Today is Rachel Imeinu’s yahrzeit. I grew up feeling a close connection to Rachel. My father, a”h, would run to Kever Rachel each and every time he went to Israel as he felt it was a place where Rachel truly listened and advocated on our behalf. Ever since then, I also feel that special closeness.
What was so special about Rachel that she is the mother to whom we turn? She is the one who is buried “on the way” while the Jews pass her by as they leave to exile. She is the one to whom G-d listens and promises that the Jews will return to their land because of her. As the famous pesukim from Yirmiyahu 31:14 depict:
ידכֹּ֣ה | אָמַ֣ר ה' ק֣וֹל בְּרָמָ֚ה נִשְׁמָע֙ נְהִי֙ בְּכִ֣י תַמְרוּרִ֔ים רָחֵ֖ל מְבַכָּ֣ה עַל־בָּנֶי֑הָ מֵֽאֲנָ֛ה לְהִנָּחֵ֥ם עַל־בָּנֶ֖יהָ כִּ֥י אֵינֶֽנּוּ
So says the Lord: A voice is heard on high, lamentation, bitter weeping, Rachel weeping for her children, she refuses to be comforted for her children for they are not.
טוכֹּ֣ה | אָמַ֣ר ה' מִנְעִ֚י קוֹלֵךְ֙ מִבֶּ֔כִי וְעֵינַ֖יִךְ מִדִּמְעָ֑ה כִּי֩ יֵ֨שׁ שָׂכָ֚ר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ֙ נְאֻם־ה' וְשָׁ֖בוּ מֵאֶ֥רֶץ אוֹיֵֽב:
So says the Lord: Refrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for there is reward for your actions, says the Lord, and they shall come back from the land of the enemy.
"כִּי֩ יֵ֨שׁ שָׂכָ֚ר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ֙ for there is reward for your actions"
To what actions is Yirmiyahu referring?
Well- known explanation
The more well-known explanation of the actions that in their merit earned Rachel the ability to bring the Jewish people out of exile is found in a Midrash in Eicha Rabba. One of my favorite dramatic readings to do with my students, when it fits in, is that midrash that describes how all the avot and Moshe Rabbeinu all come before Hashem begging Him to return the Jews from exile. They each come forward with reasons why they are worthy for Hashem to listen to them and yet they are all turned away. Rachel, then steps up and states,
“‘Master of the world it is revealed before you that Jacob your servant loved me the most. He worked for my father for me for seven years, and when those seven years were completed and the time of my marriage to my husband arrived, my father thought to switch me with my sister. It was very hard for me because I had a solution. I informed my husband and I gave him a signal so that he could recognize me over my sister so that my father could not switch me. After that I regretted it, so I controlled my desire and I had mercy on my sister that she should not be embarrassed. That evening they switched me for my sister, and I gave my sister all the signals that I gave my husband, so that he would think that she was Rachel. Not only that, I went underneath the bed that he was sleeping on with my sister, and when he would speak to her, she remained quiet, I answered him for everything so that he would not recognize the voice of my sister. I performed a kindness for her, and I was not jealous and I did not embarrass her. What am I, flesh, blood, dirt, and ashes, [but] I was not jealous of my sister-wife nor did I embarrass or shame her. And you living existing King, merciful one, why were you jealous of idol worship that contains nothing real? And yet you exiled my children and they were killed at the sword and the enemies did with them as they pleased. Immediately the mercy of The Holy One blessed is He rolled forth and he said, ‘Because of you Rachel, I am returning Israel to their place.’ “
It was because of her willingness to give up her marriage to Yaakov and protect her sister from being embarrassed, Rachel was listened to by Hashem.
A Different Explanation:
Rabbi David Forhman, in his Aleph Beta audio shiurim, notes another usually unnoticed act that Rachel did in Bereishit 30:14-17. Reuven brings flowers called dudaim to his mother Leah. Rachel asks Leah if she can have some. Leah replies, "Is it a small matter that you have taken my husband, that [you wish] also to take my son's dudaim?" Rachel in response says that Leah can have a turn with Yaakov that night, even though it was her turn, and Leah conceived יששכר that night. Rabbi Fohrman humorously notes:
Now if you were Rachel and you heard that at this moment from your sister, how would you react? I mean, I don't know about you, but if I were Rachel, you just want to scratch your sister's eyes out. I'm the one who took YOUR husband? Are you for real? Weren't you the one who took MY husband? I was the one who was supposed to marry him for seven years, and then you stepped in and because you got it all backwards in your mind you can't share these dandelions? Who needs you?
Rabbi Fohrman connects the name יששכר to the words in the pasuk in Yirmiyahu explaining why Hashem listens to Rachel, -כִּי֩ יֵ֨שׁ שָׂכָ֚ר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ֙ נְאֻם־ה' וְשָׁ֖בוּ מֵאֶ֥רֶץ אוֹיֵֽב notice the name יששכר in the pasuk. It was in the merit of Rachel giving Leah the chance to be with Yaakov that night that Hashem listens to her to bring the Jews back to Israel in the future, says Rabbi Fohrman. He explains that when Leah said “...you have taken my husband” Rachel finally understood what Leah was feeling.
