Responsive Parenting

Recently, I attended a conference called “The Responsive Classroom.”  To quote from their p.r. material, “It is a way of teaching that creates a safe, challenging and joyful classroom and schoolwide climate for all children. Teachers who use the Responsive Classroom approach understand that all of children’s needs- academic, social, emotional and physical- are important.  The teacher creates an environment that responds to all of those needs so that your child can do his or her best learning.”   

            Whenever I attend a conference for “work” I always have my parent hat on as well. (And, am always looking for material for my next column!)  What could I learn from the Responsive Classroom to help me create a Responsive Family?  

The application of  the term “responsive” to parenting is not new.  The World Health Organization published a report in 2006 that “While children need food, sanitation and access to health services to survive and develop optimally, a warm and affectionate relationship with an adult caregiver who is responsive to the child's needs is equally important.” Research indicated that responsive parenting is associated with social competence, fewer behavioral problems, increased intelligence and cognitive growth, higher school achievement, higher self-esteem and fewer emotional problems.  

            What is responsive parenting, according to this research?  Responsive parents “Observe their children, notice and interpret their cues, and take prompt action.  They respond to their child with love, consistency, empathy, kindness and humanity.  They question and seek to understand their own responses to their children and the familial and cultural background that informs them.  Responsive parents help their children to learn more about their responses to their own emotions, and to other people.  These parents acknowledge that all children are individual unique human beings who need to be responded to in individual unique ways.”

            Much of what was found in this research was elaborated in the Responsive Classroom program. Here are some basic ideas found in Responsive Classrooms that I think all parents can apply to their home situations:  

1. POSITIVE COMMUNITY:

a.             There is a positive sense of belonging and significance.  As noted in Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs- After basic physiological and security needs are met human behavior is then motivated by seeking a  sense of belonging.

b.            Common practices and traditions. In the classroom these would be daily activities. In my home, I like to think they are things like how we say Shema before we go to sleep, or our weekly Havdalah songs we sing.

c.             Sense of safety- We want our children to know that mistake making is good. We thereby support a growth mindset. As teachers do in the classroom, if we encourage our children to get involved with with low-risk situations, we can then highlight some mistakes and brainstorm together what can be done differently.

d.            Joy and engagement.  Being together should be joyful. However, there needs to be a  sense of purpose in what we are doing in addition to simply enjoying.

2.  ENGAGING ACADEMICS:

a.            Active and Interactive.  Students should be doing more talking than being taught.  Children should be engaged in more doing than listening.

b.            Use energizers to encourage more activity.  These are activities that might seem silly to the students, but shake things up and get them energized in the middle of class. Sometimes we need to take a break during the daily grind at home as well to re-energize.

c.             Appropriately challenging and purposeful. As parents, we can demand from each of our children different expectations based on their skill level.

d.            Connect with student interests and their strengths.  As parents, we too can connect with each child in our family differently.

e.            Allow students some autonomy and control.  When responsive teachers give students simple choices their motivation increases.  So, too we can as parents. “Would you like to wash the dishes or take out the garbage?”  

3.  EFFECTIVELY MANAGED CLASSROOM

a.            Laying foundation for positive behavior- In a responsive classroom teachers ask the students what their hopes and dreams are for the school year. From there they create rules with the students. The teachers model what the rules look like. Rules are stated positively.  As parents we can do the same.  We sit with our children and create the rules together- incorporating their input as well.  Rules are always stated in the positive, “We put away the dishes”  rather than “Don’t leave a dirty dish on the table.”

b.            Prevention-  We work harder on reinforcing  positive behavior rather than constantly reprimanding. We use reminding language - remind them proactively beforehand of a rule.  For example, “We are about to go to the bowling alley. Let’s remember what we said about buying snacks.”  We use redirecting language.  When we want to redirect them after broken a rule, we ask them to stop, go back and do it again.

c.              Responding to misbehavior- We can respond by  loss of privilege. For example, “If you can’t put your phone down when I ask you, you lose phone privilege for the evening.”  Reparations- you break it you fix it- is another technique.  For example, “If you made the mess in the basement, you clean it up.”  Positive time out- Even with teens (although we don’t call it time out) it is  time to regain control.

d.             Solving chronic problems- Chronic behavior infractions are dealt with by creating a contract with a child in a problem solving conference one on one with the child.  If the issue is class-wide and the teacher would have have a class meeting. The same would stand for a family.

