FOMO, Posting and Teen Loneliness

            “A bride who upon being presented with jewelry by her groom in the yichud room promptly took a selfie and sent it out. At the very moment she should have been laying the foundation for a life with her new husband that is shared only by them and out of sight of the entire world, she was inviting the entire world into their private space.”  This truly has gone too far, as Yonatan Rosenblum writes in his article “Our Children Are Begging Us To Stop.”  Even the privacy of the Yichud room is posted for the world to see. We are living in a world where if it hasn’t been posted it hasn’t happened.

            The impact of this constant posting of photos of events, sleepovers, parties, trips to the mall etc. has had a terrible impact on our teens and the constant feeling of being left out.  It is no wonder that from 2007 to 2015 teen suicide has jumped 300% among girls and 200% among boys.  (There may be other reasons for that, which I plan to discuss at a different time, but most definitely the sadness caused by being left out plays a tremendous role).  FOMO is a constant worry for our children.  FOMO- fear of missing out was added to the Oxford English dictionary in 2013 “anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on a social media website.”  When viewing the posts of events to which he/she was not invited, the person assumes that it must be because of his/her low social status.  We all know that as children we also were not always invited. But, we often did not find out about it and definitely not  in real-time

FOMO is a significant component of social media anxiety experienced by our teens. As Sherri Gordon writes in her article “How FOMO Impacts Teens And Young Adults” “The problem is that incessant worrying about what everyone else is doing only causes teens to miss out on their own lives even more. In fact, FOMO causes people to keep their attention focused outward instead of inward. This, in turn, may cause them to lose their sense of identity and to struggle with low self-esteem. But worse yet, when they are struggling with FOMO, that means they are so focused on what others on doing that they forget to live their own lives.”  Research has shown that the more people use social media the worse they feel minute to minute. 60% of teens say they worry their friends are having fun without them.  51% say they are anxious that they don’t know what their friends are doing. And, this anxiety comes from worry about their friends!   There is a most definite correlation between the amount of time spent on social media and anxiety and depression.  This constant social media posting leads to less satisfaction with their lives and loneliness. 

Amanda Lenhart in her 2015 Pew study of teens, technology, and friendships reveals a range of social media-induced stressors:
-Seeing people posting about events to which you haven’t been invited
-Feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about yourself
-Feeling pressure to get comments and likes on your posts
-Having someone post things about you that you cannot change or control

Research from the 2015 study, #Being Thirteen: Social Media and the Hidden World of Young Adolescents’ Peer Culture, finds that, “Young adolescents care deeply about being included by peers, and at this developmental stage, most have one peer group on which they stake their souls: peers at school. If they see something on social media suggesting that they are not included in this group, the stakes are high and young adolescents can quickly become anxious and desperate.” Study data shows that “one in five (13-year-olds) checks social media in order to make sure that no one is saying anything mean about them. More than one-third check to see if their friends are doing things without them.”

I have already had a child express upset about the upcoming New Year’s celebrations which he knows he won’t be invited to, and knows will be posted for all to see.  How does he even know these events are happening? His peers have already started posting about these parties… that haven’t even happened yet.  (This conversation is actually what prompted me to write this article).

What can we do as parents?  The first and most essential item is stress to your children how hurtful it is to other children when they are posting photos of an event to which others are not invited.  As adults, such posting can also be hurtful, how much more so for teens.  We also should model that “non-posting” behavior in front of our teens. When we are getting together with a select few, or our children are,  let’s not post.  Encourage your child to be an “upstander” and not be a part of the posting that perpetuates that FOMO. 

When our children do see that post and feel left out, acknowledge that it is normal to feel left out. Let us help our teens view social media with a skeptical eye. Of course, not everyone is having the time of their lives at all times.  Whatever we can do to distract our children from constant social media watching is a huge help, or even scheduling specific times when they are allowed to check. (Stay tuned for more on limiting device time in the next weeks).

And, to quote myself from a previous column, “I know I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating.  Social media is a powerful tool when it comes to social exclusion.  Snapchat, instagram- again, without directly being “mean” to another, one can hurt others.  Every time a child posts a photo of party he’s gone to or a shopping expedition with friends, another realizes he was left out.  I am not saying that one is not entitled to go out with a few friends. But, why wound those who were not invited?   ‘I thought I was her friend. But, then I realized I must not be, as everyone was there except for me.’  How hurtful can one be?”  We know that not everyone will be invited to every New Year’s party- but no need to rub the faces of the other children in the fact that they weren’t invited.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Now that they received their report cards, they set goals for the coming trimester.

Seventh Grade:  Students began their unit “When Life Gives You Lemons” and began discussing resiliency.

Eighth Grade: Students began a unit of parent-child relationships.