A survey reported in the New York Post said that 60% of parents are so anxious about coming back to school that they lose sleep. Of the 2000 parents surveyed 57% said it is the most stressful time of year for them. The top worries of most parents are: Whether their child will have good teachers (50%), whether their child eats healthy foods at school (44%), the cost of buying school supplies (42%), their child’s safety at school (40%), and whether their child will make friends at school (40%).
I always used to share with others that vacation to me is not a trip to an exotic far-away land. Vacation for me is simply when my children are off from school. No oversight of homework. No lunches. No carpools. No early morning wake-ups. That is vacation. No wonder we parents often have that feeling in the pit of our stomachs the first days of school.
Of course, as parents, we are also worried about our children’s back to school anxiety. As Dr. Rachel Busman writes in her article “Back to School Anxiety” the first step to calm down your child is: “taking your own temperature to make sure you’re not passing on stress to your kids. And to enable you to manage your own stress, she says, it’s important not to take on more commitments than the family can handle comfortably. “I think there’s a contagion effect that we have to be careful of,” she adds. As much as we can, focus on the positives and not share our anxieties with our children.
Attending back to school night is a great way to calm our own back to school jitters.
Get a sense of the classroom environment. How is the classroom set up? How far is one classroom from the next? What does my child’s locker look like? You can then better envision what the physical environment your child is in each day and some of the challenges he/she may face when it comes to managing his/her materials and schedule. Once you have this information you can have more meaningful conversations about their daily lives with them.
What is the teacher’s personality like? What will the vibe of the classroom be? Again, when your child talks about a teacher you can truly understand what he/she is saying.
It builds a relationship and rapport with the teacher. Once you meet someone in person (and not wait until parent-teacher conferences to do so) when you receive an email, or hear about the teacher from your child, it is easier to connect. Make an effort to introduce yourself before or after the teacher’s presentation. The teacher is then not simply a name. And, by going you relay to the teacher that you value your child’s educational experience. We are all so busy, but when we take the time to come to back to school night we show that we are “all in” and partnering with the teacher.
It is a great time for you to uncover each teacher’s methods- what is their homework policy? Are their quizzes? Check-ins? What materials should my child be bringing to class? The less “unknown” there is the more you can help your child and the less anxious you are!
It is an opportunity to meet other parents. Network. We are all in this together.
By reaping all these benefits of back to school night along with knowing your child, you will have a sense of how much support your child will need at the start. Mostly, it will reassure you that this year will be a wonderful experience! As Scholastic writes in their Back To School Night article for parents:
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then visiting in person must equal about a million. That's why most schools host back-to-school nights shortly after the beginning of the year. Take advantage of this opportunity to see the world your child inhabits every day and meet the people in charge. It's one of the best ways to begin to build that all-important home-school connection.
And, of course, by going to back to school night we are relaying the message to our children that we care about their education. Additionally, when you come home that night or the next day, discuss back to school night with your child. Tell them what you learned about each teacher. Show them how excited you are about their opportunities this year, which can only impact positively on their attitude. It is a perfect way to begin an open dialogue with your child about school. When you share, ask them what they think.
And, while the beginning of the year often starts with anxiety, we need to remind ourselves that it is normal and it need not be eliminated totally. In Dr. David Rosmarin’s book Thriving With Anxiety he explains in his introduction why we are so uncomfortable with anxiety today:
…Our culture is obsessed with control. Today we have predictions for everything, from financial markets, political elections, and flu epidemics to professional sports outcomes and the weather…our culture cannot tolerate uncertainty.” The beginning of the school year is full of uncertainty- for our children and ourselves. But, let’s recall that some anxiety is good for us as it does motivate us to put our all into the start of the year.
