Kosher ADHD Lessons for ALL Of Us

On December 17th Rabbi Knapp and I received an inquiry about hosting a parent workshop.  Dr. Simcha Chesner, co-author of the new book Kosher ADHD who lives in Israel, will be in America in about 1 ½ weeks.  I was told that he and his co-author Dr. Sara Markowitz, would like to offer a parent workshop in the week that he will be in.  Dr. Chesner's entire practice is dedicated to helping adults and children with ADHD,  and he is the founder of the Bnei Chayil Yeshiva High Schools for ADHD students in Jerusalem.  Dr. Markowitz is the director of an Intensive Outpatient Program for Jewish Women at Achieve Behavioral Health and in addition to having expertise in ADHD, openly shared with the audience that she herself has ADHD. She is also  the Rebbetzin of Shomrei Torah in Fair Lawn.  They both believe passionately in their mission and wanted to speak to our parents.  Within a few days we were able to put together an inter-school community workshop on December 27th.  Thank you to all those who joined us for the thought-provoking evening. 

As someone who has been working in schools for about 28 years, I have had the privilege of engaging with so many students with ADHD and partnering with their parents and teachers. It is wonderful to see how much we have progressed in utilizing strategies to help all learners. And, yet, the workshop the other night stressed for me important concepts we all need to keep in mind, as members of the Jewish community. 

Dr. Chesner started the workshop by sharing a video of a typical Jewish family at their Shabbat table. One child was sharing a Dvar Torah that she learned in school while her brother with ADHD was engaged in distracting behaviors as his father yelled at him. The Shabbat meal consequently was turned into a negative experience, not just for the young boy, but for the whole family. And, as Dr. Chesner shared, “a soul is being destroyed in front of our eyes.” “If only we could keep in mind that a child with ADHD has a harder time exercising self-control and maintaining interest in things that don’t provide instant gratification.” If only his energy can be channeled in a positive way- and the video continues to depict a different scenario, where the father instead of yelling at the child, makes him a conductor of the music at the table.  He thereby gives him a role he can fulfill and thereby experience some positive feelings. Give the child a role to demonstrate his strengths so that he can feel a connection to the activity at hand. 

 Without providing his son a positive role, the Shabbat table and perhaps the entire Jewish experience can become anathema to the child with ADHD.  The same goes for staying attentive during davening, during the rabbi’s speech, the seder, practicing bar mitzvah layning…the list goes on and on. Dr. Chesner went on to share the terrifying statistic that 80% of children with ADHD in religious or ultra-Orthodox families as they grow older leave religion.  We tend to not understand how much these children are suffering. And, as Dr. Chesner said, “Because of our ignorance, we do not understand these children, we disenfranchise them and they leave us…The misattunement between the child’s developmental level and social expectations has disastrous consequences.”

Dr. Chesner continued to discuss that in his view in Tanach the first mention of ADHD is with Esav. And, we see in Bereishit 25:34 וַיֹּ֣אכַל וַיֵּ֔שְׁתְּ וַיָּ֖קׇם וַיֵּלַ֑ךְ וַיִּ֥בֶז עֵשָׂ֖ו אֶת־הַבְּכֹרָֽה׃  he ate and drank, and he rose and went away. Thus did Esau spurn the birthright. We see 5 verbs in a row as if he had excess activity/energy and then he impulsively without thinking sells the birthright.  His brother, Yaakov, was the opposite  אִ֣ישׁ תָּ֔ם יֹשֵׁ֖ב אֹהָלִֽים׃ a mild man living in tents. (He could sit still for hours while Eisav was a hunter). 

Esav is called “אַדְמוֹנִ֔י”- “red-head” as is Dovid HaMelech, whom Dr. Chesner said was also a child with ADHD, but Dovid channeled his excess energy and basic neurological temperament into taking risks as a warrior, and used his creativity to become a writer, poet, and musician.  We know that Moshiach comes from Dovid.  

