What Are Our Chlidren Seeing At The Movies?

 There's an old joke that Jewish people have Chinese and go the movies on Christmas Day. At Yavneh, our middle schoolers will have a Yom Iyun and a chesed opportunity. But, since we do have only a half day of school, perhaps some families will opt to go to the movies. The search for family movies is not an easy one.

Many of our teens are not going to the movies with us anymore, but are being dropped off at the theater with their friends. The decision of when a child is old enough to go to the movies alone with friends depends on the child. But, assume your child is old enough- how can we ensure that they are watching movies that we deem appropriate? I have heard from numerous parents that they are setting strict guidelines as to what movies their children are allowed to watch, and yet their children might say, “I am the only one who isn't allowed to see that movie!” Often our children claim that we are the only “evil” parents who restrict them, and we find that claim to be untrue.

Why are we so firm about the movies our children are allowed to see? The pasuk in Bamidbar 15:39 states,  "לא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם "Do not stray after your heart and after your eyes” . Rashi states that “The heart and the eyes are spies for the body. The eye sees, the heart desires and the body commits the sin.” That which we view with our eyes makes an indelible imprint on our life view.

Modern psychological research has substantiated the assertion of Rashi in Bamidbar 15:39. We all know of the plethora of research concerning the impact of watching violence on TV, movies or games on violent tendencies in children.

Most recently, in studies in both the United States and Europe, teens who have high exposure to scenes of alcohol drinking in movies are twice as likely to experiment with drinking and to binge drink. The same was found with smoking. Studies at the Dartmouth- Hitchcock Cotton Cancer Center in New Hampshire found that the more children were exposed to smoking in movies, the more likely they were to try smoking. If they got rid of the exposure in movies, the risk went down by 18%. Based on this study, there are those who are trying to get an “R” rating for movies with smoking.

Another intuitive area impacted by movie watching is the teen's attitude towards sexuality. A Dartmouth University study showed the kids who watched movies with more sexual content are more likely to have sex at younger ages and demonstrate increased risk taking when it comes to sexuality. In addition to promoting sexual behavior, it is also desensitizing our teens to the promiscuity and risque relationships that have become commonplace in today's society. When I run my “Adolescent Life” workshops with the middle schoolers we discuss with the 8^th graders, (in separate gendered settings), what is their view of what a relationship should be? We then highlight how much of what we perceive relationships to be is based on what we see on television and movies, and not at all realistic. What does the media tell us relationships should be like and how does that differ from Judaism's view? I worry that our young people are growing up with images of relationships that can only set them up for failure.

(Similar findings can be found with reality shows. The Girls Scouts Research Institute recently conducted a survey that girls who watched reality shows were more inclined to focus on their appearance. Such a focus puts undue pressure on girls who are already feeling insecure about how they look. Those who watched the shows also stated that “the shows are reflective of real life and that the antics, such as lying and being mean, are normal, acceptable and ultimately the best methods for excelling in life. Some alarming results: 73% of teens believed that the shows demonstrated that fighting is a normal part of a romantic relationship. 70% said the shows make people think it's okay to treat others badly. 78% said that gossiping between girls is normal. And 63% said it's hard to trust other girls).

What can we as parents do? Clearly, the movies our teens watch affect their social, emotional, and spiritual development. We cannot preview every movie before our children watch them. But, we can visit invaluable sites like: www.parentpreviews.com and www.commonsensemedia.org. These are just two websites that rate movies based on for what age is this movie appropriate? They discuss language, sexuality, violence, sex, positive role models, consumerism, drinking/drugs/smoking and positive messages. Such ratings are essential- especially for PG13 movies. With information in hand, we can make decisions for our children. We need to do the homework to oversee that our children are being exposed to media that “ teaches responsible, and ethical behavior.”

If all of us, as parents, are checking these websites before we allow our children to watch a particular movie, we will all be in this together. We are then not the evil ones when we see a concerning review on these websites and do not allow them to watch that movie. Let us help each other as parents and support each other.

Just to provide examples, there were two PG13 movies that a number of our teenagers were going to see and see their ratings on commonsensemedia.org. (I have to admit, that I have never seen these movies- so I am taking the concerned tone from parents who have shared their concerns about these movies with me). One movie “Pitch Perfect”- “Parents need to know that Pitch Perfect -- a winning musical comedy about a fiercely independent college student -- will give teens (and adults) plenty to like. Expect some strong language ("s--t," "b-i-t-c-h," "d--k," and one use of "f--k"), drug references, and underage drinking (though it's not heavily emphasized). There's also some kissing and lots of sexual innuendo and some sexual discussion, plus several jokes about a lesbian character's attraction to other women in the group. Although the young women portrayed here are, for the most part, strong and confident, sometimes a shaming word, "slut," is used to refer to them.”

Another- “Fun Size” Parents need to know that because Fun Size is from Nickelodeon Studios and features Victoriousstar Victoria Justice and her on-screen little brother, many parents and kids might assume that it's OK for young kids and tweens... The humor, innuendo, and violence -- however comedic they might be -- are inappropriate for Nickelodeon's TV audiences, though far less raunchy than R-rated comedies like Superbad and The Sitter. On the bright side, the movie does encourage teens to look beyond the superficial when it comes to romantic partners and to appreciate and look after your family and close friends. Expect some language ("s--t" and more), underage drinking, implied teen hook-ups, and some scuffles and threats.”

But, we do realize that we cannot always protect them. We need to talk to them about our values regarding sexuality, drinking and all of the above. If they have seen a movie with objectionable elements, we need to have a values talk after the movie. Let them think about what they have just seen and why it doesn't mesh with our values. We need to talk to them before going out with friends and set the guidelines, (i.e. we need to know where they are going, what they are doing, who they are going with- and even put it in writing, if need be). We need to have the names and phone numbers of all the parents of their friends. We also need to tell them that we have the right to pop by and check on them.

Rabbi Mordechai Willig, on the above words and Rashi in Bamidbar points out that in the pasuk, the Torah places the heart before the eyes, but Rashi reverses the order saying “ The eyes see and the heart desires.” Why? Rabbi Willig answers:

“Perhaps the heart does two things- one prior to seeing and a second, after. First, the heart strays. As a result, the eyes stray, as natural curiosity takes over. This is then consistent with the order in the pasuk, as "The eyes follow the heart" (Medrash Tehillim 14:1).

Much of the expanded range of vision presented by natural curiosity is benign. Nonetheless, inevitably one's lust is aroused by what the eye sees, and at that point, the heart desires. Occasionally, a person cannot control these desires, and the body sins, as Rashi explains.”

What Rabbi Willig points out is that the impact of what one sees might be changed by one's heart – one's attitude, values etc. As parents, we need to strengthen the hearts of our children daily with the values and ethics of our family and religion. If we raise children with strong “hearts” hopefully they will know themselves when there is something they should not be seeing. That is our goal- for them to know what is right when we are not with them to cover their eyes. As Common Sense Media says on their website, “We can't cover their eyes, but we can teach them to see.”