Parents Unite! Don't Miss Our December 11th Workshop...Really!

“Mi lashem eilai” “Whoever is for Hashem come with me,” was the rallying call of Matityahu to unite the Jewish people. The best way to stand up to the Syrian- Greeks- physically and spiritually- was to unite.  No matter what influences were surrounding the Jews, when they united they were able to triumph.
           

As parents, we are battling many negative influences that permeate the lives of our children each day. Whether from the media or from the overall culture in which we live, we often feel that as they enter the teenage years we are in battle. The problem is that we as parents do not unite enough.   

Last year, as you know,  we were privileged to host a parent workshop on the topic of setting boundaries and limits on our children’s technology use.  I know that I need not spend any more time on this topic, but there was an important realization that all of us parents who attended left with that night.  During one piece of the workshop, we broke into groups according to the ages of our children  to discuss rules that we think we should put into place in our homes when it comes to technology use.  We had the opportunity to hear some innovative ideas that others are already implementing. More importantly, we got the chance to see that we are all in the same boat and struggling with the same things.  We talked about the ages we had decided to give our kids phones.  We spoke about how much easier it would be if we were all implementing the same rules, (with some variation), across the board so that we need not be the only “mean parents.”  Wouldn’t it be amazing if before we gave our children phones we parents would have a meeting to discuss some across the board regulations that we can all implement?  There is strength in unity.  Just swapping ideas was supportive and helpful.  We had the chance to unite.

The conversation should sound familiar.  

Your child: “Everyone else is on social media. Why can’t I be?”

You: “I don’t care what ‘everyone else’ is doing. You can’t.”

Your child: “Why are you so mean? You’re the only parent who isn’t letting!”

You can fill in the blank, but this is a common interchange between a child and parent in the middle school years and beyond.  Let me let you in on a little secret. Not everyone is on social media.  Not everyone’s parent is letting. And, you are not the only mean one.  The problem is we never unite so we do not know what the other parents are doing.

Over 20 years ago when I worked in a high school, a woman named Connie Greene, the Vice President for the Barnabas Health Behavioral Network Institute for Prevention, came to give a series of workshops in my school regarding parenting and substance abuse.  She would laugh if she knew that I remembered a comment she made.  She said (not exact words), “Parents, you need to band together and ‘plot.’ The kids are smarter than we are. They are banding together and ‘plotting’ already. You need to unite too.” 

We need to talk to other parents and not isolate ourselves. We need to investigate what others are doing, and band together.  There is strength in numbers.  At the time, when I was working in that school, we spoke of parents getting together to meet about rules for parties. Any parent that was part of that group or “pact” would be considered a safe place to send your child to for a party.  Why aren’t we doing the same when it comes to technology?

Tomorrow night, December 11th, 8:00 pm will be our chance to unite about the technology use of our children!  Parents left last year’s technology workshop, where Dr. Shapiro stressed that it has to come from the parents,  inspired to form parent committees to answer the question,   "What can we, as parents, can do to help and support each other to keep our children safe?" That was the birth of the Yavneh Academy Digital Safety Parent Committee. These Yavneh parents, in grades 1-3, 4-5 and 6-8, worked together to create age specific guidelines that we as parents can all implement if we choose to band together. Rabbi Rothwachs’ presentation, where he will keenly highlight the struggles we are facing, will launch the distribution of these guidelines by the parent committee. The beauty is that they are not school-created rules. They are parent-created guidelines to help support us as parents.

About four years ago two of the parents in my daughter’s grade sent out the following letter to the rest of the parents in the grade, (I purposely left out the grade so that it can be more easily generalized).

Before you know it, the school year will be starting and our children will be in _______ grade, growing up very quickly.

One of the challenges that we, as parents of today’s children, face is our children’s access to technology through iPods and cell phones.

From our experience and those of our friends’, these devices present a whole bunch of issues as the children get older, more savvy, curious and sophisticated.  They are constantly exploring, texting, and being distracted.  In addition, group texts and the inability of younger children (and sometimes older ones) to appreciate the permanence and effects of what they write or send can lead to social, emotional and bullying issues.

So, perhaps we can band together in an effort to help our young children face these challenges and consider delaying the children’ access to texting and having their own cell phones.  

While we understand that doing so would be an unpopular decision with many of our children, it would be much easier to take such a position if others take the same stand and our child’s friends also do not have a cell phone or texting capabilities.    “But everyone else has it or does it” or “I will be left out if I don’t text everyone…” becomes less of a legitimate concern.

As the children get older, we understand that there are certainly conveniences of having a cell phone for things such as calling from a bar/bat mitzvah celebration or while out biking.  To that end, some families have invested in a “family phone” that can be used by the child on occasion to make calls but is not available as a personal phone/texting device.   We are also not suggesting banning iPods or tablets but perhaps considering ideas such as disabling the texting and safari (or other internet browser), so as to limit the otherwise free access at all times.

Please consider the above sentiments and email us if you would be interested in getting a group together to discuss these issues as parents. 

When I received this e-mail- sent purely from parents with no involvement from the school, I thought, “Hey, why didn’t I think of that?”  While I did not have to agree with every aspect of what they proposed, I wholeheartedly agreed that it would be so much easier to set limits if all the peers in my child’s class had similar limits. What if we as parents united? I can tell you, from experience, it worked. 

Whoever is for Hashem come with me,” was Matityahu’s rallying cry. “Whoever is for strengthening our teens and implementing good values come with me!” is the parent’s rallying cry.  Let us unite and support each other, and thereby strengthen our children.

Please note that a piece of this column appeared in a previous year’s column, but its message was worth repeating before our iParent: A Roadmap For Raising Children In A Digital Era workshop tomorrow evening.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Knee- deep into our Hey Dude Don’t Be Rude manners unit, students discussed bar/bat mitzvah etiquette and proper manners, leading up to our mock bar/bat mitzvah to practice these skills.

Seventh Grade:  Seventh graders wrapped up their Operation Respect unit with a visit to the homeless shelter.  They performed a beautiful song and gave out gift bags with hats, gloves and scarves as they conversed with the “guests” in the shelter.

Eighth Grade:  Connecting to Chanukah they focused on materialism and what leads to true happiness.