We experience similar beginning of the year anxiety each year as we approach the Yamim Noraim (beginning in Elul). As Chani Gottleib aptly writes in her article “My Fear of Fear”
It’s that time of year again. Elul. Like a boisterous school boy willing August to stretch beyond its 31 days, I suspect I’m not alone in wishing to hold on to the last moments of summer and disregard Elul’s urgent message to shape up. Elul spells fear of Divine Judgment and retribution, and that fear makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I have been here before, wishing to skip the tense month of Elul with its call for self-scrutiny, demand to dig up wrongdoings I’d rather forget, and burden of guilt. Wouldn’t a gentle August to September transition be a happier way to celebrate the Jewish New Year?
It’s that beginning of the year jitters that we experience in our religious lives too! She writes that her strategy has always been to only focus on the joyful parts of the holiday season. And, yet, that is not at all accurate. The season is meant to have some “fear” as we know we say in tefillah of the Yamim Noraim-ובכן תן פחדך ה’ אלקינו על כל מעשיך ואימתך על כל מה שבראת.
And so grant it that Your fear/awe, Hashem, will be upon all Your works. And Your dread upon all You have created.”
She shares a section from On Repentance by Rav Y.D. Solovetichik, that
“an eminent psychiatrist, acutely aware of the unhealthy mental toll fear has on mankind, once suggested to Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik zt”l that if he had the authority, he would omit this tefillah. Why should we pray for fear when fear, or anxiety, is one of the major causes of mental illness?
“Everyone seems to be beset with fears of all kinds,” the Rav replied. “Some are afraid that they won’t be able to succeed in their careers, others fear losing their wealth or status or that they will fail to attain sufficient prominence. Many people are afraid of sickness and bodily weakness. In generations past, fear of leprosy engulfed the world; today people live in fear of a cancerous growth. Many people don’t go to see a doctor even when they have pains, lest he diagnose them with the dreaded disease.
“I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know that one major source of fear can wipe out all of these lesser fears. What fear can overtake man, thereby uprooting all other fears, such as that of failure, of poverty, of old age, of rejection or of disease? Only the fear of the L-rd! That’s the reason behind the expression in the High Holy Day prayer, “Cast [Your] fear, O L-rd our G-d, upon all [Your] handiwork and [Your] awe upon all that [You have] created.” We pray that this great fear will free us from those other ones which lurk everywhere, upsetting our lives” (On Repentance, p. 223).
What is this “fear” that the Rav is referring to? I maintain it is really emunah- faith. It is the belief that no matter what happens to me, G-d is with me and supporting me. That is why one of the famous acronyms for the month of Elul, when judgment begins is from שיר השירים ו:ג-
אֲנִ֤י לְדוֹדִי֙ וְדוֹדִ֣י לִ֔י
“I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me.”
This pasuk describes the love relationship between Hashem and Bnai Yisrael. But, I thought this month is full of fear? What does love have to do with anything? And, why is this love so essential for Teshuva? Sorah Esther Crispe in her article “The Jewish Heart- The Secret of Elul” notes that true love is that the person you love and who loves you never turns his back on you. No matter what we do, or how we turn our back on Him, because Hashem loves us- He is always there for us- and we can always turn around and repent. He is always waiting for us. That is what true “יראת שמים” (fear of Heaven) and Emunah is all about. In essence, it is comforting and brings us closer to change.
Gottleib adds:
A fear-free life isn’t an attainable goal. Nor is it even desirable. We’re hard-wired to experience fear. We need fear. It keeps us from harm. It protects us from walking off a cliff. From getting burned. From entering a place of mortal danger. It’s a survival instinct, a gift from Hashem. Yet like any one other emotion, it has to be balanced to allow us to function well.
And, just like we attend back to school night to manage our anxiety at the start of the year, there are Elul and Tishrei endeavors we can engage in to help us with that anxiety and help us grow.
As so, as we start the school year and the Jewish year, a small dose of anxiety is good for us to start the year off right. But, there are things we can do to contain that anxiety to help us grow. See you tomorrow night at back to school night!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students continued their “getting to know you” and getting to know Advisory activities.
Seventh Graders: Students connected their “changing the world” this year in Advisory to first focusing on self-improvement
Eighth Grade: Students finished discussing what they will gain from Advisory this year.
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