Peer Pressure- Essential For Your Teen's Success In Life

            Peer pressure. We dare not even utter those words in the middle school years.  We know that peer pressure peaks during this age.  In this week's parasha Noach is held up as an example of he who resisted peer pressure, "Tamim haya b'dorotav" “Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations” (Bereishit 6:9). In his generations? Why are those words added?  Despite the evil all around him, he was able to maintain his ability to do the right thing.  How?  Even at his birth, when his parents named him they said, “This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the Lord has cursed.” Noach was going to be special and be a comfort among all the evil.  Perhaps this symbolized that it was the influence of his parents which gave him the strength to resist.

 Or, as we know, the difference between Avraham and Noach was that Avraham sought out  to interact with others by spreading belief in G-d. In contrast, Noach primarily kept to himself.  That is one solution to peer pressure- just stay away from peers and keep to yourself.  Most teens (and parents of teens) would not want that way of life, as we know one's social life is essential at this stage of life.  

        What is the solution?  I maintain that perhaps we want our children to be more like Avraham than Noach- to surround oneself with peer pressure and use it for their self-development.  PEER PRESSURE IS GOOD.  (Shhh- don't tell anyone!)

        In the most basic and more obvious manner, we can use peer pressure and the intense social influence felt to encourage positive and appropriate behaviors. Teachers use positive peer pressure all the time to influence students, encouraging them to imitate the most studious and conscientious students. We call this in Hebrew, “Kinat sofrim” -envy of scholars. We want our children to aspire to imitate the positive behavior around them. That is why we send them to schools and camps where we know they will be surrounded by positive peer pressure.

  But, not only is positive peer pressure good for you. Peer pressure to do the wrong thing, may actually be good for you as well. In fact, studies indicate that teens who feel more of that peer pressure to do the wrong thing actually succeed better in life.  Professor Joe Allen, of University of Virginia, studied seventh graders and followed them every year for the next ten years.  He found that the ones who felt more peer pressure had "higher quality relationships with friends, parents and romantic partners."  He actually found that their need to fit in early adolescence later on manifested itself in the willingness to accommodate.  "The self-conscious kid who spent seventh grade convinced that everyone was watching her learned to be attuned to subtle changes in others' moods.  Years down the road, the heightened sensitivity led to empathy and social adeptness."  

        Dr.  Allen then demonstrated that the students who did not feel much peer pressure in seventh grade, within five years had a lower GPA.  Those children were also less engaged socially and academically.  Unmotivated by what those around them thought, these seventh graders also did not care much about what their parents and society wanted them to do.  Peers' influence can be an asset.  Peer pressure pulls students to do well in school, to not act childish and to become involved in athletics- all good things.  "We think of susceptibility to peer pressure as only a danger, but, really, it's out of peer pressure that boys learn to take showers and not come to school smelly," adds Dr. Allen.  

         The most important aspect of Dr. Allen's study was that the key is not pushing back against peer pressure by severing contact.  The key is maintaining autonomy when experiencing the pressure.  How do teens learn to resist the peer pressure of their friends? They learn this from their relationship with their parents.  Parents who raise their children to be connected to them and autonomous at the same time.  By allowing our teens to voice their opinions when they disagree- in a respectful way- they learn the skill of standing up for themselves.  The parent is ultimately in charge, but the child learns that he/she need not always give in without standing up for what he/she believes in.  "The kids who are really pushy and angry with their parents, they're still more hostile to their friends ten years later.  The kids who learn to negotiate with their parents- not just badger them, but truly negotiate- they could use those tactics with their peers and be effective at it.  So, when their friends say, 'Let's go back to the park and drink,' he suggests, 'How about we not...'" and provides a better suggestion.

It now makes sense that not all of our avot and imahot grew up in houses of tzaddikim. There is something about being exposed to peer pressure and resisting it that makes a person a leader and even more attached to their beliefs in G-d. I am not advocating that we send our children to live in homes of idol worshipers, as Avraham grew up. Nor, should we allow them to hang out with friends who are negative influences on them. We need to, however, raise them with the realistic understanding that they will face difficult peer pressure, and provide them with the skills they need to resist.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- This week they focused on the skills needed to have a good group discussion- essential for Advisory class and life!

Seventh Grade- They began their unit which prepares them with the skills they need for Frost Valley. This week, they looked at the skills needed for teamwork and the importance of communication skills.

