Social Media and Self-esteem

  As I sat down to write this week’s column I came across the weekly magazine that arrived on Shabbat, The Week.  The front cover had a photo of a young teenage girl curled into a ball with her head in her lap with the headline “An epidemic of anguish- Why depression and despair are soaring among teen girls.”  While I had a heavy load of work to do, I couldn’t help but sit and open to page 6 of the magazine. 

The article continued that a CDC report was released last week which surveyed more than 17,000 teens.  42% said they experienced consistent feelings of “sadness and hopelessness.”   (A significant rise from the last time they did this survey in 2011).  The numbers were worse with girls. While only 29% of boys reported feeling this way, over 57% of girls reported being in “persistent despair.” 

Why? What has changed? “The CDC offered no definitive answers, but consider what has happened over the past decade.  Instagram was released in late 2010. Snapchat in 2011. TikTok in 2016. Soon thereafter, 90 percent of teen girls reported using social media every day. These apps- which put a premium on selfies and videos- create more social comparison, social pressure, and negative peer interactions with teens measuring their self-worth or lack  of it- in likes and followers.”  (If one looks carefully at the magazine cover, there is a cellphone on the ground next to the girl).

Other contributing factors are, before social media teens hung out at least two hours a day with friends.  Now there is less in-person socializing, less sleep and children “are drowning in social comparisons.” 

Interestingly enough,  even before I read this article, this topic came up in my class with 7th grade girls this week. We were discussing issues that affect body image.  Social media is one such issue. We read an article together by Common Sense Media “How Girls Are Seeking (and Subverting) Approval Online.”

A Common Sense survey called Children, Teens, Media, and Body Image found that many teens who are active online fret about how they're perceived, and that girls are particularly vulnerable:

• 35 percent are worried about people tagging them in unattractive photos.

• 27 percent feel stressed about how they look in posted photos.

• 22 percent felt bad about themselves if their photos were ignored.

What can we as parents do to combat this impact? 

1. We need to speak with our teens about the photos they post. Are we posting just to see what everyone else thinks? Are we posing in a certain way to get approval? 

2. Discuss how do the comments of others or “likes” make them feel? 

3. Stress that they should post positive and encouraging comments to support their friends “for who they are and not what they look like.”

4. As we raise them, help them develop a healthy self- image and body image.  

5. View media critically with them.  Discuss when there are damaging images that they are seeing in the media. 

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg, in his article “Social Media and Mental Health” wrote in 2022, 

Experts say technology and social media are the culprit. Last year, researchers at Instagram itself published disturbing findings. “Thirty-two percent of teen girls said that when they felt bad about their bodies, Instagram made them feel worse…They often feel ‘addicted’ and know that what they’re seeing is bad for their mental health but feel unable to stop themselves.”

 

Facebook, which owns Instagram, also investigated the app’s effects on its users, and found, “We make body image issues worse for one in three teen girls. Teens who struggle with mental health say Instagram makes it worse.”

Rabbi Goldberg adds a #6 that we can do as parents:

Are we being thoughtful and intentional with who we and our children choose to be “influenced” by, about what, and how often?  

I imagine most of us parents didn’t need a front page headline in The Week to tell us something we didn’t already know.  Now what? 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students learned to apply the PACK system to their lockers.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed how to see the world with “rose colored glasses” and upbeat thinking. 

Eighth Grade: Students did a “quality circle” where they discussing “bullying” in sports and what is competition versus bullying and whether they are seeing any of these issues among their friends. 

Winning The Super Bowl- A President's Day Lesson About Failure

             As promised, my post- Super Bowl lesson column- which is actually a post- Super Bowl President’s Day lesson column. 

This lesson is gleaned from an article by Greg Stegeman called “Five Life Lessons to Take From Super Bowl LIV.”  That lesson is to never give up.  With 7:23 remaining in the game, the 49ers had a 20-10 lead. And, yet the Chiefs won. You can always still win, so never quit as the tide can always turn. In fact, When the Chiefs were down according to ESPN’s Gamecase the 49ers had a 95.4% chance of winning. But in truth, it doesn’t matter if everyone watching the game thought the Chiefs were done. “The Chiefs didn’t think they were done.”  Ignore what others think and persevere. 

