Snowplow Parenting

            Since the scandal of parents bribing SAT proctors and paying coaches to get their children into college has erupted the media has also erupted in reaction to the New York Times  article “How Parents Are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood” by Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich. “Today’s ‘snowplow parents’ keep their children’s futures obstacle-free — even when it means crossing ethical and legal boundaries.”  Miller and Bromwich say that snowplow parenting is more prevalent with the affluent as they are like “machines chugging ahead, clearing any obstacles in their child’s path to success, so they don’t have to encounter failure, frustration or lost opportunities.”   The parents in this scandal wanted to pave the way for their children to get into the colleges of their choice, without having to face rejection. 

 Dr. Madeline Levine, author of “Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More Than Grades, Trophies or ‘Fat Envelopes’” notes that she often confronts freshmen in college who are not equipped to cope with everyday challenges without their parents plowing the way for them.  The examples she provides are unbelievable- the child who never had food with sauce as her mom in the past had even called friends’ houses before she ate there to let them know she doesn’t like sauce on her food.   And, of course, the ones who never learned to study on their own, so could not make it in school.  These parents have it “backwards” as Julie Lythcott-Haims says, “The point is to prepare the kid for the road, instead of preparing the road for the kid.”

            As I read of the stories in this article, I was reminded of what an acquaintance of mine who is now an executive director in an Israel yeshiva.  He shared that now that the students have phones, (which we did not have when we went for the year- remember the asimonin?),  he will get phone calls from parents in the U.S. that their daughter's toilet is stuffed.  This snowplowing is exacerbated by the constant contact we have with our children. 

            A poll by the New York Times and Morning Consult of parents of children ages 18 to 28,said that  three-quarters had made appointments for their adult children, like for doctor visits or haircuts, and the same share had reminded them of deadlines for school. Eleven percent said they would contact their child’s employer if their child had an issue. Sixteen percent of those with children in college had texted or called them to wake them up so they didn’t sleep through a class or test. Eight percent had contacted a college professor or administrator about their child’s grades or a problem they were having.

            When we snowplow parent we do not allow our children to “fail forward” as  Dr. Argie Allen-Wilson said on the Today’s Show following the publishing of the New York Times article. “When we fail, that gives you fuel in order to be motived for not if, but when the next curveball comes.”

            We may not be “snowplow parents” but there have been a number of other parenting styles or labels identified. I am listing some here for your “entertainment.” (And, you can find these in numerous articles!)

• The lawnmower parent. This one is similar to the snow plow parent as he/she mows down all the child’s obstacles, struggles or even discomforts. Originating in a post by a teacher  The teacher author shared a story of being called to the office, expecting to retrieve a student's forgotten meal money or inhaler. Instead, a sheepish parent in a suit was dropping off an expensive water bottle after repeated texts from a child. Water fountains exist all over the school.
• The helicopter parent- This parent is constantly hovering and overprotective.  While the snowplow parent may not do their child’s schoolwork for him, the helicopter parent may.
• The tiger parent. This parenting style is the tough love, authoritarian style found in Amy Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.  For this parent, academics are definitely seen to be more important than free time.
• The elephant parent. This parenting style seems to be the opposite of the tiger parent. This parent is always supportive, encouraging and even coddling,and is meant for children when they are very young.  Emotional security is seen as a priority.
• Free- range parenting- Free -range parenting is a parenting philosophy where children are raised with less parental supervision to accept realistic risks meant to be consistent with the child’s developmental age. It is often seen as the opposite of “helicopter parenting.”
• Bubblewrap parenting. These parents are often anxious themselves and often model avoidance to their children- as they avoid challenges and stress as a coping strategy.  Children of bubblewrap parents tend to be anxious as well.
• The jellyfish parent. These parents have few rules and overindulge their children.  This term was coined by Dr. Shimi Kang in her article: The Dolphin Way: A Parent's Guide to Raising Healthy, Happy, and Motivated Kids Without Turning Into a Tiger.  These are too permissive and their children have little self- control.
• The dolphin parent. “The dolphin parent is the balance of these two extremes (the tiger and the jellyfish) and are authoritative in nature. Like the body of the dolphin, they are firm yet flexible. Dolphin parents have rules and expectations but also value creativity and independence. They are collaborative and use guiding and role modeling to raise their kids.”

Phew! I’m exhausted by simply reading this list.  No worries- the kind of parenting we are doing is not at all on this list!  Or, perhaps we have bits and pieces of each one depending on the day.

            I think the most important piece to keep in mind is that overprotective parenting tends to promote a lack of confidence in our children. And, clearly, none of us fit into one category. Chances are, our parenting styles are a combination of many of them.  But, how can we tell the difference between providing necessary help and being a  lawnmower/snowplow/bubble wrap etc. parent?   How can we balance encouraging independence while at the same time being there to support them?  In some ways, we need to follow their lead and see if they are ready to go on their own. If they are a bit ready, let us help them go further.  I also try to ensure that my support empowers them at the same time.  Most importantly, I need to let go of the outcomes and consider whether I am helping them so that the outcome will be perfect?  Am I overly focused on the failures and successes of my children? If I am exhibiting controlling behavior and limiting their independence, then that is a sign that perhaps I need to take a step back.

            Research has indicated that “authoritative parenting,” as noted by Dr. Diana Baumrind, is the most beneficial for most children. As Dr. Denise Pope and Dr. Madeline Levine, Challenge Success Co-Founders note that authoritative parenting is  characterized by high responsiveness shown through warmth, love, and support, and high expectations shown by enforcing clear, consistent boundaries.   Research shows that this more balanced approach that combines nurturing encouragement and sensible limits is linked to development of characteristics that most parents want for their children such as intrinsic motivation, resilience, creativity, and persistence.”  It is just that they have not yet found a “cute” name for this kind of parenting- perhaps that is why it doesn’t often make The New York Times?

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders have begun speaking about what to do if you have a conflict with a friend?

Seventh Grade;  Students have continued delving into the BDS movement and their claims.  This past Friday they were privileged to hear from Mr. Jason Greenblatt, assistant to the President, about the Golan Heights declaration and how they can make a difference in standing up for Israel.  

Eighth Grade:  As part of their unit on addiction, the dangers of smoking were focused upon.

I look forward to seeing all of you on Thursday evening April 4  for an interactive evening presented by the Bergen County Prevention Coalition- Hidden in Plain Sight at Ben Porat Yosef School, 243 Frisch Ct, Paramus at 8 pm (doors open at 7:45 pm).