Raising "Screenagers" During This Covid- 19 Time

“Should you let your kids get that app? Kids are asking for all kinds of new apps and games after months of being home. Your 8-year-old wants a Nintendo Switch. Your 10-year-old wants a smartphone.  Your 12- year- old wants to use Snapchat.  And all the kids want to be on TikTok.”  These are the words of Devorah Heitner of “Raising Digital Natives” fame https://www.raisingdigitalnatives.com/.  She aptly expresses what we are all feeling as parents- how can we set technology boundaries during this time of social distancing?  

Those of us in the middle school know that we have been exposing our students as much as possible in Advisory and their technology classes to the importance of limiting their technology use and staying safe on-line.  We have offered both school and inter-school workshops for students and parents on the topic.  We have spent years bringing this important issue to the fore.  And, now, since social distancing it as if it has all been thrown out the window. 

They are bored, with nothing to do at home so they turn to their technology.  In fact, many students share with me that the only way they can socialize is through their technology- whether social media or playing games like Fortnite with friends.   It was easier to say no, says Dr. Heitner, when there were other options.  

So, what should you say when your child asks you for that new app? Heitner says it is okay to admit you aren’t sure.  “I don’t know enough about this app to make a good decision right now.”  “I can’t answer that right now. This isn’t a good time for me.” “ I need time to look into that with you. Let’s set a time to talk about it.” The key is a discussion of why they want it. Often the reason they want that particular app can be satisfied with a different app or device that is much safer for them to have. 

Or if you are ready to allow them to have an app they have never had, they need to understand all the safety issues and privacy settings.  Parents also need to decide what kind of oversight they need to have over what their children are doing.  How much supervision do your children need? How much self- regulation and autonomy can they and should they have?  Heitner also speaks of “training wheels” and giving children a trial period with a new app or device.  And, actually, being at home with your children all day might be a good time to try something out with your oversight. It depends on the child and the situation. 

And, then there is the importance of stressing no device in the bedroom overnight- still tried and true! We have spent much time in Advisory discussing how distracting cellphones are during zoom classes. I have had a number of parent- student meetings via zoom in the past week working out an arrangement to leave cellphones out of the room during school hours.  

Students always are surprised when I share with them the research study from the University of Texas at Austin,  (and I have shared this a number of times these past weeks!),  where 500 students were randomly assigned to keep their cellphones face down on their desks or in another room, or in their bag or pocket.  The phones were on silent.  They then were tested and asked to complete a letter sequencing task and a series of math problems.  They found that those who kept their phones either on their desks or in their pockets did worse on those tasks than those who put their phones in the other room.  The researchers noted that  “The results of experiment 1 indicate that the mere presence of participants’ own smartphones impaired their performance on tasks that are sensitive to the availability of limited-capacity attentional resources.”  

A similar study was done when students were either left to leave their phones in the other room or on their desks either facing up or facing down. Some were asked to put their phones on silent, while others were asked to shut their phones off completely.  Again- same results. Just having their phones on them drains mental resources.  Our phones are attractive. Our mental energy is drawn to keep our attention focused on the objects we desire.  Hence, no phones in the room during class time! (Feel free to repeat this study to your child just in case I didn’t mention it to his/her class!) 

            And, then, we have more questions:  Is all screen time equal?  As, Dr. Heitner asks, “Passive consumption with passive inputs preys on our attention and our mood. What’s worse is that much of the technology we use is actually designed to promote interminable idleness. So how do we keep our children focused and resist the siren call of endless scrolling on social media?” The question is, asks Heitner, even after this is all over, will we ever go back to normal?  As a self-proclaimed “tech-optimist” Heitner has much to offer in terms of advice and encouragement.  

