Each year I tell my students as we approach Yom Kippur about the Yom Kippur my year in Israel. While I always found Yom Kippur davening meaningful in my shul growing up, something special happened that year. We davened in a yeshiva called Machon Lev, and as the Yom Kippur night davening came to a close (Kol Nidrei night) the yeshiva boys started dancing and singing with the most incredible happiness. One song after another after another.
It struck me. I was used to seeing happy dancing on Simchat Torah or on Purim, but on Yom Kippur?! It was then I began to realize that Yom Kippur is a happy day, not a sad/scary day. It is serious, but happy as we know Hashem will forgive us. One of my students, when I asked an extra credit question on the most recent quiz, why do Purim and Yom HaKippurim have similar names? She responded “Because both Purim and Yom Kippur are happy days!” I guess she got the message!
In fact, I found an article on-line from USA Today- “Don't say 'Happy Yom Kippur': How to greet someone observing the Jewish Day of Atonement” - by Carly Mallenbaum. I hate to break the news to you, Ms. Mallenbaum, but you are incorrect! “Happy Yom Kippur”- is actually pretty accurate.
The Gemara in Taanit 26b says it quite clearly:
אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים,
Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no days as joyous for the Jewish people as the fifteenth of Av and as Yom Kippur.
What do Tu B’av and Yom Kippur have in common that they are both the happiest days in the Jewish calendar?
Each year on Tisha B’av, since the sin of the spies, a group of Jews would die as it was decreed that they would not enter the land of Israel. But one year, by the time Tu’Bav came they realized that the decree was over as no one had died. Hashem had forgiven them. Likewise, Yom Kippur is the day that the Jews received the second set of the Luchot- the ten commandments- and they realized they were forgiven for the Cheit HaEgel- the sin of the golden calf. Both days of forgiveness and therefore happy days!
One might wonder, but we have no festive meals on Yom Kippur?! In fact, it says in the book Shaarei Teshuva 4:9:
The purpose of the fasting is to be like angels and focus on the spiritual and the seriousness of the day. But, we still need to have a festive meal to celebrate!
I believe that along these lines, instead of Yom Kippur being a negative day where we only focus on all we have done wrong, it is also meant to be a day where we become hopeful and focus on all we have done and plan to do right. (In fact, we know that the teshuva process actually begins in Elul, so by Yom Kippur time, we have actually started on self-improvement!)
As Rav Kook wrote in his commentary on Ein Yaakov, Ein Ayah vol. II, 405-407, Masechet Maaser Sheini 7:10,
...על כן, כשם שיש תועלת גדולה לתיקון הנפש בוידוי העוונות... גם כן בוידוי המצוות, למען ישמח בהם בלבבו, ויחזק ארחות חייו בדרך ה'.
Just as there is great value to refine one's soul by the confession of sin, it is also important to confess one's good deeds– enabling joy to penetrate the heart, and allowing the transformation of oneself in the ways of Hashem.
In reading HaMizrachi magazine I came across a “viduy-like” poem written by Rabbi Binyamin Holtzman, the rabbi of Kibbutz Maaleh Gilboa. It is not meant to be part of the actual Tefillah of Yom Kippur, but to stress the importance of “confessing” the positives of one’s life he modeled it after the viduy we say in shul.
We have loved, we have cried, we have given back, we have spoken great things! We have believed, and we have given our best effort, we have remembered, we have embraced, we have chanted Your book! We have created, we have yearned, we have fought for justice! We have done all the good we could do, we have tried, we have turned aside to see, we have done as You have commanded us! We have learned interpretations of Torah, sometimes we have even been righteous, we have called out Your Name! We have been steadfast in our will, we have rejoiced, we have been there to support one another.
In fact, focusing on what we have done right and the good in our lives, is another path to self-improvement. In the article “How Gratitude Motivates Us to Become Better People” by Christina Armenta and Sonja Lybuomirsky they discuss their research that uncovered that focusing on what you are grateful for and what you have done right can actually enhance your self-improvement. In one study they discussed, they asked students to list the goals of areas they wanted to improve in or accomplish in the next two months and then were randomly assigned to two groups. One group was assigned to count their blessings and areas they were proud of and one group listed their “hassles” and negative areas. Those in the positive group reported making more progress towards their goals.
Rabbi Efrem Goldberg, in his article “Yom Kippur: Don’t Beat Yourself Up, Raise Yourself Up” shared the story of a young man who was failing out of high school. He took the SATs and the score he received was a 1480 out of 1600- quite good! Then things began to change. He suddenly believed he was smart and began working harder in school. Teachers started treating him differently. He ended up after a bit in community college in an Ivy League university. 12 years later he received a letter from the SAT board that he was one of 13 people that received the wrong SAT score. But, the day he got that 1480 his life changed. Or as Rabbi Goldberg notes “What really happened is his behavior changed. He started acting like a person with a 1480.” He was treated like a boy with a 1480 on his SAT so he acted like one.
Many mistakenly believe that Yom Kippur is a day to beat ourselves up over all we have done wrong. No, he continues, “Yom Kippur is not about beating ourselves up; it’s about raising ourselves up. To use 25 hours for an honest look in the mirror, to admit the potential that is inside us, to regret the ways we have failed to realize it and to pledge to make our existence purposeful, meaningful and impactful”.
These words of Rabbi Goldberg, and particularly the story of the boy and the SAT score, really spoke to me as a parent. Each year we begin the year (and the school year) and we need to consider as parents, what message do we want our children to get- that they messed up last year and they had better improve? Or better to focus on all the good they have inside of them, all they accomplished last year, and then and only then, help them unlock their potential and help them see they can do more. There is always room for self-improvement. But, there is more chance for self-improvement if we help them first see the good they are already doing. As Rabbi Goldberg said- lets treat our children like they have already accomplished all that good. Only then will their behavior change.
So, I end with the words “Happy Yom Kippur.” May this year bring to us and to our children a recognition of the positives in our lives already, and the optimism to grow on the path of self-improvement.
Advisory Update:
6th Grade: Students set goals for this coming year.
7th Grade: Students continued discussion of teamwork and skills to work with one another.
8th Grade: Students continued discussing the issues that impact their high school choice and started looking at the applications on-line.
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