Seating charts are often the topic of conversation in September. Teachers begin the year with seating charts. Where to place each child in the classroom so that each child learns effectively (and some are not distracted by sitting next to their friends)? And, then there are the “unspoken” seating charts on the bus. While there are no assigned seats on buses (unless there is a difficulty on the bus that needs to be solved), do the 8th graders get first choice?
For those of us in middle school we know that getting to the lunchroom in time to sit at that table you want is definitely on each child’s mind. No one wants to arrive and see that there is no room at his/her table of choice. In fact, one year we had an activity where everyone was assigned random seats at lunch so people would interact with others and no one would feel the pressure to find a seat at lunch. Each year I have children who ask to not eat in the lunchroom as they feel they have no place to sit. They wish there was a seating chart at lunch! Sensitizing your child to these children is definitely an important conversation to have with them- making room at your table for someone who looks as if he/she is searching for a place to sit. (In fact, it’s a great lesson for us adults as well at smachot, and school/ shul events). Reach out and invite someone to sit with you.
And, at this time of year, every shul is busy with seating charts as well- Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur. Who signed up first and gets the more desirable seats? Or do you get to sit in the same seats each year? I know that in my family being able to see the Chazan is an important criteria for a seat and having a place to lean your siddur on during Tefillah is key.
The Gemara in Berachot 6b in fact says that in Judaism we do try to have a set seat for Tefillah- a מקום קבוע:
אָמַר רַבִּי חֶלְבּוֹ, אָמַר רַב הוּנָא: כׇּל הַקּוֹבֵעַ מָקוֹם לִתְפִלָּתוֹ — אֱלֹקי אַבְרָהָם בְּעֶזְרוֹ.
Rabbi Chelbo said that Rav Huna said: One who sets a fixed place for his prayer, the God of Abraham assists him.
Why? The Torah describes that the next morning after the destruction of Sedom and Amorah, Avraham Avinu went to the same place to where he had stood before Hashem before the destruction as the Gemara notes:
וְאַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ מְנָא לַן דִּקְבַע מָקוֹם? דִּכְתִיב: ״וַיַּשְׁכֵּם אַבְרָהָם בַּבֹּקֶר אֶל הַמָּקוֹם אֲשֶׁר עָמַד שָׁם״, וְאֵין ״עֲמִידָה״ אֶלָּא תְּפִלָּה, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וַיַּעֲמֹד פִּינְחָס וַיְפַלֵּל״.
From where do we derive that Abraham our father set a fixed place for his prayer? As it is written: “And Abraham rose in the morning to the place where he had stood before God” (Genesis 19:27), and the verb “standing” means nothing other than prayer, as it is stated: “And Pinchas stood and prayed” (Psalms 106:30).
Rabbi Aryeh Kerzner, in his article “How To Renew Our Tefillah” interprets this “makom kavua” in a way that hit home to me.
Avraham’s heartfelt tefillos for Sedom’s rescue were rejected. He was turned down. Nevertheless, he returned to the same “place” in tefillah the very next day, with the same fervor and devotion and trust in Hashem. He did not get discouraged, he did not lose faith. Avraham did not allow his human lack of understanding to stand in the way of his tefillah. He displayed the ultimate humility — the understanding that even when our prayers seem to “fail,” you keep davening, recognizing that Hashem knows best and is waiting to hear us once more.
And, so each day our students sit in their assigned seats at Tefillah in school. And, we can do the same when we daven as adults- whether at home or in shul. It is not just about keeping order. It is about connecting with Tefillah each day- no matter what. And, as we enter the time period of the Yamim Noraim, let us consider how a מקום קבוע can help us concentrate and connect better.
Another area of seating came to mind when I read an article last week called “Who Sat Where? And Other Suppertime Traditions” by Esther Leshkowitz. Leshkowitz writes about the importance of sitting together every night for dinner- even during the hecticness of the day to day. Whether or not there are assigned seats is not really essential. More importantly, that everyone is actually sitting together and simply talking to each other. So, in this case “assigned seating” means at the table all together.
