As I busily ran around the cafeteria last Monday night with the parents who came to help with the Chesed Team event, (Thank you!), I took a moment to sit back and watch. I watched the smiles, the eagerness and the enthusiasm. I particularly noticed the smiles on the children who I know are struggling- with a social difficulty, a family situation, or overwhelmed by school, with huge smiles on their faces! And, I remembered why I started the Chesed Team. People often ask me- “What does chesed have to do with being the guidance counselor in a school?! That’s your job?! Don’t you have enough to do?! ” And, I answer, the chesed team has three primary benefits, which perfectly fit in with my role. It provides an opportunity for:
Me to get to know the students better in a relaxed atmosphere.
Students who could use a place to shine to feel as if they are making a difference or even playing a leadership role. There are no tryouts for this team!
Doing good for others which makes you feel good! (Remember those smiles?) And, helping kids feel good is my primary job. (And, we know from the research that giving makes us feel happier than receiving a gift ourselves. Giving is good for our health. It promotes social connection).
Even in the workforce, research indicates that giving in the business world creates positive energy and increases productivity and creativity. Organizational psychologist and best selling author Adam Grant wrote a book called Give and Take where he discusses different reciprocity styles- the way we approach interactions with others. He says there are three reciprocity styles- givers, takers and matchers.
Takers are focused on self and always put their interests ahead of the needs of others. Matchers like to maintain an equal balance of giving and taking. Givers are “others focused” and provide for others with “no strings attached.” Research shows that givers are both the worst performers at work (as they sacrifice their own success for the success of others) AND the BEST performers at work. (Takers and matchers are in the middle). Why are givers the best performers? Because “everyone loves, trusts and supports givers since they add value to others and enrich the success of the people around them.” Their giving leads to quality relationships which leads to not only success at work, but they are also happier people.
(What is the difference between the givers on the top and the givers on the bottom? The givers who are most successful are constantly giving but in a targeted manner which is not taking over their lives. Some examples: successful givers do targeted favors that are limited in time, ask for help- which boosts the self-esteem of the other, allocate only a part of their day to giving, and do favors for others).
So, now we know. To be happy and successful in life we want to raise children who are givers!! How? Well, one way is by having them join the Chesed Team :)!
As parents we can also help our children become givers by giving them chores to do-without any pay! Setting the table, helping a younger sibling, loading the dishwasher- ensures that they are givers. And, so, even though I may do a better job at one of these chores, (they don’t really fold those sheets the right way!), I need to take a step back and provide each child with work to do. Children thereby learn, inculcated in their genes from early on, that they need to give.
But, what if that isn’t the way your house has been running until now? Sarah Radcliffe, in her article “For the Love of Giving” writes “Fortunately, there’s an easy way for parents to begin to change the rules of the game. All Mom has to do is call for some help when she’s in the kitchen dishing out the platters (or setting the table, or bringing in the groceries etc.). If no one shows up, then Mom should take her seat at the table and chat along with everyone else. If someone wonders out loud about the meal (“Are we eating soon?”) Mom should say, “Oh I was just waiting for you guys to help me prepare the platters. Are you ready now?” She adds that the children will not be resentful. Human beings by nature like to help. And, of course, always follow with generous praise.
Another way we as parents can ensure this “giver” quality is by asking our children to share. There needs to be a balance between a child getting what he/she deserves and allowing another to have what he/she wants out of generosity. That is where teaching our children to share, even when they got the item first, is important. This applies to teenagers as well.
In Hebrew we call this the ability to be מְוַתֵר- the ability to give up or give in on something despite your feeling that it should be yours or you are in the right. Yes, you might believe it is your turn in the game, but every once in a while, just allow the other to go instead. It does not mean being someone that everyone walks all over, but it does mean the ability to stop and say, “I can let someone else have the honor or the privilege or the item instead of me.”
This past week we commemorated the yahrzeit of Rachel Imeinu the “מְוַתֶרֶת” par excellence. Her father Lavan switched Leah and herself at her marriage to Yaakov and she gave up her place for Leah so she would not be embarrassed. It is for that reason, says the Midrash Rabba Eicha Petichta 24, that when the Jews were exiled to Bavel, all the forefathers along with Moshe came each individually before G-d to plead on Bnai Yisrael’s behalf. Hashem did not listen to any of them. Only to Rachel, who said,
"Master of the universe, You know that Jacob loved me most and worked for my father for seven years in order to wed me. And when the time of my marriage came, my father switched my sister for me and I didn't begrudge my sister and I didn't let her be shamed. If I, who am only human, was not willing to humiliate my sister to get what I wanted, how could You – the eternal, living, compassionate God – envy idol-worship which has no true existence and cause my children to be exiled?!"
