Unwrapping Gifts Every Single Day Of The Year

            Last Sunday I attended the Nefesh Conference for Jewish mental health professionals. I was privileged to be part of a panel on the interface between schools, school guidance, and private practitioners.  The best part was that my husband (who’s in the business as well!) moderated the panel.  He showed a short video in part of his presentation which struck me.  Dr. Ned Hallowell is a psychiatrist, founder of The Hallowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health in Sudbury, Mass., and New York City, and author of numerous books on ADHD including Driven to Distraction.  Most importantly, he himself was diagnosed with ADHD and clearly can relate to all the work he is doing first-hand.  I had the privilege of hearing him speak a number of years ago, and his dynamic presentations are unforgettable.  

            This short clip is called “Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell on ADHD: a Ferrari in Your Brain” while I like to call it “Unwrapping Gifts.”  In fact, Dr. Hallowell does offer a course on ADHD he calls “Unwrapping Gifts.”   Here is a link to the clip to view it yourself

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5D56Cg7y4I.

            Dr. Hallowell explains that when a child or adult is diagnosed with ADHD we need to begin with education.  He believes that ADHD is not a disability, but rather a gift to be unwrapped. He tells his patients, “I do not treat disabilities. I unwrap gifts.”   Hallowell explains that these children are born with “Ferrari” brains- such powerful engines.  But, they have bicycle bakes. All they need to do now is work on those brakes in order to unwrap the gift of their awesome, incredible and powerful brains.  They have amazing talents...gifts.  Hallowell stresses that the goal of treatment is to transform ADHD from a chronic liability to an asset in life.  He calls this a strength-based approach.  This engenders hope, a positive outlook and perhaps even excitement. 

            Once a child unwraps those gifts, distractibility becomes curiosity.  Impulsivity becomes creativity. Creativity,  Hallowell notes, relies on disinhibition. Hyperactivity becomes energy.  Hallowell says that in his 60s now, he is grateful for that energy!  We all know those incredibly successful adults who have that passion, enthusiasm, and creativity.  Many of them unwrapped those gifts.  The sad part is that they spent all those years as kids feeling unsuccessful or even “bad.” 

            Hallowell tells the story of David Neeleman who founded Jet Blue airlines who has ADHD. The day Jet Blue went public he made millions of dollars. Dr. Hallowell says that Neelemen called him that night, and said,“‘ Was I driving home to celebrate? No. I felt like the same loser who couldn’t hack it in high school,’   We need to stop the punishing negative energy that so often surrounds these kids and instead say, ‘Look!  You have amazing talents which may not always be measured in the classroom, but boy, will they be measured in life!” 

            ADHD is just one example. (While a challenge need not be a learning challenge, I did read an interesting article last year “The Gift of Dyslexia” also focusing on the positives of a challenge written by Rabbi Sheur Aisenstark https://mishpacha.com/the-gift-of-dyslexia/). I believe that all of our children (and we as well)  have gifts that we need to help them unwrap.  We thereby help them see the “cup half full” instead of “half empty.” This ability to change one’s perspective to notice the gift in a situation that may seem challenging is life-changing.  Life will have some challenging and difficult times. If only we can help our children see the good in all that is given to them and to find the positive energy in every situation.   In Advisory, in a  7th grade unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons: Coping With Adversity In Life,”  we teach the skills of upbeat thinking, positive self- talk, seeing life through rose-colored glasses, and avoiding negative thinking.  All these skills are needed to unwrap life’s gifts. 

            That is the message of Chanukah.  

מָסַרְתָּ גִּבּוֹרִים בְּיַד חַלָּשִׁים וְרַבִּים בְּיַד מְעַטִּים וּטְמֵאִים בְּיַד טְהוֹרִים וּרְשָׁעִים בְּיַד צַדִּיקִים וְזֵדִים בְּיַד עוֹסְקֵי תוֹרָתֶךָ

You delivered the mighty into the hands of the week, the many into the hands of the few, the impure into the hands of the pure, the wicked into the hands of the righteous, and the degenerates into the hands of those who cling to your Torah

The Jewish people could have easily given up and said, “There is no way we can defeat them. They are stronger. They are many.”  But, instead of focusing on their weaknesses, they focused on their gifts- that they were pure, they were righteous and they kept the Torah.  They had other strengths that the Greeks did not.  Only through unwrapping those gifts, instead of focusing on their challenges, did they succeed. 

