Free At Last... From Cellphones!

Each year when the 7th graders come back from their  Frost Valley Leadership Retreat we “debrief” the experience with them in Advisory. (Frost Valley, for those who are new to middle school, is a three day retreat full of team building activities,  nature  and learning). We want them to focus on the purpose and the takeaways from the program. We also want them to provide feedback to us that we can use in future years to improve the program.  

This year, we did something different! All those with 7th graders know exactly what I am talking about as it was a source of discussion days before the trip.  We DID NOT ALLOW CELLPHONES ON THE TRIP. Period.  While they cannot get reception at Frost Valley itself, students used to take their phones with them and were allowed to use them on the bus. This year, NOTHING.   

As part of the “debrief” mentioned above, we also send them a survey to fill out about the trip.  We added a question this year:

What did you think about the experience of having no phone? Was it difficult for you? What were some of the negatives ofnot having a phone? The positives? How did it impact on the program?

I want to give you a sprinkling of their responses (in their exact words):

I think it’s good cuz we were outside and not staring at our phones. It was hard because we couldn’t take selfies with my friends. This impact on the program because we got to learn more about other people.

I thought the experience of having no phones was very enjoyable to be able to have a break. It wasn’t difficult for me because my camp has the same policy. The negatives of having no phone was I couldn’t take my own personal pictures of the beautiful scenery. There were many positives of having no phone such as I could take in everything and the views. It impacted the program because I was focusing on the programs and I had a very enjoyable time.

I think it was good but also a little bit annoying that we couldn't have our phones. It was difficult because I wanted to get a lot of pictures with my friends and that kind of stopped that from happening. The good part was that we weren’t staring at screens the whole time and we were actually enjoying ourselves. It made this program an experience to remember!

When I tell people that not having phones around is a good thing and that it really helps you become better friends with the people around you, they answer me by explaining why they should have their phones for watching videos and using social media, but I feel that even though we enjoy using our phones, experiences like these really aren’t the same with them.

I liked having no phone because it gave us time to bond with friends and get to know them better. It was a little difficult for me because I would have liked to call my parents once or twice. I liked having no phones because it made it feel more like camp and made sure everyone was included in all the activities.

Honestly, i kind of liked not having a phone. The negatives were is that with my phone, I feel more secure because I can call or text anyone if necessary. But, it was good to get out into the real world-not the internet. If the program included phones, nobody would speak with one and other.

It was not difficult to have a phone. It was a negative that I couldn’t play games on my phone, but I could be less distracted from my friends. It impacted the trip because instead of playing on our phones at night, we played games with each other.

The one negative thing is that’s I couldn’t check football scores. The positives were it felt like a fun Shabbos

I think that not having our phones gave us a good break from them. Surprisingly, I mostly forgot about my phone. There were definitely times that I wanted my phone to call my mom to let her know how my day went. I also really wanted my phone to take pictures. However, I also felt that I got to spend more time with my friends. I learned a lot about my friends that I didn’t know before.

While there were some students who complained, aside from two responses, all the students felt there was a positive to not having their phones. They were “less distracted,” “talked to each other more,” they weren’t “staring at their screens all the time,” and they “bonded more with each other.” Wow!  

No one pressured them to write these responses. They said it all on their own.  As you recall, at the beginning of the year I quoted an article by Rabbi Larry Rothwachs called  “Surviving And Thriving Without Screens” as he reported the results of the new technology policy in Camp Morasha over the summer,  where he is the camp rabbi.   Rabbi Rothwachs described how while they were worried about the “fallout” and reactions of the technology withdrawal and what the children would do to unwind at night, during a rainy day or even a fast day, they were ready to attempt the new policy.  And, then, as Rabbi Rothwachs noted, they interacted with each other, “in ways that, not all that long ago, were considered normal human behaviors. They sat around, at times for long periods at end, and looked up and forward, rather than down and away… But, most importantly, they looked at each other.  Not a passing glance here and there; they really looked at each other. They spoke with one another and interacted with nature and with the world around them, without the constant distraction of chirps, buzzes, beeps and the powerful allure of those glaring screens that so often hijack our attention.” (Here is a link to my previous column where I deal with this topic of cellphone addiction: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17cpScXHUDP5A2HdbiLXA_n0B2gBVZtpSvOQTIhZc5Cc/edit?usp=sharing). 