Eighth Grade- Students discussed some good testing taking skills in light of their upcoming ACT- Aspire test.  

"How Was School Today?" Asking The Right Questions And Getting The Right Answers From Your Teen

This past Shabbat we read parashat Bereishit where Hashem models for us the parenting technique of questioning to elicit information.  First, with Adam Harishon He says, in Bereishit 3:9 “And the Lord God called to Adam, and said to him, Where are you?” "Ayeka?"  .  He clearly knows where Adam is.  Then He asks in pasuk 11, "And He said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree, which I commanded you that you should not eat?” Hashem clearly knows that Adam did eat,  and, yet, Hashem still asks him questions. Then with Kayin Hashem also asks a number of questions. First in 4:6, “And the Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry? And why is your countenance fallen?” Hashem knew exactly why Kayin was upset. And, then after he kills his brother, Hashem asks Kayin in pasuk 9, “And the Lord said to Cain, Where is Abel your brother?" Hashem knew exactly where Hevel was and what Kayin had done to him, and yet He still asks.  And, even after Kayin refuses to admit Hashem asks him another question in pasuk 10, “And He said, What have you done?”

On the most basic level, Hashem wanted to give them the opportunity to "fess up" and admit their wrongdoing.  Clearly, neither rises to the occasion.  As parents, it does model for us the importance of rather than running to accuse, to give the child the chance to express what he thinks he did wrong and why he did it.  The moment we enter a situation with accusations, teens shut down and are not willing to cooperate. When we as parents engage in a conversation where we do not give them the chance to offer an explanation or admission, we send the message that we aren't really interested in what they have to say, so they might as well shut down.  Yes, Hashem was clearly angry as Adam violated the only commandment he had, and Kayin committed the first murder.  He knew exactly what it is like to have your child openly disobey and then even lie about it.  However, Hashem was able to restrain His understandable anger to send the message to His "children" that they can repair what they have done if they are honest and upfront.  And, in fact, Hashem says directly to Kayin, “If you do well, shall you not be accepted?” You can do better and improve.

When children are young, they spend the day asking questions of us, “Why is the sky blue?” “How does electricity work?” As they get older, they stop asking us questions, and seek answers from the experts... their friends and the internet. But, there are so many questions that we still need to ask them.

"How was your day?"  we ask as our children get off the bus at the end of the day. “What happened at the party?” The only way we can get information is by asking, as they don't  offer details in a forthcoming way and as they get older, we get increasingly less and less information. "Fine," "Okay" or sometimes "Horrible" are the more standard responses.   How do we get more from our teens? 

There are some ground rules:

1. Make it clear that you value what they have to say. There's no point in their sharing if you don't value their opinions. Make it a practice to ask their opinions.
2. Comment on things they do right, not just on what they do wrong!
3. Begin with listening. Don't comment at first. Just listen. All distractions away.
4. Ask questions that help them explore further what they think, rather than stating what you think.
5. Make sure to be available the times of day that your child is most “available” for chatting. (For mine, it's always when I'm exhausted and have no patience left! But, I've learned to smile through it and keep my eyes open!)
6. Ask open-ended questions instead of yes or no questions.
7. Be specific. Instead of “Did you like school today?” ask “What was the best thing you did today?”  

In an article “28 Ways To Ask Your Teen 'How Was School Today?' Without Asking Them 'How Was School Today?” Liz Evans presents some creative ways of eliciting information from your teen. Some might fit your teen:

1. Where in the school do you hang out the most? (Like a particular hall, classroom, parking lot, etc.) Where in the school do you never hang out?

2. What would your school be better with? What would your school be better without?

3. If you were a teacher, what class would you teach? Which class would be the worst to teach? Why?

4. What was the coolest (saddest, funniest, scariest) thing that you saw today?

5. Tell me one thing that you learned today.

6. If your day at school today was a movie, what movie would it be?

7. Besides walking to their next classes, what else do people do in the halls in between classes?

8. Who do you think you could be nicer to?

9. Which is your easiest class? Which is your hardest class? OR Which class are you learning the most in? Which class are you learning the least in?

10. If they played music in the halls at school, what would everyone want them to play over the loudspeaker?

11. If you could read minds, which teacher's mind would you read? Which classmate's mind would you read? Whose mind would you NOT want to read?

