"Godly" Parenting

“As a father has compassion on his sons so too should You have mercy on us.” כְּרַחֵם אָב עַל בָּנִים כֵּן תְּרַחֵם ה’ עָלֵֽינוּ- are words we find in the daily Selichot we just began saying last night.    As we get closer to Rosh Hashana and we attempt to achieve that forgiveness and fresh start we consider that Hashem is really our “father” and we are His children.   In many ways, our relationship with Hashem is similar to our relationship with our own children. If we tap into our parenting experiences we can perhaps understand our relationship with God better.  And, likewise, if we consider our relationship with God, perhaps it can help uncover a new perspective on our relationship with our own children. Through highlighting two aspects of our parenting experiences that can be gleaned from Hashem’s parenting style, may we also receive some inspiration for a meaningful Rosh Hashana and relationship with Him. 

Our Teens Still Need Us

“אֲנִ֤י לְדוֹדִי֙ וְדוֹדִ֣י לִ֔י”  “I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me.”  Since we are young children we are taught that the word אלול is an acronym for that פסוק in שיר השירים ו:ג. These words typify the love relationship between Hashem and Bnai Yisrael.  This pasuk is found elsewhere in שיר השירים in ב: טז but in the opposite order דּוֹדִ֥י לִי֙ וַֽאֲנִ֣י ל֔וֹ.  The Lubavitcher Rebbe pointed out that the difference between these two pesukim typifies two ways we relate to Hashem.  At times, it is Hashem who “initiates” the relationship and even if we are hesitant and disconnected He makes His presence in our lives known to us-  דּוֹדִ֥י לִי֙.   And, at other times, we take the initiative and reach out to Him even when He appears distant from us.

This relationship with Hashem typifies the relationship we, parents of teens, have with our children. At times, they want to distance themselves from us and do not seek a relationship with us. At times, (usually really late at night when we are half asleep), they want our attention.  Sometimes they want to take a walk with us Shabbos afternoon. Sometimes, they do not want to be seen with us in public.  Their friends become the center of their world, but they still need us.  They may be more argumentative and push us away, but still want us to test them for their exam the next day. 

When our children send us the message to leave them be and step away, some parents react by smothering them and overparenting.  Other parents do the opposite- they take a step back and out of overseeing their kids’ lives.  As parents,  we are at times tempted to give up and surrender.  While every word and even action of our teen may be saying they want to push us away, they long for us to hang on and be there for them no matter what. Giving them space to be independent does not mean leaving them.  They need our guidance and advice and we need to be available for whenever they are ready to reach out to us and initiate that connection.  This also means not punishing them for times they have rejected us by saying things like, “You didn’t want me to help you yesterday and were rude to me. No way am I helping you now!”  We are always there for them no matter what- always present, even if they may not need us as much as they used to.  Just as Hashem is always waiting for us, even if we at times reject Him, so too we as parents are always patiently waiting for our children. 

How?  We need to make it easy for them to come to us when they are ready.  Not being critical, being a listening ear and trying to influence them rather than control them are ways to be there for our teens.  While they might be out of control, we need to be the calming force.  Let them know that whatever they do you will always be there for them. No topic is off-limits if they want to speak to you.  Be ready whenever they are. As I alluded to above, that might be late at night, or on the way to the mall in the car. 

Giving Teens What They Need

It says in Devarim 8:5: 

וְיָֽדַעְתָּ֖ עִם־לְבָבֶ֑ךָ כִּ֗י כַּֽאֲשֶׁ֨ר יְיַסֵּ֥ר אִישׁ֙ אֶת־בְּנ֔וֹ ה' אֱלֹקיךָ מְיַסְּרֶֽךָּ:

You shall know in your heart, that just as a man chastises his son, so does the Lord, your God, chastise you.

Just like a parent, at times God does not give us something we want, because He loves us.  Like a parent, God cares more about our growth and what is good for us in the long-term than making us happy in the short- term.  In her article “God And Parents” Riva Pomerantz quotes a friend, “God doesn’t always give me what I want. But He always give ms what I need.”  As parents, we can think of the many times we do not give children what they want because we want what is best for them.  This concept hits home after hearing Janell Burley Hofman speak as she asserted that as we limit our children when it comes to technology we need to tell them that we are doing so because we love them.  Our children might want every social media app without limit- but it is not good for them. They may want a full bag of candy- but it is not good for them. 