This message is quite fitting as our 7th graders are now in the process of their unit in Advisory “When Life Gives You Lemons…Make Lemonade- Bouncing Back From Difficulties In Life.” 

In fact, one of the first activities we do with the students is present them with these real-life people who were tempted to give up. (And, it is only fitting that the first one is someone whose birthday we celebrate today- on President’s Day). 

Below you will read statements about real people. As you read each one, I want you to guess whether that person was a success (write “S” on the line) or failure (write “F”). Your teacher will then tell you the truth after you have completed this exercise.

____ Politician: Ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.

____ Cartoonist: All he wanted to do was to sketch cartoons. He applied with a Kansas City newspaper. The editor said, "It’s easy to see from these sketches that you have no talent." No studio would give him a job. He ended up doing publicity work for a church in an old, dilapidated garage.

____ Writer: His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.

____ Inventor: In the first year of marketing his new soft drink, he sold only 400 bottles.

____ Athlete: As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.

____ Politician: Flunked the sixth grade. As a sixteen-year-old in Paris, a teacher had written on his report card, "Shows a conspicuous lack of success." He wished to become a military leader, or a great statesman. As a student, he failed three times in his exams to enter the British Military Academy.

____ Athlete: He wasn’t able to speak until he was almost 4 years old and his teachers said: “He would never amount to much” He was was cut from a basketball team at the Emsley A. Laney High School. He was devastated from not being able to play, locked himself at home and cried for hours

The Answer Key:  

1. Would you have given up on politics if you had been defeated 7 times in your run for political office? I’m glad that Abraham Lincoln didn’t give up. He was defeated for legislature, defeated for speaker, defeated for nomination to Congress, defeated for Senate, defeated for nomination to Vice Presidency, defeated again for Senate. Yet he hung in there and succeeded in becoming the 16th, and one of the most respected, presidents of the United States.

2. And what about the cartoonist whom no one would hire? The one who was told that he had no talent? The old garage he worked in was in such bad shape that it had mice. One day, he sketched one of those mice. Any guesses as to the name of that mouse? The mouse one day became famous as "Mickey Mouse." The artist, of course, was Walt Disney.

3. The writer whose children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers? Take a wild guess…. Dr. Seuss. By the way, the 24th publisher sold six million copies.

4. The soft drink that sold only 400 bottles its first year? Coca Cola.

5. The baseball player who held the strike-out record? He also held, for many years, the home run record. His name is Babe Ruth.

6. The student who showed a "conspicuous lack of success" on his report card? Who failed three times to enter the British Military Academy? Many of us would have given up after one rejection. But Winston Churchill stubbornly refused to accept defeat and became one of the greatest men of the 20th Century. Though he was rejected many times by the voters of Great Britain, he finally became the Prime Minister, standing between Hitler and the free world.

7. The athlete who was cut from the Varsity team his sophomore year? Angry and embarrassed, he began to get up early each morning to practice with the Junior Varsity coach. Eventually he not only made the Varsity team, but became the most popular athlete in the world: Michael Jordan.

We then discuss, what made all these people continue despite failure? Why do some other people quit the moment they face tough times? It’s the difference between an egg and a super ball. The teacher then takes the ball and bounces it into a container. Notice that the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. Then he/she takes a raw egg and throws it into the bucket. With an egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters.

There are two types of people in life- Raw egg people- who shatter when faced with an obstacle. Then there are super ball people- when they face an obstacle they bounce back. The people above were super ball people. With every failure they bounced back.

What is their secret? Resiliency. We then show them a football related video of a player named Jim Marshall- a story I found in the book Mindset  by Dr. Carol Dweck. Jim  Marshall, former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings, relates what could easily have made him into a failure. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television.  It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.” The lesson learned: 

After a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

(We also show the students another football related video- about resiliency. It’s a number of years old but still timely).   

Shlomo HaMelech wrote in Mishlei כִּ֤י שֶׁ֨בַע ׀ יִפּ֣וֹל צַדִּ֣יק וָקָ֑ם וּ֝רְשָׁעִ֗ים יִכָּשְׁל֥וּ בְרָעָֽה׃

Seven times the righteous man falls and gets up,

While the wicked are tripped by one misfortune.