            Does it seem to you that I am presenting many more questions than answers in this week’s column? That is by design!  As I am excited to say that we have invited Dr. Devorah Heitner to offer a parent workshop on technology use during this time of social distancing to our parents and have joined with the five other local Yeshiva day schools for this opportunity. So, join us Sunday June 7 at 8:00 pm to hear more from Dr. Devorah Heitner directly.   (see flyer below). I  have received Dr. Heitner’s material via e-mail for years. When this social distancing/distance learning began I considered that I needed her guidance and advice as a parent.  I then reached out to her and was so excited to learn that she was offering workshops via zoom and I knew we had to have her!  We are proud to partner with the other schools to bring her expertise to our community.  Looking forward to seeing you there and hearing the answers to many of the questions I presented today.  

Advisory Update: 

Due to the short week, 6th and 7th grade did not have Advisory this past week.

Eighth grade:  Students had the opportunity to discuss their feelings about

•  Saying goodbye to Yavneh,
•  What they will miss, 
• What memories stand out to them,
• What they learned that they will never forget
•  What they are excited about for high school
• What they are worried about for high school. 
• What upset them or how they feel cheated by this social distancing in terms of celebrating their end of 8th grade. We had the chance to work through it together.

And, of course we ended with a virtual hug, as we will miss them!  Students then filled out an exit survey regarding their overall Yavneh experience.  

Memorial Day and Shavuot- Days of Remembrance

            This year Memorial Day and Chag HaShavuot fall out the same week.  On Memorial Day we commemorate those who have sacrificed for our nation, but it is not only a day to memorialize but also to remember.  As Dianne Frapier wrote a few weeks ago as a mother of a fallen soldier, “Keep your service member’s memory alive. We keep David’s memory alive in our house. His pictures are proudly displayed in our living room. His flag from his burial is with us. Matthew’s purple heart hangs on our wall. I love sharing about their service when I can. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, I always love making new memories by sharing their stories with others. This Memorial Day, like every year, will be a time of remembrance. Our David is gone but through sharing, serving, and surviving we will keep his memory alive.” 

 Memory is “The ability of an organism to record information about things or events with the facility of recalling them later at will. Memory is a facility common to all animals.”  To remember “To recall from one's memory; to have an image in one's memory.”  To remember is an active human behavior.  

Susan Crane, professor of history at University of Arizona, in the article “How Memorials Help Us Remember- And Forget” highlights that “When you lose someone you cared about, people talk about having memorial services or a gravestone or a marker of some kind... The reason people want that is so that they have a location for their memories, something external, outside your own head. It’s a place where you can go and think about a person you lost or a cause you cared about or an important event. If enough people care about the same thing, they can also gather there with a common purpose. I think the impulse is wanting to externalize the memory and the caring into some kind of physical object...And then, over time, sometimes, the immediate urgency and passion that people associate with that memory fades. There’s not that impulse toward memory that there was before.”  To remember is to internalize the memory.

In essence, our goal is to commemorate a “Remembrance Day” instead of a “Memorial Day”  through actively keeping the memory alive. 

Shavuot in essence is also a day of remembering.  As with any Jewish holiday we are not interested in the history of the event of receiving the Torah, but rather the remembering of the event. The question is, how can we remember something we never experienced? 

 In Devarim 29: 13-14 Hashem says to Moshe, 

But not only with you am I making this covenant and this oath,		יגוְלֹ֥א אִתְּכֶ֖ם לְבַדְּכֶ֑ם אָֽנֹכִ֗י כֹּרֵת֙ אֶת־הַבְּרִ֣ית הַזֹּ֔את וְאֶת־הָֽאָלָ֖ה הַזֹּֽאת:
14but with those standing here with us today before the Lord, our God, and [also] with those  who are not here with us, this day.		ידכִּי֩ אֶת־אֲשֶׁ֨ר יֶשְׁנ֜וֹ פֹּ֗ה עִמָּ֨נוּ֙ עֹמֵ֣ד הַיּ֔וֹם לִפְנֵ֖י ה אֱלֹקינוּ וְאֵ֨ת אֲשֶׁ֥ר אֵינֶ֛נּוּ  פֹּ֖ה עִמָּ֥נוּ הַיּֽוֹם:

Rashi quotes the Midrash Tanchuma and says that Hashem was giving the Torah to also those who are in future generations as the Midrash describes: 

“It does not say [at the end of the verse], ‘with us standing today’ but rather, ‘with us today’; these are the souls that will be created in the future, who do not have substance, about whom ‘standing"’ is not mentioned. For even though they did not exist at that time, each one received that which was his.”

