Humility Is The Antidote

I began my last week’s article on the topic of TikTok sharing that I was writing it was due to some feedback I had been receiving from parents and students. I begin this week’s column based on some discussions I have been having with students as well.  I feel that I write about this topic each year, and we discuss it in Advisory, and yet it is never enough.  Three groups of students came to me just this week to share how upset they were that classmates were posting photos of get-togethers to which they were not invited.  As I shared last year in “FOMO, Posting and Teen Loneliness” (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dFq5J_57f32SU50Cq3u2iPpEaH_KOTvI5I16oAD72Aw/edit?usp=sharing)  The impact of this constant posting of photos of events, sleepovers, parties, trips to the mall etc. has had a terrible impact on our teens and the constant feeling of being left out. As I had noted research has shown that the more people use social media the worse they feel minute to minute. 60% of teens say they worry their friends are having fun without them.  51% say they are anxious that they don’t know what their friends are doing. And, this anxiety comes from worry about their friends!   There is a most definite correlation between the amount of time spent on social media and anxiety and depression.  This constant social media posting leads to less satisfaction with their lives and loneliness.  

Amanda Lenhart in her 2015 Pew study of teens, technology, and friendships reveals a range of social media-induced stressors:
-Seeing people posting about events to which you haven’t been invited
-Feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about yourself
-Feeling pressure to get comments and likes on your posts
-Having someone post things about you that you cannot change or control

Mr. David recently forwarded the video below to me which I have already used in Advisory with the students. Interestingly enough, it was made by an Orthodox Jew for an Orthodox crowd.  “Instagram vs. Reality”  https://youtu.be/y9aUCWgMBa0.  The video depicts the friends at a party posting and someone else feeling left out. Then it shows  a girl desperate for attention claiming that her look was “effortless” when it clearly was not. This post in turn impacts on another girl who feels miserable and then consequently must find the right outfit claiming she “found the right outfit right away” when it took her some time. This desire to be seen as “perfect” impacts on adults as well as a mom posts her family time (which was not so perfect as she projects), and others do as well. Even when it comes to food, she needs to post her perfect creation, which of course makes her feel miserable when her skinny friend posts about her workouts.  The workout friend, in turn, sees a couple posting and feels alone.  And, of course, the couple is not having the blissful day together that they claim.  The video ends “Instagram vs. reality.  The struggle is real.  #Liveyourlife.” 

Live your life.  As Sherri Gordon writes in her article “How FOMO Impacts Teens And Young Adults” “The problem is that incessant worrying about what everyone else is doing only causes teens to miss out on their own lives even more. In fact, FOMO causes people to keep their attention focused outward instead of inward. This, in turn, may cause them to lose their sense of identity and to struggle with low self-esteem. But worse yet, when they are struggling with FOMO, that means they are so focused on what others on doing that they forget to live their own lives.”   And, as I quoted above, this video aptly expresses that our teens are feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about themselves and to get comments and likes on their posts. 

But, no matter how many times we share with the students how hurtful their posting and showing off can be to others, some are still doing it.  No matter how many times you have sat down with your children and stressed to them to consider how their posting may make others feel, they still post. 

This hurtful posting is clearly a “yetzer hara”-an urge that is hard to resist.  There is so much pulling them to do so that it is hard to overcome the urge.  The Gemara in Kiddushin 30b states, 

“ בני בראתי יצר הרע ובראתי לו תורה תבלין”

So too the Holy One, Blessed be He, said to Israel: My children, I created an evil inclination and I created Torah as its antidote.