            Pomerantz asserts, “While I have always connected with the idea of God being my Father, His essence has become so much more wondrous to me since I became a parent.  God created the parent-child paradigm to serve as a basis for His relationship with His children, and that is a tangible touchstone for me.   If I, as a parent, take care to give my children what they need- instead of what they want- surely I can accept that God, my Father, treats me in the same way. And when I cannot accept that God does what’s best for me, I am like the petulant child, throwing a tantrum after not getting her way.”

            She goes on to say that unlike a parent, who makes decisions based on parenting books read or gut, “God’s decisions are perfect, crafted in His infinite wisdom...It affords me the certainty that God is doing the absolute very best thing- not only for me but for everyone involved.”  God is unlimited by the barriers of space-time, intelligence and ability and takes all into account when making decisions. 

            Just as a child may not fully comprehend his parent’s decisions, we may not fully understand God’s choices for us.  We need to accept that God always makes the best decisions for us and meets our needs. He may not give us what we want.. But then again, we do not always know what we want.  “So the next time we feel like throwing a tantrum, we can look, instead, towards our loving Father, and try to accept that His Will is for our best.  God’s ‘parenting’ is never contaminated with the pride, self-interest, inexperience, or poor decision- making that human parents struggle with. His love and goodness forever guide us, as we navigate the intricate, wondrous tapestry of life.”  This realization can also give us more strength as parents to stay strong when our children tantrum for that which is not good for them. 

            During this Yamim Noraim season, as we turn to Hashem אבינו מלכנו may we receive the right balance of compassion from our Father that we need, and may we have the strength to parent our own children in His image. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students received success tips from last year’s sixth graders and considered what areas they want to focus on as they enter sixth grade. 

Seventh Grade:  Students considered how changing the world this year begins with focusing on self- change. The girls did a mini-lesson on how girls interact with each other and social exclusion.

Eighth Grade: Coming from last week’s corn maze trip students considered how the maze represents when we confront “dead-ends” in life and how we face life challenges.

Nice Guys Finish First

            We are gearing up for our first Chesed Team event of the year and the first year of the Bergen County Chesed League!  As you received the e-mails this past week, you might have wondered, what does the job of director of guidance have to do with Chesed?  Why am I coordinating this effort?  Aside from the fact that it is a wonderful way to connect with the students, my goal is to partner with you in raising resilient and happy children. Contributing to the world with chesed is the way to make that happen! Sounds counterintuitive. You would think that the more we give to our children the happier they will be. Well, research indicates just the opposite.  The more they give the happier they will be.  We do not make our children happier by making them receivers of kindness. They become happier by making them givers of kindness. As Dr. Christine Carter, professor at UC Berkley,  notes, "Adolescents who identify their primary motive as helping others are three times happier than those who lack such altruistic motivation. Similarly, teens who are giving are also happier and more active, involved, excited, and engaged than their less engaged counterparts."  A study at the University of British Columbia took children ages 9-11 and had half of them record three acts of kindness each week that they performed.  The other group kept track of three pleasant places they visited during the week.  When children performed acts of kindness their happiness increased more. 

            Evolution indicates “survival of the fittest”- the stronger overtakes the weak.  However, this clearly does not apply to humans. Nice guys do not finish last, as David Brooks indicates in his New York Times commentary “Nice Guys Finish First.”  Even from a selfish perspective, it is in our best interest to give to and be kind to others, so that others will want to work with us.  I can share story upon story of children with whom no one wants to work in class because they appear unkind and selfish.  But, it is not only a conscious decision to be kind so as to gain that reputation, but we are genetically predisposed to kindness. Children at the young age of 12 months already try to be helpful when someone else is struggling.  

            There are a number of benefits to performing chesed, which demonstrate that nice guys do in fact finish first: 

            Acts of kindness boost self-esteem.   We know that teenagers often struggle with low self-esteem. These teenage years are therefore prime time for engaging in acts of chesed. Dr. Joe Austerman in the article “Research shows Acts of Kindness can Boost Self-Esteem in Adolescents” notes  “Having them engage with people actually builds a sense of self-competency.  They do better academically, they tend to develop a better peer support system and it feeds forward as an adult. They tend to accomplish more as adults when they’re doing prosocial behaviors as kids.”  Interestingly enough, engaging in kind acts increases popularity and peer acceptance, which lead to higher feelings of self-esteem and inclusion.  And, when teens are happier and feel more well-liked, they exhibit less bullying behaviors towards others.  These teens who volunteer are more socially competent. 

            Helping others feels good. Dacher Keltner in “Born To Be Good”  describes that when we help another activity is triggered in the caudate nucleus and anterior cingulate cortex regions of the brain, the parts involved in pleasure and reward. Helping others biologically creates pleasure. 