            This is the source for what we learned as young children that all Jews were at Har Sinai. Every soul that was ever to be born received the Torah first-hand. Therefore, we are actually able to actively remember the receiving of  the Torah as we were there.  We are not simply memorializing an event of history.  We are remembering.

  As Mendel Kalmenson says, “He is not just the G-d we heard about, but the G-d we heard from.”  He is not the G-d of our ancestors. He is our personal G-d.  And, He was speaking to each one of us individually as He said, “אנכי ה’ אלוקיך” “I am Hashem your G-d.”  “אלוקיך” is in singular, not plural. Each of us personally experienced receiving the Torah.  And, so it is not part of our history, but part of a living remembrance. 

And, thus before Moshe dies he leaves Bnai Yisrael with the mitzvah of hakhel- hearing the Torah read by the King every seven years.  Hakhel was meant to be a reenactment of Sinai. As the Rambam writes in the Mishneh Torah, Laws of the Festival Offerings 3:6.  “They would prepare their hearts and alert their ears to listen with dread and awe and with trembling joy, like the day [the Torah] was given at Sinai . . . as though the Torah was being commanded to him now, and he was hearing it from the mouth of the Almighty . . .” Even small children came as they too were able to reenact and remember the day they were at Sinai.  

And, the last mitzvah in the Torah is the mitzvah to write sefer Torah.  When there is no longer a Beit HaMikdash and therefore no hakhel, the way to remember that day at Sinai, is through writing a sefer Torah. 

            A similar theme of remembering can be found in the midrash in Niddah 30b that 

אין לך ימים שאדם שרוי בטובה יותר מאותן הימים... ומלמדין אותו כל התורה כולה שנאמר (משלי ד ד) ויורני ויאמר לי יתמך דברי לבך שמור מצותי וחיה ואומר (איוב כט, ד) בסוד אלוה עלי אהלי וכיון שבא לאויר העולם בא מלאך וסטרו על פיו ומשכחו כל התורה כולה שנאמר (בראשית ד, ז) לפתח חטאת רובץ  

And there are no days when a person is in a more blissful state than those days when he is a fetus in his mother’s womb...And a fetus is taught the entire Torah while in the womb, as it is stated: “And He taught me and said to me: Let your heart hold fast My words; keep My commandments, and live” (Proverbs 4:4). And it also states: “As I was in the days of my youth, when the converse of God was upon my tent” (Job 29:4).  And once the fetus emerges into the airspace of the world, an angel comes and slaps it on its mouth, causing it to forget the entire Torah, as it is stated: “Sin crouches at the entrance”

            What would be the purpose of teaching the fetus the entire Torah just to have it forget it when it is born?  As is commonly noted so that when one learns Torah one is remembering what one once learned. It is familiar. It is not an external memory. It is an internalized recollection, i.e. remembering. “Ah, I remember that!” It provides a warm, fuzzy feeling of remembrance.  

            For our children to truly love Torah it has to be alive for them, not a distant memory of the past.  It is part of who they are from even before birth and when they were simply souls at Har Sinai or in the womb. We remember. It is a part of us, and therefore we are still engaged in Torah.  In essence by giving us the Torah before we were even born Hashem was shaping our attitudes towards the Torah. 

            As parents, we too have the ability and power to shape the attitudes of our children and what they remember. As I have been saying over and over again in my column these past weeks, we cannot change what is going on in the world, but we can change the way our children experience it. This week, I add, we can change the way they remember it.  As Dr. Perri Klass says in her article “Getting Through, Making Memories and Being the Grown-Ups” this is time in quarantine is going to be one event that defines their childhood.  Years from now, as our parents might have said, “Where were you when JFK was shot?” or we refer to 9/11, they will refer to this time as something they remember.  Instead of the anxiety, uncertainty and stress, we can help them remember the fun or even at times goofy “family bonding” times together.  And, those family “mantras” that we often quote from our grandparents or parents, we can create some our own during this time.  Most importantly, let them always remember how often we told them we loved them.  

