As a parent, I have spent many hours in waiting rooms. The other day I was reflecting with a friend of mine how my waiting room behaviors have drastically changed over the years. I used to come with a book to read, an activity to do with my child, but now I spend most of the time on my phone catching up on e-mails. (That is when I am not finishing davening!) Being in a waiting room used to be my time to disconnect and breathe. Now, I find myself unable to do so.
I recently read an article by Rabbi Emanuel Feldman called “The Waiting Room.” He humorously notes that the waiting room in his barber shop in Jerusalem has sefarim for Talmud Torah, so much so that “some men are beginning to choose their barbers on the basis of the classical sefarim that are available, rather than the skill of the barber. (Which might explain why Torah scholarship is on the increase, while so many beards are in disarray).” He goes on to say that the same has begun to happen in the auto mechanics’ waiting rooms. Rabbi Feldman continues that life is in actuality one big waiting area. We are constantly waiting- whether for a train, a vacation day etc. We are in “never-ending waiting mode,” with the ultimate waiting- for the Mashiach “achakeh lo b’chol yom sheyavo” - I wait for him each day that comes. We are not judged by our ability to wait patiently, but what we do while we are waiting. I was reminded of a story I once read of a physician who worked at the top floor of a tall building. Since he spent so much time in the elevator, he used to take out a sefer to learn as he went up and down each day. He ended up making a siyum on that which he only learned while waiting in the elevator.
Rabbi Feldman refers to the Mishna in Avot 4:21 “This world is a vestibule/antechamber leading to the inner chamber, which is the World To Come. Prepare yourself in the vestibule so you can gain admission into the banquet hall- the Next World.” While we wait there are numerous distractions and temptations and we need to choose what we plan to do in the waiting room. “Do we choose immediate gratification? Readily available. Thoughtful corner? Right over there...Whatever one desires- from right and wrong, to fun and games, to serious introspection- is available within easy reach in This World.” There are so many choices. No wonder we get disoriented.
I often see middle school as the “vestibule” or “waiting room” years. Outgrowing childhood, and entering adulthood- neither here nor there. As our children become true middle schoolers, they still rely on us, but thirst for independence- neither here nor there. They still hold on to aspects of concrete thinking, while moving towards abstract thinking. Those of us who have had 7th graders before can see the transition that magically happens between sixth and eighth grades that year. They are not children. They are not teenagers. They are “tweens” just waiting to grow up.
Rabbi Feldman stresses that the time spent waiting need not be frustrating nor a waste of time. It can be a time of learning, growth and development. Likewise, I believe that the middle school years are the most important developmentally and in no way just biding time until our children grow up. The middle school years are critical when it comes to academic readiness and readiness for life.
Thinking back to all those years in the waiting room, I would often watch how parents interact with their children. Although, I do believe it is important not to judge the parenting style of another based on one observation, one might be able to gain some insight into a person's parenting style by how they “handle” that waiting room time, notes the article “The Parenting Style Continuum” on the website Family Education. They identify their own creative categories of parenting. The bossy parent is the one who yells at his child in the waiting room. His word is law and rarely gives reasons for the behavior expected. He often threatens the child. Children of bossy parents tend to follow orders when their parents are around, but do not internalize the behaviors.
The opposite of the bossy parent is the wimpy parent. This parent never asserts herself in the waiting room and allows her child to run wild. She may threaten consequences but never follows through.
Then there is the “strong and reasonable parent”- authoritative without being authoritarian. He is good at setting limits and applying appropriate consequences, but his children know that he is reasonable and will always love them and be on their side no matter what.
The same three types of parenting styles are evident in the “waiting room” of the middle school years. Research clearly indicates that authoritative parenting is the most effective form of parenting. Children raised by authoritative parents are the most well- adjusted, creative, curious and motivated to succeed. They also grow with competent social skills, have self-control, are independent and confident. There is a fine balance between being responsive- understanding, warm and empathic, and demanding- setting appropriate limits, boundaries and expectations suited for the developmental stage of the child.
There is one more item we learn about parenting from the “waiting room,” as noted in “From Waiting To Relating: Parents’ Experiences In The Waiting Room Of An Occupational Therapy Clinic” a research study. They studied parents as they waited as their children received occupational therapy. They noticed that these parents formed a sort of support group for each other and naturallly gave and received support for parenting children with sensory integrative dysfunction. Parents need and benefit from that mutual support when raising their children and the waiting room phenomenon demonstrated that need. This waiting room research points to another key to parenting successfully in the middle school years- seeking out the support of parents who are going through it at the same time.
Rabbi Dovid Rosenfeld in his commentary on Avot 4:21, quotes Rabbi Zelig Pliskin.
Scenario #1: You are a new employee, first day on the job. Your new boss is pestering and annoying you to no end — with poorly-defined tasks, outbursts, criticism, provocation. Your attitude: “What do I need this for? This is unbearable! Why did I take this stupid job? Who needs it?” The type of anger and frustration many of us are unfortunately all too familiar with.
Scenario #2: The exact same as scenario #1, with one crucial difference: A new coworker quietly comes over to you at the start of the day with the following warning: “The position this company actually wants to fill is that of vice president. It is a top position, one of the most pivotal, influential and high-paying in the company. However, it carries with it a lot of pressure. The owners are looking for a person who has what it takes to handle the kind of pressure, frustration, deadlines and juggling of responsibilities it will entail. Today they will be checking you out to see if you can remain cool and composed under those types of circumstances.”
Hmmm… VP? The position you’ve been dreaming of climbing to ever since you embarked on your career? What will your response be to the provocations and intimidation of your new boss be now? Eager anticipation! “Lay it on me! Let me show what I’m made of! This is my big chance!”
This is life. Life is a preparation for the world to come. The challenges of life “refine, toughen and purify us for our ultimate meeting.” And, as a parent of a middle schooler, I often remind myself of the “banquet” that is awaiting. It may be tough now, at times, but I eagerly look forward to the wonderful adult my child will one day be.
As we approach the chag of Purim, Rabbi Mordechai Gifter, ztl referred to our mishna in Avot about the vestibule in preparation for the banquet hall again. Geulah, and the light of redemption is the banquet hall. The murkiness of this world, when the hand of G-d is hidden, that is the vestibule. It is possible to see the light of the banquet hall shining through while still in the vestibule waiting. In fact, is it incumbent on all of us to search for that shimmer of light even while still in the vestibule. That is our ability to recognize the Divine even when there are no obvious miracles.
So many messages from a simple waiting room. The wait typically is seen as a waste of time. Next time you find yourself waiting, or raising a middle schooler who is going through the “waiting years,” contemplate the deep meaning of the waiting room, and consider, “How can this waiting room experience help me grow? What am I doing while I am waiting? Am I doing everything I can to develop while I wait?”
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed how to effectively partner with another child in group work and what to do when you have a hard time getting along with your partner.
Seventh Grade: Boys discussed the dangers of gambling, as March Madness begins. Girls talked about girls’ aggression.
Eighth Grade: Students began a unit on Substance Abuse and focused on the damage substances can do to your brain.
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