There has also been seen to be a reduction in anxiety and depression in those who perform kind acts. "Since depression, anxiety and stress involve a high degree of focus on the self, focussing on the needs of others literally helps shift our thinking. Having a positive effect on someone else can increase our self-esteem and give our life a greater sense of purpose,” states Dr. Sonja Lybomirsky of University of California.   Teens who engage in chesed have lower suicide risks. In the article “Can Random Acts of Kindness Increase Well-Being” Erika Stoerkel lists many physiological and emotional benefits to engaging in kindness.  When doing chesed there is an increase in oxytocin- one of the “happy hormones” which contribute to feelings of happiness.  It has been found to help lower blood pressure, improve overall heart health, increase self-esteem and optimism.  When engaged in kindness your brain produces more serotonin, which is commonly known as the “feel-good” chemical that provides healing and calming feelings. This release contributes to heightened self-worth, positivity and even more energy.   This is commonly called the “Helper’s High.” 

 Endorphins are also produced which decreases pain. Additionally, when involved in chesed research shows that people have 23% less cortisol (stress hormone). A study in the University of British Columbia showed that when anxious subjects performed at least six acts of kindness a week there was a significant increase in their positive mood and decrease in their anxiety.  As noted above, one’s blood pressure can even be lowered from acts of kindness, as oxytocin releases a chemical called nitric oxide, which dilates the blood vessels, reducing blood pressure.  Acts of kindness towards others improves the immune system as well. 

Engaging in chesed is linked to academic success.  Teens who volunteer for chesed are less likely to fail a subject in school and abuse substances.  These students also tend to be more engaged in class.  Due to the emotional benefits mentioned above, because they are less worried they can concentrate more on their studies.  Studies indicate children are also more creative as they engage in kind acts.   They look forward to coming to school and have higher rates of attendance. 

We, as parents, are struggling with the narcissism of the “selfie generation.” And, it is not all in our minds. Studies do indicate that today’s teens are more narcissistic than previous generations. Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University does note that teens today score higher on the measure the Narcissism Personality Inventory measuring  “vanity, superiority and self-sufficiency.” When doing chesed teens develop more empathy and learn to see the world through the eyes of others, and therefore are less likely to think “it is all about me.”  Doing acts of kindness increases a sense of gratitude- they appreciate all they have that others do not. 

            The Gemara in Sukkah 49b states

יכול אף ירא שמים כן ת"ל (תהלים קג, יז) וחסד ה' מעולם ועד עולם על יראיו

One might have thought that even a God-fearing individual does not always encounter the opportunity to perform acts of kindness. Therefore, the verse states: “But the kindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him” (Psalms 103:17).

Rabbi Binyamin Zimmerman in his article,  “Bein Adam Le-chavero: Ethics of Interpersonal Conduct” notes that the Gemara links chesed with יראה- fear/awe of G-d. What do kindness and fear have to do with each other?   

Rav Shlomo Wolbe (Alei Shor I, page 91) explains that after deeper analysis it becomes clear that there is a shared foundation that lies at the root of these two attributes, chesed and yira.  They both center on the following question:  Where does a person focus his eyes?  What does one notice?  They challenge a person to decide whether he or she is aware that he or she is not the only one in this world and act accordingly.  As he writes:

There is one root in the soul to both of these attributes.  There are those who see beyond themselves, and there are others who do not see anything beyond themselves.  The one who sees only himself is only able to feel that which he is lacking, and therefore he lives only for his own benefit.  One who doesn’t notice others is incapable of seeing a person in need, nor will he take note of his Creator.

There lies the similarity. One who is self-absorbed and only focuses on oneself cannot do chesed. Likewise, such a person is incapable of recognizing G-d.  Both chesed and יראה are “attributes that may only be embraced by those who see beyond themselves.”  It is easy to attend a chesed event and spend some time in a nursing home.  What true chesed is is having the ability to truly put oneself in the shoes of the other.  This is the chesed we referred to earlier- which combats the narcissism of today’s society. And, while we approach Rosh Hashana, it is meaningful to consider that we and our children too can only recognize G-d if we can see beyond ourselves. 

  

            And, so chesed leads to self-esteem, happiness, academic success, popularity, inclusion, empathy, physical health and even leads us on the path to recognizing G-d.  No wonder we formed a chesed team!  All these benefits...nice guys do finish first in all of the areas that are important. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students continued their puzzle making getting to know you activity.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about Austin Gutwein’s efforts to change the world and how they can too. 