4. DISCIPLINE-

The responsive classroom encourages teachers to consider, “What do you think, feel or imagine when you hear this word?” Most of us have fearful or negative feelings when it comes to discipline.  

a.            Discipline should rather relay faith in their abilities and give them the chance to try again. Avoid sarcasm.

b.            Rather than saying, “Can you sit down?” say simply, “Sit down.” Focus on the action you need.  Keep it brief.

c.             Be mindful of different developmental levels in classroom, and in your family- some need more time.

d.             We model positive behavior for our children.

Often, as parents we are so overextended and harried that we are “reactive” rather than “responsive.”  When we react  we are at a disadvantage as we react from the gut and our emotions take control.  The most primitive part of our brains is activated.  When we respond we take the time to be thoughtful and more logical.  We consider what we heard or saw and evaluate the best action to take.  We suspend judgment and preconceived notions.

 In essence, every one of us is a classroom teacher each day in our homes.  In Devarim 6:7 we are commanded, “ושננתם לבניך”  “And you shall teach it to your children.”  We are our children’s first and primary teachers.  We, however, do not always have the ability to attend a full day workshop to sharpen our skills as teachers to run “Responsive Families.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-  Sixth graders experienced a mock Bar/Bat Mitzvah to finish off their lessons on Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette.

Seventh Grade-  Seventh graders visited the Hackensack Homeless shelter as a culmination of their unit Operation Respect on empathy. They spent the past session seeing how they can apply what they learned to how they treat others in their own lives.

Eighth Grade-  “Why do good?” was a question the students explored with the help of Mr. Dennis Prager video of the same title. After just finishing their list of extra-curricular activities and volunteer experiences for high school, they stopped to consider, what would the world be like without goodness?

Harassment And Our Children- Our Role

Parents cannot ignore the daily sexual harassment updates in the news. We cannot hear the revelations each day without wondering and worrying.

Recently, Mrs. Aviva Najman, had sent me an e-mail sharing that she had seen a documentary called "The Mask You Live In,” which discusses the development of boys in American culture today.  This video spoke much about how we are not doing enough for our boys to help them grow into well-adjusted, resilient adults. In addition, it spoke about the culture of harassment that is fairly common in today’s American society.

What is it about boys in today’s society,  and consequently, what can we as parents do?   

In the video, it speaks of the stereotypical expectations placed upon boys today. They are told to “Man up.  Don’t cry.  Be aggressive.  Be angry, but not sad.”  These messages lead to men who cannot express how they are feeling. They are more prone to not have relationships or friends where they can truly share their innermost worries, pain and  emotions. These boys lack empathy.  This “mask”  leads to internalizing pain and to more acting out and depression.  

Boys at the ages of 15-19 have 5 times the rate of suicide than girls in that age range. This is the time period when you are a “mama’s boy” if you show emotion. This is  just when they face the most intense pressure to hide, as they are told that “when they are in the most in pain they can’t reach out because then they will not be a real boy... They live in an emotional mask that prevents them from expressing true feelings.”  We, as parents, socialize our boys in this manner without even realizing.  We need to ask our boys how they feel  more often, and say,  “It is okay to cry.”  

In my family, we used to laugh that my father, a”h, was a big crier. No matter what event, he was the first one to shed the tears.  The older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of that quality. I hope I am raising my boys to cry when needed.

There are three myths that go along with this mask in society today.  The first is that boys must be athletic.  This discourages boys who have other interests, like art, music or academics, from pursuing them.  Boys feel this tremendous pressure to prove themselves athletically.  All of us who have had a young boy know that intense pressure.

The second myth is that having money is manly.  When boys in America today are asked what they want to be when they grow up they say, “Rich.”  

