As we have completed two weeks of school we have worked at supporting our children back into their routine. As I described last week, we focused on ensuring that the students had the opportunity to reflect on their return and assess how they were doing emotionally with the changes and the unknowns. So, while we focused on the emotional skills that our children need to weather these months, with Rosh HaShana approaching I consider the “spiritual skills” they will need as well.
“Spiritual skills,” you might ask? We know social/emotional skills, as that is what Advisory is for (and hopefully woven into their other classes as well). But, what are “spiritual skills” and how do we teach them? In Slovie Jungreis Wolf’s book called Raising A Child With Soul she focuses on how raising a child with spirituality is in essence good parenting. She writes,
“I have always been amazed at the amount of planning parents put into the minutest details of their babies’ lives. Months before the baby is even born, the baby nurse, nursery colors, the brand of stroller, and even the preschool have all been discussed. As the child grows, so, too, does the list. Swim, karate, ballet, art French, chess, and tennis lessons from the time they’re tots- all ingredients that spell overload for both parents and children. We strive to give our children the best we possibly can. We worry that they receive proper nutrition, cultural experiences, and an excellent education. What is most painful for me is the fact that rarely have I heard parents discussing their plan to develop their child’s soul.”
Wolf continues to stress the importance of building a mikdash me’at- a miniature sanctuary, where G-d dwells, in our homes. It is not about having a shul in one’s home. Rather, it is about “embracing holiness in our daily moments of living.” Children who do grow up in a home where G-d is constantly being acknowledged become spiritual. This awareness of G-d exists in good times and bad. During challenging times, this child sees all of life challenges through a spiritual eye.
Our children need these “spiritual skills” more than ever during these challenging times in which we are living. And, the primary spiritual skill they need right now are those of emunah and bitachon- faith in G-d. As adults, many of us have been able to access faith to carry us through this time. But how about our children? Have we done a good job strengthening that emunah so that when they are confronted by a challenge- whether physical (or medical), or psychological they are able to lower that fear as they KNOW that Hashem is their light and their salvation?
As we recite ( לְדָוִ֨ד ה' אוֹרִ֣י (תהילים כז each day in Elul this mizmor has taken on a new meaning in this COVID-19 time.
אלְדָוִ֨ד | ה' | אוֹרִ֣י וְ֖יִשְׁעִי מִמִּ֣י אִירָ֑א ה' מָע֥וֹז חַ֜יַּ֗י מִמִּ֥י אֶפְחָֽד:...גאִם־תַּֽחֲנֶ֬ה עָלַ֨י | מַֽחֲנֶה֘ לֹֽא־יִירָ֪א לִ֫בִּ֥י אִם־תָּק֣וּם עָ֖לַי מִלְחָמָ֑ה בְּ֜זֹ֗את אֲנִ֣י בוֹטֵֽחַ
1Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; from whom shall I be frightened? …3If a camp encamps against me, my heart shall not fear; if a war should rise up against me, in this I trust.
These words crystallize the power of emunah and bitachon to combat the fear, anxiety and uncertainty that we have faced these past months. We know the plethora of psychological research substantiating the impact of belief in G-d and religion on lowering anxiety. 79% of studies in a 2015 review by Duke University of 3,000 research studies investigating the relationship between religion and psychological well-being showed a link between religion and psychological well-being. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” Studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually get healthier more quickly, can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes, are more persistent, and are even happier. Higher levels of “religiosity” are overall associated with better mental health.
Raising a child with G-d in their daily lives, (Emunah), allows them to face life with strength and faith. Wolf tells a story: On Sunday morning, Mendy and I took a trip into Manhattan with our children. We decided to spend the day at Chelsea Piers… Once inside, the kids decided to attempt the rock- climbing wall. My then four- year-old son, Akiva, insisted on joining his older siblings as they began their ascent. I watched him harnessed in ropes, as his little figure grew smaller with each step. My heart beat a little quicker until he finally made it down. I ran over to him and hugged him hard. ‘Akiva, weren’t you scared?’ I asked. He looked at me for a second and then replied simply, ‘No, Mommy. Of course I wasn’t afraid. Why should I be? I was connected!” It dawned on me that this small child had just uncovered a significant truth. You can go through an array of life experiences, some quite difficult to bear; however, if you feel connected to a higher source, you never have to be afraid.”
As parents, how do we create this mikdash me’at? By helping our children to develop personal relationships with G-d and be cognizant of Him in every moment.
Emunah is a subject that needs more attention in our modern Orthodox community. Not only is it good for our children as Jews, but it is good for them emotionally as well. It changes one’s whole perspective on life. I often encourage parents of teens to learn the book Living Emunah For Teens by Rabbi David Ashear, (who has similar books for adults), with their children. Rabbi Ashear speaks about how small scenarios like getting a C on your Chumash test or an insult from a friend, if one recalls that G-d is running the show, and it is all part of His plan, then our worries diminish. “Imagine if throughout the day, you found messages from Hashem. When you faced a challenge, He would let you know that He sees what you’re going through and has the whole situation in hand. When something good happened, it came with a note attached that said, ‘This is something special just for you.’ There would be no greater source of courage, comfort and joy in our lives. We would have no worries. We would feel pampered and protected at all times, even in the midst of something that would otherwise be unpleasant.” If one lives like this, with emunah, one would always be positive. And, on the other hand, those who are bitter and are always complaining and worrying, they do not truly believe that G-d is taking care of them.
There is a famous story of the Kotzker Rebbe. He was walking by a small boy and asked him, “Little boy, where is G-d?” The boy replied, “That’s easy. He is everywhere.” The Kotzker Rebbe responded, “G-d is only where you allow Him to enter.” As parents, as with any value or skill we want our children to acquire, when we model bringing G-d into our daily lives, our children will mimic and internalize this behavior. And, when they learn Tanach or even learn science or history, we need to make a conscious effort to point out the hand of Hashem.