Studies show that sitting down together to eat dinner (even if someone is absent) leads to better grades. Children who eat dinner with their families are 40% more likely to get A’s and B’s. It is a bigger booster of vocabulary than reading! They are also more likely to consume healthier foods with essential nutrients.
A study in the American Journal of Pediatrics reported a study done with almost 5,000 teens indicating that those who eat dinner with their family are more likely to have better mental health and be more emotionally strong, along with better self-esteem and lower risks of depression. Additionally, a Brigham Young University study showed that working parents feel less stressed when they sit down to a family meal at the end of the day- so it’s good for the mental health of the parents too!
Most importantly, in another Columbia University study it was found that 71% of teenagers look forward to catching up with their parents and other family members during these dinners. Family dinners lead to stronger family relationships.
In fact there is an initiative called thefamilydinnerproject.org, created by Dr. Anne Fischel, a clinical psychologist and professor at Harvard Medical School, which speaks more about the benefits of family dinners. She stresses that it need not be all the family members- as long as two family members are eating together and enjoying each other.
More important, of course, than the eating together, is the conversation that we have during that dinner. Leshkowitz said that not only should the children have to talk about their day, but the adult should do so as well. That encourages the children to open up. Some other ideas- highlights of their day, a good thing Hashem sent their way, or even reading a selection from a book to start a conversation. One idea quoted in the article is an activity called Rose, Bud and Thorn. Each person has to say a rose- a nice thing from their day, a bud- something they are looking forward to, and a thorn- something challenging that came up.
Fischel encourages triggers to get the conversation going- like a photo, or even telling a story about themselves when they were little. “Do you know what camp I used to go to when I was young?” Or one line conversation starters like “Can you imagine if you were an animal- which one would you want to be?” Or a discussion about current events or someone famous.
We all know how hard it is to commit to these family dinners- and it need not be every night. But, let’s try as often as we can. And, the good news, we as Jews have two meals in our week on Shabbos where we are guaranteed to eat together as a family and connect. As Pinchas Taylor writes in his article “Sabbath Meals”
Countless studies reveal the benefits of simply eating together and spending time with other members of the family or close friends. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University has time and again shown a strong correlation between children eating dinner with family and overall wellbeing. The studies from varying years show that the more family meals that children attend per week, the less likely they are to smoke, drink, and use illegal drugs. They are also significantly more likely to be emotionally well-adjusted and do well both academically and socially…
Dr. Margaret Chesney, Director of the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine at the UCSF School of Medicine, also says that those families that have religious practices or are highly spiritual likewise nurture these same positive results of wellbeing.2
Family meals also can be an expression of the cultural or religious heritage of a family.3 By participating in these meals, everyone present strengthens their connection with their cultural or religious heritage. Interestingly, a study from Emory University found that those who regularly participated in family meals that centered on religious or cultural celebrations had a closer relationship to family members, higher self esteem, and a greater sense of control over their own lives.4
Consider then, the power with all of these factors combined, the best of all worlds: eating together, without a television, phones, or iPods, and in a religious or spiritual environment. The sum-total of all of these positive effects on wellbeing are the most basic and practical gains that the Sabbath meal provides. With the addition of the spiritual element, the effect of the Shabbat meal is ever more lasting and impactful, satisfying not only the physical and emotional needs of the person, but also providing spiritual contentment.
So, as we begin a new school year, it is a perfect opportunity to begin new family practices and traditions. A set place for tefillah and let’s assign our family the task of sitting together each night, or as often as we can.
Advisory Update:
6th grade: Students finished a getting to know you activity to form a bond in Advisory.
7th Grade: Students considered their role in changing the world and themselves this year.
8th Grade: Students learned about the importance of Grit, a Growth Mindset and setting S.M.A.R.T. goals.
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