Raising Givers and Not Takers

         As I busily ran around the cafeteria last Monday night with the parents who came to help with the Chesed Team event,  (Thank you!), I took a moment to sit back and watch. I watched the smiles, the eagerness and the enthusiasm. I particularly noticed the smiles on the children who I know are struggling- with a social difficulty, a family situation, or overwhelmed by school, with huge smiles on their faces!  And, I remembered why I started the Chesed Team. People often ask me- “What does chesed have to do with being the guidance counselor in a school?! That’s your job?! Don’t you have enough to do?! ”  And, I answer, the chesed team has three primary benefits, which perfectly fit in with my role. It provides an opportunity for: 

1. Me to get to know the students better in a relaxed atmosphere.

2. Students who could use a place to shine to feel as if they are making a difference or even playing a leadership role. There are no tryouts for this team!

3. Doing good for others which makes you feel good!  (Remember those smiles?) And, helping kids feel good is my primary job.  (And, we know from the research that giving makes us feel happier than receiving a gift ourselves.  Giving is good for our health. It promotes social connection). 

Even in the workforce, research indicates that giving in the business world creates positive energy and increases productivity and creativity. Organizational psychologist and best selling author Adam Grant wrote a book called Give and Take where he discusses different reciprocity styles- the way we approach interactions with others. He says there are three reciprocity styles- givers, takers and matchers.  

Takers are focused on self and always put their interests ahead of the needs of others.  Matchers like to maintain an equal balance of giving and taking.  Givers are “others focused” and provide for others with “no strings attached.” Research shows that givers are both the worst performers at work (as they sacrifice their own success for the success of others) AND the BEST performers at work. (Takers and matchers are in the middle).  Why are givers the best performers?  Because “everyone loves, trusts and supports givers since they add value to others and enrich the success of the people around them.” Their giving leads to quality relationships which leads to not only success at work, but they are also happier people.

 (What is the difference between the givers on the top and the givers on the bottom? The givers who are most successful are constantly giving but in a targeted manner which is not taking over their lives. Some examples: successful givers do targeted favors that are limited in time, ask for help- which boosts the self-esteem of the other, allocate only a part of their day to giving, and do favors for others). 

So, now we know. To be happy and successful in life we want to raise children who are givers!!  How?   Well, one way is by having them join the Chesed Team :)! 

As parents we can also help our children become givers by giving them chores to do-without any pay!  Setting the table, helping a younger sibling, loading the dishwasher- ensures that they are givers. And, so, even though I may do a better job at one of these chores,  (they don’t really fold those sheets the right way!), I need to take a step back and provide each child with work to do. Children thereby learn, inculcated in their genes from early on, that they need to give. 

But, what if that isn’t the way your house has been running until now? Sarah Radcliffe, in her article “For the Love of Giving” writes “Fortunately, there’s an easy way for parents to begin to change the rules of the game. All Mom has to do is call for some help when she’s in the kitchen dishing out the platters (or setting the table, or bringing in the groceries etc.). If no one shows up, then Mom should take her seat at the table and chat along with everyone else.  If someone wonders out loud about the meal (“Are we eating soon?”) Mom should say, “Oh I was just waiting for you guys to help me prepare the platters. Are you ready now?” She adds that the children will not be resentful. Human beings by nature like to help. And,  of course, always follow with generous praise.

Another way we as parents can ensure this “giver” quality is by asking our children to share. There needs to be a balance between a child getting what he/she deserves and allowing another to have what he/she wants out of generosity. That is where teaching our children to share, even when they got the item first, is important.  This applies to teenagers as well. 

In Hebrew we call  this the ability to be מְוַתֵר- the ability to give up or give in on something despite your feeling that it should be yours or you are in the right. Yes, you might believe it is your turn in the game, but every once in a while, just allow the other to go instead.  It does not mean being someone that everyone walks all over,  but it does mean the ability to stop and say, “I can let someone else have the honor or the privilege or the item instead of me.”  

This past week we commemorated the yahrzeit of Rachel Imeinu the “מְוַתֶרֶת” par excellence. Her father Lavan switched Leah and herself at her marriage to Yaakov and she gave up her place for Leah so she would not be embarrassed. It is for that reason, says the Midrash Rabba Eicha Petichta 24, that when the Jews were exiled to Bavel, all the forefathers along with Moshe came each individually before G-d to plead on Bnai Yisrael’s behalf. Hashem did not listen to any of them. Only to Rachel, who said,

"Master of the universe, You know that Jacob loved me most and worked for my father for seven years in order to wed me. And when the time of my marriage came, my father switched my sister for me and I didn't begrudge my sister and I didn't let her be shamed. If I, who am only human, was not willing to humiliate my sister to get what I wanted, how could You – the eternal, living, compassionate God – envy idol-worship which has no true existence and cause my children to be exiled?!"