Pachad Yitzchak, in his Iggerot U’Ketavim #128 notes that the meaning of this pasuk is not that even though the tzaddik falls he rises. Rather, it is “Because a tzaddik falls seven times, he will rise.”  

Rabbi Benjamin Blech, in the article “The Blessing of Failure, 7  Steps to Building Spiritual Resistance” notes that in Judaism a great scholar is called a תלמיד חכם - not simply a  חכם, but a “student of wisdom.”  A  תלמיד חכם is someone who learns from his/her experiences.  

Failures are in actuality the key to our success.  “If your failure inspires you to surpass yourself and do it better next time, if you understand that failure never fully defines you but is meant to motivate you to greatness—then you are an alumnus of the best school in the world, and your failure was the tuition you paid for your eventual success.”

As I have quoted before in my column, Dr. Wendy Mogel in her book,  The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, she stresses the importance of allowing our children to struggle and fail.  If we overprotect them from feeling pain, they are also protected from growth.  If they are insulated they are incapable of dealing with any adversity and become “teacups” that “chip like a teacup” when confronting difficulty.  

In that same column I quoted the speech that Supreme Court Justice John Roberts gave at his son’s middle school graduation years ago.  (Interestingly, he also quotes the importance of failing in sports!) 

“From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either.

And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”

Emuna Braverman, commenting on his words noted  “And that what he wants to communicate to these young kids, as they approach the rough passage of adolescence, is to embrace their challenges as opportunities for growth. Don’t shy away from them or feel oppressed or burdened. They are the true gifts from a loving Father just as his words are a gift to his son.”

And, so the message of the Super Bowl as demonstrated by the Chiefs is to never give up. Jim Marshall and the Giants also demonstrated that in football resiliency is needed for success on the field. And, today on Presidents Day we recall how Abraham Lincoln was defeated for legislature, defeated for speaker, defeated for nomination to Congress, defeated for Senate, defeated for nomination to Vice Presidency, defeated again for Senate. Yet, he hung in there and succeeded in becoming the 16th, and one of the most respected, Presidents of the United States. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students applied the PACK system to organizing their lockers.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about resiliency and how to apply it to their lives.

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed honesty and trust.

Prayer and Football

  For those who have read my column for years you know that I typically write a column the Sunday after the Super Bowl with a lesson one can learn from the game.  While I still anticipate doing so in the coming week, (assuming a lesson does seem to appear), I came across a football lesson in an article I read over the weekend in a Jewish magazine, and thought I would take the opportunity to write about it in the hours leading up to the Super Bowl.  

Most of us probably heard that on January 2 Buffalo Bills player Damar Hamlin collapsed and went into cardiac arrest on the field. He is recovering after CPR on the field and time in the hospital.  While there was much buzz about his collapse, at the time there was also much discussion in the media about the reaction of the team and the crowd. “How Damar Hamlin Drove a Nation To Pray-When the Buffalo Bills safety fell, there was, for many, only one rational response” wrote the Wall Street Journal.   Article after article commented on how not only those present gathered to pray, but likewise did fans at home. 

Rabbi Emanuel Feldman in his article “Sadness and Gladness”  commented on the players falling to their knees to pray during the game.  It demonstrated the “universal human impulse to reach out to a Higher Power. The human soul requires regular contact with the Creator, just as human lungs require air… the soul is often suppressed and neglected until moments of deep distress, we discover that we are vulnerable and powerless.” 

Rabbi Feldman continues to write that as Jews, while we clearly turn to God in times of trouble, God wants us to have a daily relationship with Him and not only reach out when we need something.  The word prayer  is from the Latin word “to ask for, to entreat.”  That is not all of what Tefilla means to us. 

For us, Tefilla is a relationship with Hashem. Mrs. Elana Moskowitz, in her article “Invite Him In”  notes that one way to form this relationship with God is by inviting him into your “mundane, trivial spaces in life.”  Whether washing dishes, at a traffic light, or dealing with a difficult work situation, Moskowitz encourages us to invite Him in.  

My own children often laugh at me when I exclaim, “Hashem help me!” when something annoying happens.  I thereby demonstrate, with my frustrating exclamation, that God is not remote, but He is a part of every moment in my life. 