12. If today had a theme song, what would it be?

13. Which class has your favorite group of students in it? Which class has the worst group of students?

14. What do you think you should do more of at school? What do you think you should do less of?

15. What are the top three (or five) things that you hear people say in the halls?

16. What do you think the most important part of school is?

17. Tell me one question that you had today, even if it wasn't answered... actually, especially if it wasn't answered...

18. Which class has the most cute boys/girls in it?

19. If an alien spaceship landed at your school, who would you like them to beam aboard and take back to their home planet?

20. Who did you help today? Who helped you today?

21. If you could be invisible for the day at school, what would you do?

22. What part of the day do you look forward to? What part of the day do you dread?

23. What would you change about school lunch?

24. Which classmate is most likely to be arrested, made president, become a millionaire, be in movies, let loose a flock of wild chickens in the library, etc.?

25. If you had to go to only one class every day, which class would it be?

26. Tell me one thing you read at school today.

27. If your day at school was an emoticon, which one would it be?

28. What do you think your teachers talked about in the faculty room today after school?

Most importantly, we can never give up asking questions, even though they may not answer in these middle school years. We thereby send the message that we are always there and ready for them and waiting for when they are ready to answer.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-

Sixth graders began Advisory this week. They got to know each other and their Advisors, beginning to form cohesive groups.

Seventh Grade-

Seventh graders were introduced to the “mission” of seventh grade Advisory “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.” They discussed how even they as teens can a make a difference in the world around them.

Eighth Grade-

Eighth graders were introduced to the theme of this year's Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” - skills they will need to succeed in high school and life beyond. They viewed interviews of graduates who expressed some of the challenges of 8^th grade and applying to high school.

Yom Kippur, Sandy Koufax and Teaching Our Teens To "Sit It Out"

As a daughter of a pulpit rabbi, with the coming of the Yamim Noraim, my antennae often picks up on a “sermonable” topic.  This Yom Kippur, I believe I have found the sermon- one that would apply to the observant and non-observant alike.   Many rabbis across the country will be speaking of the fiftieth anniversary of Sandy Koufax's famous  refusal to play in the world series on Yom Kippur.  Though not observant, Mr. Koufax was a source of pride for the Jewish community and gave Americans the ability to be “ more publicly assertive and to be less ashamed of their Jewishness. The decision of Koufax to do the Jewish thing so publicly and in such a quintessential American setting as the World Series pumped a new confidence into that generation of American Jews.” (The Jewish Week, “Where Have You Gone Sandy”).  

Unlike in the 60's, the issue of Jewish pride is not one with which our children struggle.  In Bergen County, our children walk the streets with kippot without a second thought.  They go to college and do not hesitate to approach their professors and tell them they will will be off for Yom Kippur.  The Sandy Koufax decision, I believe, can mean something different to our children.

On the pasuk in Vayikra 20:26 Rashi explains the words of Hashem to Bnai Yisrael, “And I have separated you from other people, that you should be mine.”  There he states, “Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya says, 'From where do we know that a person should not say, 'I am disgusted with pig meat, or it is impossible for me to wear mixed kinds (kilayim)'?  But rather he should say, 'I can, but what can I do, that my Father in Heave has decreed upon me that I may not.'”  Rather than say, “Pig meat is disgusting,” one should say, “I want to eat pork. It looks so delicious. I even crave it, but I am not allowed to eat it.”  A story is told of Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetsky that near his yeshiva was a non- kosher pizza store.  When walking past the store one day with his students, he stopped, “took a deep whiff and said Ah! It smells so delicious!”  I desire it, but I will overcome my desire in order to keep laws of the Torah.  (In essence, mitzvot like kashrut help train us to overcome our desires and not succumb to them).

Did Sandy Koufax want to play?  I imagine, yes.  But, what could he do,  his “Father in Heaven decreed upon him that he may not.”  

The Sandy Koufax story reinforces the important lesson for all Jews that the Torah has limits and part of being Jewish is realizing that we are lucky to be able to abide by those limits. How do we relay that to our teens? That topic can fill many blogs unto itself.  

For today, I want to focus on another lesson in the Sandy Koufax story. It is a lesson in “delayed gratification”- the ability to put off the receipt of a reward in order to gain a better reward later.  In essence, this entails overcoming one's desire right now realizing that one will benefit in the future.  In this generation of instant gratification- smartphones, googling etc, our children have a harder time saying to themselves, “I want this, but I need to overcome my desire in the present.”   Self- control is integral to this ability.

