The Daily Masks We Wear

On Purim, many of use wear all sorts of masks to disguise ourselves. There are a number of reasons suggested as to why we do so, the most common one being an allusion the hidden nature of the Purim miracle.  Michael Gourarie notes another reason in his article, “Unmasking.”  He begins that Purim is the holiday of joy- real joy, not a hedonistic or wild joy.

The boundaries that are broken with real joy are the barriers and fences that separate us from each other. The happiness allows us to develop a different perspective on ourselves and other people. We stop judging others by their external behavior and things they say and do, and we begin to appreciate their inner soul. We begin to understand that the annoying actions, feelings and personality traits that separate us from others are only external masks that conceal the true human being. Beneath the mask there is a pristine soul that makes him/her a special human being. The energy of the happiness allows us to break through the mask and see what is beneath. On Purim we dress up, reminding ourselves and others that our outward appearance and behavior is always a mask. We realize that all those things that separate us from each other have nothing to do with our real identity. The celebration of Purim gives us the ability to look behind the mask and discover the real person.

Somehow, when we wear the real masks on Purim, we may be more real than we are when we wear “masks” all year long.

Once the chag is over, notes Esther Kurtz, in “The Masks We Wear” we may remove the makeup and costumes, but we then again slip on the psychological masks we wear most of our lives. The psychologist Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, spoke about the “persona” which is Latin for the masks worn by Roman actors, that all of us wear to fit into the society and culture in which we live.

Of course, there is a positive aspect of wearing masks. It allows us to respond appropriately to a co-worker, even when we might be inclined to yell at him. It helps us to display patience, even when we have “lost it” with our children.  It allows us to use the CALM technique (Cool down; Assess options; Listen with empathy; Make a plan), and look calm, even when we are not. Our calm, in turn, helps keep our child calm. There is some healthy inhibition that we do display which does help us with interpersonal interactions. Masks can also protect us when we need to put up a brave front, when we are nervous, but do not want to let on that we are, or do not want a family member to worry as well.  

There are also “aspirational masks”- as one might wish to be more calm, so he acts as if he were, and eventually his behavior might change and he might actually be more calm.  This brings me to my favorite comment of the Sefer HaChinuch on Mitzvah 16-

דע, כי האדם נפעל כפי פעלותיו, ולבו וכל מחשבתיו תמיד אחר מעשיו שהוא עוסק בהם אם טוב ואם רע,

You must know, that a man is acted upon according to his actions; and his heart and all his thoughts always follow after the actions that he does - whether good or bad.

The Sefer HaChinuch continues to say that if someone who is evil decides to do mitzvot eventually his heart will go after his actions and he will become good. And, vice versa, if a Tzaddik is forced to engage in evil behaviors, eventually he will become evil.  “Fake it until you make it” may have some benefit.  

One more item about positive masks, when it comes to raising our children. We often have character traits and behaviors we would like to inculcate in our children. We need to follow the “oxygen mask principle” which is put your own mask on first before you help your child.  Children notice everything about us, and absorb the behaviors they see us do. We need to work on ourselves first- which at times involves putting on that aspirational mask.

Of course, there are also negative aspects to wearing masks. Teens, especially, are known for the masks they wear.  While our teens have been preparing their Purim masks for weeks now, adolescence itself is a busy stage of life where they are constantly trying on new identities to see what fits.

In “The Teen Mask In The Classroom- Understanding Why Teens Wear A Mask And What It Is Really Covering Up” Maggie Dent speaks about the masks we confront daily with teens. Of course, there are the physical masks, (much of which are not allowed in a Yeshiva dress code)- heavy makeup, body piercings, and unusual clothing choices. But, then there are the “metaphorical masks.” Teens are searching for independence, while at the same time searching for their identities.  "Who am I?", they wonder.  They also are desperate to belong. Some teens try on different identities while growing up, thus wearing different masks.  Some are so desperate to be accepted, they wear a mask to make themselves seem like everyone else.  And, of course, they are terrified of others thinking they are not good enough. In a video that we show the sixth graders in Advisory we call this the “terrible toos” - people will think I’m too thin, I’m too fat, I’m too smart, I’m too dumb, I’m too… you name it.

Dent names particular masks that our adolescents might wear:

The invisible mouse, (never wants to be noticed, hardly speaks in class, always wears headphones and looks away), princess nasty- ( dresses to “kill,” is the fashion police and particularly good at eye rolling at others), the Jock, the smart alec, the drama queen, the clown, the bully, the people pleaser, and the victim (who wears the “poor me” mask).  The more uncertain a teen feels the more he may feel the need to wear the mask. The more respected and safer he feels, the more he is able to be his authentic self. It is our job as the adults in their lives to help them feel respected and safe so they can remove their masks. Children should never be defined or judged by the masks they wear.  The masks are all worn when our teens are frightened and uncertain and they are trying protect themselves from your seeing who they really are- whether the sadness, anger, or confusion inside.  The more they trust the adults around them, the more easily those masks will come down.

But, in general, there is a lack of certainty and security in the teenage years which often looks like arrogance and bravado, as they wear those masks to cover their insecurity. They may say we, as adults, have no idea what we are talking about and their saying that  is often a mask.

As adults another way we can help them find the strength to remove those masks is by modelling for our children comfort with who we are.  We need to every so often talk about our own strengths and model self-love, so that they can be kind towards themselves and not have to pretend to be someone else. This does not mean we do not speak about our lackings and strive for improvement,  (also important to model for our children so they see that we too are not perfect), but to stress that our motivation to improve is internal and not external.

Then there is the mask that often boys are encouraged to wear, where they are raised “don’t talk about your feelings, be strong, never show weakness.”  I wrote  about this in 2017 after watching the 2015 documentary  “The Mask You Live In” which discusses the stereotypical demands placed on boys today to mask their feelings  which often leads to their covering them up with anger.  The film depicts how boys are often raised to not be their authentic selves, and to cover up their true feelings.  They may look cold or detached, but are truly full of anxiety and hurt feelings. But, unless they articulate those feelings, we cannot help them.  We, as parents, need to encourage our boys to express their worries and thoughts.

So, how do we know if themasks we and our teens are wearing are healthy or harmful, asks Kurtz.  If you are thinking “What if people saw/knew about this?” then that is a sign you are not donning the mask for yourself, but you are donning it for others.

This Purim, as we wear our masks, may we look beyond our own masks and the masks of others to discover the real person underneath the mask.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began a unit on Friendship and discussed how to choose a friend.

Seventh Grade: Students began delving into the BDS issue, how it impacts Israel and why it is an injustice.

Eighth Grade: Students finished up a lesson on the dangers of alcohol.