            Research indicates that more than the huge trips to exotic places or the big events, the memories that children carry into adulthood are the ones that reflect the relationship formed between the parent and the child.  And, we remember the difficult times along with the fun ones, as during those times as well we can recall how much our parents supported, comforted and loved us.  Research also indicates that as adults we recollect our teenage years the most.  And, of course, the discussions we have about family events helps imprint them into our memories.  The more we try to elicit their impressions and thoughts about events, the more they will remember them. And, the “stories” we tell our children about what they are experiencing are the stories they will remember.

            On this Memorial Day and on Shavuot, let us celebrate those days as “Remembrance Days” - days we actively relive the events and internalize them so that our children can feel connected to the past, internalize those events and live them in the present.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the all-important L.E.A.D.E.R.S. strategies in standing up to social exclusion, and other types of bullying.

Seventh Grade: Students learned about the bystander effect and why people often do nothing when injustice is happening around them.  

Eighth Grade: As our 8th graders wind down their time in Yavneh, this week they wrote “compliments” about their classmates which will be printed and placed in the siddurim they receive from the school the day of their 8th grade dinner. 

Reframing In Advisory

In these past weeks since quarantine began, we have been popping into classes to check in on the students,  meeting with some small groups of students during lunch and after school, and seeing how they are doing in our “seemingly” spontaneous discussions during after- school activities.  While we have been hopefully keeping a pulse on how the students are doing,  we were glad this week to be able to place Advisory back into the weekly schedule.  I thought I would take this week’s column to share with you what we discussed, and add some practical strategies we as parents can use at home. 

            We began the session with a frank trigger video  “QuaranTeens - Teenagers Reveal What Being in Quarantine During Covid-19 is Really Like, ” depicting  “real teens” describing what was hard for them in quarantine and things they actually thought were positive about quarantine. Our students were definitely able to relate!   In preparation for this piece of the discussion students filled out an anonymous survey asking them to express how they are feeling during this time. We were thereby able to utilize live students’ comments in class and the results of the survey in our discussion.  Before we began we stressed that all emotions are normal.  Some may feel relieved to not be in school while some might feel upset about it.  Some might feel zoom learning is working great for them, while some might feel they cannot even focus. All feelings are normal.  

Some of the issues/ideas that students brought up in person and in the survey were being distracted by at-home distractions during  distance learning or conversely finding it easier to pay attention during zoom learning!  Many shared that having their phones near them during class time was distracting.  We did discuss the pluses of having the phone outside of the room where they are taking class.  Some frankly shared that texting and house party were definitely enticing during class.  We shared strategies to  stop being distracted by our phones. 

The loneliness of not being able to socialize in school was felt by many.  Some felt like they were still connecting sufficiently with peers, while others were thirsting for more and were feeling socially isolated. But, overall they miss their friends!  Some expressed worries about their grandparents getting sick and shared what they did to stay connected with them.  Students were proud to share new hobbies and activities they were engaging in at home to stay busy.   (We have a student learning German!!) Many were happy to share that they were enjoying the family time- especially when parents who usually work long hours are home more.   Students discussed that they are wasting a lot of time and spending too much time on technology.  But, they were grateful for more free time too (and Neflix!).  We talked about the importance of spending more time outdoors, and even making daily schedules so we don’t spend too much time on technology (aka, Fortnite). 

It was mostly unanimous that students expressed that at first when they heard school was closed they were ecstatic.  “Longest snow day ever!!!”  Time off from school- yay!  But, when they realized this was not ending anytime soon they were dejected.  (Although a number of them were upset when they realized they would miss Shushan Purim!)   Students expressed sadness for missing milestones and activities- bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, softball season, chicken kashering, a real color war, graduations… 