Eighth Grade:  Students uncovered their learning styles and how they can serve as guidance for them in setting up their study habits. 

Parenting Digital Teens...The Next Steps

            “...we conducted a critical experiment; one which would ultimately provide us with greater insight into our social and behavioral state of health.  For seven weeks our beautiful scenic campus functioned as a laboratory...What if we eliminated screens altogether?... all screen devices were collected...And then we waited. And waited.  And waited.  Almost instantaneously, something remarkable occurred and continued throughout the weeks that followed. The participants in this grand experiment seemed to display a genuine sense of freedom. Rather than rebel, they seemed noticeably at ease, as they were suddenly released from the digital shackles that often hold us captive.”  

            These are not the words from a research study in a university or a segment from a scientific journal recording a grand social psychology experiment. These are the words of Rabbi Larry Rothwachs in his article “Surviving And Thriving Without Screens” as he reports the results of the new technology policy in Camp Morasha over the summer,  where he is the camp rabbi.   Rabbi Rothwachs describes how while they were worried about the “fallout” and reactions of the technology withdrawal and what the children would do to unwind at night, during a rainy day or even a fast day, they were ready to attempt the new policy.  And, then, as Rabbi Rothwachs notes, they interacted with each other, “in ways that, not all that long ago, were considered normal human behaviors. They sat around, at times for long periods at end, and looked up and forward, rather than down and away… But, most importantly, they looked at each other.  Not a passing glance here and there; they really looked at each other. They spoke with one another and interacted with nature and with the world around them, without the constant distraction of chirps, buzzes, beeps and the powerful allure of those glaring screens that so often hijack our attention.”

            Rabbi Rothwachs’ words truly made me think.  No wonder his workshop to our parents last year iParent: A Roadmap for Raising Children in the Digital Era was so well-received, and spurred on a desire among the parents to create unified shut-off times for their children. 

(As a reminder, here is a link to the text of the e-mail that came from the YPAA presidents regarding this important endeavor).

            As I reread Rabbi Rothwachs’ article after Shabbat last night, I considered that what those Morasha campers were experiencing was taking what has begun to be commonly known, even among non- Jews, a “tech Sabbath.”   I first came across this term when I saw a link to a video by Tiffany Shalin on Technology Shabbat.  She describes an entire movement to choose one day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with the people in our lives.  It is an opportunity to stop “phubbing,” or snubbing a person in favor of your phone.  G-d was the first initiator of a Shabbat where He stopped creating and rested.   G-d even paused at the end of each day to take the time to look around and say כי טוב- it was good.   So too when we take a Tech Shabbat we mimic G-d and stop to enjoy and appreciate all that we have created throughout the hectic week. It provides us with the opportunity to rejuvenate, recharge and rewire our frazzled brains.  We, religious Jews, are lucky enough to have this day built into our halachic system.  But, perhaps our teens need extended Tech Sabbaths, which Morasha did for their campers. 

            A recent Common Sense Media (a wonderful resource for parents!) survey reported that teenagers say they prefer texting to talking to friends in person. About 89% of teens have a smartphone, versus only 41 %  in 2012.  50% of teens say they are addicted to their phones.  78%  feel the need to immediately respond to texts and other communications. The majority of those surveyed said that their technology wakes them at night and distracts them from homework.  This information is not at all surprising. 

            Those of us who parent middle schoolers know about this constant “obsession” or even “addiction” when it comes to our children’s devices.  Parenting in this digital age has often been a topic of my weekly blog (just last year, three times -feel free to go back and read  December 9- Parents Unite! Don’t Miss Our December 11th Workshop...Really!, December 30- FOMO, Posting, and Teen Loneliness, January 6- Cellphone Addiction and Teens).   We, as parents and Yavneh faculty, are constantly rethinking and reconsidering how to support and strengthen our children in this area.  I often share the story of the family who with relief shared that their son’s cellphone fell into a lake while hiking. Instead of being upset about the wasted money, they were relieved that there would no longer be any temptations for him and battles between them during homework time. (And, yes, there were no immediate plans for the parents to replace that phone).  In meeting after meeting with parents of struggling students, it comes to light that the phone is a constant distraction. And, research does indicate that cellphones impact on the child’s ability to learn even if they are not using their devices, but they are just sitting next to them. 

 As Chris Anderson, in his article “A Dark Consensus About Screens and Kids Begins to Emerge in Silicon Valley” writes that it is getting to the point where it is almost beyond the ability of parents to control as it is “going straight to the pleasure centers of the developing brain.”  Of course, there is the emotional impact of device usages on the middle schooler, as I quoted research last year in one of my blogs, that eighth-graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on social media are 56 percent more likely to say they’re unhappy than those who devote less time to social media.