Dr. Chesner asserted, “We are great at educating the Yaakovs who are אִ֣ישׁ תָּ֔ם, but not so great at educating the Admonis among us- who can become the great Dovid HaMelech.” Dr. Chesner writes further in his book “Rather than squashing the ADHD temperament, educators, psychologists, and parents must learn to help children cultivate and develop their natural tendencies.”  The first step is developing empathy for the child with ADHD. “Compassionate understanding” needs to replace “judgmental criticism.” I think that in the throws of the “misbehavior” it is hard to remind ourselves of that. 

Dr. Markowitz then discussed the dialectic- the contrasting needs  or those of us who raise children with ADHD- in our homes or schools. We need to be understanding, but at the same time help them to improve and do better.  Dr. Markowitz stressed that even as adults people with ADHD struggle with the same neurological characteristics, but they learn strategies to deal with them. People with  ADHD have difficulty with inhibition, cognitive flexibility (flexibility in thinking and expectations), working memory, taking initiative, organization and having a sense of time.  They may not see how the rules and structures are for their benefit, and we can help them see that. 

When the presentation was over, I thought about the words of Rabbi Shlomo Volbe in his book זריעה ובנין בחינוך -Planting and Building in Education. He explains that in addition to building each child- בנין- providing him/her with skills, we also need to help them sprout- צמיחה- according to their natural and organic personalities.  Drs. Chesner and Markowitz  shared with us the importance of using this כח הצמיחה- the natural inclinations of children with ADHD along with the skills we teach them to help them develop and succeed.  

After leaving the workshop, the post- workshop Q and A and discussions among us in the audience, I left re-invigorated to make sure our children with ADHD are treated with the understanding and receive the skill-building they deserve. But, I did feel that there were lessons for all of us. For those of us not in education or who don’t have children with ADHD, I think that we need to be more accepting and less judgmental of those in our community who do struggle with ADHD.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:    Students  had the opportunity to use the skill of “imagining” what a teacher is thinking to choose appropriate behaviors. 

Seventh Grade:  Units on anger- management, self- control and gossip hit home with the students. 

Eighth Grade:  Students wrote a “Manual All About Me” for their parents. Ask your children to see them! 

 

The Life Skill of Self-control

 וְלֹֽא־יָכֹ֨ל יוֹסֵ֜ף לְהִתְאַפֵּ֗ק לְכֹ֤ל הַנִּצָּבִים֙ עָלָ֔יו וַיִּקְרָ֕א הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י וְלֹא־עָ֤מַד אִישׁ֙ אִתּ֔וֹ בְּהִתְוַדַּ֥ע יוֹסֵ֖ף אֶל־אֶחָֽיו׃

Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone withdraw from me!” So there was no one else about when Joseph made himself known to his brothers.

These words in Bereishit 45:1 are at the climax of the Yoseph story when he finally is going to reveal himself to his brothers. In reading my son’s school Parasha handout I read an interesting interpretation of the above pasuk noted by a classmate.  The language הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י is unusual. First, why does it say מֵעָלָ֑י - “from me” it should say “ from here” or “from this room.”  And, also, we know that the brothers did remain in the room- so why does it say כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ - all people?  Rabbi Naftali Halberstam- the Bobover Rebbe, ztl,  states that it was possible that at this moment of introducing himself to his siblings he would have been overcome by his emotions and would have either tried to take revenge on them or “rub it in their faces” that he was the leader of Egypt.  But, instead he forgave them, stating in pasuk 5, 

וְעַתָּ֣ה | אַל־תֵּעָ֣צְב֗וּ וְאַל־יִ֨חַר֙ בְּעֵ֣ינֵיכֶ֔ם כִּֽי־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י הֵ֑נָּה כִּ֣י לְמִחְיָ֔ה שְׁלָחַ֥נִי אֱלֹקים לִפְנֵיכֶֽם:

But now do not be sad, and let it not trouble you that you sold me here, for it was to preserve life that God sent me before you.

How was he able to achieve this feat, despite all the anger and sadness he must have felt? Rabbi Halberstam states that  הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י really meant remove all הרגשות אישיות- all human emotions מֵעָלָ֑י- from within me.  And, in fact he was successful as pasuk 1 ends off: 

 וְלֹא־עָ֤מַד אִישׁ֙ אִתּ֔וֹ בְּהִתְוַדַּ֥ע יוֹסֵ֖ף אֶל־אֶחָֽיו:

And, no human emotions stayed within Yoseph when he made himself known to his brothers. 