            We then watched another video called “Lesson From A Latte” by Talia Rosenbaum.  In the video she cooks a potato, an egg and makes a latte with hot water. She discussed that when we have hot water,  (representing tough times like the quarantine we are in now),  we can be like a potato which becomes mushy and falls apart under pressure.  We can be like an egg, which hardens and becomes angry.  Or, we can take the hot water and make a delicious latte.  We can take the hot water and make something more delicious.  We have the choice how we are going to react. We reference the Viktor Frankl quote (that we mentioned in a previous column) “Everything can be taken away from a man or a woman but one thing; the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…”  

            We discussed how we may not have the choice about what is happening in the world right now, but we can choose our attitude. We can see the world as a cup half full or half empty.  We may not be able to control what is going on around us at all times- that we are in isolation and in distance learning, but there are things we can control.  This graphic below highlights some of the areas we discussed that we can control. 

            The truth is,  some of this “stinks” and there are things that we are missing. But, even though it is not how we imagined it would be, we can handle this. 

            We ended the session with a focus on the word “reframing.”  I showed them this video which is  a prime example of the power of reframing. (Definitely worth watching if you haven’t seen it yet). Concept Video the Power of Letters:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8fMcrGC5c0

Reframing is the ability to look at a situation and change its meaning and see it from a different perspective.  A person’s point of view is based on the frame in which it is viewed.  The moment something happens to us we decide what meaning the situation has for us. You don’t make the team. What are some positive things that might come from not making the team? More free time to hang with friends. Less pressure to fit in homework.  

            As adults in the lives of our teens, first we need to empathize and agree,  “This is challenging. It stinks.” Then we can help them reframe by asking them, “What positives might come out of this?”  Instead of viewing it in a negative frame we can view it in a positive frame. We can help remind them that their first reaction is only one possible outlook.  We can assist them in redefining a problem- which is overwhelming, instead as a challenge- which can be stimulating. When we reframe we are not denying that the challenge is difficult, but we can manage.  

            Cognitive distortions can get in the way of our being able to reframe situations, as Dylan Buckley notes in his article “What Is Cognitive Reframing And Why Do Therapists Use it?” Cognitive distortions like a.  All or nothing thinking- situations are either all good or all bad.  b. Over- generalization- something happened once in a particular way so it will happen again (which is hardly ever accurate).  c. Magical Thinking- something illogical can affect an outcome,  d. Magnifying or minimizing- either making things bigger than they are or seeing them as less important than they are. e. Emotional Reasoning- we base our conclusions on the way we feel rather than on valid evidence. f. Personalizing- we take something that is not about us and make it as if it was directed towards us.  g. Negative/positive predictions- we tend to make the same sort of predictions- whether negative or positive, based on our assumptions and not facts. h. Catastrophizing-  when something happens we believe it is worse than it is and we believe it will have significant impact on our lives.  i. Negatively or positively biased recall- we remember past events in an unrealistically positive or negative light.

            What we think can have a significant impact on our ability to reframe situations. Harmful thinking patterns can stand in the way of that reframing.  We can help our teens stop zooming in on the negative (pun intended!)  We should not squelch their negative thoughts, as thought stopping can make it worse. But, rather help them examine their thoughts and see if they are  realistic and helpful. 

            Some practical ways to do so,as noted by Dr. Raychelle Lohmann, is by looking at the situation from the outside looking in by removing ourselves from the situation and observing it objectively and putting distance between ourselves and the situation. What would I think if someone else was in my situation?  Or we can “put on our detective hats”?  What are the facts and what are my feelings? Do they match up or are my feelings magnifying the situation.  And then, “hold your horses.”  When your inner voice is telling you to be negative, “take hold of the reins and hold your horses.”  Stop your emotions from running wild and slow down to consider all your options before reaching the wrong conclusions.   And, finally, “sift through the dirt to find the gold.” We may need to sift through a whole bunch of dirt before we find that nugget, as a gold miner would do.  We need to challenge ourselves to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

            Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, in his book Happier writes about the key to happiness. He aptly summarizes what we have been saying. “Happiness is not merely contingent on what we do or where we are but on what we choose to perceive.”  

           

Happy Mothers Day To All The Mothers Who Keep It Real!