And, then there is the third myth that leads to what we are seeing in the news today. “Sexual conquest is associated with masculinity.”   This begins in preschool, as Dr. Judy Chu notes in the video. Even then, the boys created a “be mean to girls club.”  If we are raising boys that they cannot have intimate friendships and relationships with empathy then they begin to think that intimacy has to be sexual.  The male role models in the media are the superheros- aggressive, violent and “perpetual adolescents” who degrade women.  The hip hop culture reinforces these three myths- including aggression against women.  Violent video games perpetuate this aggressive, less empathic  culture.  This does not even include how the internet has opened up an explicit  world of pornography where women are objectified and brutality is used against women. Society is a place where “men are always supposed to be on the prowl.”  There is the “great set-up…We raise them to reject the feminine side (i.e. emotions), and then we wonder why they disrespect women.”

(As you know, we recently hosted the Bostoner Rebbe here in our school. When he enters the room, one sees a man in Chasidic garb,  and one might wonder what can our Modern Orthodox children relate to in this man?  As our children respectfully listened to his words of encouragement and “chizuk” I realized that they were being introduced to what a true role model is as we were sending this message to the children that this is the type of person worthy of admiration).

Then the culture perpetuates the notion that you never “rat out” a brother.  There is a code of silence that exists no matter what wrong he is doing. I cannot betray him or I will be marginalized. No wonder so much harassment is condoned.

We need to be raising our boys by expanding what it means to be a man.

In our Advisory curriculum, for years we have been doing lessons with both the seventh grade girls and boys lessons on sexual harassment.  I actually read the New Jersey state law against sexual harassment so they see exactly what is included- a  joke that makes you uncomfortable, a cartoon hanging on a wall, or a text.  How do girls want to be treated? What does it mean to be treated like an “object”?  What is the difference between flirting and hurting- when does it cross the line?  Why don’t victims tend to come forward? What if the perpetrator is a person of power- a teacher, a coach, a division head? How does halacha and the Jewish view of relationships protect us from harassment? We also do a lesson with them on “Sntiching,” and why we are often hesitant to stop injustice from happening when a friend is involved.  We also do a lesson with our students on “who is a hero”-  who is that we look up to? Are celebrities role models? What if they do something against my values, do I still admire them?  We thereby highlight the difference between celebrities and role models.

This year, in response to what is happening in the news, we did a lesson with our 8th grade discussing current events,  (in a developmentally appropriate manner), and how events like this can even happen to teens. We spoke again about the importance of teens reaching out to their parents when they are worried.

One topic we discussed was the harassment that happens on-line. Teens are very hesitant to share this information, as they worry that their parents will see all the rest of their communications, and take away their devices.  (Which brings us again to the issue of their technology use. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO RSVP AND TO JOIN US AT TOMORROW EVENING’S WORKSHOP AT 8:00 PM ON “YOUR CHILD IN A DIGITAL WORLD”!)

It says in Masechet Avot 2:6:

וּבְמָקוֹם שֶׁאֵין אֲנָשִׁים, הִשְׁתַּדֵּל לִהְיוֹת אִישׁ:

In a place where there is no man, strive to be a man.

When I hear the expression “be a man”  I think of this mishna. I also think of Shemot 2:12 when Moshe grew up and went to see his enslaved brothers and,

יבוַיִּ֤פֶן כֹּה֙ וָכֹ֔ה וַיַּ֖רְא כִּ֣י אֵ֣ין אִ֑ישׁ וַיַּךְ֙ אֶת־הַמִּצְרִ֔י וַיִּטְמְנֵ֖הוּ בַּחֽוֹל:

12He turned this way and that way, and he saw that there was no man; so he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.

Moshe was a real man.  When he saw there was no man, i.e. no one around to do the right thing, he had to be the man.  And, one can see the empathy here- as it says in the pasuk before וַיַּ֖רְא בְּסִבְלֹתָ֑ם “He looked at their burdens”  - as Rashi says

וירא בסבלתם: נתן עיניו ולבו להיות מיצר עליהם

And looked at their burdens: He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them.

That was true empathy- the ability to feel their pain. That is true manhood.  As we discuss current events with our children, and remind them about how to stay safe, I hope we also remind our boys about what it means to be a man.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders begin on unit on Manners and Etiquette and discussed some basic rules of polite behavior they may not have realized exist.