Immediately, God's mercy was awakened and He said: "For you, Rachel, I will bring Israel back to its place, as it is said: '...Do not cry and let your eyes not tear, for there is reward for your actions ... and there is hope for your end, and your children will return to their borders.' " 

This ותרנות- the ability to give up on something, leads to generosity.  We want our children to grow into adults who notice and respond to the needs of others (while at the same time recognizing their own needs). Can my child assert herself, while at the same time noticing the needs of others?  Can he delay gratification so someone else can get what he needs? 

 In the article “Teaching Kids To Share”  psychologist Nancy Eisenberg is quoted as asserting that the way to help children become more generous is by providing them with opportunities  “having the experience of giving to others and learning how good it feels.” But she warns that children should not be forced to give up an item to another child which just builds resentment. The key is teaching children that when they want an item that another child has, they need to ask for a turn and wait patiently.  But, the aura in this home we do offer a turn to others as well. 

Amy Joyce, in her article “Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist shares ways to raise them to be kind” quotes the research of Dr. Richard Weissbord. First, 80% of the youth in the study said that their parents were more concerned with their achievement or their happiness than whether they care for others. They agreed with the statement “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” 

Weissbord asserts, 

1. Instead of telling our children that the most important thing for us is that they be happy, we need to tell them that the most important thing for us is the way they treat others with kindness.  When at parent-teacher conferences, ask the teachers how they are doing in terms of how they treat others! 

2. Give them opportunities to practice giving to others. Just like you practice an instrument daily you need to practice doing something for others.  (And, he adds- don’t always reward your child for that behavior. It should be expected!) 

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern- it isn’t only about their friends and their family. How about the bus driver? A boy in their class who is not their friend? Or even situations outside our neighborhood or country.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor- we model doing kindness. We also allow them to hear our considerations as we “think out loud” about how we want to act towards another.

This afternoon I ran out to get a book from the library written by Adam Grant (same as above) and his wife Allison Sweet Grant. It is a children’s picture book. The Grants described how they wrote this book in reaction to Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree which they excitedly bought for their first child, and then realized it felt wrong to them.  (In their words)

If you ask parents to think of a children’s book about generosity, “The Giving Tree” is usually the first — and often the only — one they can name. But here’s the thing: It’s not really about generosity. It’s a book about self-sacrifice — and those are two very different things.

To some readers, the tree’s act of sacrifice seems noble, like the unconditional love a parent gives to a child. But if you assume the story is about generosity, it’s easy to learn the wrong lessons: that it’s O.K. for a child to take selfishly, and that adults should give until it hurts — and keep giving until they literally have nothing left to offer. That’s a recipe for trouble. 

Self-sacrifice is not sustainable, and it isn’t healthy either. Research shows that people who care about others and neglect themselves are more likely to become anxious and depressed. They’re also less effective: When teachers give up their nights and weekends to help individual students, their classes do significantly worse on standardized tests. Similarly, selfless students see their grades falter — they’re so busy solving their friends’ problems that they skip their own classes and fail to study for their own exams. Self-sacrifice is a risk factor for burnout and declining productivity. For example, selflessness predicts emotional exhaustion among nurses and low productivity among engineers.

They go on to note that in a healthy family, giving goes both ways and the boy in The Giving Tree is purely selfish. In this era of immediate gratification and “filtered selfies” this boy is not a role model for our children. 

So they wrote the book The Gift Inside the Box. The inside cover says “This gift is in search of a giver. Could that someone be you?”  A mysterious gift box finds himself in search of someone to open him, but nobody seems to be the right one. After disheartening interactions with grabby kids, selfish siblings, and other single-minded would-be recipients, the box wonders if he’ll ever find someone deserving of him. Could that someone be the very person who’s reading the book itself?  While every child who sees this mysterious box wonders if it is the item they wished for proclaiming “Mine!” One girl says to the mysterious box, “Oh! I bet there’s something wonderful in here.  I’ve been looking for the perfect gift for someone special. I would love to give you to…” And, the book ends by asking the reader, “Who would you give this box to?” 