            “I am a fraud.  Three kids, and I still have no idea what I’m doing. A Real Mother would know how to deal with a child’s tantrums, how to put children to sleep calmly and smoothly, how to answer every last question. She would glide through the day with an air of equanimity and poise, doling out nutritious foods and sincere compliments,” begins the 2018 article “Am I A Real Mother Yet?”  by Elana Rothberg.   

Rothberg continues to confess what is really going on in her home and that she does not feel like a “real mother.”  “On a good day, I give my kids cereal and milk (a carb and a protein!) and call it dinner, criticizing and nagging all the while, answering most of their questions with “I have no idea.” (And honestly, I don’t really care to find out the answer to where do mosquitoes build their homes.)  I pretend, I fluff, I act assured and confident, while inside, I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone else take care of me. Can someone else tuck my kids, and me, into bed? A few years or so of uninterrupted, deep sleep sounds about right.”

As I re-read this article it struck me as related to my “good enough” parenting article a few weeks ago, stressing self- compassion. It will not all be perfect, but that’s not only okay, but better for our children’s development of resiliency and success in life.   And, in essence, Rothberg’s description of her real home is similar to many of our homes, especially during this COVID-19 existence. I barely have enough time to shovel some cereal into my own mouth in between zoom meetings, zoom class visits, zoom lunch bunches etc.  (I am repeating the word “zoom” for effect. Yes, it does feel as if it is constant!)  

Rothberg wonders, how much do you have to achieve to wear the badge of “Real Mother”?  For now, she believes she has faked it well enough for her children.  But, when will they figure it out?  Then she recounts a story of how there was a bird in their home and she became hysterical.  “It was so clear I had no idea what to do, that I couldn’t rid my home of the would-be predator. It signified all my failings, that I couldn’t protect my children, that I am ignorant and incompetent...that I am a Fake Mother.”  At the end of the day, when discussing with her children, she realized that all they saw was the hysterics and the giggles. While she had no idea what she was doing, they loved every minute of it. She finally figures out that while we might feel inside as if we do not know what we are doing when our children look at us they simply see… their mothers.  This reminds me of a picture someone recently forwarded to me. 

            While we might be feeling, especially during this COVID 19 time, “Should I be doing more? I look a mess! I am failing them. I wish I had it more together. Am I good enough? Am I present enough?” all they are thinking is, “I love her.” 

And, perhaps a real mother is supposed to admit her ignorance, and inability to do things. (My children know that when the zoom is not working- I yell on top of my lungs, muted, of course- for them to hurry to help me!)  They learn that their mother is “perfectly imperfect,” but is real with all her flaws.  We thereby give our children permission to be imperfect as well. After “I love you,” “I don’t know” are the best three words a child can hear from his/her mother.  

Today happens to be my grandmother, a”h, birthday.   My Bobbi was a Hungarian Holocaust survivor who baked delicious kokosh and gave the best hugs. She was a women who carried herself with grace and personality.  I was thinking about a song that she used to sing to us in Yiddish called “Sheyn vi di Levone” - As Beautiful As The Moon.  I can still hear her singing!  The lyrics of the first few lines are below in Yiddish and English, for those who are interested.

Sheyn vi di levone,

Likhtik vi di shtern,

Fun himl a matone,

Bistu mir tzugeshikt!

vayl/mayn glik hob ikh gevunen,

Ven ikh hob dikh gefunen,

As beautiful as the moon,
As radiant as the stars,
You are sent from heaven
As a gift to me.
I won good fortune
When I found you

  

Why the moon? While the author of the song was not at all considering the Jewish implications of the song, the Zohar states that the sun symbolizes perfection, as it rises and shines brightly each day and is predictable.  The moon symbolizes imperfection as it is smaller than the sun and waxes and wanes. Some days it shines brightly and some days it is but a sliver of itself. But, when our children see us as the moon- they see us as the song notes, as truly beautiful! 

As we celebrate this imperfect mother’s day as many of us are unable to spend the day with our mothers in person, may we recall the wonderful times and lessons- both the perfect and imperfect. 