Seventh Grade: Tackled the topic of the need of the homeless and realizing that we all face tough times, as part of their empathy unit.

Eighth Grade: Eighth graders began to uncover what their interests are and what makes them unique.  They thought about how that relates to how they present themselves to their future high schools.

Your Child Living In A Digital Age- Be There!

I know as a parent it is hard to get out at night.  I am exhausted and the last thing I want to do is run out to school for a program. I hope to convince you by the end of this article to attend our December 4th parent workshop on Your Child Living In A Digital Age- despite the difficulty of getting out.

Before I begin, I’d like to thank all those who have been forwarding me articles which I quote in this column.  Hot off the presses, a November 20th article in The New York Times opinion article “How Evil Is Tech? By David Brooks, ” outlines three “critiques of big tech.”  

1. Increase in social exclusion and loneliness.  While social media promises increased interactions with others, in essence it makes you more aware of how lonely you are and limits real interactions with actual people. “Teens are less likely to hand out with friends, they are less likely to date, they are less likely to work…Eighth graders who spend 10  or more hours a week on social media are 56% more likely to say they are unhappy than those who spend less time. Eighth graders who are heavy users of social media increase their risk of depression by 27%.  Teens who spend three or more hours a day on electronic devices are 35%  more likely to have a risk factor for suicide… Girls, especially hard hit, have experienced a 50% rise in depressive symptoms.”

For someone who works with 8th graders and teens, and for a parent of teens, these statistics are alarming.

      2.  Increased use of technology causes an addiction and the tech companies are purposefully causing this addiction. We all know that addictive quality.

       3. Tech companies are invading the private lives of their users.  

A recent article found on Aish.com, “Smartphones’ Negative Effects: A Summary Of The Latest Comprehensive Research” by Dr. Yvette Alt Miller.  Dr. Miller adds some additional findings of the negative impact of constant smartphone use.

1. Smartphones have a negative impact on our intellectual abilities. Dr. Miller quotes a 2017 research study from University of California  where students scored lower on tests of cognitive ability when their phones were in the room with them.  “The very proximity of their smartphones lowered students’ mental abilities” even when smartphones are turned off. Similar findings were found in other studies as well indicating that smartphones distract us and even change brain activity even when not using them.  
2. Dr. Miller points to the social isolation and the decrease in teens getting together with friends as well. She also highlights how teenagers indicate they feel more lonely and wish they had more friends when they have smartphones.  MIT professor, Professor Sherry Turkle, stresses the importance of face to face communication and how smartphones have changed the entire manner in which we communicate, even face to face. “Face-to-face conversation unfolds slowly. It teaches patience. When we communicate on our digital devices, we learn different habits… we start to expect faster answers. To get these, we ask one another simpler questions. We dumb down our communications, even on the most important matters.”  And, even when we meet face to face, social interactions are even impacted when our phones are simply sitting on the table.
3. Smartphones have a negative impact on one’s health. Over 60% of 18-29 year olds reported sleeping with their smartphones in their beds. 57% more teens are sleep deprived in 2015 than in 1991.  And, this does not include the physiological impact of the LED lights on suppressing our melatonin, and how looking at the screen makes you more alert before bed.

Just in case this research hasn’t been enough…

There is a plethora of research on the impact on teens specifically when it comes to their education and attention span.  In a recent Kappan Magazine article Larry Rosen wrote, “Due to the constant temptation to check their smartphones, today’s students are spending less time on their schoolwork, taking longer to complete assignments, and feeling more stressed in the process.”  Teens think they can multitask, but they really cannot.  When their phones are taken away, they are highly anxious and cannot focus- there is that addictive quality.  Teens are no longer able to focus for more than 15 minutes at a time- whether studying or sitting in class. Rosen suggests the importance of “building stamina for studying without technology.”  

Then… there’s more…

The Wall Street Journal’s  October 2017 article, “How Smartphones Hijack Our Minds” by Nicholas Carr again asserts that “the division of attention impeded reasoning and performance.” When in the middle of a task, if we hear our phones buzz, our attention wanders and our work gets sloppier.   A 2015 study indicated that when subjects  heard their phones ring and could not answer them, their “blood pressure spiked, pulse quickened and their problem-solving skills declined.”

