In my Beur Tefillah class we began a deep dive into the tefillah of אבינו מלכנו which we recite every day during the Aseret Yimei Teshuva. I began sharing one of my favorite Ishay Ribo Songs לשוב הביתה “To Return Home.”
דלתות שמיים לא ננעלו
וכשהבן קורא הצילו
אבא שבשמיים מגיע אפילו
[(פזמון)]
אפילו שעשינו משהו רע
הוא מוחל וסולח, מוחל וסולח
מושיט ידו לעזרה ונותן ברחמיו
את הכח לתקן ולשוב אליו
The doors of Heaven never lock,
When a son calls, save him
Then Father in Heaven arrives, Even...
[(Chorus)]
Even if we've done something wrong,
He forgives and pardons, He forgives and pardons,
He stretches out His hand to assist, and in His mercy gives
The strength to fix, and return to Him
The song explains the power of Teshuva. Hashem is our father, and just like a father/parent- no matter what you have done- He will always let you return “back home” and He will forgive with mercy. That is why we call Hashem אבינו מלכנו- our father, our king- with the term father always coming first. I encourage my students, as they daven this Rosh Hashana (and every day) to remember that Hashem is their father and He is always listening and always ready to accept them. A parent always welcomes a child back with open arms no matter what he/she does.
(The Solomon Brothers sing an English version with Ishay Ribo. The words truly hit home:
I know it’s not too late,
No path will seal my fate,
I know you’ll be there with arms wide open.
No matter what I’ve done wrong,
No matter how long I’ve been gone,
You’ll be there and let me back in.
Even if we did a little wrong
You always have mercy,
I know You forgive me.
So please so please show me the way back home
I’m wandering blindly
And, finally I am on the way back home. )
But, what is the best way to approach our Father for forgiveness? Discovering that path can teach us some lessons as to how we, as parents, can develop a similar relationship with our own children.
During the Yamim Noraim season the י”ג מידות- the 13 Attributes of Mercy of G-d are a mainstay of our Tefillah. We know that the use of the 13 middot was introduced after חטא העגל - the sin of the Golden Calf- when Moshe goes up to Har Sinai to receive the second לוחות (Shemot 34: 1-10), and were given to Moshe as a “formula” to use to achieve forgiveness for Bnai Yisrael.
As they are listed in Shemot 34:6,7
ה׳ ׀ ה׳ קל רַח֖וּם וְחַנּ֑וּן אֶ֥רֶךְ אַפַּ֖יִם וְרַב־חֶ֥סֶד וֶאֱמֶֽת נֹצֵ֥ר חֶ֙סֶד֙ לָאֲלָפִ֔ים נֹשֵׂ֥א עָוֺ֛ן וָפֶ֖שַׁע וְחַטָּאָ֑ה וְנַקֵּה֙
“Lord Lord! Benevolent G-d Who is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in kindness and truth, preserving loving kindness to the thousandth generation, forgiving iniquity, and rebellion, and sin;
Rabbi David Fohrman, in his video “ The High Holidays- Just How Guilty Should I Feel?” points out that these 13 attributes are a guide for how to truly ask for forgiveness.
First there’s that double name, Hashem Hashem… They say that the Creator-Name of God appears twice here, because it signifies that the same God – the same Heavenly Parent – that existed before you sinned, He exists afterwards, too.
God can still love you, can still be your Parent after you sin. He can still even be proud of you; the same vibrant relationship you once had with Him can be recaptured, restored, brought back to life. He is your Creator before you sin, and He is still your Creator afterwards. This baseline love is ever-present.
After that, we get “Kel Rachum”, which means: a merciful God. Well, sure, you know, “merciful” fits – that’s certainly an aspect of compassion.
Then the next attribute we get is “Chanun”, gracious. I think we’d all agree that “gracious” fits, too, very compassionate.
Next we have “Erech Apayim” and “Rav Chesed” – patient and full of kindness. All very compassionate, you’d have to say – so these fit, too.
But now look at the very next word: “Emet.” Truth. God is a God of truth.
I don't know, that one kinda seems a little out of place. Don't get me wrong. It’s not like I have anything against truth, it's a very nice value. Good for courts, wonderful for judges. Truth, justice and the American way, and all that. But I wouldn't say it's a value that has much to do with compassion, would you?