The Blessing of Disappointment

                At 3:55 the past number of Fridays I have been lining up in my car with a homemade Mazel Tov sign to wish a 7th grade boy mazel tov on his Bar Mitzvah as part of a bar mitzvah car parade. These boys have spent the past one to two years preparing for the biggest Shabbat of their lives.  Then comes the disappointment of having to cancel. The 7th grade parents have literally taken a huge disappointment and transformed it into a spirited and memorable day for these boys. (Thank you to all the parents who have been involved!)  And, of course the girls who have missed their bat mitzvah celebrations are also despondent. 

            We have also spent time meeting with 8th grade students and parents discussing the disappointment they face with the probable (not yet definite) cancellation or reimagining of their graduation, “senior” dinner and graduation trip.  They are missing out on those rites of passage.  We too are working on transforming these disappointments to memorable moments for our graduates. 

            Let us not leave out the teams that were almost in the championships or children who looked forward to color war or even those who are missing out on their Yavneh Youth League season. 

            How do we help our children manage the disappointment they feel regarding missing out?  Some of them are even going through a grieving process that we cannot minimize, even if they do not verbalize it. We first need to make it clear that it is okay to feel disappointed and sad.  Simply offering empathy and compassion to our children and sharing that we understand how disappointed they are is the first step in consolation.  We need to make sure not to minimize their emotions by telling them, “People are sick.  Your losing your __________ is nothing in comparison.”  Validate them and let them explore their feelings and share with you.  Ask them questions so they can simply vent. 

            As always, we need to model an accepting behavior of “this too shall pass” and the realization that there are things we simply cannot control.  And, as we have discussed in previous weeks, modelling that we can only control how we react can help them get through this difficult time.  When Plan “A” does not work out, what is Plan “B”?  And, more importantly, how can we view Plan B as positive? Just because our plans do not come to fruition does not mean that we are doomed to disappointment. 

           

I called this column “The Blessing of Disappointment” which is a play on the title of Dr. Wendy Mogel’s book, The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee. In her book,  Dr. Wendy Mogel stresses the importance of allowing our children to struggle and fail.  If we overprotect them from feeling pain, they are also protected from growth.  If they are insulated they are incapable of dealing with any adversity and become “teacups” that “chip like a teacup” when confronting difficulty. 

Dr. Mogel called her second book The Blessing Of A B-.  As parents, it is hard for us to keep in mind that failure and difficulty can be a blessing.  Supreme Court Justice John Roberts took this “blessing”  to an extreme when he gave a speech at his son’s middle school graduation a few years ago and blessed the graduates.  

“From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either.

And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”

Emuna Braverman, in her article which quotes Justice Roberts’ words, “Words Of Wisdom From Supreme Court Justice John Roberts” comments:

“As the last two lines make clear, life is full of tests. There will be disappointments and betrayals and failures and many other types of challenges. No one leads a life free of struggle. In fact the Talmud suggests that if you haven’t had a test in 40 days, you should worry that the Almighty has given up on you. Tests are an opportunity to dig deep and achieve our potential. What loving parent doesn’t want that for his children?

Tests are not an occasion for bitterness or frustration or negativity. The ‘message in our misfortunes’  is not like a line on a piece of paper in a Chinese fortune cookie. The message is the growth available. A teacher or parent knows that the message has been effectively communicated when he or she sees the student or child make changes to his personality, to his effort, to his attitude.

One might be tempted to think that someone who has achieved the role of Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court has it all. What do they know of gloating or being ignored or developing compassion? But I venture to guess from his words that these are lessons hard won, some battles hard fought and some struggles still in place. And that what he wants to communicate to these young kids, as they approach the rough passage of adolescence, is to embrace their challenges as opportunities for growth. Don’t shy away from them or feel oppressed or burdened. They are the true gifts from a loving Father just as his words are a gift to his son.”

While our children face disappointment let us help them find the “message in their misfortunes” and consider how it is all a “gift.”  I know it takes some time for that to sink in.  But, it most definitely helps them appreciate all the things they previously took for granted.  And, we, as the adults in their lives, can help them find the blessing in Plan B by getting them truly excited about what Plan B has to offer.