Again, all of this is not new information. What is new that we are ready to do something about it. Last year, as you recall, our Parent Digital Safety committee developed suggested guidelines for device usage at home to add strength to this effort with the development of community norms and standards. Click here for guidelines

More importantly, just this past week, we all received the joint statement on device usage from the Bergen county elementary school heads of school. As parents we are grateful to these administrators for boldly uniting and creating this statement. It is clear that we are all struggling with the same issues and need to support each other. Thank you!! 

            Now,  that we have these guidelines from the parent committee and the heads of school...something is still holding us back. What more can we do?   That is the purpose of this coming Wednesday Septemeber 11th’s parent workshop by Janell Burley Hofman at 8:00 pm, for all parents of children grades prek-8.  Ms. Hofman’s reputation precedes her and we have heard from other schools how her presentations are truly life-changing. We had the chance to meet with her to outline our expectations and her recommendations for the presentation. We were already wowed and we know you will be too. But, most importantly, Ms. Hofman has a good handle on what teens are thinking and what works for them.  Her presentation is realistic and keeps the feelings, needs and developmental stage of our middle schoolers in mind.

            Here is a glimpse of what she can teach us about our middle schoolers from her article “The 15 Most Popular Tech Truths From My Conversations With Middle School Students.” This is just a taste of how Ms. Hofman just “gets it.”  Please do make every effort to attend the workshop, and please fill out the short questionnaire in the RSVP e-mail so your needs and issues can be addressed that evening. Looking forward to seeing you there! 

            The 15 Most Popular Tech Truths From My Conversations with Middle School Students

Janell Burley Hofmann, May 13, 2015 journal

Have you ever wondered what middle schoolers have to say about technology? Have you wanted access to their thoughts and feelings and beliefs around the device culture? Do you want to talk to your middle schooler about technology, but aren’t sure where to begin? Well, I’ve been taking notes just for you!  After a full year of travel all over the world talking to kids, tweens, teens, parents, teachers, policy makers, techies, and organizations, I have learned so much. As I begin to break down all of my interactions and process everything I have been taught, I feel the urge to share some of the voices I have gathered along the way. Of course, we talked about so much more, but these are the topics that have come up in my conversations with middle schoolers the most. 

1. I follow people I don’t know online and they follow me too – even though my accounts are private – I accept them. I don’t know if that’s ok.

2.             I feel like I always have to respond to my friends immediately or they’ll get mad at me.

3.             My phone was broken (taken away, lost) and at first it was hard not to have it, but then it got easy and it felt really good not to be attached to it.

4.             On my social networks or on my YouTube Channel, I often get negative comments, swears and sometimes threat. I don’t know if they are people joking or just being mean, but I still want as many followers as possible.

5.             I see and hear kids younger than me doing way worse stuff online, so I feel like what I do isn’t so bad when I see those kids.

6.             My parents overshare pictures and stories about me online and it makes me uncomfortable.

7.             My classmate secretly takes pictures/videos during class and the teacher doesn’t know, but I want it to stop.

8.             Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate because all I want to do is game.

9.             My parents are addicted to their phones.

10.          I’m always trying to help my friends solve their problems, but I end up getting too involved in all of the drama online.

11.          I’m afraid if I don’t have my phone/device/account, that I’m going to miss something or not know what’s happening with my friends.

12.          It’s hard to know what’s real online. Sometimes I think I’m following one thing and then a bunch of inappropriate pictures or comments show up.

13.          I have seen something online I wished I didn’t see.

14.          My parents aren’t that easy to talk to and so it’s hard to go to them with a problem. I’d rather figure it out myself or with my friends.

15.          I like to be creative online and I wish that didn’t count as screen time.

____________________________________________________________

Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade: Students learned about the goals of Advisory and got to know each other through a puzzle making activity.  (Please note:  Half of our students did not yet have Advisory and will be having it on Tuesday for the first time). 

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of the 7th grade Advisory curriculum “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” through focusing on the fact that kids can in fact make a difference and the importance of self- change and working on self- improvement. (Please note: Only the girls have had Advisory. The boys will have their first session this coming Monday)

Eighth Grade:  Students began with real-life interviews of Yavneh graduates discussing what the 8th grade year is like.  These interviews launched the topics of the first half of their Advisory year. Students also played a getting to know you game to learn more about their fellow advisees and Advisor- Mrs. Rubin.