Immediately, God's mercy was awakened and He said: "For you, Rachel, I will bring Israel back to its place, as it is said: '...Do not cry and let your eyes not tear, for there is reward for your actions ... and there is hope for your end, and your children will return to their borders.' "
This ותרנות- the ability to give up on something, leads to generosity. We want our children to grow into adults who notice and respond to the needs of others (while at the same time recognizing their own needs). Can my child assert herself, while at the same time noticing the needs of others? Can he delay gratification so someone else can get what he needs?
In the article “Teaching Kids To Share” psychologist Nancy Eisenberg is quoted as asserting that the way to help children become more generous is by providing them with opportunities “having the experience of giving to others and learning how good it feels.” But she warns that children should not be forced to give up an item to another child which just builds resentment. The key is teaching children that when they want an item that another child has, they need to ask for a turn and wait patiently. But, the aura in this home we do offer a turn to others as well.
Amy Joyce, in her article “Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist shares ways to raise them to be kind” quotes the research of Dr. Richard Weissbord. First, 80% of the youth in the study said that their parents were more concerned with their achievement or their happiness than whether they care for others. They agreed with the statement “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”
Weissbord asserts,
Instead of telling our children that the most important thing for us is that they be happy, we need to tell them that the most important thing for us is the way they treat others with kindness. When at parent-teacher conferences, ask the teachers how they are doing in terms of how they treat others!
Give them opportunities to practice giving to others. Just like you practice an instrument daily you need to practice doing something for others. (And, he adds- don’t always reward your child for that behavior. It should be expected!)
Expand your child’s circle of concern- it isn’t only about their friends and their family. How about the bus driver? A boy in their class who is not their friend? Or even situations outside our neighborhood or country.
Be a strong moral role model and mentor- we model doing kindness. We also allow them to hear our considerations as we “think out loud” about how we want to act towards another.
This afternoon I ran out to get a book from the library written by Adam Grant (same as above) and his wife Allison Sweet Grant. It is a children’s picture book. The Grants described how they wrote this book in reaction to Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree which they excitedly bought for their first child, and then realized it felt wrong to them. (In their words)
If you ask parents to think of a children’s book about generosity, “The Giving Tree” is usually the first — and often the only — one they can name. But here’s the thing: It’s not really about generosity. It’s a book about self-sacrifice — and those are two very different things.
To some readers, the tree’s act of sacrifice seems noble, like the unconditional love a parent gives to a child. But if you assume the story is about generosity, it’s easy to learn the wrong lessons: that it’s O.K. for a child to take selfishly, and that adults should give until it hurts — and keep giving until they literally have nothing left to offer. That’s a recipe for trouble.
Self-sacrifice is not sustainable, and it isn’t healthy either. Research shows that people who care about others and neglect themselves are more likely to become anxious and depressed. They’re also less effective: When teachers give up their nights and weekends to help individual students, their classes do significantly worse on standardized tests. Similarly, selfless students see their grades falter — they’re so busy solving their friends’ problems that they skip their own classes and fail to study for their own exams. Self-sacrifice is a risk factor for burnout and declining productivity. For example, selflessness predicts emotional exhaustion among nurses and low productivity among engineers.
They go on to note that in a healthy family, giving goes both ways and the boy in The Giving Tree is purely selfish. In this era of immediate gratification and “filtered selfies” this boy is not a role model for our children.
So they wrote the book The Gift Inside the Box. The inside cover says “This gift is in search of a giver. Could that someone be you?” A mysterious gift box finds himself in search of someone to open him, but nobody seems to be the right one. After disheartening interactions with grabby kids, selfish siblings, and other single-minded would-be recipients, the box wonders if he’ll ever find someone deserving of him. Could that someone be the very person who’s reading the book itself? While every child who sees this mysterious box wonders if it is the item they wished for proclaiming “Mine!” One girl says to the mysterious box, “Oh! I bet there’s something wonderful in here. I’ve been looking for the perfect gift for someone special. I would love to give you to…” And, the book ends by asking the reader, “Who would you give this box to?”
I once read that the best way to raise a child on a certain path is to be a gardener, not a carpenter. Carpenters- carve the wood into a particular shape. A gardener, helps things grow on their own by creating a fertile environment for growth. Here at Yavneh and at home, we will work at fostering a soil that is the perfect environment for givers and giving to grow.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students began looking at their backpacks and utilized the PACK strategies.
Seventh Grade: Student talked about empathetic communication and not judging a book by its cover.
Eighth Grade: Students began learning interview skills.
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