The Psychology Of Forgiveness

 

As you know, your children at Yavneh spend the days before a chag learning the halachot and themes that apply to that chag. The same holds true for Yom Kippur. I wanted to take some time this erev Yom Kippur to share what some of your children learned in their classes as I was invited to be a “guest speaker” in Rabbi Yehuda Segal’s Mishna/Gemara classes this week.  Rabbi Segal learned the laws of forgiveness with these students and asked if I could come in to share the psychological perspective on forgiveness,  and the steps to asking for forgiveness or accepting an apology. 

I began by telling the children that Rabbi Segal’s invitation allowed me to do “my favorite thing”- showing how Torah and psychology have so many parallels. More important than what I was going to present was that the children learned, (as I told them explicitly), that centuries before the field of psychology was even created Judaism, the Torah and our chachamim knew that forgiveness is essential and good for you.  And, while we do mitzvot to listen to Hashem, oftentimes mitzvot do have real positive personal benefits. 

In this case, there is an entire field of psychology called the psychology of forgiveness which demonstrates that those who either cannot ask for forgiveness or accept apologies often have suppressed anger, low self-esteem, and are at risk for depression and anxiety.  When we resist asking another for forgiveness we often carry the burden of that wrongdoing which impacts on our mental health. Likewise, often when we hold grudges and don’t accept apologies we ruminate about the wrong that was done to us and become bitter, resentful, angry and fearful. “Unforgiveness” causes significant stress and can even lead to cardiovascular difficulties.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, was linked to positive emotions of empathy and compassion (Worthington & Scherer, 2004).  Skills of reconciliation are essential for our mental and physical health. 

I first asked the students to consider a time they had to ask someone to forgive them and what made it so difficult to do.   Students identified the awkwardness of admitting one is wrong and the impact on the ego and one’s pride. Apologizing takes great courage. They discussed how often they do not feel they did anything wrong, while the other person is demanding an apology.  Often, they simply do not know what to say.  Regardless, taking personal responsibility for one’s actions is imperative. 

We then discussed the steps of forgiveness, as identified by psychologists in the field. Step #1- Empathy- consider how the other person feels and see the situation from the other person’s point of view.  At times that is best enabled by listening to the other person first.  “How would I feel if it happened to me?”  And, even in the case when you feel that an apology is not warranted, clearly the other person believes it is.  That is where the empathy is even more important. “I do not see it the way the other person does. But, for a moment, let me step into that person’s shoes and imagine feeling the way he/she does. Now I can apologize.”  We also discussed that in cases like that perhaps one would say “I am sorry that I made you feel….” It is really about how I made him/her feel, not what I did.  When asking for forgiveness that should be the focus.  Make the other person feel as if you care to understand him/her and you want to hear his/her point of view. 

When apologizing we need to avoid the “I am sorry but I didn’t do anything wrong.”  The students all identified sincerity as key to an effective apology. Once the receiver believes you are not sincere, it is meaningless.  We apologize even if the act was unintended. 

Two other ways we discussed that we can show the one to whom we are apologizing that we are sincere is by “making up for it”- an offer to make amends,  and change.  The students came up with wonderful examples of making amends.  For example, if your friend is upset because you tripped her in the hallway, she dropped all her books and then was late to class, you would make it up by staying to help pick up the books. Or, perhaps help her get the notes for the time she was out of class.  But, we did consider that there are times that we cannot make it up so neatly and we cannot rewind the clock to fix what we have done. That is where change comes in. 

When apologizing we need to make it clear that we have the intention to change. What will you do differently next time? And, not only to verbalize what you will do differently, but to actively demonstrate that by actually doing it.  “I apologize for not saving you a seat during lunch.”  The next day you actually save her a seat. 

We reviewed how to ask for forgiveness when it is so difficult for us to do so. Perhaps practice in front of a mirror? Write out the text before we apologize?  Consult with an adult for help figuring out what to say?  And, if we cannot bring ourselves to apologize in person, we can always facetime, text or even leave an old-fashioned note. Or perhaps make use of the help of a friend to be an "intermediary" as the Rabbi Segal taught them in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. (But, we need to be careful, as some friends mean well, but may exacerbate the situation).