Just the act of resisting the desire to check our phones, can diminish our thinking ability.  This lead to the more concrete decision of some schools to ban smartphones,  where the students’ exam grades went up significantly.  Carr explains that psychologists have always pointed out that any object that is new and intriguing, that has “salience,” will draw our attention.  What makes the smartphone different?  “Imagine combining a mailbox, a newspaper, a TV, a radio, a photo album, a public library and a boisterous party attended by everyone you know, and then compressing them into a single, small, and radiant object. That is what  smartphone represents to us.  No wonder we can’t take our minds off of it.”  

Carr also points out the “google effect.”  “Because search engines are continually available to us, we may often be in a state of not feeling we need to encode the information internally. When we need it, we will look it up.”  Subjects in studies actually recall less due to this effect.  We are transferring the need to recall information to online sources.  The less we have in our memory, the less we have to think about and with.  

We “customers” are not the only ones who have been worrying about the negative effects of smartphones on us.  In an article in The Guardian “Our Minds Can Be Hijacked:The Tech Insiders Who Fear A Smartphone Dystopia,” Paul Lewis interviews tech executives who have put limits on their own technology use.  Tristan Harris, a former Google employee, highlights  that techniques that lure us in are fine-tuned to the customer.  “An internal Facebook report leaked this year revealed that the company can identify when teens feel ‘insecure’ and ‘worthless.’”  Loren Brichter, the designer of the pull down to refresh mechanism, agrees with the common comparison to a slot machine and its addictive quality, although he did not intend it at the time.  

Justin Rosenstein, the Facebook engineer who created the Like button, banned himself from Snapchat and asked his assistant to set up a parental-control feature on his own new iPhone to prevent him from downloading apps. Nir Eyal, the author of Hooked: How to Build Habit Forming Products is the expert on how to create technologies that become compulsions.  He himself  has installed a outlet timer in his house that cuts off access to the internet at a set time each day. He says, “The idea is to remember that we are not powerless. We are in control.”   

As a parent, I worry that we are actually not in control.  At least we have the Shabbat- a day we are forced to disconnect.  The research I quoted relates to teens and above. How about the third graders who are walking around with cellphones? Is it too late for our teens?  What do we need to be doing as parents NOW? A quote from Facebook's founding president Sean Parker says it all, "The thought process that went into building Facebook was all about, 'How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible.?' That means we need to give you a little dopamine hit once in a while, because someone liked or commented on a post or a photo. That's going to get you to contribute more content, and that's going to get you more likes. It's a social validation feedback loop, exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come up with, exploiting vulnerability in human psychology. God only knows what it's doing to our children's brains." I hope I have scared you sufficiently to join us on December 4th. It is an evening that no parent can afford to miss.  

One more note. I found this poem submitted by someone named Shoshana on aish.com. As we hand our children their first smartphones- something to think about:

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated the Torah as we treat our cell phone?

What if we carried It around in our purse or pocket every day?

What if we looked through It many times each day?

What if we turned back to go get It if we forgot It?

What if we always checked It for messages?

What if we treated It as if we couldn't manage a day without It?

What if we gave It to our children as a special gift?

What if we always took It, and used It, when we traveled?

What if we always thought to use It in case of an emergency?

Oh, and one more thing... Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about Torah being disconnected, because Its "Carrier" never fails.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students wrapped up a unit on time management and learned how to schedule their evenings.  They began the next unit on Manners and Respect.

Seventh Grade:  Students began a unit on Empathy and understanding the pain of others.

Eighth Grade; After a lesson about putting the standardized tests into perspective, students discussed gratitude and the impact on our daily lives.

The School's Recess Duty

I have been in middle school now for about 12 years.  Before that I was in high school for about 10 years. Now, you might say that I was working in a middle and high school, but I maintain that when I “live” with middle school students (or high school) I feel as if I am one of them. I feel their accomplishments and their pain. I imagine what it is like to be in their shoes.  Each day I enter school with the same butterflies they feel, and the same worries on my mind.  As a middle schooler I often worry about recess and lunch. Recess and lunch, you might ask?!?!  We typically think that when we ask students what their favorite subject in school is, they respond, “Lunch and recess.” However, that is not the case for a number of middle schoolers.  Some dread those times of day, as they look around the room, searching for someone to with whom to sit and someone who will include him/her in a game.

