Each week when I go to our local Jewish grocery stores before Shabbat, (and even Shoprite on Fridays!), I inevitably bump into Yavneh graduates (or their parents). I get an update about what they are up to in life- high school, college, leaving for seminary, graduate school, engaged, newly married, expecting twins (yes, a graduate once told me in Grand and Essex she was expecting twins!), and even teachers and rebbeim in local yeshivot. What nachat! I cannot even describe the pride I feel in what they have grown to be. And, you can ask my fellow administrators- I then run to the administration whatsapp group and post, “I bumped into so and so and let me tell you what she’s up to…” This past week, my shopping took me double the time as I conversed with various graduates (and even bumped into a student from the school I previously worked in over 20 years ago). It has gotten to the point that pre- Shabbat shopping is my favorite time of the week!
I truly feel that nachat when I meet any of my former students, but I feel particular pride when I bump into the ones who struggled in middle school and yet we never gave up on them. We supported them and partnered with the parents, and they have progressed and soared since then. And, I am then reminded that you can never give up on a child, and perhaps what we gave them in middle school helped them become who they are today. There are so many contributing factors, I am sure, to their successes. But, I do think we at Yavneh can take some credit. We told them that we knew they could do it… and they did.
Mr. Charlie Harary, in his book Unlocking Greatness stresses “What you think about you bring about.” Our minds shape reality. He quotes a famous research study by Dr. Robert Rosenthal in the 1960s, which really hit home as an educator. Dr. Rosenthal went to an elementary school and claimed that he designed a test that would assess “blooming intelligence” by the results on the test, and would share those scores with the teachers. But, in reality he faked all the scores and randomly gave some students better scores and some worse. A year later, the students he randomly chose were actually at the top of their classes! (And, they all had IQ tests, and he knew that they did not necessarily score the highest). And, their actual IQ scores even went up a year later! It was all because the teachers mistakenly thought these students were “smarter,” expected more of them, the students then picked up on those expectations and adapted to them. When teachers believed in their students, they actually achieved more.
This reminds me of a video of a TED talk I show teachers called “Every Kid Needs A Champion” by a teacher, Rita Pierson. I am going to share a bit of what she says:
I have had classes that were so low, so academically deficient that I cried. I wondered, how am I going to take this group in nine months from where they are to where they need to be? And it was difficult. It was awfully hard. How do I raise the self-esteem of a child and his academic achievement at the same time?
One year I came up with a bright idea. I told all my students, "You were chosen to be in my class because I am the best teacher and you are the best students, they put us all together so we could show everybody else how to do it." One of the students said, "Really?" I said, "Really. We have to show the other classes how to do it, so when we walk down the hall, people will notice us, so you can't make noise. You just have to strut." And I gave them a saying to say: "I am somebody. I was somebody when I came. I'll be a better somebody when I leave. I am powerful, and I am strong. I deserve the education that I get here. I have things to do, people to impress, and places to go." And they said, "Yeah!" You say it long enough, it starts to be a part of you.
And so — I gave a quiz, 20 questions. A student missed 18. I put a "+2" on his paper and a big smiley face. He said, "Ms. Pierson, is this an F?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Then why'd you put a smiley face?" I said, "Because you're on a roll. You got two right. You didn't miss them all." I said, "And when we review this, won't you do better?" He said, "Yes, ma'am, I can do better." You see, "-18" sucks all the life out of you. "+2" said, "I ain't all bad…
(She then continues to speak about her mother who was also a teacher)... after she retired, I watched some of those same kids come through and say to her, "You know, Ms. Walker, you made a difference in my life. You made it work for me. You made me feel like I was somebody, when I knew, at the bottom, I wasn't. And I want you to just see what I've become…
Every child deserves a champion, an adult who will never give up on them, who understands the power of connection, and insists that they become the best that they can possibly be.
Making a child feel like he/she is a somebody is the key to raising him/her to become a somebody.
In our family, we are Star Wars fans. This past week, Jame Earl Jones, who was famous for being the voice of Darth Vader, passed away. His obituary in The Week notes that Jones was known for his “rich, resonant and instantly recognizable basso profundo which elevated every line he delivered…though he had one of the most famous voices in cinema he started out as a child traumatized into silence…” He had a very difficult family life. “The upheaval gave him a stutter and mockery from other children rendering him virtually mute from ages 6-14. A high school teacher helped him realize that reciting memorized words made speaking easier, and by his senior year he had won an oratory competition…” A teacher relayed the message that he could do it, and his speech, which was difficult, became his claim to fame. That teacher believed he could be a somebody and he became one.