Rabbi Fohrman goes on to say that in actuality, truth is the last thing we want Hashem to focus on - we want to just forget about what we have done and move on. But, it seems that “truth” is an integral part of Hashem’s compassion. Truth telling is the way to earn forgiveness- that’s what viduy- confession- is all about.
Going back to the parent/child metaphor. Oftentimes our children are afraid to tell us they have done something wrong. It involves admitting a “difficult truth” that he/she has let us down in some way. They are afraid we will be disappointed and our relationship will never be the same. And, like Hashem said to Bnai Yisrael after cheit haegel- I created you, I am your parent. And, that involves a non-rational bias called love. I will love you no matter what.
Whenever we feel that we have sinned grievously, He is asking us to experience Him as a true Parent – a Parent who is there for us even after we have let Him down, a Parent who has the capacity to love us even after our greatest failings.
He is a Parent who is rachum - He wants to help us grow, and chanun - who loves us just because we belong to Him. He is a Parent who is erech apayim, patient, and rav chesed, kind. If we can get in touch with these aspects of God, if we can learn to trust that this is who He is, then that helps give us the courage we need to bring truth into the relationship.
There’s a particular pride, says Rabbi Fohrman, that a parent has when his child displays the courage to tell the truth and apologize. That is what the 13 attributes do: The words aren't magic. But the gift they assure us of, the existence of a Parent in the sky whose love is ever-present, who values truth, and who wants nothing more than to continue to be proud and admire us, that is truly magical.
Our parent, Hashem, will always accept us, especially when we tell the truth of what we have done wrong.
So, as parents, how do we learn from THE Parent on high, and relay that message to our children that if they do something “wrong” we want them to tell the truth and admit it? The first step is always to reassure our children that they will be safe if they tell the truth.
How do we teach them the value of coming clean with the truth?
First model truth telling to them. And, share stories of your own life when you resisted the temptation to cover something up and came clean. And, clearly don’t lie in front of them.
Catch them telling the truth. When they tell the truth, compliment them, “That must have been really hard for you to tell the truth. I am proud of you.” And, even when they are yelling and upset, to say something like “I think it would be best to talk about this when you are more calm, but I appreciate how honest you were just now- I know it wasn’t easy.”
Talk to them about integrity in general. Whether current events or any situation in the real world, point out when dishonesty was the wrong thing. Have this conversation about the importance of telling the truth before something bad happens.
When it seems like they are lying, say something like, “That sounds like you are making that up. If you are, how about trying again and telling me what really happened?”
Tell them very directly if they did something wrong they will be in less trouble if they tell the truth. So, for example, if the consequence of that behavior would normally be no TV time for a week, it would now be for three days instead because they told the truth. And, if they did lie, when they come back to correct it on their own, lessen the consequence.
Never call your child a liar. They may not have told the truth but lying should not be a label.
Think about the function of the lie. Are they lying to look cool as they lack confidence? To avoid a consequence? So someone won’t worry about them? Or perhaps he/she is just impulsive and doesn’t think about the consequences? They may be asking for help.
If your child is not a chronic liar, give him/her a second chance to tell the truth. If he says something like “I did my homework” and you know he did not, offer to him, “I am going to give you 10 minutes and then I am going to come back and ask you again if you did your homework."
Dr. Carol Brady, from ADDitude magazine suggests using the “Preamble method.” “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.”
Don’t set up your child to lie. If you know the true answer, tell them that you know already.
Make it easy to tell the truth. When they share something wrong that they did, remain calm. Your angry responses encourage them to lie instead. And, then calmly make a plan to fix the problem.
As we enter the Yamim Noraim tomorrow, let us remember that just like Hashem constantly tells us, Bnai Yisrael- the children of Israel, it takes courage to tell the truth, and it is not easy to honestly admit what you did wrong. But, I will always be there for you no matter what. When you tell me what happened, I can help you. A parenting technique that we can learn from THE Parent and apply to our own families.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students received a Middle School Success Guide written by last year’s sixth graders and highlighted five tips that they were going to try to implement this year.
Seventh Grade: Students began the Preparing for Frost Valley unit focusing on the skills needed for teamwork.
Eighth Grade: Students began discussing the issues that impact their high school choice and started looking at the applications on-line.
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