He was therefore able to stay calm when interacting with his brothers and reunite with forgiveness. 

These words hit home as in my role I often confront a situation where a student “starts a fight” and another student reacts in a way that is out of control due to anger or upset and retaliates. The one who retaliates then shares, when I debrief with him/her, one of two things. Either, she regrets reacting in that way, but was so upset about what the other student did that she could not contain her emotions. She then engages in a behavior or says something she regrets. In the heat of the moment, she just reacts and is unable to stop herself. 

While most share those emotions, there are some students who react when out of control due to anger or upset, and say to me, “But she started!  I had to stand up for myself!”  It then takes some discussion to help that child see that her reaction actually can make things worse…for herself, and not better.  

What is the secret to the self-control that Yoseph exhibited? First, I think it is healthy to express one’s emotions and to make it clear, while Yoseph did contain some of his emotions  and pushed aside his emotions of anger and revenge, according to Rav Halberstam, he did still express his emotions. Here, the pasuk after, בוַיִּתֵּ֥ן אֶת־קֹל֖וֹ בִּבְכִ֑י וַיִּשְׁמְע֣וּ מִצְרַ֔יִם וַיִּשְׁמַ֖ע בֵּ֥ית פַּרְעֹֽה:.And he wept out loud, so the Egyptians heard, and the house of Pharaoh heard. And, note in Bereishit 42:24- earlier on, it says,  וַיִּסֹּ֥ב מֵֽעֲלֵיהֶ֖ם וַיֵּ֑בְךְּ וַיָּ֤שָׁב אֲלֵהֶם֙ ,  And he turned away from them and wept, then returned to them. And in 43:30 he again expressed his emotions:  וַיְמַהֵ֣ר יוֹסֵ֗ף כִּֽי־נִכְמְר֤וּ רַֽחֲמָיו֙ אֶל־אָחִ֔יו וַיְבַקֵּ֖שׁ לִבְכּ֑וֹת וַיָּבֹ֥א הַחַ֖דְרָה וַיֵּ֥בְךְּ שָֽׁמָּה:And Joseph hastened, for his mercy was stirred toward his brother, and he wanted to weep; so he went into the room and wept there. And, he again cries in pasuk 14 when he hugs Binyamin, and again in pasuk 15 when he hugs his brothers.  And, then when he meets his father for the first time, Bereishit 46:29: 

וַיֶּאְסֹ֤ר יוֹסֵף֙ מֶרְכַּבְתּ֔וֹ וַיַּ֛עַל לִקְרַאת־יִשְׂרָאֵ֥ל אָבִ֖יו גּ֑שְׁנָה וַיֵּרָ֣א אֵלָ֗יו וַיִּפֹּל֙ עַל־צַוָּארָ֔יו וַיֵּ֥בְךְּ עַל־צַוָּארָ֖יו עֽוֹד:

And Joseph harnessed his chariot, and he went up to meet Israel his father, to Goshen, and he appeared to him, and he fell on his neck, and he wept on his neck for a long time.

In fact, according to Rav Michael Hattin, in his article “Vayigash, Yosef’s Tears” “there is no Biblical character that cries as many times as Yosef!” 

Yoseph was clearly able to have emotions, but also realized there are productive ways and detrimental ways to express one’s feelings. We want our teens to practice regulation, not repression. How could the students I spoke of before express their upset without retaliating and losing control?

This question reminded me of a lesson we do in 7th grade Advisory, regarding self-control and anger management. Each year, we begin the lesson with a current event that happened recently indicating a person’s inability to control his/her emotions and consequently reacting in an inappropriate manner.  Last year, we discussed Will Smith losing his temper at the Oscars and hitting Chris Rock.  Yes, we all agree that teasing Smith’s wife was inappropriate and not nice. But, how could Smith have reacted differently? In essence, his reaction led to many negative consequences for him. As we often say “cutting his nose despite his face.” 