The famous marshmallow experiment done in the 1960's and 70's by the Stanford University psychologist Walter Mischel demonstrated the importance of being able to delay gratification.  Six hundred and fifty young children were offered a marshmallow and were told they could either eat it immediately or wait some time and get a second treat.  Years later, in follow up studies, those who could delay gratification were more “competent” and successful in life. Dr. Grazyna Kochanska, followed 300 children for almost twenty years to see how delaying gratificaiton and self- control impacting their lives. She found,  "Those who have good self-control are more compliant, more cooperative, have good harmonious relationships with their parents, good relationships with their peers, and they have good academic success."

This is the key to passing over the temptation of sin for the long-term reward on high.  Why is that task so difficult for some and easier for others?

In an article, “Why Some Delay Gratification While Others Give In?” by Janice Wood,  scientific research provides one strategy to better delay of gratification which is called  "'prospection,' the process by which people can project themselves into the future, by mentally simulating future events.  They can thereby imagine the future benefit.  This 'mental time travel,' also known as 'episodic future thought',  enables humans to make choices with high long-term benefits.”  This research was done with dieters, and clearly the participants who could imagine themselves shedding the weight were better able to resist the food.

Unfortunately, as parents of teens we know that the prefrontal cortex, responsible for future thinking and considering consequences, is still developing.  Teens therefore have a difficult time thinking about the future consequence of their behavior now.   “I want it, but what can I do, my Father in Heaven decreed I cannot have it” is a very difficult task for them.  

With the advent of technology, it has become even more difficult.  Annie Murphy Paul, in "The New Marshmallow Test: Resisting Temptations of the Web," writes of professor Larry Rosen who “asked students to ‘study something important,’ and then he chronicled incidents of distraction. After about two minutes, students' ‘on-task behavior’ declined as they began responding to arriving texts or checking their Facebook feeds. After only 15 minutes, they had spent only about 65 percent of the period doing their schoolwork. ‘We were amazed at how frequently they multi-tasked, even though they knew someone was watching,’ Rosen says. ‘It really seems that they could not go for 15 minutes without engaging their devices,’ adding, ‘It was kind of scary, actually.’  When sending students texts during another study, while watching a video of a lecture, students who delayed responding until after the lecture was over scored significantly better.

Rabbi Shais Taub, in his article, "Why Sandy Koufax Sat Out The World Series on Yom Kippur" shared that Rabbi  Moshe Feller  "visited Koufax in his hotel room on the day after Yom Kippur and told him, 'Sandy, more Jews knew when Yom Kippur was this year because of you not pitching than knew from a Jewish calendar!' I will go a step further and say that more people knew that it was Yom Kippur because Sandy Koufax didn't announce it and didn't pitch than would have known if he did announce it and did pitch. You see, because it's all in the not-doing, not in the doing. 

As counterintuitive as it may seem, the power of not-doing possesses a purity and a truth that doing cannot rival...Giving is easy. Doing is easy. Movement is easy. What's difficult is stopping." Rabbi Taub adds that in this age of information overload, we are constantly doing.

That is the importance of delaying gratification, self- control and simply stopping oneself from doing.  Yom Kippur is a day of refraining from the five "afflictions."  Sometimes we  need to hold ourselves back to focus on what is truly important. 

What can we as parents do to help our teens develop this self-control?  How can they achieve their “Sandy Koufax moment?”

. As parents we can

1. Starting from a young age make our children wait, take turns and not give in to their kvetching for something. We help them tolerate frustration.
2. We can encourage them to get involved in activities that don’t have immediate results but require practice
3. We need to model patience and ability to not give in to one’s desires.
4. We can ask our children to stop and think about the future.  
5. We can reward children for self- control.

As we approach Yom Kippur and contemplate how to make this year one of growth, let us reconsider the words of Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya,”I can, but what can I do, that my Father in Heaven has decreed upon me that I may not.”  Notice that he called G-d “Father in Heaven.”  That is the job of the parent who truly loves his/her child- to set limits, to say that you can’t have everything you want whenever you want it, and you need to learn self- control.  It is with love that Hashem has given us the Torah to help us attain the essential skill for life of delaying gratification.  So, too, with love may we help our own children achieve the same so that they may say, “I can, but what can I do, that my Father in Heaven and my parents on earth, have decreed upon me that I may not”- and may they realize that it is for their own good.