Rabbi Rothwachs called this new policy “a critical experiment that provided greater insight into our social and behavioral state of health.” The participants in this grand experiment seemed to display a genuine sense of freedom. Rather than rebel, they seemed noticeably at ease, as they were suddenly released from the digital shackles that often hold us captive.”  You might say that our  Frost Valley trip was another experiment where the subjects reacted the same, with similar data results, substantiating Rabbi Rothwachs’ and Morasha’s findings. 

As I sat at the community-wide screening of Screenagers last Monday evening, and joined 1000 other community members in the viewing and in hearing the words of Dr. Pelcovitz, I knew that as I parent I was not alone. While I had seen Screenagers before, seeing it with parents of so many other children I felt empowered to do more. As I quoted last year https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n3Ovqy94Z4rbei_NTNDZA5VomYhf5aFF2Ewl7LrnCUs/edit?usp=sharing)  from an article “Our Children Are Begging Us To Stop”- I think the comments that our Yavneh 7th grade students made on their surveys qualify as their “begging us to help them stop.”  As Screenagers noted all the negative side effects of the constant technology- they need to stop and cannot do it on their own.  As one of our insightful 7th graders said in his/her survey, “It might make people less happy to have a phone, but it was a good move.”  We actually do know that they may think they are less happy, but in the long run: Reasearch shows that eighth-graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on social media are 56 percent more likely to say they’re unhappy than those who devote less time to social media.

So, it bears repeating, let us help our children be happier and disconnect. They will thank us in the long-run. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders are knee- deep in their time management unit. Some students this week learned to effectively use their planners, while others learned the importance of prioritizing. 

Seventh Grade: Students began a new unit in Advisory called “Operation Respect” where they focus on the skills of empathy. They had a speaker from the homeless shelter in Hackensack to launch this unit which culminates in a visit to the shelter. 

Eighth Grade: Students focused on the importance of each person finding his/her own strengths in life. They also filled out their “extra-curricular” forms that highlight what they have done in and out of school. 

Parent-CHILD Conferences Next Week

            As we approach Parent Teacher Conferences next Sunday we know that the feedback we receive will be helpful to our children as we can then sit with them, go over the feedback and plan for the future. How can I first share the wonderful feedback so I can reinforce all the hard work and wonderful student skills my child is exhibiting? What areas can he/she work on? How can I as a parent help more?   And, then the action plan must be put into place. Maybe no cellphones until homework is done. Perhaps, having to sit down with a parent with parent locker to plan the evening. Or, needing to show the homework to a parent each night. Or doing homework at the dining room table so a parent can oversee it. Or, maybe even a homework helper coming to the house. 

            Years ago, Morah Nitza Harpaz, who was an Ivrit teacher at Yavneh, shared with me this poem about parent teacher conferences written in Hebrew. I include it for you here as I translated it  into English, but here is a link to the Hebrew version http://cafe.themarker.com/post/318712/ for those who would like to see it in the original. 

 While the honest conversation and planning session post- conferences is essential, often we leave conferences frustrated and ready to angrily ask our child why she is not doing what is asked of her?!?! How could she behave like that?!? What was she thinking?!?  This poem reminds us that while consequences often need to be put into place, our children always have to remember that we love them and are there for them no matter how they do in school.  Those words need to be said outright to our children before sharing any feedback and action plans with them.   I find that this poem is a good reminder of that for both parents and teachers. The message truly hits home, and I need not elaborate much further. (While the author writes from the viewpoint of a mother, clearly this poem is for all parents). 