I once read that the best way to raise a child on a certain path is to be a gardener, not a carpenter.  Carpenters- carve the wood into a particular shape. A gardener, helps things grow on their own by creating a fertile environment for growth. Here at Yavneh and at home, we will work at fostering a soil that is the perfect environment for givers and giving to grow. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began looking at their backpacks and utilized the PACK strategies. 

Seventh Grade:  Student talked about empathetic communication and not judging a book by its cover. 

Eighth Grade: Students began learning interview skills. 

לְמַה? Teens And Growth-Promoting Emotions

         When I started working with adolescents in schools  28 years ago I was surprised that many books for teens, and at times books read in school, were mostly not “upbeat.” (A shout- out to our fabulous English teachers here at Yavneh under the leadership of Mrs. Rubin who carefully assess every book before introducing them to the students! And, of course, if a particular book covers an area that is particularly sensitive to a child due to family circumstances, they are always the first to consult with the family and me before having the child read the book). As an individual,  I always prefer reading books that take me to “never never land” and are positive. And, I prefer to watch comedies and shy away from movies with tragedy.   But, it seems that the average teen enjoys reading (or watching movies) that present life’s struggles.  Barbara Feinberg, in the Time Magazine Learning Network, calls those books “problem novels.” 

Jillie Eisenberg in her Open Book Blog says that as an English teacher of middle and high school students she purposefully chooses such books. When teens read in their free time they generally choose books that “make them laugh.” (Although we all know that dystopian novels for teens have become quite popular).  But, she says that the books she prefers are books that students would not choose for themselves and that those books 

•  provide an opener into difficult conversations and topics

• offer complex themes, characters, and motivations worthy of multiple readings

• give young readers words to express what they are feeling or experiencing

• model how we act and talk about tough situations,

• reinforce the development of the whole child: we want children to explore the whole human condition and develop empathy

• prepare young readers for the world they belong in and will someday lead

• prepare them for profound, challenging books to come in middle school and high school 

(Of course, I would add here that each book needs to be assessed individually for its appropriateness and I am a big believer in allowing children to read books that make them laugh in school as well). 

Some weeks ago, I began reading the book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers-  Raising Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents by Dr. Lisa Damour. She begins her book with certain “myths” about adolescence.  Myth #2 “Difficult Emotions Are Bad for Teens.”  She begins that segment with a conversation with a teacher trying to choose a book for her class and doubting the appropriateness of a possible choice.  Damour echoes Eisenberg above

 “From there I explained that several psychological studies have confirmed that reading helps to foster empathy. Far from being harmful to teenagers, reading compelling narratives of lived experiences builds compassion and the ability to take another person’s perspective.  Perhaps the most interesting, research shows that this effect is only achieved when young people become emotionally engaged with what they are reading….But I know in the long run it’s good for young people to experience powerful emotions, even ones that knock them off balance…There is, without question, developmental value in reading evocative accounts of other people’s lives, even when their stories trouble us greatly. Parents tend to have good instincts about what their kids can and can’t handle and I’d be open to their questions about what’s being assigned. That said, as long as the books are age-appropriate, are read with the help of a thoughtful teacher, and are accompanied by meaningful class discussions, I would say that engaging with stories that inspire uncomfortable emotions is not too much to ask of most kids. In fact it plays a critical role in helping young people grow. “

Exposure to some emotional pain does lead to maturation- whether when exposed to literature or to a real-life circumstance. But Damour says there is a difference between an event that is “disquieting” versus one that crosses the line to “traumatic.” (We can talk more about that another week).  Bottom- line- “We don’t want to shield our teenagers from intense, growth-promoting emotions, but we don't want them to encounter situations that can cause trauma.” And, when that line is crossed often depends on the teenager.  “While adolescents benefit from learning how to swim through choppy emotional waters, they should never be allowed to feel as if they are drowning.”  And, parents should also feel comfortable reaching out when they feel something might overpower their child’s coping skills. But, our goal as educators is that every novel chosen should be an opportunity for growth for our students. (And, I still vividly recall the group of sixth graders who knocked on my door after reading A Long Walk to Water, eager to do a tzedakah campaign to raise money for the people in Africa to get clean and healthy water. Wow!) 

I have been thinking about this “myth #2: Difficult emotions are bad for teens”  of Dr. Damour since the war in Israel had begun.  The moment Yom Tov was over we, the Yavneh administration, had a zoom meeting to discuss our plan over the next days for different ages in the school.  We have been trying to strike the balance between protecting our students from exposures that can be traumatic to them, while at the same time providing for them experiences of inspiration and the feeling that they can do something to help.  Last week, I highlighted two particular areas of growth that our children have focused on in the past days.  (And, I am sure you have read the many emails going out and have attended some zooms regarding how to manage the situation with your teens from Ohel, Chai Lifeline and other such organizations. And, of course access to social media and to disturbing images can be particularly damaging, as we have shared). 