Rosh HaShana- A Yearly RESET Button

Each year I search for a light-hearted gift for the teachers who serve as Advisors in our Advisory program. This year I found the RESET button above. What a wonderful message for a teacher- a reminder that no matter what happens, there is a always a fresh new day tomorrow- both for the teacher and student. No mistake is irreparable. One can always start again and move on.

A few days after I had already received these buttons in the mail, the Yavneh Academy faculty was privileged to hear Rabbi J.J. Schachter on the topic of “The Blessings And Challenges Of Change: Printing, The Internet And Contemporary Society.” Rabbi Schachter began by quoting an article from The New York Times Magazine, July 25, 2010 called, “The End of Forgetting” by Jeffrey Rosen. The article begins, “Legal scholars, technologists and cyberthinkers are wrestling with the first great existential crisis of the digital age: the impossibility of erasing your posted past, starting over, moving on.” He continues that in this internet age we struggle with, “how best to live our lives in a world where the internet records everything and forgets nothing.” This phenomenon is different from the past, as he quotes Viktor Mayer- Schoenberger, “In traditional societies, where missteps are observed but not necessarily recorded, the limits of human memory ensure that people's sins are eventually forgotten.” And, so it is understood that people learn from past mistakes and can change. However, in today's society we cannot escape our past. Moving on is not so easy.” We, of course, stress the permanence of what we post with our students when we discuss internet and technology safety. Even adults often forget that what's in cyberspace is never forgotten.

Luckily, however, in Judaism a RESET button still exists. We call it Teshuva. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, in his article, “The Courage To Grow- A Message For Yom Kippur” highlights that Judaism was actually the first world system to believe that people can change and start anew to become a different type of person. As it says in Yechezkel 18:31, “ הַשְׁלִ֣יכוּ מֵֽעֲלֵיכֶ֗ם אֶת־כָּל־פִּשְׁעֵיכֶם֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר פְּשַׁעְתֶּ֣ם בָּ֔ם וַֽעֲשׂ֥וּ לָכֶ֛ם לֵ֥ב חָדָ֖שׁ וְר֣וּחַ חֲדָשָׁ֑ה"

"Cast away from you all your transgressions, in which you have transgressed; and make for yourselves a new heart and a new spirit.”

Press the reset button and begin again with a new heart and new spirit.

In Pesachim 54a it states that Teshuva is one of the seven things created before the world was created. In essence, Hashem created man with a RESET button. It is as if through Teshuva a person has the ability to go back in time and fix his behaviors. This ability is super-natural, as Rabbi Shlomo Landau points out, “so much so that its creation preceded the natural order of design.” As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks notes, “Teshuva tells us that our past does not determine our future. We can change. We can act differently next time than last. If anything, our future determines our past...Our Teshuva and G-d's forgiveness together mean that we are not prisoners of the past, held captive by it. In Judaism sin is what we do, not who we are.” As the Rambam stresses in Hilchot Teshuva 2:1, “even if a man transgressed all the days of his life, if he does Teshuva at the end, nothing of his wickedness is remembered unto him.” And, in 8:8 it says it is forbidden to remind he who has done Teshuva of his past sins. Clearly, as Jeffrey Rosen states, “Unlike G-d, however, the digital cloud rarely wipes our slate clean, and the keepers of the cloud today are sometimes less forgiving than their all-powerful divine predecessor.”

This message of the RESET button is one that relates to parenting as well. When we have an argument with our teen one night, he/she is entitled to a clean slate the next day and a chance to start anew. At times we feel torn about giving our children another chance. How can we overlook and start anew? Every situation is different, of course, but we never want our children to get the message from us that they are so bad that they can never change, or that they are a lost cause so there's no point in their even trying. Each day is a new day. RESET. You can do better and I know you will.

This is an important message when it comes to restarting the school year. Last year may not have been as successful as we had liked. It is a fresh start- academically, behaviorally and socially.

As parents, we are also entitled to RESET and a clean slate. We make mistakes and we need to learn to forgive ourselves and move on. No parenting error we make is irreparable. It is even more powerful when parents can ask for forgiveness, admit their mistakes and let it go. We are then modeling for our children how we would like them to commit to change. We are in essence imitating the behavior of HaKadosh Baruch Hu Himself- as it states in Eicha 3:22-23 “The grace of Hashem has not ceased, and His compassion does not fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Each morning He gives us another chance. We owe the same to our children and to ourselves.

