Parents To Teen- "Vote For Me!"

Although I did focus on one issue of the presidential campaign in last week’s column, when  I recently read an article by Michelle Kinder called “Three Terrible Things The Election is Teaching Your Child,” I felt there were more “teachable moments” to be discussed.  Here are the three lessons Kinder highlighted that we our children are unfortunately learning. (In fact, there have been numerous articles written about whether parents should have even allowed children to watch the presidential debates!):

1. “I can say whatever I think without regard for anyone else” Simply watching one of the debates was enough evidence of the lack of impulse control that adults had in reacting to each other.  Children need to learn that there is a difference between “reacting and responding.”  They can learn that when one is feeling emotional that is not the time to react. Rather, take a deep breath and focus before responding.
2. “Anyone who disagrees with me is not only wrong, but bad.”   These candidates are thriving on the conflict. This is not the best way to learn to conflict resolution and compromise.  In our most recent unit in Seventh Grade Advisory on communication skills we discuss the some techniques toward working with others.  One technique we stress is  the importance of  using “I statements” and not “You statements.”  “You  statements”are blaming and say “YOU don't do that!  And, YOU always do this!!” The first thing a person wants to do when someone says a “you statement” towards them is the opposite. He or she  gets annoyed and defensive and that discourages cooperation.  Perhaps Clinton and Trump could use a few sessions of 7th Grade Advisory?
3. “I am more inspired by my personal achievements than contribution to the greater good.”  As Kinder noted, this election has been  full overblown egos.  We would like to see more selflessness for the common good.

In Parashat Noach, we learned about those who attempted to build Migdal Bavel- the tower of Babel. “And the whole earth was of one language and of one speech.”  All seemed to be as if the people got along beautifully and yet they utilized this good spirit and  ‘Come, let us build us a city, and a tower, with its top in heaven, and let us make us a name; lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.’ Rather than pursuing justice and good deeds, they pursued building a tower in order to make their names greater- for self- aggrandizement and ego.  And, therefore, Hashem said,

“Come, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.”  No longer were they working in unity. There began the conflict and even the misuse of speech we see in today’s election.

As parents, it is our job to talk to our children about the media’s misrepresentations and the negative ads.  We should discuss the “bullying” in which we see the candidates engaging.  We want them to understand that one need not be a bully to win.  One need not hurt others to appear strong. Bullying is not leadership.  Judi Zirin- Hyman, in her article, “Three Much- needed Parenting Lessons From The 2016 Elections,” noted that “Bullies Shouldn’t Win” is one message our children will hopefully learn.

Hyman also noted “Lesson Two: Don’t Put Anything In An E-mail Or Online That You Wouldn’t Want Everyone To See” a very poignant message for our tweens.  Wikileaks is only but one way our privacy can be easily penetrated.

“Lesson Three- How To Be Gracious When You Lose.”  It is not easy to lose- whether on the ball field or in politics.  But, it is essential to concede with dignity to the victor.  

What else can we as parents do?  Get your children to vote for… you.  Mrs. Sarah Chana Radcliffe, in her article, “Follow The Leader- Win Your Child’s Vote So You Can Maximize Your Parenting Potential” speaks about how as humans we are more than happy to follow the directives of another, but only if this “someone” is a person of our own choosing- hence, the the growth of democracies.  “As a parent, you are a potential leader...However, your child may ‘vote you in’ as leader or may not, as he or she sees fit.  If your child does vote you in, then he or she will look to you for guidance, trust your judgment, aim to please you, and try not to disappoint or frustrate you… On the other hand, if your child doesn’t vote for you, he may very well turn his back on your instructions.  He will find himself another leader- his other parent perhaps, or an educator another influential adult, maybe a peer…”  Radcliffe goes on to describe that if children vote in the wrong leader, or even do not have a leader, they end up engaging in at-risk behaviors and lead lives of pain and suffering.  We want our children to vote for us, “therefore, we need to know how to launch our campaigns.”  

Radcliffe says, it’s easy to get your child to not vote for you.  “Simply make him dislike you.”  Criticize him frequently and harshly.  Punish him, diminish him, neglect him, and ignore him.  Endlessly interrogate him, judge him, and accuse him.  Wear a frown and a scowl and never talk when you can yell.  How to get him to vote for you?  Get him to like you.  Not by bribes, or giving in to his every whim.  Rather, by setting boundaries, limits and discipline, with a smile.  Guidance comes out of positive feedback, gentle direction, encouragement and support.  He will vote for the parent whose eyes reflect consistent approval and true affection- even when having to discipline.  

We will always be their parents. They will always have to do what we ask them to do. But, wouldn’t it be easier if they chose to listen?

As this election day approaches, our children may not be old enough to vote.  But, they vote us into office daily. We want to win our children’s votes, by a landslide.  How is your campaign going?