that she was expressing, “I have taken more than my share, so now I need to give thanks.” Dr. Pelcovitz points out that this is the opposite of entitlement. “A Jew must acknowledge that he is a debtor who owes so much to his past; he is not a creditor to whom something is owed. This attribute of gratitude is reflected is his name, his identity, and shapes his essential character- Yehudi.” One must recognize that he has received more than his share.
Dr. Pelcovitz notes that one reality that leads to this entitlement is habituation. We quickly become accustomed to “the most spectacular of gifts.” Related to this habituation is that research indicates that we tend to be less grateful to those who are closest to us. It is, therefore, not surprising that our teens display entitlement most with us. Likewise, notes Dr. Pelcovitz, we feel entitled when it comes to our relationship with God as he quotes the work of Rabbeinu Bachya in Chovot HaLevavot,
“People...grow up surrounded with a superabundance of Divine favors which they experience continuously, and to which they become so accustomed that they come to regard these as essential parts of their being, not to be removed or separated from themselves during the whole of their lives…They foolishly ignore the benefits the Creator has bestowed on them and do not consider the obligation of gratitude for Divine beneficence.”
Rabbi Dov Heller, in his article, “Mastering the Gratitude Attitude” also see this sense of entitlement as the culprit, preventing us from achieving gratitude. “If you’re like me, you probably have a whole list of things you feel entitled to, and if you don’t get them, you feel cheated. If you are unable to take a vacation or buy the home you’ve dreamed of, then life has robbed you of something you are entitled to!” We feel that either life owes us something, or people owe us something or even God owes us something.
But, this sense of entitlement is not reality, Heller continues. No one owes us anything. Everything we receive in life is a gift. “Eliminating entitlement from your life and embracing gratitude is spiritually and psychologically liberating...Once we understand that everything is a gift, we can begin to feel gratitude towards God, the source of all good, and grow closer to Him in an authentic and joyful way.” Reminding ourselves that no one owes us anything is one way to combat entitlement.
Lehman adds that especially with teenagers, stressing these four truths is another way to combat entitlement:
- Money doesn’t come easily.
- People work hard to earn money; it’s part of life.
- If you want something, you need to work to earn it.
- You are not entitled to things you haven’t earned.
Lehman speaks about the importance of having children do chores around the house to earn money, rather than just receiving an allowance.
Some other truths to relay to our teens to combat entitlement are, as noted by Mark Gregston in his article. “Teens Who Demand and Parents Who Don’t,”
- Stress the concept of “enough.” Tell them when you think they have had enough.
- “Needs versus wants” - children don’t know the difference between what they truly need and what they would like. They experience all needs with the same degree of intensity. We need to clearly delineate the difference for them.
- Avoid Overcaring- when we do things for our children which they are capable of doing themselves it fosters entitlement.
Gregston encourages us to state to our children, “I owe you nothing, but I want to give you everything.”
Dr. Pelcovitz suggests another antidote to this entitlement and habituation- developing a habit of attention. By “consciously being mindful of how fortunate one’s condition is and how it could have been otherwise.” At times, it is only when things go wrong we notice how good it is when things go right, states Gregg Krech when presenting his psychology of gratitude. Keeping gratitude journals, or even having a daily discussion with your children, “What went well today?” are basic ways to attend to all that is good for which we need to be grateful.
Dr. Pelcovitz adds that prayer is another way to develop that habit of attention, as one third of our prayers express the theme of gratitude. The only part of the Amidah that cannot be relegated to the chazan is the “Modim” prayer. This forces us to personally articulate three times a day that we are fortunate and grateful. As parents, we also model the habit of being grateful and expressing thanks to our children and our spouses by regularly doing so in front of our children.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students continued our Organization unit with locker and bookbag organization systems, and discussion of how to organize the at-home workspace.
Seventh Grade- Students engaged in “empathy exercises” and spoke about what it is like to step into the shoes of another.
No comments:
Post a Comment