That brings us to that Recall notice- the product may be defective, but we can only recall it and start again: (My thanks to Mrs. Sharon Risch for forwarding this to me).

ELUL RECALL NOTICE

Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."

Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:

[a] Loss of direction

[b] Lack of peace and joy

[c] Depression

[d] Foul vocal emissions

[e] Selfishness

[f] Ingratitude

[g] Fearfulness

[h] Rebellion

[i] Jealousy

The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Hashem, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required.

The number to call in for repair in all areas is: PRAYER.

Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Hashem, into the heart component of the human unit.. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:

[a] Love

[b] Joy

[c] Peace

[d] Kindness

[e] Goodness

[f] Faithfulness

[g] Gentleness

[h] Patience

[I] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, Hashem. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.

WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposes the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated.

Thank you for your immediate attention.

Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.

Making This Summer "Time Rich"

Today, on the way home from school, I stopped at the park with my younger children just because they asked.  And, even when it started pouring, we remained- in our raincoats. (Yes, that was my family you saw at the park on River Road in the rain!)  When do I ever have the time or inclination to just take a break and enjoy my children?  Usually, it starts the day before summer vacation.  No homework. No meetings to rush to.  No pressure to finish dinner by a certain time.  Life is good.   Summer is on its way. We have all the time in the world.

In the December 20, 2014 issue of The Economist appeared an article called “Search of Lost Time- Why Is Everyone So Busy? ” The author quotes John Maynard Keynes, a British economist, who wrote in 1930 predicting that in the near future  “‘our grandchildren’ would work around ‘three hours a day’, and probably only by choice.  Economic progress and technological advances had already shrunk work hours considerably by his day, and there was no reason to believe this trend would not continue. Whizzy cars and ever more time-saving tools and appliances guaranteed more speed and less drudgery in all parts of life. Social psychologists began to fret: whatever would people do with all their free time?”

The author points to a “time scarcity problem” which is ever present in today’s world- especially among parents. The reality is, that there is more leisure time than there was 40 years ago.  It is our perception that causes us to always feel rushed.   Time is understood in relation to money.  If one wastes time, one wastes money and therefore time is valuable. The more valuable something is, the more scarce it seems.  Even leisure time is full of stress, as one “feels compelled to use it wisely.”  He calls this “time poverty.” People are earning more money, but not more time to spend it.

Daniel Hamermesh of University of Texas at Austin coined the term “yuppie kvetch.”  Well- off families complain more of insufficient time.  The more cash-rich, the more time-poor one feels. This even leads to a “harried leisure class” whose leisure time does not at all feel leisurely.  And, being educated is not the solution either. Today, “professionals work twice as long hours than their less-educated peers.”

This leads to the need for immediate gratification, which we know plagues our internet generation.  If it takes too long- then we cannot wait and waste time. This is exacerbated by e-mail, smartphones and the necessity to respond immediately and always be on-call.  Constant multi-tasking causes us to feel pressured for time, according to Elizabeth Dunn at University of British Columbia in Vancouver.  Nothing ever feels completely done.  We hardly ever stop to consider,  “Time on earth may be uncertain and fleeting, but nearly everyone has enough of it to take some deep breaths, think deep thoughts and smell some roses, deeply.”  Peggy Noonan states, “Once we had more time than money in America.  Now we have more money than time. That is the difference between your child’s America and yours.”

I, with all the parents of school-age children, feel intensely the harried life described in the Economist on a daily basis- including weekends! Our children are pressed for time. We are pressed for time. And, we spend not enough quality time together.

Then there is summer.  The season for quality time.

When my children started going to sleepaway camp, I was excited for the once in a lifetime experience they were about to have.  (Please make sure to have those important pre-camp talks with your child.  As a reminder- here’s a column which outlines some essential components to this talk- http://parentingpointersfrohlich.blogspot.com/2014_06_01_archive.html)

But, I was also feeling that summer is actually the one time of year my children are not overprogrammed after school.  We can just go to a movie if we want. We can go to the library on a whim. We can even go for Slurpee on 7/11 and no one is worried about all the work that needs to be done at home.  Why am I sending my children away at the one time of year I can actually enjoy them and enjoy being with them? 

