וְלֹֽא־יָכֹ֨ל יוֹסֵ֜ף לְהִתְאַפֵּ֗ק לְכֹ֤ל הַנִּצָּבִים֙ עָלָ֔יו וַיִּקְרָ֕א הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י וְלֹא־עָ֤מַד אִישׁ֙ אִתּ֔וֹ בְּהִתְוַדַּ֥ע יוֹסֵ֖ף אֶל־אֶחָֽיו׃
Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone withdraw from me!” So there was no one else about when Joseph made himself known to his brothers.
These words in Bereishit 45:1 are at the climax of the Yoseph story when he finally is going to reveal himself to his brothers. In reading my son’s school Parasha handout I read an interesting interpretation of the above pasuk noted by a classmate. The language הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י is unusual. First, why does it say מֵעָלָ֑י - “from me” it should say “ from here” or “from this room.” And, also, we know that the brothers did remain in the room- so why does it say כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ - all people? Rabbi Naftali Halberstam- the Bobover Rebbe, ztl, states that it was possible that at this moment of introducing himself to his siblings he would have been overcome by his emotions and would have either tried to take revenge on them or “rub it in their faces” that he was the leader of Egypt. But, instead he forgave them, stating in pasuk 5,
וְעַתָּ֣ה | אַל־תֵּעָ֣צְב֗וּ וְאַל־יִ֨חַר֙ בְּעֵ֣ינֵיכֶ֔ם כִּֽי־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י הֵ֑נָּה כִּ֣י לְמִחְיָ֔ה שְׁלָחַ֥נִי אֱלֹקים לִפְנֵיכֶֽם:
But now do not be sad, and let it not trouble you that you sold me here, for it was to preserve life that God sent me before you.
How was he able to achieve this feat, despite all the anger and sadness he must have felt? Rabbi Halberstam states that הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י really meant remove all הרגשות אישיות- all human emotions מֵעָלָ֑י- from within me. And, in fact he was successful as pasuk 1 ends off:
וְלֹא־עָ֤מַד אִישׁ֙ אִתּ֔וֹ בְּהִתְוַדַּ֥ע יוֹסֵ֖ף אֶל־אֶחָֽיו:
And, no human emotions stayed within Yoseph when he made himself known to his brothers.
He was therefore able to stay calm when interacting with his brothers and reunite with forgiveness.
These words hit home as in my role I often confront a situation where a student “starts a fight” and another student reacts in a way that is out of control due to anger or upset and retaliates. The one who retaliates then shares, when I debrief with him/her, one of two things. Either, she regrets reacting in that way, but was so upset about what the other student did that she could not contain her emotions. She then engages in a behavior or says something she regrets. In the heat of the moment, she just reacts and is unable to stop herself.
While most share those emotions, there are some students who react when out of control due to anger or upset, and say to me, “But she started! I had to stand up for myself!” It then takes some discussion to help that child see that her reaction actually can make things worse…for herself, and not better.
What is the secret to the self-control that Yoseph exhibited? First, I think it is healthy to express one’s emotions and to make it clear, while Yoseph did contain some of his emotions and pushed aside his emotions of anger and revenge, according to Rav Halberstam, he did still express his emotions. Here, the pasuk after, בוַיִּתֵּ֥ן אֶת־קֹל֖וֹ בִּבְכִ֑י וַיִּשְׁמְע֣וּ מִצְרַ֔יִם וַיִּשְׁמַ֖ע בֵּ֥ית פַּרְעֹֽה:.And he wept out loud, so the Egyptians heard, and the house of Pharaoh heard. And, note in Bereishit 42:24- earlier on, it says, וַיִּסֹּ֥ב מֵֽעֲלֵיהֶ֖ם וַיֵּ֑בְךְּ וַיָּ֤שָׁב אֲלֵהֶם֙ , And he turned away from them and wept, then returned to them. And in 43:30 he again expressed his emotions: וַיְמַהֵ֣ר יוֹסֵ֗ף כִּֽי־נִכְמְר֤וּ רַֽחֲמָיו֙ אֶל־אָחִ֔יו וַיְבַקֵּ֖שׁ לִבְכּ֑וֹת וַיָּבֹ֥א הַחַ֖דְרָה וַיֵּ֥בְךְּ שָֽׁמָּה:And Joseph hastened, for his mercy was stirred toward his brother, and he wanted to weep; so he went into the room and wept there. And, he again cries in pasuk 14 when he hugs Binyamin, and again in pasuk 15 when he hugs his brothers. And, then when he meets his father for the first time, Bereishit 46:29:
וַיֶּאְסֹ֤ר יוֹסֵף֙ מֶרְכַּבְתּ֔וֹ וַיַּ֛עַל לִקְרַאת־יִשְׂרָאֵ֥ל אָבִ֖יו גּ֑שְׁנָה וַיֵּרָ֣א אֵלָ֗יו וַיִּפֹּל֙ עַל־צַוָּארָ֔יו וַיֵּ֥בְךְּ עַל־צַוָּארָ֖יו עֽוֹד:
And Joseph harnessed his chariot, and he went up to meet Israel his father, to Goshen, and he appeared to him, and he fell on his neck, and he wept on his neck for a long time.