While we have been protecting our children from being exposed to trauma, their knowing that there is a terrible situation happening in Israel and exposure to difficult emotions can provide some growth.  I have read recently about “post-traumatic growth” highlighting five areas of psychological and emotional change/growth that exposure to difficult situations can provide, based on psychological research studies.  The five areas are: (as noted by Aharon Zev Moshel in his article “Chassidic Lessons on Growing Through Trauma”)

1. Personal Strength- realization of inner strength that was not realized before. A feeling of self-reliance and knowing that one can handle difficulties. 

2. New Possibilities- taking on a new way of life or doing something he/she would otherwise not have done before.

3. Appreciation of life- the overall enhancement of the way everyday life is perceived. Different priorities for what is important  

4. Relating to others- enhanced relationships with others. Helping others taking a forefront position in their lives. Knowing that they can rely on others as well. 

5. Spiritual change- spirituality becoming a new focus in their lives. 

When deciding on what we plan on doing at Yavneh Academy middle school to connect to Israel and our brothers and sisters there we are trying to choose experiences that will provide opportunities for personal strength, new possibilities, appreciation of life, enhanced relating to others and spiritual change.  Our goal again, as educators, is that every project, initiative, or program chosen should be an opportunity for growth for our students. 

My daughter is in seminary in Israel and she and her fellow classmates had the privilege of hearing Rabbi Leo Dee speak this past week.  Rabbi Dee was inspirational and practical with  the girls.  He shared a message that I had heard him share closer to the death of his wife and daughters. He began by noting that Noach was a person who faced tragedy in his life.  How was Noach able to go on and start anew after the flood? He quoted Rav Soloveitchik who said that when tragedy strikes, we should not ask  לָמָה -why- but rather to ask לְמַה -for what? What will we do now?  Only G-d can answer לָמָה, but only we can answer לְמַה.   What do we do now and what is our role?  The post- traumatic growth. 

Rabbi David Fohrman notes that before the flood,  וַיִּסְגֹּ֥ר ה’ בַּֽעֲדֽו- “And, G-d shut him in” (into the ark).  Hashem closed the door before the flood. But, when the flood was over, who opened the door?  וַיָּ֤סַר נֹ֨חַ֙ אֶת־מִכְסֵ֣ה הַתֵּבָ֔ה - “And Noach removed the covering of the ark”.  “G-d had given man a new lease on life; now it would be up to man to make the most of it.” 

After such a tragic time in Israel, we think about that post- traumatic growth- the  לְמַה- for what? What personal strength can we uncover? What new possibilities are before us? How do we appreciate life more than ever? How can we relate to others through reaching out to them? And, how can I enhance my spirituality?  And, how can we  help our children experience uncomfortable emotions to  uncover the “ לְמַה”- compassion and personal growth? 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students learned the P.A.C.K. method to organization in Advisory. They also began Homeroom which focuses on time management.

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the skills of empathy.

Eighth Grade:  Students began investigating the high school application process.  

Two Kinds of Ahava- Skills for Life For Our Teens

 

This week has been a heart-wrenching week for Israel, the Jewish people and for us here at Yavneh. As we communicated with you on Monday, our goal is to balance maintaining normalcy and a regular schedule to ensure that our students feel secure while at the same time helping our students deal with all they are hearing in the world around them, and allowing them to play a role in supporting Israel.  I have been so proud of our middle school students. They have truly come forward with ideas to support Israel and feel a connection to their Homeland. 

In addition to the blue and white sale and other “actions” the students have been initiating, there have been two other areas that I believe are important life skills, in which our students have been engaging this past week.

The first is talking to Hashem and turning to Him with all that is on our minds.  While our students have davened daily since pre-K, I believe that our students felt this week that there are times in life that only Hashem can listen, hear you, and help. For those who have been reading my column for some time you will know that I am a big believer in a “different” type of SEL- (which normally stands for Social Emotional Learning)- Spiritual Emunah Learning. Our students have experienced emunah this past week and the message that when they are feeling worried they can turn to Hashem to talk to. 