Even if we do send them off to camp, we do have weeks during the summer when the days and evenings are more free.  How can we make those days “time rich” and not “time poor”?  

Today, being Rosh Chodesh, we are reminded of the Jewish value of sanctification of time. We know the first mitzvah commanded to the Jewish people as a nation was, “This month shall be for you the first of the months, it will be the first month of the year"  (Shemot 12:2).   The value of making the most of one’s time is at the root of our nation. But, we are to sanctify it- how?  Through making sure it has true everlasting value, not monetary value.

I am the type that makes lists of things to do over vacation- I never really learned the fine art of relaxing.  I, therefore, am making a commitment to not feel pressed for time, and fill that time with enjoying my family.  I am going to stop at more parks, stop to smell the roses, and sanctify time.

Have a wonderful summer of time to enjoy and timeless memories.

The Power Of Words

 "Life and death are in the hand of the tongue " (Mishlei 18:21).  In this pasuk, Shlomo HaMelech asserted the power of our words.   Mightier than the sword, a comment can truly destroy a person, or of course, rebuild a person.  This theme was present in the past weeks in programs for Yavneh students and parents.   

  FOR STUDENTS:

"The Power of Words" is the title of a short video we showed our seventh graders when they returned from their visit to the homeless shelter in Hackensack at    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU .   It was a natural follow up from their visit, as clearly the main character is begging for money.  After they had the opportunity to meet similar types of people face to face, this video definitely hit home.  The students shared that they were able to see first hand the power of their words- how their simple conversations with residents in the shelter,  when they handed them gifts, lit up their faces and relayed the message that someone cares about them. 

         But, the primary goal of showing them this short clip was to lead to a discussion about the power of words and their impact on others in our day to day lives at Yavneh.  Periodically, we run what we call "Quality Circles" based on Dr. Rona Novick's BRAVE- anti-bullying program.   A Quality Circle is a chance for the student to discuss frankly, "How are we doing here at Yavneh at creating an environment where everyone feels respected and accepted?"   This time we wanted the students to honestly look at themselves and evaluate the words they are using and/or hearing in the hallways, in class or the lunchroom.  Are they words that allow everyone to feel safe and accepted in school?  If not, what are they doing as bystanders to make a difference?  We also show them the following short clip at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OIfGoNfm4w&feature=related      which graphically demonstrates the almost physical  power of the words that a peer can express towards a peer. 

        This message of the power of words that the seventh grade experienced was relayed in grades pre-k-8  in our school-wide "Good Word Day."  About a month ago, some 7th and 8th attended a Tolerance Conference and were challenged to bring back a program to their school to spread inclusiveness and stand up to bullying.  They came up with the idea for "Good Word Day"  where they created a video (If you haven't seen it already, here it is: https://youtu.be/ZCiVttGXhsM ) interviewing staff members and students what they  have done to combat bullying and what is their "good word" (a word you use to make others feel good).  Every child wrote his/her good word on a post it and it was hung with those of the rest of the students on our "Wall of Words" for all to see. They also wrote the word on a label they wore, thereby expressing to their peers how they want to be encouraged and supported.  (Congratulations to committee members Ellie Fried, Beth Gononsky, Daniel Hirsch, Daniella Holler, Lara Jacobowitz, Molly Lopkin, Brooke Newman, Keren Plaut,  Noah Schultz, Abe Spectre- Covtiz, and Coby Zwebner on an incredible day!)

            Our eighth graders then ended their career here at Yavneh by writing to their classmates what makes them special.  Students have the chance to write something positive about their friends to be placed on a label in the sefer they are receiving from the school at the brunch. We stress to them the power of the words they are writing, as it is an opportunity for students to look at their inscriptions and feel good about themselves. 

        This past Tuesday, the power of words theme was continued when two 7th grade students, Miriam Fisch and Gittel Levin, came forward to run our 2nd Lashon Hara Awareness Week.  Rabbi Furst spoke of the impact of Lashon Hara, and dedicated this week to the memory of his mother, a"h.   Students were asked to sign up for Lashon Hara free hours this week.  

FOR PARENTS:

     The power of words came to the fore again when Dr. Sarah Roer recently  presented a parent workshop on Raising Children With Healthy Body Images and Attitudes Towards Food.  The session was dynamic, interactive and practical. Parents benefited from directed Q and A in addition to her presentation.  Many ideas she discussed stood out in my mind.