We then discuss a Star Wars clip on the topic. (Yes, so many deep messages in Star Wars!)  One theme of Star Wars is that Annakin was unable to control his anger, jealousy etc and then moves over to the dark side.  A Jedi, on the other hand,  masters “The Force” and uses it for knowledge and defense by learning to control his emotions. We know that in our galaxy too, we have more success when we can control our feelings. 

Teens need to learn that they can choose how they react- and emotions need not overtake them causing them to do things they will later regret.  They also need to stop and think, “Is it better for me to stop and wait and consider my actions?”  And, of course they need to realize that their reactions can influence what happens next- how others around them will react (the perpetrator, and their friends, teachers and administrators who see or know about the “retaliation”) and the way they feel about themselves. 

Talking to a trusted adult (parent, teacher, therapist- (or I hope the students know I am always available! ) is often a solution, but in the moment it is usually hard for students to access those supports.  But, I do stress with students that when you feel as if you are going to “lose it” with someone, ask to excuse yourself and come and find me or my office.  Just find a place to find some distance from the other person so that you can scream (if need be), then calm yourself down and make good choices. 

 Some strategies of how to maintain calm proven by research are: 

1. Deep breathing.

2. Counting backwards..

3. Thinking of a pleasant image.

4. Talking to yourself- repeat over and over “stay calm” etc.  And, we do a whole unit with the students on “self-talk” and what they can be saying to themselves to change not only their actions, but also their perspectives. 

5. Distractions- when students have a hard time calming down, sometimes playing  a game, watching a funny video or going for a walk can do the trick. 

The problem with these strategies is that it is hard to practice them when a person is overwhelmed. Therefore, the best idea is to practice them in one’s everyday, calm life..or at least when the consequences are not as significant i.e. at home.  Deep breathing strategies, for example, is something to learn before one loses control. So, that in the moment of stress, the strategies are routine and like a reflex, which can be put into effect automatically. 

Another strategy is to help your child identify his/her triggers.  What is his sensitive area which causes a strong reaction when someone pushes one of his buttons related to that issue? The more unaware we are of our triggers, the more vulnerable we are giving the power to others to distress us in this area.  Understanding a trigger provides your child with the ability to understand that he is reacting to something within himself- in essence he is “handing the other person the button to push.” 

So, the first step is helping our children become self-aware and realize their triggers. “I notice that you seem to get very upset anytime anyone…” Once you’ve helped them identify their triggers, then ask them, “How can you react differently next time?”  And, of course, as always, model for them your doing the same for yourself- identifying your triggers and working on it- out loud, in front of them. 

As I often tell students faced with the upset of their own “out of control” reactions, they are lucky that at Yavneh we focus on social-emotional growth and not just discipline.  Now is the time, during their middle school years, to work on that self- control, balanced with expressing their emotions in a healthy way.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discuss perspective taking in deciding on appropriate behavior.

Seventh Grade: Students continued discussing active listening and real-life skills for working in groups and with others.

Eighth Graders: Students continued a unit on the changing parent- child relationships. 

The Window To Parenting

            As we end the chag of Chanukah, each year in my family we fold up the table we put under the window that holds our menorahs. During the chag I enjoy driving through the streets of our neighborhood seeing the menorahs lit through the windows.  Driving this year,  I considered that there are so many lessons our teens and we as parents can learn from simply looking at a window and contemplating what it represents. 

 While in Israel many have the custom to light menorahs outside in their front yard in special glass cases, in chutz la’aretz most light by the windows. One reason often given is due to historical concerns about anti-semitism. 

WINDOW MEANING  #1

While in the past this reason did not strike true to me, I thought about the Los Angeles initiative that was launched by a non- Jew to encourage neighbors to print and display images of menorahs in their windows this year. Called “Project Menorah” it was started by Jennifer Marshall who reacted to her friend’s  being hesitant to put out his menorah due to safety concerns.  This year, as I saw the menorahs through the windows I viewed them as expressions of Jewish pride.  