In fact, according to Rav Michael Hattin, in his article “Vayigash, Yosef’s Tears” “there is no Biblical character that cries as many times as Yosef!”
Yoseph was clearly able to have emotions, but also realized there are productive ways and detrimental ways to express one’s feelings. We want our teens to practice regulation, not repression. How could the students I spoke of before express their upset without retaliating and losing control?
This question reminded me of a lesson we do in 7th grade Advisory, regarding self-control and anger management. Each year, we begin the lesson with a current event that happened recently indicating a person’s inability to control his/her emotions and consequently reacting in an inappropriate manner. Last year, we discussed Will Smith losing his temper at the Oscars and hitting Chris Rock. Yes, we all agree that teasing Smith’s wife was inappropriate and not nice. But, how could Smith have reacted differently? In essence, his reaction led to many negative consequences for him. As we often say “cutting his nose despite his face.”
We then discuss a Star Wars clip on the topic. (Yes, so many deep messages in Star Wars!) One theme of Star Wars is that Annakin was unable to control his anger, jealousy etc and then moves over to the dark side. A Jedi, on the other hand, masters “The Force” and uses it for knowledge and defense by learning to control his emotions. We know that in our galaxy too, we have more success when we can control our feelings.
Teens need to learn that they can choose how they react- and emotions need not overtake them causing them to do things they will later regret. They also need to stop and think, “Is it better for me to stop and wait and consider my actions?” And, of course they need to realize that their reactions can influence what happens next- how others around them will react (the perpetrator, and their friends, teachers and administrators who see or know about the “retaliation”) and the way they feel about themselves.
Talking to a trusted adult (parent, teacher, therapist- (or I hope the students know I am always available! ) is often a solution, but in the moment it is usually hard for students to access those supports. But, I do stress with students that when you feel as if you are going to “lose it” with someone, ask to excuse yourself and come and find me or my office. Just find a place to find some distance from the other person so that you can scream (if need be), then calm yourself down and make good choices.
Some strategies of how to maintain calm proven by research are:
Deep breathing.
Counting backwards..
Thinking of a pleasant image.
Talking to yourself- repeat over and over “stay calm” etc. And, we do a whole unit with the students on “self-talk” and what they can be saying to themselves to change not only their actions, but also their perspectives.
Distractions- when students have a hard time calming down, sometimes playing a game, watching a funny video or going for a walk can do the trick.
The problem with these strategies is that it is hard to practice them when a person is overwhelmed. Therefore, the best idea is to practice them in one’s everyday, calm life..or at least when the consequences are not as significant i.e. at home. Deep breathing strategies, for example, is something to learn before one loses control. So, that in the moment of stress, the strategies are routine and like a reflex, which can be put into effect automatically.
Another strategy is to help your child identify his/her triggers. What is his sensitive area which causes a strong reaction when someone pushes one of his buttons related to that issue? The more unaware we are of our triggers, the more vulnerable we are giving the power to others to distress us in this area. Understanding a trigger provides your child with the ability to understand that he is reacting to something within himself- in essence he is “handing the other person the button to push.”
So, the first step is helping our children become self-aware and realize their triggers. “I notice that you seem to get very upset anytime anyone…” Once you’ve helped them identify their triggers, then ask them, “How can you react differently next time?” And, of course, as always, model for them your doing the same for yourself- identifying your triggers and working on it- out loud, in front of them.
As I often tell students faced with the upset of their own “out of control” reactions, they are lucky that at Yavneh we focus on social-emotional growth and not just discipline. Now is the time, during their middle school years, to work on that self- control, balanced with expressing their emotions in a healthy way.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discuss perspective taking in deciding on appropriate behavior.
Seventh Grade: Students continued discussing active listening and real-life skills for working in groups and with others.
Eighth Graders: Students continued a unit on the changing parent- child relationships.
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