What is the antidote that the Torah prescribes to combat the urge to show off what one has despite the impact on others? I believe it is the Torah’s focus on the importance of humility.   We need to stress the importance of humility more in our homes and schools.  Akiva Turner, in his review article in EC Psychology and Psychiatry,  “Walk Humbly with the Divine: The Meaning and Centrality of Jewish Modesty and Humility and their Potential Impacts on Mental Health, Leadership, and Success,” highlights the need for this humility in the digital age in which we live. “...the desire of individuals to self-disclose, boast, connect, display, be publicly intimate, and expose themselves is not new.”  Technology has simply made all of this easier and therefore more common.  “Inherent in these desires is an underlying devaluation of modesty and humility.”  Turner quotes a study that people in general in today’s society do not consider modesty and humility as being important for life satisfaction, despite that not being the case. 

Researchers have also noted that self- focus, the opposite of humility and modesty, increases the risk of depression, social anxiety, decreased subjective well-being, less psychological need satisfaction and even heart disease.  There is even a connection between humility and positive responses to trauma. 

Turner writes of the abundant research in management literature of positive impacts of humility in the workplace. People with higher levels of humility receive higher ratings by supervisees in likeability and competence, are more attentive to long- term objectives and are more skilled at avoiding poor decisions.  Successful leaders tend to be more humble, as they empower others.  Turner quotes Rabbi Simon Jacobson, “A true leader should not be judged by what he is not, ego arrogance and self- interest… This does not mean a leader is weak;  he derives great strength from his dedication  to a purpose greater than himself.” 

 Moshe, the greatest of all leaders was, (Bamidbar 12:3) was described,

 מְאֹ֑ד מִכֹּל֙ הָאָדָ֔ם אֲשֶׁ֖ר עַל־פְּנֵ֥י הָֽאֲדָמָֽה הָאִ֥ישׁ משֶׁ֖ה עָנָ֣יווְ   (
Now this man Moses was exceedingly humble, more so than any person on the face of the earth.

 The antidote is clear. As it says in Micha 6:8, 

חהִגִּ֥יד לְךָ֛ אָדָ֖ם מַה־טּ֑וֹב וּמָה־ה' דּוֹרֵ֣שׁ מִמְּךָ֗ כִּ֣י אִם־עֲשׂ֚וֹת מִשְׁפָּט֙ וְאַ֣הֲבַת חֶ֔סֶד וְהַצְנֵ֥עַ לֶ֖כֶת 

עִם־אֱלֹקיךָ:"

He has told you, O man, what is good, and what the Lord demands of you; but to do justice, to love loving-kindness, and to walk modestly with your God.

And, so, perhaps, it might be fun to post a photo of that get-together, but it certainly is not humble.  And, when you get that jacket that everyone wants, but no one else can afford, if you post a photo of yourself wearing it, it feels good in the moment, but it is not humble. And, as the above video depicts, when you post a photo in your perfect outfit, with your perfect family, on your perfect date or in your perfect exercise routine, it is surely not humble.  In this age of self-promotion, we need to stress humility as the antidote.  

Sarah Radcliffe writes in her article “Instilling Humility in  Children,”  “A humble person is not someone who thinks he’s nothing.  A humble person knows he’s something, but he recognizes God as the source of his greatness. Thinking one is something without recognizing God leads to arrogance.”  Radcliffe suggests to raise humble children we teach them:

1.  To take pleasure and not pride in their accomplishments
2. To respect others more which engenders humility
3. To know their place and to respect the experience and knowledge of others.  (She suggests teaching them to start a sentence with “Is it possible…?” turning arrogant and “me-centered” vocabulary to respectful speech).
4. To admit mistakes. 

And, of course, one of the best ways to teach all of this is by modeling it ourselves.

I am not going to stop reminding the children to stop posting photos that could conceivably hurt others.  I will continue to tell them to stop and think before they post, as will you.   But, I am thinking of trying this antidote of humility more often. I think we could all use a dose. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on some common manners that are expected in day to day life.

Seventh Grade: Students discuss how we often rush to judgment about others and how empathy can help change that practice. 

Eighth Grade:  Students viewed the trailer of the movie Screenager, which was viewed by many of their parents, and discussed how technology has changed their lives for good and bad. They discussed how much time they spend on their devices and whether they can really multitask when on a device.