But, what was the key to their ability to “unwrap those gifts” and stay hopeful? מָסַרְתָּ- You delivered.   They realized that Hashem was behind it all. He was the one that made them weaker and smaller.  He is also the one who made them pure, righteous and followers of Torah. He is the one who gave them the gifts to unwrap. It was belief in God that helped them unwrap those gifts.   I think that Emunah truly helps children focus on the good, and as believing Jews raising our children to feel that no matter what, Hashem loves us and will take care of us helps them find the gifts in their lives.   

On this Chanukah, while for only 8 days our children will unwrap many gifts, let us help them unwrap those more important gifts every single day of their lives.

Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade:  Focused on bar/bat mitzvah etiquette and behavior. 

Seventh Grade:  As part of their unit on empathy they highlighted the importance of not rushing to judgment. 

Eighth Grade: Leading up to Chanukah they focused on materialism and happiness. 

Humility Is The Antidote

I began my last week’s article on the topic of TikTok sharing that I was writing it was due to some feedback I had been receiving from parents and students. I begin this week’s column based on some discussions I have been having with students as well.  I feel that I write about this topic each year, and we discuss it in Advisory, and yet it is never enough.  Three groups of students came to me just this week to share how upset they were that classmates were posting photos of get-togethers to which they were not invited.  As I shared last year in “FOMO, Posting and Teen Loneliness” (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dFq5J_57f32SU50Cq3u2iPpEaH_KOTvI5I16oAD72Aw/edit?usp=sharing)  The impact of this constant posting of photos of events, sleepovers, parties, trips to the mall etc. has had a terrible impact on our teens and the constant feeling of being left out. As I had noted research has shown that the more people use social media the worse they feel minute to minute. 60% of teens say they worry their friends are having fun without them.  51% say they are anxious that they don’t know what their friends are doing. And, this anxiety comes from worry about their friends!   There is a most definite correlation between the amount of time spent on social media and anxiety and depression.  This constant social media posting leads to less satisfaction with their lives and loneliness.  

Amanda Lenhart in her 2015 Pew study of teens, technology, and friendships reveals a range of social media-induced stressors:
-Seeing people posting about events to which you haven’t been invited
-Feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about yourself
-Feeling pressure to get comments and likes on your posts
-Having someone post things about you that you cannot change or control

Mr. David recently forwarded the video below to me which I have already used in Advisory with the students. Interestingly enough, it was made by an Orthodox Jew for an Orthodox crowd.  “Instagram vs. Reality”  https://youtu.be/y9aUCWgMBa0.  The video depicts the friends at a party posting and someone else feeling left out. Then it shows  a girl desperate for attention claiming that her look was “effortless” when it clearly was not. This post in turn impacts on another girl who feels miserable and then consequently must find the right outfit claiming she “found the right outfit right away” when it took her some time. This desire to be seen as “perfect” impacts on adults as well as a mom posts her family time (which was not so perfect as she projects), and others do as well. Even when it comes to food, she needs to post her perfect creation, which of course makes her feel miserable when her skinny friend posts about her workouts.  The workout friend, in turn, sees a couple posting and feels alone.  And, of course, the couple is not having the blissful day together that they claim.  The video ends “Instagram vs. reality.  The struggle is real.  #Liveyourlife.” 

Live your life.  As Sherri Gordon writes in her article “How FOMO Impacts Teens And Young Adults” “The problem is that incessant worrying about what everyone else is doing only causes teens to miss out on their own lives even more. In fact, FOMO causes people to keep their attention focused outward instead of inward. This, in turn, may cause them to lose their sense of identity and to struggle with low self-esteem. But worse yet, when they are struggling with FOMO, that means they are so focused on what others on doing that they forget to live their own lives.”   And, as I quoted above, this video aptly expresses that our teens are feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about themselves and to get comments and likes on their posts. 

But, no matter how many times we share with the students how hurtful their posting and showing off can be to others, some are still doing it.  No matter how many times you have sat down with your children and stressed to them to consider how their posting may make others feel, they still post. 

This hurtful posting is clearly a “yetzer hara”-an urge that is hard to resist.  There is so much pulling them to do so that it is hard to overcome the urge.  The Gemara in Kiddushin 30b states, 

“ בני בראתי יצר הרע ובראתי לו תורה תבלין”

So too the Holy One, Blessed be He, said to Israel: My children, I created an evil inclination and I created Torah as its antidote.