To Be A Mother 

We sat, you and I 

On the small chairs at the entrance to your classroom

And we waited for our turn at the closed door

You hear fragments of murmurs from the teacher's conversation with the girl's parents before you

I reached out and picked you up in my embrace

Just like that, and suddenly I felt like it wasn't like it usually is

Something was different

You, my child, who always cuddle up in my embrace in a melting surrender, always in exactly the same place, your place between my arms,

 You didn't really hug

You didn't really give yourself up

Hi sweetie, I asked casually, is everything okay

And you said yes, but it didn't sound like it

And I gathered your face between my palms, and looked at you

Suddenly I saw that you were a little pale

What happened, I asked

Then I saw that your gaze is different too

That it doesn't have that spark

The happy spark you always have

 And you said you were a little worried

Hey  little boy, I hugged you, don't worry so much

 And you said you were afraid of what the teacher would say

It doesn't matter what she says, I told you

I know who you are

You are my magical boy

Then you asked if I remember last time

And I said yes, and I lowered my gaze

And you lowered your gaze too

And you asked me if I remember how I was angry with you

And I said I remember. And it tore my heart out

Because I remembered

 I remembered how we walked home, after that parent meeting

And how, after being angry with you, I didn't talk to you

And how the tears ran down your face

And how you did promise to try harder

And how I kept quiet

And you told me that because of that time, you worry

And I told you it would never happen again

I won't be mad at you like that ever again because of school

Never

And the girl in front of us came out, and we went in

And when we left the teacher you asked me if I was angry

And I told you I promised I wouldn't be angry

 And that I always keep promises

And you asked me if I was disappointed

And I said yes, but I told you not in you but in myself

And you asked what I mean

And I told you I was the one who failed

That if you're so scared of how I'll react

So I failed

And I hugged you tight, and told you I know exactly who you are

And I don't need any report card, and no teacher will tell me who you are

You are my magical boy

And you hugged me back

You hugged me like you always hug

 With warmth. With all your heart

 And the truth is, you're already big, boy, so you hugged so hard it was a little painful. But I didn't say anything

Because it hurt so much more to know that  I was wrong that time

That on that day, after that parent teacher conference

You needed me to be by your side, and I wasn't

 And I didn't hug you when you needed it so much

 And if someone has failed, it's not you. It's me

I failed at the most important thing in my life, being your mother

To have  your back, and being the one who believes in you

And the one who always remembers not just what a wonderful boy you are

 But also tell it to you

And this time, unlike that time

I stopped halfway home, and sat down on a stone fence

And I sat you by my side, and told you I was wrong

Listen, I told you, you are my first child

And I'm not really that experienced at being a mom

So I'm wrong sometimes. And I apologize

But I'm learning. And only one thing in the world is important to me, that you know my child, that I can't be disappointed with you

You are my magical boy, after all. And there is none like you in the whole world

And luckily you were buried deep in my embrace

And you didn't see how tears streamed down my face when you told me you loved me

And that's fine, and everyone's wrong sometimes

Five things about being a mom/parent

. To be a mother is to try to be right, and to know that sometimes you will be wrong

. To be a mother is to think that you will always know better, but to know that sometimes you will not understand anything

. Being a mother is worrying, but to know that sometimes you are suffocating

. Being a mother is sometimes nagging, and sometimes knowing to turn a blind eye

. But being a mother is mostly to love as they can never understand

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: 7th Grade mentors came into our Tuesday’s advisory to share practical strategies to succeed in middle school.  Students also began a Time Management unit.

Seventh Grade:  Students debriefed their Frost Valley trip and discussed what they learned. They particularly focused on what it was like to not have their phones. Boys then continued a unit on Foul Language and anger management and girls on the pain of not posting when you have a get-together where not everyone is invited. Both boys and girls did a “Quality Circle” where they discussed how we are treating each other here at Yavneh and what we can do to make it better.

Eighth Grade: Students learned interview skills. 