Rachel, her greatness is that at that moment she hears that and allows herself to understand. Allows herself to understand a whole different way of seeing this .. But now, she says, there IS another way of seeing it, there's my sister's way of seeing it, and if my way is valid, then so is hers. All this time that I have seen it as so unfair that I haven't had these children, you've seen it as so unfair that you haven't had the loving companionship of your husband, and you think I've taken that from you... Lachen yishkav imach halailah - so let him be with you tonight, let me give you a gift of companionship with him, that which you crave.
Leah was forced by her father Lavan to be Yaakov’s wife in place of Rachel, and after their marriage, Yaakov married Rachel and always loved Rachel more. It was as if Rachel took Leah’s husband. Until that moment when Leah said what she did, Rachel always saw herself as the victim- as the one who was pushed out of marrying Yaakov. Now, she finally felt empathy- how painful all must be for Leah.
The lesson of Rachel is to “reach out empathetically to your sister and brother with whom you may be in conflict.”
What would it even mean to be heroes? We all get into conflict with others, it's part of life. We even get into conflict with people that we should be getting along with: Family members, co-workers, neighbors. Being a hero doesn't mean never getting into a fight; it means having the strength to get out of one once you're in it. And the key to that is to do what Rachel did.
At your greatest moment of pain, can you step back and ask yourself, What does this situation look like from my opponent's point of view? Do I really have the only perspective here? What does it look like from his point of view? Her point of view? That kind of curiosity is heroism. It's the way out of vicious conflict.
Rachel’s story is the lesson of empathy and how empathy leads to solving conflict. When one thinks about it, in essence the midrash in Eicha Rabba also depicts Rachel’s empathy, as she imagined how mortified her sister would be if she did not have the signs, so she gave them to her.
Our 7th graders are presently in a unit on Teamwork, Communication and Compromise. As they prepare for the team building activities in Frost Valley, we take this as an opportunity to teach them the skills of how to effectively communicate and resolve differences of opinion. One skill upon which we focus is empathy.
One skill that leads to empathy is active listening. Our students will the steps of Active Listening:
Look at the other person.
Focus all your attention towards what the person is saying.
Indicate you are listening by saying things like “uh huh,” “really?” or “yes” in the right places.
Don't interrupt, correct mistakes, give advice or tell your own story.
Give the person time to speak. When there's silence for a moment, don't immediately fill the space.
Repeat/ restate what you have heard ex. “So, your problem is that I never clean my room?”
Validate what they said- letting them know you get what they are saying. ex. “That must have been really awful.”
Students will also learn the steps to Compromise:
Each person agrees to work things out. If they are too angry to work out the problem, they should try again later.
Each person gives his/her version of the problem (Using “I statements”!!)
Each person listens to each other (Using active listening! - no interrupting, summarizing the other person's view etc.)
Brainstorm to develop solutions. Any idea that is offered should be discussed or even written down. Don't eliminate any idea at this stage- just jot them down.
Choose the best win-win solution- where both parties gain and lose something of equal value.
Decide how to put the solution into action.
Thank (and/or forgive) each other for working it out.
These skills lead beautifully into our next unit Operation Respect- where we start off with actively teaching the steps to empathy:
Identify the situation that the other person is going through.
Identify what he or she is feeling.
Pretend you are that person. Now, think: Why is he or she feeling that way? What thoughts are going through his/her head?
For that moment, feel with the other person. Feel the emotions he/she is feeling.
Each student is asked to trace his/her own shoes with a pen onto paper. Each person should then write his/her name on the paper with the traced shoes. They are then to turn to their neighbors and switch papers with them. Then each person is to step into the tracings of their neighbor’s shoes. We then turn to the group and say, “You are now standing in your friend’s shoes. Has anybody heard of an expression that talks about putting yourself in another’s shoes? What does it mean?” One cannot understand another until you are in his shoes. That is what empathy is- the ability to metaphorically stand in the shoes of another.
As parents, empathic (or empathetic- both acceptable) parenting is key to relaying these skills of empathy to our children. Before we respond to our children we should label their emotion, “You seem angry that…” And, “It really is annoying when that happens...I know I often feel that way…” As a parent, I accept and validate their feelings no matter if they are positive or negative, and I thereby prove to them that I am trying to stand in their shoes and truly understand them. This empathy helps us be more attuned to our children and their emotions. Research has shown that empathic parenting with adolescents leads to their having better emotion regulation and for the parents greater self-esteem and purpose in life. (Interesting to note, more empathic parents tend to have higher inflammation levels physiologically which seem to be due to stress. So while we are empathizing with our children, we also need to make sure we practice self-compassion and relax ourselves!).
And, we know that as parents, even when our children are away we will always care about them, and pray for them with empathy. Just like our matriarch Rachel Imeinu empathically prays for us in exile.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students had the opportunity to discuss how their adjustment to middle school was going through debriefing scenarios acted out by our teachers of “real-life” issues faced by our middle schoolers.
Seventh Grade:Students began their Teamwork and Communication skills unit and focused on the importance of communicating effectively and using “I messages.” (Our girls did not have Advisory this week).
Eighth Grade; Students began a unit on how to choose a high school.
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