What is the antidote that the Torah prescribes to combat the urge to show off what one has despite the impact on others? I believe it is the Torah’s focus on the importance of humility.   We need to stress the importance of humility more in our homes and schools.  Akiva Turner, in his review article in EC Psychology and Psychiatry,  “Walk Humbly with the Divine: The Meaning and Centrality of Jewish Modesty and Humility and their Potential Impacts on Mental Health, Leadership, and Success,” highlights the need for this humility in the digital age in which we live. “...the desire of individuals to self-disclose, boast, connect, display, be publicly intimate, and expose themselves is not new.”  Technology has simply made all of this easier and therefore more common.  “Inherent in these desires is an underlying devaluation of modesty and humility.”  Turner quotes a study that people in general in today’s society do not consider modesty and humility as being important for life satisfaction, despite that not being the case. 

Researchers have also noted that self- focus, the opposite of humility and modesty, increases the risk of depression, social anxiety, decreased subjective well-being, less psychological need satisfaction and even heart disease.  There is even a connection between humility and positive responses to trauma. 

Turner writes of the abundant research in management literature of positive impacts of humility in the workplace. People with higher levels of humility receive higher ratings by supervisees in likeability and competence, are more attentive to long- term objectives and are more skilled at avoiding poor decisions.  Successful leaders tend to be more humble, as they empower others.  Turner quotes Rabbi Simon Jacobson, “A true leader should not be judged by what he is not, ego arrogance and self- interest… This does not mean a leader is weak;  he derives great strength from his dedication  to a purpose greater than himself.” 

 Moshe, the greatest of all leaders was, (Bamidbar 12:3) was described,

 מְאֹ֑ד מִכֹּל֙ הָאָדָ֔ם אֲשֶׁ֖ר עַל־פְּנֵ֥י הָֽאֲדָמָֽה הָאִ֥ישׁ משֶׁ֖ה עָנָ֣יווְ   (
Now this man Moses was exceedingly humble, more so than any person on the face of the earth.

 The antidote is clear. As it says in Micha 6:8, 

חהִגִּ֥יד לְךָ֛ אָדָ֖ם מַה־טּ֑וֹב וּמָה־ה' דּוֹרֵ֣שׁ מִמְּךָ֗ כִּ֣י אִם־עֲשׂ֚וֹת מִשְׁפָּט֙ וְאַ֣הֲבַת חֶ֔סֶד וְהַצְנֵ֥עַ לֶ֖כֶת 

עִם־אֱלֹקיךָ:"

He has told you, O man, what is good, and what the Lord demands of you; but to do justice, to love loving-kindness, and to walk modestly with your God.

And, so, perhaps, it might be fun to post a photo of that get-together, but it certainly is not humble.  And, when you get that jacket that everyone wants, but no one else can afford, if you post a photo of yourself wearing it, it feels good in the moment, but it is not humble. And, as the above video depicts, when you post a photo in your perfect outfit, with your perfect family, on your perfect date or in your perfect exercise routine, it is surely not humble.  In this age of self-promotion, we need to stress humility as the antidote.  

Sarah Radcliffe writes in her article “Instilling Humility in  Children,”  “A humble person is not someone who thinks he’s nothing.  A humble person knows he’s something, but he recognizes God as the source of his greatness. Thinking one is something without recognizing God leads to arrogance.”  Radcliffe suggests to raise humble children we teach them:

1.  To take pleasure and not pride in their accomplishments
2. To respect others more which engenders humility
3. To know their place and to respect the experience and knowledge of others.  (She suggests teaching them to start a sentence with “Is it possible…?” turning arrogant and “me-centered” vocabulary to respectful speech).
4. To admit mistakes. 

And, of course, one of the best ways to teach all of this is by modeling it ourselves.

I am not going to stop reminding the children to stop posting photos that could conceivably hurt others.  I will continue to tell them to stop and think before they post, as will you.   But, I am thinking of trying this antidote of humility more often. I think we could all use a dose. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on some common manners that are expected in day to day life.

Seventh Grade: Students discuss how we often rush to judgment about others and how empathy can help change that practice. 

Eighth Grade:  Students viewed the trailer of the movie Screenager, which was viewed by many of their parents, and discussed how technology has changed their lives for good and bad. They discussed how much time they spend on their devices and whether they can really multitask when on a device.

Tick Tock on TikTok

Over the summer, a Yavneh parent and a counselor to mostly Yavneh students (coincidentally all in the same bunk),  approached me worried about a new app which had become the “obsession” (and I am not using the word lightly) of even the younger students- as young as 3rd/4th grade. I have been thinking about this app all year, and have even incorporated a discussion about it into Advisory. Many of you parents can probably guess- TikTok.  TikTok is a free social media app that allows you to create and share videos, often to music, and can be easily done from one’s phone.  Some of us might remember musical.ly which merged with TikTok in August 2018. TikTok is interactive and through it, you can connect with friends- with likes, comments, and duets.  TikTok can be a creative outlet for kids and even a fun way to get together with friends. 