Recently, in our 8th grade Advisory class we discussed how to react to the rise in anti-Semitism. We began by discussing the important role they played by attending the rally in Washington. D.C. - and that the logo of the rally, (which was printed on their hats), was “March for Israel, March to Free Hostages, March Against Anti-Semitism.”  What is one powerful way to fight anti-Semitism (stressing that we must remain safe as well)? Not by camouflaging our Judaism, but rather by being proud of who we are. And, of course, political action is one way we express that pride. 

The window represents Jewish pride and showing the world what we stand for. 

WINDOW MEANING #2

While Thinking of windows… I considered another place where we discuss windows in our 8th grade curriculum. In Melachim I we learn of the building of the Beit HaMikdash by Shlomo HaMelech. The windows in the Beit Hamikdash were unusual. As it highlights in Vayikra Rabba 31:7:

אָמַר רַבִּי חֲנִינָא חַלּוֹנוֹת הָיוּ לְבֵית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ וּמֵהֶם הָיְתָה אוֹרָה יוֹצְאָה לָעוֹלָם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (מלכים א, ו, ד): וַיַּעַשׂ לַבָּיִת חַלּוֹנֵי שְׁקֻפִים אֲטֻמִים, שְׁקוּפוֹת אֲטוּמוֹת, הָיוּ מַקְטִינוֹת מִבִּפְנִים וּמַרְחִיבוֹת מִבַּחוּץ כְּדֵי לְהוֹצִיא אוֹרָה לָעוֹלָם. אָמַר רַבִּי לֵוִי מָשָׁל לְמֶלֶךְ שֶׁבָּנָה לוֹ טְרַקְלִין וְעָשָׂה חַלּוֹנוֹתָיו מַקְטִינוֹת מִבַּחוּץ וּמַרְחִיבוֹת מִבִּפְנִים כְּדֵי לְהַכְנִיס אוֹרָה לְתוֹכָהּ, אֲבָל חַלּוֹנוֹת שֶׁל בֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ לֹא הָיוּ כֵן אֶלָּא מַקְטִינוֹת מִבִּפְנִים וּמַרְחִיבוֹת מִבַּחוּץ, כְּדֵי לְהוֹצִיא אוֹרָה גְדוֹלָה.

"Rabbi Chanina said, "There were windows in the Temple, and light would go out from them to the world, as it is stated (in I Kings 6:4), 'And for the house, he made windows broad and narrow.' They were broad and narrow, narrowing on the interior and widening on the exterior - so as to give out light to the world." Rabbi Levi said, "[There is a relevant] parable of a king who built a palace for himself and made its windows narrowing on the exterior and widening on the interior to bring in light into it. But the windows of the Temple were not like this. Rather they were narrowing on the interior and widening on the exterior - so as to give out great light."

Windows in those days were shaped like tunnels, and were generally built so they were wider in the inside and narrower as they went out- so as to let in as much light as possible. But, not in the Beit HaMikdash where the windows widened towards the outside.  Light from the outside was not needed to light the Beit HaMikdash. Just the opposite- the light from the kedusha of the Beit HaMikdash shines and spreads out to the world. 

The message of those windows for our teens is clear. Windows represent that part of the Jewish pride mentioned above is wanting to spread the message of Torah and its observance. I recently had a conversation with a parent who shared that their child didn’t like to daven because he was “embarrassed” as it wasn’t deemed “cool” to daven.  Our goal at Yavneh is to make Judaism and its practice the “cool thing to do.”  Just by sincere love of Judaism and doing the mitzvot our love of Torah overflows and shines to all around us. 

WINDOW MEANING #3

And, windows did not only exist in the Beit HaMikdash but we know, as it says in Gemara Berachot 34b, that shuls are supposed to have windows as well, 

וְאָמַר רַבִּי חִיָּיא בַּר אַבָּא אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: אַל יִתְפַּלֵּל אָדָם אֶלָּא בְּבַיִת שֶׁיֵּשׁ שָׁם חַלּוֹנוֹת. שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וְכַוִּין פְּתִיחָן לֵיהּ בְּעִלִּיתֵהּ (לָקֳבֵל) [נֶגֶד] יְרוּשְׁלֶם״

.

