Every so often, like the Sunday of Chanukah, when all my children have a day off without basketball, homework, bat mitzvahs etc. we make a trip to Williamsburg to visit Mima Laya. Mima Laya (Mrs. Leah Schoenfeld) is my great-aunt, my grandfather’s sister, who lives by herself in Williamsburg at the age of 92 (or so). Mima Laya does not have any children, so her nieces and nephews have become her surrogate children. My mother lovingly and loyally visits her on Sundays, brings her special treats, talks (very loudly) on the phone to her in Hungarian, and tries as best as she can to let her know that she is still loved. Each day, she takes a car service to the “Bazaar” as she lovingly calls it- a store of donated items sold for charity where she mans the cash register, still doing the math with pencil and paper. At one point she was able to walk to the bazaar, but as her health concerns increase, she can’t make the walk to the place which gives her purpose and pays $12 a day to be driven both ways.
To be honest, visits to Mima Laya are probably not at the top of my kids’ lists of what they’d like to do during their free time. But, they know it is the right thing to do, and graciously sit there and spend the time. Sometimes she will take out old pre-war photos of the family, most of whom were lost in the Holocaust, and we hear about the lives of my grandfather, a”h, and his siblings before the Holocaust. We even had the opportunity to interview her about her own experiences in Auschwitz. But, Mima Laya is a woman of few words, and simply enjoys the company.
These visits are more important for my children, from my perspective because, “American culture has a reputation for disregarding its elders,” as I read in John Leland’s book Happiness is a Choice You Make- Lessons from a year among the oldest old. While Japan even has a day called “Respect for the Aged Day” and China and India also are known to celebrate their elders, in America the elderly are often subject to ageism and stereotype. This supposed American outlook towards the elderly is contradictory to Judaism’s view of the elderly- as it said in Masechet Avot 4:13- quoting the pasuk in Vayikra 19:32
מִפְּנֵ֤י שֵׂיבָה֙ תָּק֔וּם וְהָדַרְתָּ֖ פְּנֵ֣י זָקֵ֑ן וְיָרֵ֥אתָ מֵּאֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ אֲנִ֥י ה’׃
You shall rise before the aged and show deference to the old (respect the face of the elder); you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.
You shall rise before the aged and show deference to the old (respect the face of the elder); you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.
About it is written, “and you shall respect the face of the elder” the one who as acquired wisdom” as the word “zaken” is an acronym for zeh shekanah chomchma- he who has acquired wisdom. The older they get the more wisdom they have to provide to us. In fact, studies utilizing scales of wisdom designed by Monica Ardlet at the University of Florida, indicated that wisdom does indeed increase with age. Those who score higher for wisdom also score higher for contentment. Wisdom leads to better decision-making and more realistic expectations, less disappointment when things don't work out. There is also a reduction of ego-centeredness with age. That is truly zeh shekanah chochma. Respecting one’s elders is a clear expectation in Judaism.
In his book, Leland spends the year gleaning wisdom from the elderly. As he writes, his year with them transformed his own life and helped him find happiness. Our visit with Mima Laya inspired me to highlight in this week’s column some of what Leland learned that year that I think we can apply to our own lives. (Much of what is listed below is in Leland’s own words).
1. Find fulfillment in the present for the future might not come. Happiness is the state of living in the present and not worrying about the future. The elderly, have a certain kind of peace and balance in themselves and are not anxious about what will happen the next minute or the next day. “Most of us live with this future every day, laboring under its weight. To think like an old person is to journey unencumbered.” Happiness isn’t something esoteric but an appreciation of the things already available in our lives.
2. Research actually shows that the elderly are more content and happy than we would expect. Older people consistently report in research as many positive emotions as the young, and fewer negative ones. Laura L. Carstensen, director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, states that the elderly have “socioemotional selectivity” “as they know they have limited time ahead of them so they focus on things that they know will give them pleasure and do not fret about the things they don’t have or might need. Young people kiss frogs hoping they’ll turn into princes. Old people kiss their grandchildren. Maybe old people live literally like “there is no tomorrow. “ They consciously make the choice to be happy even when there are reasons to not be. In fact, in MRIs, they found that the emotional processing center of the brain- the amygdala, fired more actively when they looked at positive images than negative ones, while younger brains reacted equally to both. Their brains resembled the brains of those who meditate.The elderly minimize bad times in their lives and seemed to recall the positive emotional experiences more than negative ones.
1. Find fulfillment in the present for the future might not come. Happiness is the state of living in the present and not worrying about the future. The elderly, have a certain kind of peace and balance in themselves and are not anxious about what will happen the next minute or the next day. “Most of us live with this future every day, laboring under its weight. To think like an old person is to journey unencumbered.” Happiness isn’t something esoteric but an appreciation of the things already available in our lives.
2. Research actually shows that the elderly are more content and happy than we would expect. Older people consistently report in research as many positive emotions as the young, and fewer negative ones. Laura L. Carstensen, director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, states that the elderly have “socioemotional selectivity” “as they know they have limited time ahead of them so they focus on things that they know will give them pleasure and do not fret about the things they don’t have or might need. Young people kiss frogs hoping they’ll turn into princes. Old people kiss their grandchildren. Maybe old people live literally like “there is no tomorrow. “ They consciously make the choice to be happy even when there are reasons to not be. In fact, in MRIs, they found that the emotional processing center of the brain- the amygdala, fired more actively when they looked at positive images than negative ones, while younger brains reacted equally to both. Their brains resembled the brains of those who meditate.The elderly minimize bad times in their lives and seemed to recall the positive emotional experiences more than negative ones.