While TikTok is rated ages 12+ Safer Kid rating rates the app 18+ and says “sexting risk” is high, “adult content” (photo or video) is high, “bullying risk” is high, “meet strangers risk” is high. (Common Sense Media recommends 16+) As Safer Kid continues: 

First of all, the app allows users to search for users (often pre-teen and early teen girls) nearby. You can watch them dance around in their bedrooms and then "follow them" and get notifications when they come online. We've seen an enormous amount of direct posts from young teens interested in and willing to exchange naked photos/videos as well as adults explicitly saying that they want to do the same and that "age doesn't matter." We've seen such adults following the accounts of young girls on Musical.ly. There have also been a lot of bullying incidents on this app. It's very easy to find adult content on the app, starting with profile photos of genitals. For these reasons, no child should use this app.

While Safer Kid clearly has taken a stance on this app, if a parent chooses to allow his/her child to have TikTok they need to set the privacy settings to limit how much information their children make public.  Online predators have been known to use the app to target children and send sexually explicit messages to kids.  Early in the year, TikTok settled for millions as federal regulators charged they violated children’s privacy laws.  Read this article from Common Sense Media https://amp.commonsense.org/blog/b6355546-ace0-453b-a04a-8a9c1c5eaa15 on how to set your child’s TikTok account private. (Note, these limits often frustrate kids as there is an enticement to become “famous” on TikTok as others have done- which can lead to riskier or more suggestive behaviors).  

Then there is the choice of songs kids are exposed to.  Many of the songs have sexual lyrics and swearing.  Children are watching suggestive videos, violence, and profanity.  When ABC News scrolled through TikTok’s content they found videos of teens talking about “buying condoms, lying to their parents, sex with teachers, alcohol, and drugs,” as noted in the article, “Young Kids Could Be Seeing Mature Content On TikTok,” by Becky Worley.  Parents are surprised to see videos of dangerous pranks, self-harm, R-rated language, and partial nudity.    TikTok does offer features to limit the time spent on the app and the content as well called restricted mode. Restricted mode, however, is not foolproof, according to Common Sense Media, and kids may still come across inappropriate content. Often creative spelling can bypass the filters as well. Parents should share an account with their children so they can more carefully monitor the use. 

            TikTok, as noted above, can also be used for bullying.  “What some people do is, they take a video they deem ‘cringeworthy,’ and they make fun of it in a duet or reaction.  People can also create a compilation of cringeworthy TikTok videos and post them on YouTube.”  Viewers can also post cruel comments.  

            Dr. David Pelcovitz writes that one negative ramification of the social media is “online disinhibition effect.” It breeds insensitivity and callousness. When one is alone in a room and doesn’t see the other person to whom he is speaking, he loses perspective. It also becomes easier to come across as lacking empathy. It’s not uncommon for people who are really decent, caring individuals to act insensitive and even cruel online. For example, a couple of girls may be discussing online the way another girl looked at a party. What would have been an isolated catty remark heard by one or two people could, via social media, reach the girls in an entire grade and even beyond. A one-on-one critical remark about someone’s appearance could literally become a public event. That remark is no longer “just” lashon hara (gossip); it is halbanas pnei chaveiro berabbim (humiliating someone in public).

When comments are posted on a screen with no moderators, social exclusiveness, biting remarks and cutting attitudes can predominate. There’s also no reflection time. Online, you write something, hit the send button and it’s there forever.

            Dr. Pelcovitz’s insight on “halbanat pnei chaveiro berabbim” does not only relate to TikTok, but to much of social media. We can never minimize the impact of being humiliated in public, and we must discuss that with our children. 

Most of our children are savvy enough to get around the privacy settings, and other protections we put into place.  Therefore, frank conversations with our children about our concerns are key. If our children are using TikTok, they must know what they should and should not be posting, what they should report immediately, and how to react to the postings of others- including cyberbullying. 

As I often tell the kids “I’m an old fogey” and to me, the word “tick tock” means the sound of a clock.  (They don’t even know how to tell time on a clock anymore!)  The phrase “tick tock” to me represents the passage of time that moves on without the ability to turn back.  How ironic!  The hours upon hours our children spend on TikTok as-“tick tock” time passes. We need to relay the message to them to keep track of that endless amount of time and that once they post there is no turning back. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  They finished a unit on time management and prioritizing and began a new unit on manners and appropriate behavior. 

Seventh Grade: Students began a unit on the skills of empathy. 

Eighth Graders; They considered what they are good at- their strengths and talents, and areas of interest.