Genuine Parenting

            In parshiot of these weeks, we learn of Avraham- the father of all nations.  But, the midrash tells us the story of the relationship he had with his own father. Avraham breaks his fathers idols with a hammer and puts the hammer in the hand of the biggest idol.  When his father came in and asked who did this, Avraham responds, “Can’t you see? The hammer is in the hands of the largest idol. It must have been him.” Terach replies, “But an idol is mere of wood and stone.” Avraham replies, “Then, father, how can you worship them?”  Avraham immediately detected the illogical and even “fake” beliefs of his father. How can he follow the path of his father when he was so inconsistent? 

             While parents are the ultimate teachers, a similar genuineness is essential in a classroom teacher.  Rabbi Yaakov Neuburger shared in shul this past Shabbos that Hagar was in essence Sarah’s student and she lost all respect for Sarah as she saw her, mistakenly, as not genuine.  This is the kiss of death for a teacher- student relationship. 

Anyone who has ever worked with pre-teens or teens know that they smell a fake a mile away.  It is essential to be genuine.  The moment our behavior expresses, “Do as I say and not as I do” we have lost them.  The Gemara in Berachot 28a discusses the importance of being “tocho k’baro”-  one’s outside should be like his inside-  that what a person projects on the outside (the way he acts and seems) should be just like he feels and believes on the inside.  In fact, the Gemara continues, when Rabban Gamliel was the head of the Sanhedrin he proclaimed that any students whose inside was not like his outside could not enter the Beit Midrash to study.  

In a world where we are constantly seeing the term “fake news” - it is clear that being fake is all the rage, but not the way to gain respect. 

            Yes, as parents and teachers we need to be “tocho k’baro,”  but nowhere does it say we need to be perfect inside and out,  just that we need to be the same without pretending.  If we are imperfect inside, then we need to work on ourselves to improve and make it clear to our children that we are working on ourselves. It is good for them to see that their role models make mistakes and realize they are not perfect.   Just like them, we are working on ourselves.  

            As teens, our children are constantly struggling to not be themselves.  They are yearning to be like everyone else.  As the Kotzker Rebbe famously said, “ “If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you. But if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you!”   

            Rabbi Ari Hart aptly describes this teenage struggle  in his article “Authenticity in A Fake World”

And yet, I remember being 12 years old, struggling to navigate the typical middle school minefields: friends, fitting in, bullies. I came home to my Mom one day in tears with these problems, who proceeded to give me what I thought at the time was the single worst piece advice I’d ever received: “Just be yourself” Be myself? My self is the problem! I don’t say the right things, I don’t dress the right way, I get hurt when I want to be strong. If I could be someone else, that would solve all these problems!

Being ourselves is hard! Why? We want to be liked. We want affection. We need love. And we learn, from a pretty early age, we learn that certain ways of being in the world can get us that love and care, and other ways won’t. So we shift from being ourselves to being what we think others want us to be.

            University of Georgia professor, Michael Kernis, did a 2000 study on authenticity. He found that people who score high on authenticity ratings are more likely to have effective coping strategies, less self-destructive habits, and more satisfying relationships.  They also have greater self-worth, purpose, confidence, and belief in themselves that they can pursue and achieve goals. 

          Often teens do have a hard time being themselves because they do not see themselves as special. Our job as parents is to help them find that self-worth. This is especially important with children who struggle in school, as we do not want them to feel that school is the only place they can shine.  We encourage them to explore and support their passions while being careful not to introduce our own biases or opinions about their interests. We thereby don’t push our agendas on them. This includes recognizing when we have children who are introverts even though we would like them to be more involved socially. As parents, we often have to consider whether our anxiety about their social life only our anxiety and he/she is perfectly content?  

 Most importantly, we remind them that each one of us was created in the image of G-d with a piece of G-d within us- a neshama.  How much more special can we be? 

            The greatest lesson we can model for our children- as we portray it in the way we live our lives- is as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Student continued to brainstorm solutions to real-life sixth grade challenges and 7th grade mentors joined them for an advice session. 

Seventh Grade: Our boys are doing a unit on Foul Language, when our girls targeted assertive communication this week.

Eighth Grade: Students did a unit on test-taking skills and got overviews of the 8th grade entrance exams they were taking.