Rabbi Chiya Bar Abba said, "A person should pray only in a house with windows, as it is written (Daniel 6:11), 'and his windows opened from his loft towards Yerushalayim'" 

What is the importance of the windows in a shul? Rashi says that the windows allow us to see the sky and remind us of the presence of Hashem. Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir, in his article “Windows in Shul” explains that  “While prayer is a private confrontation between the individual and G-d, the subject of our prayers include earthly matters such as health and livelihood. Having windows reminds us that our prayers are not meant to be isolated from the world outside.”  

This aspect highlighted by Rabbi Meir stresses a goal we have for our students when it comes to Tefillah. As they say the text in the siddur we want them to consider how what they are saying is actually speaking about real-time “earthly matters” that are happening in their lives- making the tefillot relate directly to their lives. A window in shul represents that the tefillot truly are their conversations with Hashem about their daily lives. 

WINDOW MEANING #4

One other window that came to mind was one that appeared in the midrash in the Yoseph stories that we have been reading in parashat hashavua. 

For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment, saying etc. At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”

Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with a challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.

So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do. They will always see our faces at the window representing that at the end of the day, parental influence wins out! 

WINDOW MEANING #5

As teens, many of our children spend much of their day looking at mirrors. As I noted in a previous column- the selfie generation-where they are focused on themselves.  As parents, we want to raise children who look out the window at others and consider what  others need, and not only in the mirror.  

This past week of Chanukah we had an incredible Chesed Team event at the Yachad Center.  I am sure you read about it already, but some ask me- Why do a chesed team event during Chanukah when the kids are so busy with festivities? That is actually the point. I specifically do it during Chanukah which is a week when our children are constantly getting- gifts, nosh, and fun programs.  There is a danger that the week will become a “mirror week.” We want to make sure that our children “look out the window” and remember the needs of others. 

This message of caring for what is happening to others relates to one other famous window found in the ark of Noach.  Why did he need a window? Yanki Tauber writes in his article “The Window” words that remind me so much of the time we are living in. 

Today, we find ourselves at the same crossroads that Noah faced forty-one centuries ago. All around us, we detect signs of a world that is bettering and perfecting itself, beating its nuclear swords into the plowshares of aid to the hungry, and accepting the principles of freedom, justice and compassion as universal givens. Amidst this calming and abatement of the mabul’s waters, we cannot, and must not, closet ourselves in our insulated arks, concerning ourselves only with the perfection of our individual lives and communities,... We must throw open the windows of our arks and reach out to a world that is shedding the turmoil of its mabul past. Our continued efforts to establish that the world is indeed ready for redemption will hasten the divine word from on high, instructing us that the era of universal peace is upon us.

Noach could have just focused on the safety of his family to continue the world- the mirror. And, yet, the window was essential for the continuity of the world. And, philosophically, here at Yavneh, while our children are not living the day to day war that our brothers and sisters in Israel are living, we make sure they are not insulated in their “arks,” but rather are reminded of what they can do to help, even during the festive time of Chanukah. 

As parents, windows are essential for our parenting role. I end with a short article written by Megan Minemann Morton “What I Saw Through A Window That Changed My Parenting Perspective.” She begins that she was “barely grasping on to her sanity” and finally completed bedtime. Her dog then indicated it needed a walk.  She describes: 

The night was silent and still, the naked trees bare of leaves for the wind to rustle. We turned back around and I saw something I had never seen before. A beautiful, little house full of color and light. Soft brightness beckoned behind the frosty, glass windows. An abandoned Paw Patrol episode was concluding on the television, its audience long since retired to their beds. The evidence of school bags and half-eaten lunches piled near the sink. Through the foggy windows I could see scattered artwork in the hallway and plates covering the kitchen table. Spotting a trail of Legos, I could almost hear the ringing of laughter and clamoring of little feet that was surely there hours earlier. This looked like quite a comforting refuge! A place by no means "perfect," but full of life and all the lovely mess that goes with it. What a happy little house!”

Sounds incredible! Doesn’t it? 