What does happen if our apology is not accepted? First, it is critical to not take back one’s apology and bitterly say, “I didn’t mean it anyway!” or to react in anger and exacerbate the situation.  Calmly offering to them some time is more constructive.  Forgiveness is not necessarily instant. While the halacha does discuss the three times one must ask, we discussed how to go about that. Should one harass someone asking for forgiveness (i.e. constant texts until they respond?) If someone still refuses, perhaps involving an adult to mediate would be helpful- a parent, a teacher or even me!  And, hopefully if we can truly demonstrate real change, the forgiveness will come in time. 

Most importantly, to truly apologize one needs to realize that we all make mistakes and that no one is perfect.  We all have hurt others and wish we could rewind the clock. What really matters is what we do after we have hurt another. And, we need to remember that we need to forgive ourselves too and not be too self-critical.   

We then went over the psychology of accepting an apology. Believe it or not- it takes some training!  We first reviewed how difficult it is at times to accept an apology and why.  There are times that we feel we have been so terribly wronged and we cannot forgive. Or perhaps the person has perpetrated the same misdeed over and over despite having apologized many times before.  Overall, accepting apologies is not only good for the apologizer, but also good for us, as noted above, as it allows us to reconcile, move on, and leave the pain behind.  We also stressed that forgiving someone does not necessarily mean condoning what they did. 

Interestingly enough, the first step to accepting an apology is the same as asking for forgiveness- it is empathy. While we might be inclined to not accept what the apologizer says, we can imagine “How would I feel if I were in his/her place and I was asking for forgiveness and desperate for it to be accepted?”  The students understood that it is okay to accept an apology but still state directly how you were hurt.  It often takes a lot of courage to forgive. 

What happens if we accept the apology but the person does the misdeed to us again?  Often it is helpful to get that mediator involved again to ensure that the one being asked to accept the apology’s feelings are said explicitly.  One student suggested that there are times that we have friends who repeat transgressions against us because they have “problems” and at times we can be understanding. But, the goal is to get that person help by usually involving an adult, and to not ever accept someone hurting you over and over again. Additionally, forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. One might forgive someone and yet that relationship never goes back to what it used to be. 

Rabbi Segal then ended the class asking the children to do a homework assignment that they could keep private. They would make a plan for actively making amends with someone before Yom Kippur. What a wonderful way to practically implement that which they have learned! 

While we focused on asking for forgiveness and accepting apologies of others, psychologists have identified another area of forgiveness which impacts on a person’s mental health- self-forgiveness.

Danny Verbov, in his article “The FedEx Guide to Self- Forgiveness” writes that  “Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, and author of Forgive for Good. Luskin discovered that the biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness may be our tendency to wallow in our own guilt. ‘It's not just that we feel bad because we know we've done wrong,’ he explains. Everybody does that. But some of us actually draw those bad feelings around ourselves like a blanket, cover our heads and refuse to stop the wailing. Instead of taking responsibility for what we've done by trying to repair the damage or search for help, many of us unconsciously decide to punish ourselves by feeling miserable for the rest of our lives. Which gives us the tacit approval to continue to slip up… and so the cycle continues.”‘

Every night in the full Keriat Shema we say: 

I hereby forgive anyone who annoyed me or mocked me, or who sinned against me whether physically, financially, or hurt my honor or anything else of mine. Whether accidentally, willingly, unintentionally or intentionally; whether in speech or in action, in this life or any other. And no person should be punished because of what they did to me.

So, Verbov states that the nightly prayer we say in Shema does not only forgive others allowing us to move on, but it also should allow us to forgive ourselves for our sins/mistakes that we have repeated over and over.  Verbov changes the meaning of that nightly prayer:

I hereby forgive myself for getting annoyed or mocking myself for something I did today, or for sinning against myself whether abusing my body, finances or damaging my honor or anything else. Whether accidentally, willingly, unintentionally or intentionally; whether in speech or in action, in this life or any other. And I should not be punished because of what I did to myself or anyone else.

Not only do we need to forgive others this time of year, but we need to forgive ourselves as well. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the Success Guide created by last year’s sixth graders with secrets to success in middle school and identified some areas they want to work on this year. 

Seventh Grade:  Students highlighted how while they can make a change in the world, they first need to start with themselves. 

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed the skills needed for grit and resilience and  set S.M.A.R.T. goals. They set up an e-mail using Futureme that will arrive in their inbox at graduation day to see if they have actually achieved any of those goals.