Chanukah Rivalry?

As we celebrate Chanukah this evening, I envision the Chashmonai brothers who united under the leadership of their father Matityahu. Five brothers, joined arm in arm, for the will of Hashem.  There is nothing like siblings getting along. Then, I consider this past week’s parasha of Vayeshev where we read of the sibling rivalry of Yoseph and his brothers. Why couldn’t they “just get along”  like the Chasmonai brothers?  (Sounds like something we might say to our own kids after spending Shabbos lunch with that other family…)

And, the story of Yaakov’s mistake in the treatment of Yoseph which led to this jealousy that “caused” this sibling rivalry,  seems so obvious to anyone who has taken a basic parenting class.  Showing favoritism to one child over another is a no no!  Yaakov made it obvious that he loved Yoseph more and gave him a special coat which gave him a special status.  Rav Shimson Raphael Hirsch points out Yaakov’s parenting mistake,

“That all was not judicious or wise, that Jacob should not have listened to his tattle, that altogether to show favoritism to one child had only evil effects in the history of our forefathers, as indeed it has in any home, is stressed bitterly enough in the pernicious results which are shown in this story.  They are weaknesses which occur only too frequently in people’s lives, but are nonetheless weaknesses.”

The Gemara Shabbat 10b similarly states,  

ואמר רבא בר מחסיא אמר רב חמא בר גוריא אמר רב לעולם אל ישנה אדם בנו בין הבנים שבשביל משקל שני סלעים מילת שנתן יעקב ליוסף יותר משאר בניו נתקנאו בו אחיו ונתגלגל הדבר וירדו אבותינו למצרים:

And Rava bar Meḥasseya said that Rav Ḥama bar Gurya said that Rav said: A person should never distinguish one of his sons from among the other sons by giving him preferential treatment. As, due to the weight of two sela of fine wool [meilat] that Jacob gave to Joseph, beyond what he gave the rest of his sons, in making him the striped coat, his brothers became jealous of him and the matter unfolded and our forefathers descended to Egypt.

And, even Hashem, the greatest Parent of all, “lo yisa panim” (Devarim 10:17), will not show favoritism.  But, Yaakov was a wise man.  Even more so, he witnessed firsthand the effects of a parent favoring one son over another, as Yitzchak seemed to favor Eisav over himself.  Why would Yaakov make this mistake?

One might consider that Yaakov saw Yoseph as the son without a mother- a very logical reason to pay more attention to Yoseph than he did to the other brothers. Rav Hirsch describes Yoseph as “a motherless,and brotherless youth. All the others grew up in company with brothers and under the wing and influence of mother- love. Joseph stood alone.  He had lost his mother early in life, and Benjamin was still a child and no companion for the youth. With his half-brothers he did not feel entirely at home and felt more drawn towards the brothers of the maids…”

 Often, as parents, we find that we need to pay more attention to one particular child whether due a disability, a health issue or an emotional need. That special treatment is very difficult for the other children who often come to resent those “special” children who get more attention due to their condition.  

Caroline Buzanko highlights three reasons why children are often envious of those children who need more attention:

1. Lack of parental attention- which is being lavished on the other sibling.
2. Differential attention-  there are different expectations from that child, i.e. when it comes to doing chores
3. Family functioning is different- they may be limited on the trips they go on, or they may not go out to dinner like other families etc.

Often we find the “typically developing” sibling may act out in order to get more attention. Others, may internalize and become more quiet and withdraw. Others become overachievers  whether to compensate for their sibling or to gain recognition.

In the case of sibling rivalry when a child is singled out for more attention,  it is important for the other siblings to receive accurate education and information about their sibling’s condition.  And, these conversations need to be ongoing and not just a one shot deal. Parents also have to plan intentional time with the other siblings.  It need not be an expensive trip, but even small gestures, says Buzanko, like notes of appreciation in their lunches- things to show them they are appreciated.  Additionally, it is important to not impose a caregiving role on the siblings. They should be as involved as they wish.   

In today’s society, in families where there is no need to favor one child, we are so careful not to show favoritism to any of our children. But, even we, enlightened parents of today, still catch ourselves saying things like, “Why don’t you clean your room like your brother does?”  or “Your sister came right away when I called you, why can’t you?”  Interestingly enough, not showing favoritism does NOT mean treating all children exactly the same.

Slovie Jungreis- Wolff, in her article, “Battling Sibling Rivalry” points to the sibling rivalry that often rears its head during Chanukah.  Why did she get a bigger gift than I?  Why am I always neglected? 

She differentiates between sibling disagreements and sibling rivalry. With normal disagreements, the children normally get along, and have fights and conflicts at times.

 “Rivalry is defined as a contest, competition, or conflict. We are talking about brothers and sisters who are constantly competing against each other. Life is one big tug of war, each side pulling against the other.

These children are constantly measuring and comparing:
“Hey! Why did she get a bigger piece of cake than me?”
“When I was his age, you never let me stay up so late!”
“Why does he get a playstation for his birthday and you never bought a gift like that for me?”

At times, that rivalry continues into adulthood, as Jungreis notes,
“I should’ve gotten that raise!”
“Why does my sister have such a great life?”
“How did my brother ever get that job? I am so much smarter than him!”
Such individuals never feel at peace. They are forever comparing and don’t know how to be content with what they have.

The root of  this rivalry is people seeing life through an “envious lens.”  We feed this jealousy when we treat each child the same- give them the exact size slice of cake, buy all the children toys at the same time and overall try to treat them the “same.”  This is the error! No one in life is exactly the same. This fosters the contest and it grows “uglier.” When we teach our children that no two people in life are the same- we have our own talents, dislikes and even needs they come to realize they don’t need what their sibling needs.  Jungreis gives a parable:

Being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. Nothing inside fits.
When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.

Parents should not help children eye the lives of others. Kids should know that every child in the family is appreciated for his or her specific individuality. We also should not encourage the tantrums and discontent by striving to make each situation equal...And part of being a mensch in this world is being able to look at others without malice.

Regardless of the ups and downs in sibling relationships, (even the Chashmonaim meet their downfall years later when two brothers fight over the leadership), it  is important to remember that research does indicate that having a sibling is good for you- it improves overall mental health, promotes altruism, makes you happier and even helps people live longer.  Hopefully, the Chanukah memories our children make with their siblings will be full of appropriate revelry and not rivalry, and  they will be content with the "luggage" they have received. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade Students began a manners unit on appropriate “etiquette.”

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the roots of homelessness (in preparation for their visit this week) and trying to understand the homeless as people.

Eighth Grade: Students discussed the high school acceptance process and learning styles.