To someone from the outside looking in, it appears quite lovely indeed. The cozy, glowing lamps filling each window. The exhaust puffing little clouds into the cool night from the endless loads of laundry. The den television flickering behind the drawn curtains. The children's artwork scattered along the back hallway wall. The shelf in the mud room, disheveled and lopsided, begging to be fixed.

I wonder whose house it is? She concludes:

It looks to me like it is just a cozy, happy little nest. And so, I guess I realize for the first time, it is just that. And there is no other house, neither great nor small, that I would rather walk back into, and call my home.

My last window message- sometimes we are so busy looking out the windows at the homes and lives of others, we don’t take the time to look through the windows of our own home- from a different perspective of someone from the outside looking in. Every once in a while, especially when we have had a long day, it is good practice to stop, look at our homes as an outsider looking through the window, and notice all that we have.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students had their mock bar/bat mitzvah where they put into practice rules of behavior and manners they learned, and began discussing in class proper behaviors. 

Seventh Grade:Students debriefed the lessons they learned on Frost Valley and continued their communication skills unit. 

Eighth Grade: Students began a unit on changing relationships with parents.

The Road to Resilience

I recently watched an OU webinar where Sherri Mandell, whose son Koby Mandell was killed in May 2001 by terrorists, on the topic of “How to find resilience in these challenging times.” She spoke of her book The Road to Resilience - From Chaos to Celebration and I immediately went on Amazon to purchase it. As you may know, we do a unit with our 7th graders in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Facing Adversity in Life” which is about building the skills of resilience, and so I was also wondering if there were any elements of the book I could use.  (We actually do a piece on the special resilience of the people who live in Israel and how the Israelis are able to withstand the challenges they face. Interestingly enough, similar to what I pointed out last week regarding our “Do Not Stand Idly By” unit, even though we have been doing the piece on Israel resilience for many years- it is all too applicable now).  

Mrs. Mandell speaks of the spiritual stages of resilience which she calls ‘the seven C’s- chaos, community, choice, creativity, commemoration, consecration and celebration.”  There are so many messages found within this book. The second “C” community particularly struck me during the time we are in. 

She quotes two psychological studies which prove the importance of community in helping a person heal from difficulty and remain resilient. The first is a study on friendship done by the University of Virginia.  When two friends climb a hill together, the hill seems less steep then when they each climb it alone.  Additionally, a study in Nepal done by Dr. Brandon Kohrt from Duke University, of 141  former child soldiers found that “children’s postwar mental health was more dependent on how their families and villages welcomed, received and supported them than on what atrocities the fighters had witnessed or experienced.  American soldiers returning from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan report a similar phenomenon. It may be the support of the community that defines our mental health.”  The support of the community can determine the extent of the trauma experienced by the victim.  I have been contemplating these words as I watch the videos of the hostages who have been freed. I wonder, how can they go on after experiencing such trauma?  Community is part of the answer. 

Mandell notes that it therefore makes sense that the Gemara in Nedarim 39b 

אָמַר רַבִּי אַחָא בַּר חֲנִינָא: כׇּל הַמְבַקֵּר חוֹלֶה, נוֹטֵל אֶחָד מִשִּׁשִּׁים בְּצַעֲרוֹ

Rav Aḥa bar Ḥanina said: Anyone who visits an ill person takes from him one-sixtieth of his suffering.

Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, z”l, writes 

We are not made to live alone. Not only is the unprecedented atomisation (breaking up into individuals)  of modern life bad for our health and happiness. It is also dangerous because it makes us vulnerable to the dangers that lie ahead: turbulence, change, unpredictability. When the environment changes, people who are members of strong and diverse groups are at a huge advantage. They contain people with different strengths, variegated knowledge, diverse skills, and by working together they can negotiate their situation with effectiveness and speed. They have collective resilience. A crowd of disconnected individuals does not have that strength. 

Rabbi Marc Eichenbaum, in his article in Tradition “Rabbi Sacks, Community and Times of Crisis” quotes a recent report by the U.S. Surgeon General called, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” reporting the negative impact of this epidemic and the healing effects of social connection and community. 