Rav Aharon Lichtenstein, ztl, in his shiur on Bitachon: Trust in G-d (Yeshivat Har Etzion Israel Koschitzky Virtual Beit Midrash) discusses two types of בטחון.
The first type is the optimistic בטחון where they are “saturated with faith and hopeful expectations for the future.” The מאמין believes that with Hashem he can win every “battle” and “everything will be alright.” This is the type of belief when things are optimistically hopeful and things are moving in the right direction.
The second approach to בטחון does not “attempt to scatter the clouds of misfortune, try to raise expectations, or strive to whitewash a dark future. It does not claim ‘it will work out for the best.’” Instead, it is the belief that even if things do not turn out the way I want and the outcome is negative, I will always remain connected to Hashem and rely on Him. This type of emunah may be similar to what those of us are going through right now while there is no cure for this pandemic in sight, but we still believe and know Hashem will be there for us.
As we raise our children as believers not only do we raise them to believe when they trust the end result will be good. They need to also believe when the result may be bad.
Rav Lichtenstein, ztl, maintains that we have done a good job in our communities and homes in raising our children to have the first type of בטחון which is hopeful but we “neglected to teach the values of loving trust, of cleaving to G-d without hesitation under all circumstances. We did not fortify our children or ourselves concerning the possibility of crises, conveying that the song to G-d must be sung even on the rivers of Babylon… We taught our students about the ‘human comedy’ but never about the ‘human tragedy.’” We need to do a better job in raising our children to trust in Hashem during tragic times.
We can all relate to this type of בטחון during this time of COVID-19 when things are uncertain, and things actually may not be better soon. We realize how essential it is to weathering these times. Sometimes we need to teach our children to say, “It will be difficult. No miracle may be waiting around the corner. But, Hashem is always with me and He will support me no matter how hard it gets.” And, our relationship with Hashem is like all relationships. There are times when we feel Him close by and times of distance. But, He is always there.
Sarah Radcliffe, in her article “Helping Children Develop Faith” stresses the importance of first allowing children to express their anxieties and to never shut them down by saying things like “Don’t worry- G-d always protects us.” Although that statement is true, statements like that “should not be offered until you have helped the child address his or her frightened feelings. Fear causes cortical inhibition (a diminished capacity to process and utilize cognitive information), so providing education while the child is in a frightened state is usually useless. Moreover, trying to do so may be perceived as uncaring, which can harm the parent- child relationship.”
Radcliffe speaks about the importance of accepting their fears and asking them to tell you about it, so that they feel you are there for them. We then need to offer strategies to help them relax and calm their fears. Once they are more relaxed, that is the time to offer statements about belief in G-d, tell stories about how G-d has helped you in the past, or even help them recognize the hand of G-d in their own lives. She says, “Always help your child turn off fight-or-flight chemistry before talking about Divine Providence!”
I particularly appreciate how Radcliffe takes mental health strategies and incorporates belief in them. She calls them “fear busters”:
There are numerous ways to help calm a child’s mind and body. Here is a small selection:
A child who worries is an expert at (negative) visualization. After the child has described his scary image of unfolding events, and you have accepted the worry with open arms, ask him to close his eyes and imagine everything working out just fine. Ask him to describe the positive events in his new “movie” to you. Ask him how the positive image makes him feel. Instruct him to repeat the exercise as often as possible and particularly when the scary story enters his mind.
Another use of this visualization skill is to imagine G‑d’s divine protection and assistance in various ways. For example, “see” G‑d’s messengers, His protective angels, surrounding the bed when drifting off to sleep.
Teach your child to use the breath to help calm the heart, which will then calm the brain, which, in turn, will release calming hormones to every cell of the body. There are numerous ways to breathe for this purpose, but a simple one is to breathe in normally and then breathe out slowly, thinking the number “one” on the out breath. To be effective in times of need, this breathing pattern needs to be practiced for one minute daily, forever. An ideal time for practice is at bedtime when falling asleep or in the morning just after awakening.
The most powerful way to help children accept the reality of G‑d’s kindness is through your positive modeling. When you sound like you believe it, your kids will too!
Right before we blow the shofar on Rosh HaShana we proclaim our trust and faith in Hashem that He hears us when things are tough and answers us, as we recite words from Tehillim 118:5:
“מִן־הַ֖מֵּצַֽר קָרָ֣אתִי קהּ עָ֜נָ֗נִי בַּמֶּרְחָ֣ב קהּ” From the straits I called God; God answered me with a vast expanse. “קוֹלִי שָׁמָֽעְתָּ אַל תַּעְלֵּם אָזְנְךָ לְרַוְחָתִי לְשַׁוְעָתִי” You have heard my voice; do not shut Your ear to my [prayer for] relief, to my cry. It reminds us that one goal of אלול and the ימים נוראים is to work on our אמונה and and בטחון and to relay that to our children. Not only will it help us create a connection with Hashem, but it will also provide us with the strength we need to stay strong during these uncertain times.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students had the opportunity to debrief how their middle school experience is going so far through discussing issues like:
What is the thing you are most enjoying about middle school so far?
Tell me one interesting thing you have learned.
What is the funniest thing that has happened to you this first week of school?
What would you say is the biggest difference so far between 5th and 6th grade?
What is one thing that you were worried about when you came to school that you now realize will be okay?
What are some questions that you still have about middle school?
Anything confusing you?
What do you need to make this experience better?
Seventh Grade: Only our 7th grade girls had Advisory last week. They began focusing on the theme of this year’s Advisory “Prepare yourself to change the world.”
Eighth Grade: Students focused on introduction to this year’s theme “Preparing for life after Yavneh” and got to know each other.
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