        Dr. Roer first presented the dilemma with which we are all presented that we want our children to be healthy, but deep down-despite all we might say- we want them to fit in with image of beauty in the world.  Dr. Roer spoke of the importance of helping children regulate their eating from birth and eating when they are hungry. 

        She then presented how the power of one's words impact body image.  One particular idea that specifically stood out was that for middle school children, the voice that has the most power when it comes to body image is the parent.   Children with unhealthy body images or even eating disorders consistently point out to how their parents' references to their weight and their parents' comments about their food contributed to their difficulties.  Comments like, "Are you sure you want to eat that?"  "Do you really need another cookie?"  can make an indelible impact.  Additionally, the power of our words when it comes to combatting harmful media messages about body image, is essential.  Parents "need to be in the room" when watching television etc. to have conversations about positive body images.  In general, parents can be a strong voice in helping their children be critical consumers of media from a young age.   

        Parents' words can also be powerful as they set the rules for food consumption in the home. Dr. Roer said it is essential that the rules be the same for all children- no matter if they are "overweight" or "underweight."   A child should never feel that he/she is the "target child."  She stressed that the goal of parents is to never say any food is off limits- but just to talk about moderation.  Dr. Roer talked about the power of how we as parents frame difficulties our children might face in the conversations we have with them.  If your child, for example, struggles with math a comment from you like, "You know what? Some things come easy and some come harder.  You can be good at it, but you'll have to work harder."  Conversations like that are all a part of learning to embrace who we are.  

        What if your child says to you, "Look- I'm fat!" "When kids ask tough questions", Dr. Roer noted, "We get crazy.  We think when kids ask us something we have to know the answer and there's only one response.  It's a hard moment.   Don't say, 'Of course you're not.' Instead,  'That sounds painful- why are you so hard on yourself?'"  

        Some parents worried at the end of her presentation, "But what if I already 'messed up' and said the 'wrong' things to my children?" That is the power of rethinking your words.  Dr. Roer answered, "You can fix it. You can go back and tell your child, 'I've been thinking about it, and I said something I should not have..."  That is an "authentic parenting moment."   

        From the time of birth the power of the words of a parent is evident as Tina Rosenberg writes in “The Power Of Talking To Your Baby.”  In trying to ascertain why underprivileged children are already behind academically by the time they are a year old, Roseberg states that “that the key to early learning is talking — specifically, a child’s exposure to language spoken by parents and caretakers from birth to age 3, the more the better.” The stream of parent- to – child “baby talk” seems to be essential for a child. 

        Research by Betty Hart and Todd R. Risley at the University of Kansas, studied how parents of different socioeconomic backgrounds speak differently to their babies by recording an hour monthly of parent- child interaction.  “They were looking for things like how much parents praised their children, what they talked about, whether the conversational tone was positive or negative.”  They noted that children in “professional families” heard more words per hour than working class families, and girls heard more language from their parents than girls did.  And, watching television didn't help academic skills- it actually hurt.   Things don’t seem to change as children enter adolescence.  Positive tone, praise, and the amount of time we spend talking to our children impacts them as teens.

           When Man was created in Bereishit 2:7 Hashem blew into him a soul and he became a "nefesh chaya" "a living soul."   Rashi states that "nefesh chaya" is having the ability to think and speak,   or as Unkelos states, "ruach m'malilah"- "a spirit who speaks."  In fact, speech is the tool for creation, as it says, "And, Hashem said let there be..."   Rabbi Shraga Simmons adds that this indicates that "Through speech we can build individuals- with praise and encouragement.  By making others feel important, we build them up, as if to say, 'Your existence is necessary.' This is life- giving and life- affirming."  

        After these weeks of focusing on the power of words all I can say is "Let there be life!" as we give "life" to others through our words.

Advisory Update-

Sixth Grade-  Sixth graders finished their Advisory year with a Quality Circle (see above) and sharing tips for incoming sixth graders as to how to succeed in middle school.

Seventh Grade-   Students discussed the power of words through a Quality Circle and “debriefed” their visit to the homeless shelter. They also created Time Capsules of their seventh grade year to be opened in 2025. 

Eighth Grade-   Students finished their career at Yavneh with creating descriptions of their friends to be presented to them at the brunch, and filled out a survey of their experience at Yavneh to provide us with feedback.