Moskowitz’s article was part of a series on how to make Tefillah meaningful when one is having a hard time connecting to Tefillah.  Another author, Erin Stiebel, in the article “Celebrate the Little Wins” also gives some mundane examples of when she reaches out to Hashem. “Hashem, please don’t let my child dump that container of cereal…Hashem, please don’t let me lose my sanity picking up 8,000 Cheerios off my floor…”  She has endless conversations with Hashem all day long.  And, that is why she is not surprised when she hears her little boy saying, “Hashem, please help me beat my brother at knock hockey” or “Thank you, Hashem, for helping me find my favorite socks.”   Where did he learn this constant connection to God? From his mother who similarly demonstrates her reaching out to Hashem.

In my almost 30 years of Jewish education I have spent many hours davening with students and even teaching Tefillah classes.  Some of the children are totally unconnected and some look as if they are speaking to Hashem when they daven.  What is their secret?   I believe that the relationship is the secret.  We need to raise our children and model for them that relationship. We do not only turn to Hashem when we have to daven in shul on Shabbos or when there is, God forbid, an illness or a tragedy.  We turn to Hashem constantly.   I bet you didn’t expect that to be a lesson from a football game!  

Advisory Update;

Sixth Grade:  Students worked on organizing their bookbags and learning how to ascertain what to keep and what to throw out using the P.A.C.K. method

Seventh Grade: Students focused on skills needed for resilience

Eighth Grade:  Students continued their unit on cheating and honesty. 

Chesed Begins At "Home"

  I am so proud of Yavneh Academy’s focus on chesed. One particular source of this nachat is our Chesed Team with over 150 members!   Just this week I got two emails from students asking if it was too late to join.  (It is never too late to join the Chesed Team!). And, with pride this past week I read to the 7th graders a thank you note from the Hackensack homeless shelter for the beautiful presentation they performed and the donations of hats, gloves and scarves they organized.   And, not to be outdone, I read the beautiful thank you note I received from the organization Water for South Sudan  to the sixth graders. After reading the book A Long Walk to Water the sixth graders came up with the idea to raise money for water in the Sudan and single-handedly designed a fund-raising plan.  In addition to the mitzvot being fulfilled by the children when they engage with these activities it also has a positive impact on their self-esteem, and reminds them of what is important in life- focusing on others. 

As I spend much of my week planning these activities with the students, I cannot help but think that it is the daily  “chesed” that we put into place in our homes, classrooms, lunchrooms and recess that is just as important as these chesed projects. It is easy and more glamorous to join friends in a chesed project to help those who are obviously in need.  The more difficult job is to show kindness on a daily basis to the child who feels left out during recess, or has no one to work with on a project, or has no invites on Shabbat.  It is harder to show kindness to a substitute teacher who is trying to get the class quiet or the coordinator of the lunchroom who is attempting to get everyone’s attention for benching.  It is more challenging to show chesed at home by cleaning up without being asked, or clearing the table after dinner.  Ironically, we can have children who attend chesed team events, but who struggle in showing chesed to others in their daily lives. 

This past Thursday was my father’s, Rabbi Steven Dworken, HaRav Yisrael Mordechai ben Avraham Dovid,  z”l, 20th yahrzeit. With each year I miss his presence in my life even more. This year we reached out to his rabbinic colleagues to send in Divrei Torah for happy life cycle events which we compiled into a book.  We felt that this was quite fitting as a rabbi he spent many of his days at smachot of his congregants.  But, he did not just attend or officiate at both their smachot and their sad occasions.   As we noted in the dedication of the book:

As children we would often see our father z”l leaving the house on a Sunday with his “Madrich” (his RCA rabbinic handbook) in his hand on the way to join a family at their life cycle event.  Whether a funeral or a wedding our father was not simply going to the event or even to officiate at the event, he was going to join the event with the family. As  Moshe is described  in Shemot 2:11

 וַיֵּצֵ֣א אֶל־אֶחָ֔יו וַיַּ֖רְא בְּסִבְלֹתָ֑ם 

(Moshe) went out to his brothers and looked in their burdens

What does it mean that וַיַּ֖רְא בְּסִבְלֹתָ֑ם he looked in their burdens? Rashi famously answers, based on Shemot Rabbah 1:27

נתן עיניו ולבו להיות מיצר עליהם

He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them.