3. We become what our environment encourages us to be. If the environment encourages passive helplessness, that is what we become. (With the elderly, if they are treated as “conditions to be remedied and not autonomous actors in control of their lives” it clearly impacts their progress).
4. Transcend material concerns and focus instead on what’s really valuable. Research by Lars Tornstam points out results from those surveyed ages 74-14 “Today I am less interested in superficial social contacts”. “Today I have more delight in my inner world.”. “Today material things mean less”
5. Become less self- concerned and more aware of being part of a larger whole.
6. Instead of being lonely, value time alone for contemplation
7. Sometimes taking and allowing someone to do something for you, rather than insisting on doing it yourself, is also a kind of giving. True generosity included enabling others to be generous. Acceptance whatever kindness people offer you, and repay with what you can.
8. Love like there’s no tomorrow.
9. Instead of stewing over your complaints, begin to consciously give thanks for things I took for granted.
10. Here is a lesson in giving up the myth of control. If you believe you are in control of your life, steering it in a course of your choosing, then old age is an affront, because it is a destination you did not choose. But if you think of life instead as an improvisation in response to the stream of events coming at you- that is, a response to the world as it is- then old age is more another chapter in a long-running story. This is a lesson that can apply whenever we face any challenge in life.
11. Never lose your sense of wonder at the world you’ve been born into. The world is full of gifts.
12. Some people are grateful seemingly as their default state, even when no one’s looking. Their lives aren’t necessarily better than other people’s but they find more reasons to give thanks for their small rewards. MRI studies of the brain when grateful indicate that gratitude is not just about receiving but also about reacting to the giver. It allows one to see the world as a benevolent place. It is not enough to know you have something good. You have to be grateful for it.
13. Realize the worst hardships are temporary, so don’t spend your days thinking of them.
14. Gerontologists consider the tendency to sustain mixed feelings, rather than try to resolve them, as a component of elder wisdom, a recognition that life doesn’t have to be all good to be good, and also that it never will be. The elderly view life with “happy in spite of” (a choice to be happy, acknowledging problems, but letting them get in the way of contentment), while we focus on “happy if only” (pinning happiness on outside circumstances- If only I had more money… if only I had a nicer house).
15. Accept adversity, don’t strive against it. We need to rescale our expectations to the world as it comes at us, rather than fighting against it. We often think that if only we undo the impediments to our happiness we can be truly happy. But, there are always more impediments, more reasons to not be happy now. `Impediments are the circumstances in which we find happiness.
16. It’s amazing how many “needs” the elderly can do without.
17. Try to be flexible, always recalibrating goals or what made a life worth living.
18. Attending to false needs is a lot of work. Once you let them go, it frees you to focus on things that are more rewarding and lasting. It also means one can stop feeling guilty about all the things you think you should be doing, but aren’t.
19. “Being goal-directed helps you stave off bad health outcomes”, says Patricia Boyle, a neuropsychologist in the Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center. It is important to sit down and think “What do I want my life to look like at the end of the day?” “What do I want my mark to be?” Find a purpose in life.
20. One of the elders noted, “Whatever I do this second affects what the next second will be. So I try not to do anything negative, which is my best insurance that the world will be better next second or at least not worse. But of course, my positive action may be undermined by 100 negative actions of others and so it may mean nothing. But I still have to follow that dictum. You can call it optimism.”
21. Have you ever stopped to think how amazing, really amazing, life is?
As Leland says he learned, “For centuries societies had relied on elders for these lessons and more. It was only in recent times that this wisdom went unheard. I wasn’t blazing new ground, but rediscovering some ancient connections. The blazing part was how happy the lessons made me and how I wished I’d learned them earlier...The elders’ gift to me was a simple one: a reminder that time is both limited and really amazing...Any turn might bring hot-buttered satisfaction or a trip to the ER; the challenge is to figure out how to live on the way to the bend. So often we measure the day by what we do with it… and overlook what is truly miraculous, which is the arrival of another day....The good things in life- happiness, purpose, contentment, companionship, beauty, and love- have been there all along. We don’t need to earn them… We just need to choose them as our lives.”
Rabbi Boruch Leff explains why the elderly have this incredible wisdom by quoting the Maharal. He states that the physical forces are weaker with an older person, and they are consequently not prey to their physical instincts a young person might be. Therefore, the soul then becomes the “influential drive” in their lives as “divinely given intelligence gains control over the base instincts.” The elderly are then deserving of our respect.
As I read Leland’s book., and thought about that “chochma” the elderly acquire and the mitzvah to respect them, I considered the importance of schlepping our kids to the “Mima Layas” in our lives. And, all this with the AARPs recent study that 1/3 of Americans report chronic loneliness, and isolation is "about as deadly as smoking." We all have Mima Layas- whether in our families, on our block, or in the local nursing home. How often do we take the time to learn the wisdom from the elderly that can help us live life more meaningfully and happily?
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade:
Students learned about the middle school report card, predicted what grades they think they have earned and discussed how to discuss their report cards with their parents.
Seventh Grade:
Students took some time to apply what they learned at the homeless shelter to how they treat others in their lives, particularly when it comes to standing up for what is right when it comes to bullying.
Eighth Grade:
The lesson launched the piece of Advisory which will focus on “real life in high school.”
No comments:
Post a Comment