Natalie Hampton, a sixteen year old in California, developed an app called “Sit With Us” to help students find students with whom to sit during lunch.   Natalie shared that she created this app because she spent most of her seventh grade year sitting alone at lunch.  She suffered from depression and stress, and shared that, “When I walked into a classroom, I was planning an escape route.”  The app also searches for  those who are “happy and willing to invite anyone to join the lunch table.  Users can designate themselves as “ambassadors” who can create “open lunches” and invite others to join. And, because it is on the phone, it is private, and no one need feel like a “loser” for using the app.

   Then there’s ten year old Christian Bucks.  When his family was thinking of moving to Germany he was worried about making friends. A school he looked at had a solution called the “buddy bench.” If a child was sitting on that bench alone during recess it was a sign that other children should ask him to play.  Christian’s family never moved to Germany, but he introduced the “buddy bench” to his school in America. There are now over 2,000 schools with buddy benches in the United States.  

For a child who is feeling as if he hasn’t found his place, recess can be a very lonely time of day. Research indicates the importance of recess for academic/cognitive and physical benefits.  The physical benefits are obvious.  The American Academy of Pediatrics Policy Statement on Recess highlights the cognitive benefits of recess by stating that in order for children to process that which they have learned in class, they need time for “cognitive processing”  which needs “a period of interruption after a period of concentrated instruction.”  Recess actually makes children more attentive in class- even if there is no physical activity and they just socialize with friends.

We often forget the social and emotional benefits of recess as well.  At recess they “practice and role play essential social skills...communication skills, including negotiation, cooperation, sharing and problems solving as well as coping skills, such as perseverance and self-control.”

But, what about the children who struggle with those skills? The children who go outside to recess and stay on the side by themselves?  And, the children who prefer to play games on their iPads instead of interacting with others?  This is where the idea of “structured recess” comes in.  Providing programming during recess allows for children who may have a hard time during this unstructured time.  Research by Stanford University in The Journal of School Health  demonstrates that a recess program can help children feel more engaged, safer and more positive about school.  It is a “critical contributor to positive school climate.”

I am proud to say that in the past few years we have made some progress in the middle school in this area.  This year, we have embarked on a more ambitious effort to provide structured activities DAILY for those who wish.  Our Middle School Recess Program contains: a.  A daily game room with mini hockey, foosball, nock hockey and assorted board games, b. Basketball leagues for sixth (Tuesday/ Thursday) and seventh grade (Monday/Wednesday), Thursday c. Zumba each Thursday  d. Baking for sixth grade e.  Makerspace daily  f. An art component still being developed.  

The other adults in the building have been wondering why I have felt so passionate about making this happen. It is simple. I am in middle school too. I know what it is like to enter a room and not know who to talk to.  I know what it is like to not be sure which table to choose- where will I feel comfortable? I know what it is like to feel anxious about what to do at recess- especially if I am not athletic.   And, so, we needed to make this structured recess program happen.  For middle schoolers like me.

(Parents often wonder, if my child likes being alone, is my child lonely?  What if he prefers to be by himself?  At home, this might be the middle schooler who enjoys reading, art, or just watching TV, while his siblings have sleepovers or are going to the movies and making plans.  There are children who are “home bodies.” I think the first piece is to ascertain whether the child is unhappy- through speaking with him. There are some children who won’t reveal their true feelings. How does he feel about hanging out at home?  You want to find out if his being alone is happening at school as well.  “What did you do at recess today?” “Who are you sitting next to at lunch?” Again, sometimes you can get some information. Reaching out to the school is a good idea as well to find out whether he seems alone in school or is hanging out with the rest of the students.  