When Moshe went out to his brother and saw their enslavement and suffering, he did not only sympathize with them, he empathized with them. He actually felt their pain in his own heart.  

As we publish these Divrei Torah  to be used at  Smachot in our father’s memory, we memorialize that when our father was וַיֵּצֵ֣א אֶל־אֶחָ֔יו- he left the house to join his congregants at a simcha - he saw every one of them as his brother.  Then נתן עיניו- he would look, focus  and listen, and  have his congregants confide in him so that he could truly understand what they were going through.   And, then,   וַיַּ֖רְא בְּ - he was able to see clearly what they were going through and actively felt their emotions in his own heart. We would often tease our father that he cried at every wedding, every funeral, every bris, and every bar mitzvah as if they were his own family. 

I believe that is the reason why so many of his colleagues and friends noted that everyone felt as if he was our father’s “best friend.” He had that quality of truly joining with you and caring about you in his heart, (as he said “heart” in his Boston accent).  What was unique about him was that he made great Jewish leaders and Roshei Yeshiva feel that way when he spoke with them, and also teenagers in his shul, as those who contributed to this divrei Torah book attested.  His being involved in a leadership role in the rabbinate did not stop him from caring about each individual.  

And, this connection he made with others was not reserved only for those outside our family.  He practiced the same genuine empathy and care in our own home as well.  From making lunches in the morning  or even running errands for us after we married, our father was as devoted to his family as he was to the Klal. We knew we could always count on him.  His ability to spend endless hours on his communal role and yet spend an equal amount of time if not more time on his familial role was remarkable. He was a model for not only doing chesed for others, but also doing chesed at home as well.  

That is my hope for our students here at Yavneh. That not only should they become experts at chesed for the klal, but more so experts at chesed “at home”- with their classmates, teachers and family members. 

I read an article this weekend called “Can I Polish Your Crown” by Zipora Schuck. She shared that  we are all familiar with the questions that the gemara says will be asked of a person after 120 when he goes up to Shamayim.  “Were you honest in business?”  “Did you set aside a time for learning Torah?”  etc.  But, one not so well-known question, as noted in the book Reishit Chochma, was stated by R’ Yosi who added “המלכת את חברך בנחת רוח” ?  “Did you crown your friend with pleasure (ease of spirit)”?  When we interact with others do we make them feel like kings and raise them up with honor and respect?  Do we compliment others, genuinely listen to them, thinking about their needs before our own, and include those who are feeling sad or left out?  Do we consider whether the way we are about to act might cause pleasure or pain to another?  

This too is chesed. Yes, we do not often think about the chesed we need to implement in our day to day personal interactions.  As the famous saying states “Charity begins at home,” we need to teach our children “chesed begins at home.”  Home is our school, our shul, our camp and of course our families. 

As we celebrate Tu Bishevat this evening may we recall, as it says in Devarim 20:19:

כִּ֤י הָֽאָדָם֙ עֵ֣ץ הַשָּׂדֶ֔ה-  while this phrase is a question in it's original pasuk, many commentaries see it as a statement "Man is like the tree of the field."  Just as a tree needs tending and caring to grow, so too do the people in our lives- through kindness and care. This Tu'Bishvat let us focus on not only the actual trees in our environment, but the people in our daily environment. Are we treating them with care? 

We are having our next official Chesed Team event on February 14th as we prepare for Sharsheret Pink Day on the 15th- a day full of chesed for others. On that day our entire middle school will be engaged in a Hoopathon for Sharsheret.  I am so proud!  But, as I write this article, an idea came to mind. Perhaps at the end of these activities I will ask the students, “Now that we have had the privilege of doing chesed for others, and we are inspired, let us take that spirit and each of us pick one chesed we will do for someone in our homes or school with whom we interact in our daily lives.” After all, chesed begins at home. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students watched real-life scenarios of sixth grade challenges acted by our teachers and discussed how they have been meeting these challenges this year.  They alo set goals for 2nd semester.

Seventh Grade: Students began a new unit called “When Life Gives You Lemons Make Lemonade- Facing Adversity in Life.”  After Rabbi Yitzy Haber shared his life story of facing difficulty with resilience, students discussed why some people are able to be resilient, while others are unable. 

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed cheating in school and some of the pressures students face.