This Past Week- Lessons in Empathy

 As we celebrate the last day of Chanukah and create memories with our children, we experience mixed emotions as we hear more details of the terrible tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. As parents, there is nothing more terrifying. By now, you have received some information from the school about how to discuss this tragedy with your children. The most essential aspect is to validate their feelings, assure them that things like this rarely happen and describe what their school has done to keep them safe- as they all know the lock-down drills that we have been having in school. As parents and teachers we are doing all we can to keep them safe from danger.

When we discuss the holiday of Chanukah with teens, it is interesting to note that many of them have never considered the danger that children were in during the Chanukah story. We tend to focus on the victory of the Maccabees and the Chanukah oil, without focusing on the years of oppression that impacted on even the children. For example, the game of dreidel. This game developed when the Jews were forbidden to teach Torah, and moved Torah teaching to the caves. When the Greek soldiers would pass by, the children would quickly put away their Torah books and break out the dreidels. Most of our children know this story. How many of them have stopped to think how terrifying it must have been to be a child in those days?

Then there is the story of Chana and her seven sons. Again, a story that our children have been told since they were small. We focus upon how Chanukah, unlike Purim, was an effort to destroy our religion. The decrees of Purim were more physical and that of Chanukah were more spiritual. Perhaps only as parents could we stop and think about the horror of the thousands of children whose physical lives were in danger על קידוש ה.

When I speak with teenagers about the story of Chanukah, I highlight those aspects, encouraging them to imagine what it was like to be a teenager in those days. Aside from leading them to a better understanding of the miracle of Chanukah, it encourages them to develop their skill of empathy. This is the ability to “stand in the shoes” of another, rather than simply sympathizing with them from afar.

Empathy is needed for the development of all prosocial behaviors and has been associated with self-esteem, positive relationships and imaginative thinking- needed for creativity and humor. And, of course, low levels of empathy have been associated with aggressive behaviors, delinquency and poor social interactions. (There has already been a plethora of articles written about the lack of empathy in the perpetrator of the horror in Newtown). Empathy is therefore the mainstay of our 7^th Grade Advisory curriculum.

As our 7^th grade parents already know, this past week, our 7^th graders visited the Hackensack Homeless Shelter and had the opportunity to converse with the residents and deliver warmth packages of hats, gloves and scarves. This visit was the culmination of over a month of preparation in their Advisory classes in a unit called “Operation Respect.” In their classes they discussed what empathy is, and practiced the skills needed for empathy so that they could in fact put themselves in the shoes of another. More important than learning the skill of empathy is the ability to have empathy that motivates us to perform empathic behaviors.

During the week of Chanukah, when much focus is placed upon, “What will I be getting this week?” students were asked to focus on another person rather than on themselves. What does it feel like to be homeless? Could I imagine the pain they must be going through? Now that I feel their pain- what am I going to do differently? I will quote what I wrote to the 7^th grade parents last week:

 “The students have been preparing for this visit for the past month, and
yet they tentatively walked off the buses excited and feeling
simultaneously nervous.  Moments later, when the first "guest," (as
residents of the shelter are called), entered the room our students
sprung into action.  The students had split into groups of 2-3
students and each group approached one of the guests, handed him/her a
warmth package and began to converse.  We had discussed in their
training in Advisory some possible topics of conversation and the
students confidently asked guests, "What sports teams do you root
for?" "What's the last movie you've seen?" or "Where did you grow up?"

Before we left,  Mrs. Julia Orlando, director of the Shelter,
addressed the students. She said that more important than the guests
receiving the hats, gloves and scarves was the feeling they had that
someone actually cared enough to have a conversation with them.
Especially during this time of year, when they have no homes and many
have no family  they have no hope. We have restored some of that hope
to them.

Students shared how inspiring the visit was for them. I was inspired
by watching our children.  This is the first time we have done this
visit during Chanukah. I think this was the perfect opportunity to
relay to our students that it feels wonderful to receive the many
gifts they tend to get this week, but it feels even more wonderful to
give.”

In discussing their visit upon their return, students emphatically stated that this experience in empathy will cause them to act differently, (at least for a time!). They will appreciate what they have more. They will remember how lucky they are to have a family and to have hope for the future.

Chanukah can be a lesson in empathy. (How lucky are they to live in a time period where teenagers are free to learn Torah without fear! Will I now view my Torah learning differently?). A visit to a homeless shelter can be a lesson in empathy. (Let us appreciate what we have! Will I now express my thanks more often?). Even a tragedy in the news can be a lesson in empathy. (Hug your family members tight and don't forget to say, “I love you.”). Our students have learned empathy is worthless if it does not inspire us on to action.