On one hand, children have different personalities and some are happy to be relaxing at home without Saturday night plans. On the other hand, if the feedback from school is consistent with the fact that he is alone in school all the time, despite his being content, he is missing out on learning and practicing the social skills needed for interacting with others.  In that case, the parent can encourage some invitations.  That might need to start slow with an activity like bowling or a movie, where not a lot of talking is demanded).

It says in Bereishit 2:18, “ לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ אֶֽעֱשֶׂה־לּ֥וֹ עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ” "It is not good for man to be alone; I shall make him a helpmate opposite him."  It is the only thing in the Torah described as “not good”- being alone.  There is nothing more painful than the feeling of being alone.  Rav Binny Freedman points out that in Parashat Vayishlach 32:25 it describes the pain of Yaakov as, “וַיִּוָּתֵ֥ר יַֽעֲקֹ֖ב לְבַדּ֑וֹ” “And, Yaakov was left all alone.”  That is when he struggled with the angel. Rav Soloveitchik, z”l, points out that the identity of this man that he struggles with is kept mysterious, as it is meant to be Yaakov himself.  

When we feel lonely, and we struggle within ourselves- wondering why no one wants to be with us, it is a miserable feeling.  This feeling is magnified during the pre-adolescent and adolescent stages when children are searching for themselves and dependent on peers and friendships to define them.  As adults, our primary role is to help them discover themselves, to realize how wonderful they are and to develop that self-esteem so that they can stop struggling within themselves. However, our job is also to make for them an עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ.  First, to stress to our other students their obligation to reach out to someone who has not been included and be their  עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ. We should all have that conversation with our children at home. And, that is also what our recess programming is all about- helping them find that עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ.  That is our recess duty.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students learned to use google classroom as a time management tool.

Seventh Grade- Students debriefed the Frost Valley experience and heard a presentation by Mr. Jeff Slater from the Bergen County Housing, Health and Human Services Center to introduce the students to the homeless shelter they will be visiting as part of their unit on empathy.

Eighth Grade-  Students discussed the phenomenon of test anxiety and why tests do not define them, in preparation for the PSAT exam this week.

The Key To Unspoiling

This week I had the privilege of studying with my daughters for their Chumash and Navi tests.  This privilege was not bequeathed upon me because I worked hard for my Masters in Jewish Education and have spent many years teaching Tanach.  I was granted this honor because I’m a mom- as simple as that.    

Those of you who know me or have been reading my column for some years know that I am constantly on alert for material for my weekly column.   While studying both Chumash and Navi the same theme appeared and I took that as I sign that that topic was meant to be part of this week’s column.

One daughter was learning Melachim I 1:5.  These pesukim tell the story of Adoniyahu’s attempt to usurp the kingship from his half brother Shlomo in Dovid HaMelech’s old age.  It describes Adoniyahu as “Mitnaseh” “exalted himself.” And, it says in Pasuk 6, “And his father had not angered him all his days saying,’Why have you done so?’” The Radak pasuk 5 describes how Adoniyahu thought he should be king because he was better looking than his brothers “and he said in his heart that his father loved him more than his other brothers because he never rebuked him and never angered him and therefore he said, ‘I will be king.’” It struck me that this is a child who somehow grew up spoiled, leading to his rebellion.

Later in the week, I encountered Shemot 32:31 where Moshe Rabbeinu approaches Hashem after the Cheit HaEgel- sin of the golden calf, begging for forgiveness.  Rashi on the words, “a god of gold” quotes a Gemara in Berachot 32a that Moshe is saying to Hashem, “It was You who caused them to sin, for you lavished upon them gold and whatever they desired. What should they have done so as not sin? It is like a parable of a king who gave his son to eat and drink, dressed him up, hung a coin purse on his neck, and stationed him at the entrance of a brothel.  What can the son do so as not to sin?”  In essence, Moshe is telling Hashem, “You spoiled them- that is why they sinned.”  

Two sources related to over-indulging our children. Now, either I was getting a message relaying the topic of my weekly column or telling me that my own children are spoiled and I need to do something about it!

As parents, we often consider whether we are spoiling our kids. They no longer have to walk miles in the snow to school like we did in the “olden days” (or at least our parents had to).  They don’t have after-school jobs or need to pay their way.  If they have a test we will clean their rooms for them so they can focus on studying.   Am I the only parent spoiling my children? Or are all American children spoiled?