 As I have noted before, emunah and bitachon in Hashem have tremendous power to combat fear, anxiety and uncertainty.  We know the plethora of psychological research substantiating the impact of belief in G-d and religion on lowering anxiety.  79% of studies in a 2015 review by Duke University of 3,000 research studies investigating the relationship between religion and psychological well-being showed a link between religion and psychological well-being. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” Studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually get healthier more quickly, can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes, are more persistent,  and are even happier. Higher  levels of “religiosity” are overall associated with better mental health. 

This past week, our students have learned that when we feel worried, scared or uncertain we can turn to Hashem and He will always listen. We have discussed the power of our tefillot in helping the soldiers face battles, but those tefillot also lower our anxiety and worries. But, not only during difficult times should this be the focus. We as the adults in their lives need to help our children develop personal relationships with Hashem.  My children often tease me when something frustrating happens to me and I say “Hashem!”  While not an intensive tefillah, somewhere I learned that when something happens that is not what you expect, you can turn to G-d. My Zeidi, a Holocaust survivor, a”h, always used to tell us that when you are scared to say “Shema.”  The more we talk to Hashem outside of structured tefillah the more we develop that relationship. And, the key is to talk to Hashem when things are going well or even when you experience success. “Thank you Hashem for this 100 on my test!” No need to wait for structured tefillah to talk to Hashem.  As we say each day in davening Hashem is אבינו אב הרחמן .  Just like we reach out to a parent whenever we need, we reach out to Hashem.These subtle messages our children get as they grow help them strengthen their emunah and their psychological well-being.  

And, I must share one of my favorite parables (again, shared in this column before), by Slovie Jungreis Wolf in her book Raising a Child With Soul which demonstrates the power of emunah to provide stability to our children:

“On Sunday morning, Mendy and I took a trip into Manhattan with our children. We decided to spend the day at Chelsea Piers… Once inside, the kids decided to attempt the rock- climbing wall.  My then four- year-old son, Akiva, insisted on joining his older siblings as they began their ascent. I watched him harnessed in ropes, as his little figure grew smaller with each step. My heart beat a little quicker until he finally made it down. I ran over to him and hugged him hard. ‘Akiva, weren’t you scared?’ I asked.  He looked at me for a second and then replied simply, ‘No, Mommy. Of course I wasn’t afraid. Why should I be? I was connected!” It dawned on me that this small child had just uncovered a significant truth.  You can go through an array of life experiences, some quite difficult to bear; however, if you feel connected to a higher source, you never have to be afraid.” 

 In addition to our students learning that when faced with tough times you need to strengthen your relationship with G-d, they also learned about the importance of strengthening their relationships with members of Am Yisrael they may not even know.  We are all brothers and sisters. It does not matter if hashkafically they are not exactly like us or that they speak a different language. A few weeks ago I had a conversation with two Yavneh teachers about what we all have gained by being exposed to different Jewish communities that might not be like ours. I spoke fondly of a trip we had in high school where we visited different Jewish communities and a representative spoke to us about what made their community special.  We often spend so much time critiquing other Jewish communities without noting that we are all one people. This past week our students have learned what true Ahavat Yisrael is.  And this love is not just about loving strangers in our nation, it is about how we treat and consider the people in our personal lives as well. And strengthening positive attitudes towards others is also found in the research to impact positively on psychological well-being. 

I recently read on Aish.com: The story is told of Rabbi Eliya Lopian (20th century Israel) who was holed up in a crowded bomb shelter during the 1948 War of Independence. A few of the people inside the shelter were speaking Loshon Hara, when suddenly Rabbi Lopian got up, opened the bomb shelter door and stepped outside. "But there's rockets raining overhead," the people shouted, "You're putting yourself in great danger!" Rabbi Lopian calmly turned to them and said, "By sitting amidst gossip, I am in even greater danger." 

 Jewish unity and love for others are needed to win this battle as well,  but not only during difficult times should this be the focus. What can we do as parents to help our children to not be wary of other Jewish groups, but rather appreciate them for their admirable qualities?  Can we speak about others with Ahavat Yisrael, benefit of the doubt and positive outlooks on a day to day basis? 

This past week our students lived the importance of two types of אהבה- love- ואהבת את ה אלוקיך and ואהבת לרעך כמוך - a relationship with G-d and with Am Yisrael. Both are relationships we need to foster for both the success of the Jewish people, particularly during difficult times, and our own psychological well-being.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Based on pieces of advice for middle school success from last year’s sixth graders, this year’s students chose some practical strategies they may want to include this year.

Seventh Grade: Students began a new unit on Empathy called Operation Respect. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began diving into the application process and what might affect high school choice.