And, of course, parents have the same impact. However, It is particularly difficult for us to help our children feel like they can succeed when they perhaps did not succeed the year before. But, the good news is…each year is a fresh start and a new chance!
In a paper called “The Fresh Start Effect: Temporal Landmarks Motivate Aspirational Behavior” by Dai, Milkman and Riis at University of Pennsylvania they write about something called “the fresh start effect”- that people are more likely to tackle their goals, “take a big-picture view of their lives, and thus motivate aspirational behaviors” at landmark times that signify a new beginning. It could be the first day of school, the beginning of a new week or even the day back from a big vacation. They call these times “temporal landmarks,” a term which comes from the research on memory, which are markers in time that separate one time period from another so that people can divide the “timeline of their lives in their heads which helps them categorize and thus retrieve memories,” says Melissa Dahl in her article “September Is Your Second Chance January.”
These landmarks are also used to organize memories of ourselves, says Dahl, called “temporal self-appraisal.” That was the summer me, this is the September me! That was my sixth grade me. Now, this is the seventh grade me. Researchers point out that people often even “describe their pre-change self as a distinct person.”
Dahl also notes that another explanation to the fresh start effect might be that “interruptions to a routine shake people out of autopilot.” But, the problem is, as we intuit and the research shows, there is a lot of excitement right after the temporal landmark, but that excitement fades quickly. When the first day of school starts, my son really does intend to do his homework the moment he gets home before watching TV. And, slowly that commitment and enthusiasm fizzles. (Think about all those commitments to go to the gym…) And, then your child (or you) is dejected. How depressing it is to make that resolution on the first day of school to be different this year, and then life happens. Most of us give up at that point. But, the truth is, it is never too late to start again. Every day can be a “temporal landmark.”
I work with teachers to relay that message. Often I meet with children who are struggling behaviorally or academically and they feel it is too late. There is nothing they can do. I tell them that I met with the teacher and we have agreed to make tomorrow like the first day of school. No preconceived notions or habits. Tomorrow the teacher is meeting you for the first time, and you have the opportunity to start again.
As parents, this is an important lesson to remind ourselves of and more importantly to share with our children. It does not matter how they did or what they did yesterday. Each day can be a new start and a new beginning. I will not judge you and you can start fresh. You can conjure a “temporal landmark” and a fresh start each and every day. This was me before Tuesday. Now, it is me after Tuesday- new and improved, or at least working to improve.
No matter how our children behaved one day, no matter what grade they got on their tests, or no matter how rude they were at the dinner table, we relay to them the message, “No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS get a second chance.” I will never write you off as impossible or incorrigible. The secure feeling that a child gets from that message ensures that he will share his worries and troubles with you before things get out of hand. Children who are worried that their parents have given up on them give up on their relationship with their parents. “You may have skipped your homework five times in a row. While I need to possibly implement some consequences, and sit with you every night to make sure you are doing your work, you can always redeem yourself. I believe in you.”
I came across an image which says it all- especially at this time of year.
As we are in this season of Elul, Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur we are on fire to be better and to do better this year. Whether religiously, spiritually or as human beings- we will be better. We all make those resolutions, and then real-life sets in. It is so easy to be dejected and give up. We couldn’t do it last year, there is no way we can this year. But, Hashem is our Parent “אבינו” and He always gives us a second chance. He does not care that we failed last year (despite promising to do better). This season is a “temporal landmark”- a fresh start. And, if for some reason it doesn’t last, each and every day He gives us another chance.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students went over the Success Tips for Middle School Guide created by last year’s sixth graders. They identified the tips they want to try to implement this year.
Seventh Grade: Students connected the theme of this year’s Advisory “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” to how they can first implement self-change this year. They then had a “This Is How We Roll- How are we doing?” session- an opportunity to speak about how school is going thus far this year.
Eighth Grade: As a follow up to their incredible Corn Maze trip last week, students discussed the video “Who Moved My Cheese?” based on the book by Spencer Johnson which is about a maze as a metaphor for life- often full of challenges and dead ends and paths that we thought would be the right ones, and yet don't at all turn out the way we wanted or planned. They discussed the strategies for overcoming frustration and how to keep on going.
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