Eichenbaum continues: Connecting to a community has even greater significance during times of turmoil. When a person is suffering, the very act of joining a group of empathetic listeners can alleviate individual pain. This is the foundation of group psychotherapy. The sufferer no longer feels isolated, but rather comforted when in the presence of individuals on a similar journey. Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, discovered the panacea of what he called “mutuality” when he encountered an irresistible urge to have a drink just months after becoming sober. Before he succumbed to a setback, he thought to himself, “No, I don’t need a drink—I need another alcoholic!”[

Connecting to others, as the research indicates, provides meaning in life. Today, we live in a world where community is not the focus- it is the “I” and not the “we”  that is the focus. As Rabbi Sacks noted, “ meaning involves the acknowledgment of a world beyond the self. An individualistic, I-centered culture will be one in which people struggle to find meaning.”

Dr. Michelle Borba, author of the book Unselfie calls this “I centered culture” the “selfie generation”  She writes about “Why empathetic kids succeed in our all-about-me world.”  Borba notes how today’s culture values “me” more than “we.” The self-absorption of our children has sky-rockted while their ability to care about others has plummeted.  “‘Selfies are all the rage as people take endless photos of themselves and post them on social media for others to view to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahhh’ their every ‘Me’ and ‘My’ accolade…But that ‘looking at me looking at you’ digital craze is spilling into the real world, altering our kids’ offline attitudes and creating the most entitled, competitive, self-centered and individualistic breed on record.”  This is what she calls “Selfie syndrome” and it is about self-promotion  and self- interest at the exclusion of the feelings, needs and concerns of others.  

Clearly this selfie syndrome is in direct contradiction to the importance of community that we discussed above. How can we ensure that people going through difficult times have a community upon which to rely if it is the “selfie generation”?  (She also notes the myriad of psychological studies pointing out the benefits of children caring about the community and others ranging from improving their self-esteem, happiness, gratitude, popularity, health and resilience).

Borba’s book is excellent and I highly recommend it. But, I will focus on one section of the book “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness”- they think about others and not only of themselves!!  

1. Model kindness and make sure to tell your child how good it made you feel! 

2. Expect kindness in others- make it clear to your child that you do not tolerate “unkindness” or being hurtful to others.

3. Value kindness- don’t only focus on performance or achievement.  Focus more on kindness and caring about community.

4. Reflect on kindness- ask them “What kind things did you witness today?” “What is something nice that someone did for you or you did for another?”

5. T.I.P.- explain kindness using the TIP method. Tell who was the kindness recipient, Identify the kind of act done, Point out how the gesture affected the recipient. 

As we work here at Yavneh in developing a community of caring students, whether when Israel is in crisis or during other times, we often wonder, “How can I expose my child to difficulties others are facing?” We try to shield them from pain, and especially the pain of others. I know we are all torn about how much to expose our teens to what is going on in Israel. 

But, as Slovie Jungreis Wolff reminds us in her article “Three Ways to Raise Kind Kids” there are two important steps. 1. Get out of your bubble- because we live in a selfie world they need to see others.  2. Feel for others: Don’t be afraid to have your child open his heart and feel the pain of another.  When I was a little girl, many people would pour out their problems to my parents, the Rabbi and Rebbetzin of the congregation. I recall once having my parents tell us to say psalms for a child who was ill. A visitor watched the scene and said that she was afraid we would get upset. I’ll never forget my mother’s response and the fire in her voice as she spoke: “Some children cry for licorice. Others for chocolate or toys. My children? My children will cry for the pain of another.” Don’t be afraid to have your child open his heart and feel the pain of another. 

While we hope and pray that peace comes soon to Israel, I do believe that as our students are involved in tzedakah sales, letter writing, Shabbat gifts to families who have soldiers and rallies, they are realizing what it means to be part of a community that supports others. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on manners and proper behavior.

Seventh Grade:  As part of their pre-Frost Valley unit on Teamwork and Communication skills they focused on what makes for good communication. 

Eighth Grade:  In light of current events, students focused on how to react to the anti-Semitism in the world today.