An article in The New Yorker  2012 article “Spoiled Rotten-  Why Do Kids Rule the Roost?”,  by Elizabeth Kolbert attempts to answer these questions. In 2004, Caroline Izuierdo, an anthropologist at the University of California, lived for some months with the Matsigenka tribe in the Peruvian Amazon. She particularly note the behavior of a six year old girl who made herself useful (without being asked) by sweeping the sand off the sleeping mats twice a day, stacking the kapashi leaves for transport, and fishing for crustaceans- and cleaning, boiling and serving them.  

She compared this behavior to those of children in the anthropological study she was doing at home in Los Angeles. No children in the L.A. families did chores without being asked. “Often, the kids had to be begged to attempt the simplest tasks; often they still refused. In one fairly typical encounter, a father asked his eight year old son five times to please go take a bath or a shower.  After the fifth plea went unheeded, the father picked the boy up and carried him into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the kid, still unwashed, wandered into another room to play a video game… In another representative encounter, an eighter year old girl sat down at the dining table.  Finding that no silverware had been laid out for her, she demanded, ‘How am I supposed to eat?’ Although she clearly knew where the silverware was kept, her father got up to get it for her.”  In another incident, a boy who could clearly tie his own shoes demanded his father do it for him.

In comparing the girl from the Matsigenka tribe to the children in Los Angeles, and the significant difference in childhood responsibility, we need to ask, why is it that the six year old girl helps her parents so much and in LA  it is the parents who are helping  their children?   American children may be the most indulged in history. They have been given too much “stuff” and have been  “granted unprecedented authority.”  Instead of children striving for their parents approval, parents seek approval from their children.  ⅔ of American parents believe their children are spoiled.  This spoiling trend may explain why adult children seem to have a prolonged “adultescence,” as stated by Sally Koslow in her book Slouching Toward Adulthood: Observations From The Not-So- Empty Nest. She says that our children live in “a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”

So, what do we need to do to “unspoil” our children?

1.  In other cultures they believe “ignoring children is good for them.”  We practice too much “helicopter parenting” where we hover over them at all times.

2. At times, we just need to say, “No” which we don’t say often enough. Limits- including the music they listen to, their technology use, the food they eat, and even the friends with whom they associate (which needs to be more subtly implemented as they get older).

3. We must never excuse their rude behavior.

4. We need to follow through on discipline. We often say there will be some consequence, but we do not carry out the consequence.

5.  We should allow them to be self-sufficient. Reinforce their independence.

6. We cannot be afraid to disappoint.

7. Let them work for what they want.

6.They need to help out more at home and do more chores, as the Kolbert’s article highlights.  In a Braun research study only 28% of parents regularly assign chores to their children, even though 82% said they grew up doing chores.

Why do we resist having our children do more chores?  As Kolbert notes, when she first asked her son to take out the garbage he did not close the lid tightly, which attracted a bear and she spent the next morning collecting refuse. Sometimes we just don’t have the time to have our children help. It is easier to do it ourselves.  We are also fearful of damaging our relationships with them.  We don't want to constantly nag them.  We at times feel guilty asking them to help, as they are so busy with their work and extracurricular activities.

Children who do chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification.  Data collected over 25 years by Marty Rossman of University of Mississippi determined that starting chores at the age 3 or 4 lead to the subjects’ success in their mid-20s. Those children who started chores at a young age understood the importance of contributing to their families, had a greater sense of empathy, were better adjusted, had better relationships with friends and family and were more successful in their careers as adults.  “The best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20’s was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four.”

The good news is we are in good company.  Both Dovid HaMelech and Hakadosh Baruch Hu “spoiled” their children (k’vayachol) (as some interpret the pesukim). It is never too late to “unspoil” our children.  (I’ll let you know how it goes in my house!)

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade:  Students learned how google classroom is an important tool for time management.

Seventh Grade:  Students finished a unit on communication skills and teamwork by focusing on effective listening.

Eighth Grade-  Some groups focused on interview skills this week, while others experienced a lesson on sexual harassment and teens as related to current events.