Remember when your child was in the younger grades and you sent him/her to school with a nachat note? She shared the parasha beautifully at the Shabbat table. He cleaned his room without being asked. Gone are the days of those nachat notes, but I maintain we need to still compose “nachat notes” for our middle school students- even if only metaphorical ones.
The obvious reason is that it makes them feel good when we notice the good they are doing. In Hebrew the word for “gratitude” is הכרת הטוב- which literally means recognizing or noticing the good. When we notice or recognize when our children do something well, it gives us as parents a sense of accomplishment too.
A family therapist Rabbi Shmuel Ackerman writes about an idea called a Nachat Notebook. There a parent recognizes and writes down when a child does something good. He lists three benefits to keeping such a notebook
When our children inevitably do something that disappoints us (after all, they are human), we can glance at that notebook and remember the wonderful things they do. As parents, we sometimes get down on ourselves and think any less than positive behavior of our children reflects poorly on our parenting. This notebook reminds us that our parenting is pretty good much of the time!
Writing things down makes a “big deal” of what your child has just done. By making a big deal about his successes, he will come to feel even more proud. Reviewing the nachat notebook with her every so often- he says even weekly- is a wonderful way to reinforce how proud you are of your child.
Parents will “gradually and steadily become better at noticing and acknowledging success.” You thereby model the quality of being מכיר the טוב (recognizing the good) in your lives. And, “Over time, you will introduce a new pattern of conversation in your home, a pattern of yishuv hadaas (peace of mind) , that comes from realizing that even though you wish things were better, they are already, more often than you have realized, pretty good.”
Rabbi Ackerman maintains that one should put at least four nachat notes in your nachat notebook weekly. Each “nachat note” should have two components:
What your child did that you considered to be wonderful. Write down specifically what you saw.
What you said to her that acknowledged her success. Write down specifically what you said when you saw the nachat.
Rabbi Ackerman adds that nachat notes often help children who underperform in certain areas, (never set the table the right way, sloppily do their homework) as they see through this notebook that “that good performance is worthy of acknowledgement and excellent performance is even better. “
Tzvi Freeman writes in his article “10 Tips The Parenting Books Won’t Tell You”- about “Nachas (not the chips)”-”If you want nachas from your kids, the best way to get it is by getting nachas from your kids…That means letting slide the stupid little things that kids do, and getting a kick out of the cute, smart and beautiful little things they do. Let them see your smile.For every “No!” there’s got to be at least five hugs, kisses, pats on the back, cheek-pinching, and just plain loving smiles. Kids thrive on your enjoyment of them. As the anthropologist Ashley Montagu pointed out, no culture provides attention and affection to their kids as do Jews. In English, we don’t even have a word for nachas!”
One can never underestimate the impact of noticing the good our children are doing. Dr. Gary Smalley said “Affirming words from moms and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities.”
I recently read an article by Rachel Macy Stafford “How To Notice The Good In Children” as she describes as a parent she finally realized that she was criticizing her children too often -to help them improve. One day her daughter was playing violin and she was critiquing her and her daughter stopped playing and said “I just want to be good.” From that moment on she worked on noticing the good. They worked out a prize system for doing good, but then she realized that the prize really didn’t matter. “...the children were ‘doing good’ and I was ‘noticing good.’ Once again, the powerful awareness lightened the entire atmosphere of our home and made us all more helpful and kind. When it comes to positive affirmation–the prize doesn’t matter. Because being affirmed is the prize. Because having someone notice and celebrate your good work is the prize. Because seeing the smile on your parent’s face because of something you did is the prize. But wait. Here’s the real prize … When you fill up a child, her eyes become brighter. Her head is held higher. Her dreams come closer. And suddenly, life is full of possibilities for the most precious prize of all: your child.”
The power of noticing and telling a child the good they are doing cannot be underestimated. Rabbi Yissochor Frand notes that in Parashat Noach Hashem told Noach in Bereishit 7:1
וַיֹּ֤אמֶר ה֙ לְנֹ֔חַ בֹּֽא־אַתָּ֥ה וכל־בֵּיתְךָ֖ אֶל־הַתֵּבָ֑ה כִּֽי־אֹתְךָ֥ רָאִ֛יתִי צַדִּ֥יק לְפָנַ֖י בַּדּ֥וֹר הַזֶּֽה׃
Then G-d said to Noah, “Go into the ark, with all your household, for you alone have I found righteous before Me in this generation.
Hashem directly compliments Noach- gives him a “nachat note” in this pasuk. It could in fact be that this ‘“compliment” of the Almighty to Noach was the key to Noach’s salvation. …Because”, Noach says, “You told me that ‘You I have found to be righteous before me in this generation’, I was motivated to be righteous.” “What made me change,” says Noach, “is that You, Almighty, complimented me. That is why I changed — because of the ‘partial praise’ I heard You say before me.” Noach needed Hashem to notice his accomplishments.
The bottom-line- you never outgrow the need for a nachat note from your parents!
The concept of the Nachat Notebook brought to mind another article I once read by Rebecca Steier called “The Nachas Call.” She writes about the importance of reaching out to call someone (or email) who has done something for you. She writes ”My inspiration for making nachas calls came from my mother. I can vividly recall her sitting at her desk and writing thank-you cards for any act of kindness someone had done toward her. The delightful phone calls and exuberant hugs she got from the lucky recipients of her beautifully written notes made a lasting impression on me.” And, a nachat note written to a person’s supervisor, spouse, or even children, even as an adult, makes an impact.
Coincidentally, Rabbi Penn and I had a conversation on Thursday about my father, Rabbi Steven Dworken, a”h whom Rabbi Penn knew well. He had shared with one of the Yavneh faculty members the story about how my father would commute to Yeshiva University every day, and daily he would make an effort to go through the same tollbooth, and in a friendly manner chat with the toll collector. He decided to write a letter to her supervisor about the wonderful job she did each day. One day, he drove through the tolls (she was not there), and he saw her running towards him waving a paper. She said, “This is the letter you wrote about me complimenting me to my supervisor and because of this letter I was promoted, and no longer need to work at a tollbooth as I am now working in headquarters. “ A person is never too old to receive a nachat note, and never too old to have others who are important to him know how amazing he is.
As we start the new year, realize how meaningful it is to teachers to receive nachat notes from you, the parents. If you feel that your child had a wonderful experience in a class or a teacher really helped and supported your child, take a moment to write a nachat note to the teacher. We as educators save those notes forever, as they are so meaningful to us and help us realize we are making a difference.
So, this year, as parents we need to write lots of nachat notes- about our children and to those who make a difference in our lives and in the lives of our children.
But, there is one more focus on nachat we need to have as the year begins. As we enter the month of Elul and prepare for the Yamim Noraim, and we as Jews are focusing on spiritual growth, I think about something I once read that it says in the Tanya, “What could we possibly give to G-d?” We can give Him nachat. During this time period we should be thinking about how to give nachat to Hashem as well.
Wishing you all a school year full of nachat!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: During this abridged week half of our students learned about what Advisory in middle school is about and got to learn more about their Advisors and the students in their Advisory class.
Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of their 7th Grade Advisory year- Prepare Yourself to Change the World- how they will learn life skills to make a difference.
Eighth Grade: During this abridged week only some of 8th grade groups met and they were introduced to the theme of 8th grade Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh.”
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