I recently watched an OU webinar where Sherri Mandell, whose son Koby Mandell was killed in May 2001 by terrorists, on the topic of “How to find resilience in these challenging times.” She spoke of her book The Road to Resilience - From Chaos to Celebration and I immediately went on Amazon to purchase it. As you may know, we do a unit with our 7th graders in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Facing Adversity in Life” which is about building the skills of resilience, and so I was also wondering if there were any elements of the book I could use. (We actually do a piece on the special resilience of the people who live in Israel and how the Israelis are able to withstand the challenges they face. Interestingly enough, similar to what I pointed out last week regarding our “Do Not Stand Idly By” unit, even though we have been doing the piece on Israel resilience for many years- it is all too applicable now).
Mrs. Mandell speaks of the spiritual stages of resilience which she calls ‘the seven C’s- chaos, community, choice, creativity, commemoration, consecration and celebration.” There are so many messages found within this book. The second “C” community particularly struck me during the time we are in.
She quotes two psychological studies which prove the importance of community in helping a person heal from difficulty and remain resilient. The first is a study on friendship done by the University of Virginia. When two friends climb a hill together, the hill seems less steep then when they each climb it alone. Additionally, a study in Nepal done by Dr. Brandon Kohrt from Duke University, of 141 former child soldiers found that “children’s postwar mental health was more dependent on how their families and villages welcomed, received and supported them than on what atrocities the fighters had witnessed or experienced. American soldiers returning from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan report a similar phenomenon. It may be the support of the community that defines our mental health.” The support of the community can determine the extent of the trauma experienced by the victim. I have been contemplating these words as I watch the videos of the hostages who have been freed. I wonder, how can they go on after experiencing such trauma? Community is part of the answer.
Mandell notes that it therefore makes sense that the Gemara in Nedarim 39b
אָמַר רַבִּי אַחָא בַּר חֲנִינָא: כׇּל הַמְבַקֵּר חוֹלֶה, נוֹטֵל אֶחָד מִשִּׁשִּׁים בְּצַעֲרוֹ
Rav Aḥa bar Ḥanina said: Anyone who visits an ill person takes from him one-sixtieth of his suffering.
Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, z”l, writes
We are not made to live alone. Not only is the unprecedented atomisation (breaking up into individuals) of modern life bad for our health and happiness. It is also dangerous because it makes us vulnerable to the dangers that lie ahead: turbulence, change, unpredictability. When the environment changes, people who are members of strong and diverse groups are at a huge advantage. They contain people with different strengths, variegated knowledge, diverse skills, and by working together they can negotiate their situation with effectiveness and speed. They have collective resilience. A crowd of disconnected individuals does not have that strength.
Rabbi Marc Eichenbaum, in his article in Tradition “Rabbi Sacks, Community and Times of Crisis” quotes a recent report by the U.S. Surgeon General called, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” reporting the negative impact of this epidemic and the healing effects of social connection and community.
Eichenbaum continues: Connecting to a community has even greater significance during times of turmoil. When a person is suffering, the very act of joining a group of empathetic listeners can alleviate individual pain. This is the foundation of group psychotherapy. The sufferer no longer feels isolated, but rather comforted when in the presence of individuals on a similar journey. Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, discovered the panacea of what he called “mutuality” when he encountered an irresistible urge to have a drink just months after becoming sober. Before he succumbed to a setback, he thought to himself, “No, I don’t need a drink—I need another alcoholic!”[
Connecting to others, as the research indicates, provides meaning in life. Today, we live in a world where community is not the focus- it is the “I” and not the “we” that is the focus. As Rabbi Sacks noted, “ meaning involves the acknowledgment of a world beyond the self. An individualistic, I-centered culture will be one in which people struggle to find meaning.”
Dr. Michelle Borba, author of the book Unselfie calls this “I centered culture” the “selfie generation” She writes about “Why empathetic kids succeed in our all-about-me world.” Borba notes how today’s culture values “me” more than “we.” The self-absorption of our children has sky-rockted while their ability to care about others has plummeted. “‘Selfies are all the rage as people take endless photos of themselves and post them on social media for others to view to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahhh’ their every ‘Me’ and ‘My’ accolade…But that ‘looking at me looking at you’ digital craze is spilling into the real world, altering our kids’ offline attitudes and creating the most entitled, competitive, self-centered and individualistic breed on record.” This is what she calls “Selfie syndrome” and it is about self-promotion and self- interest at the exclusion of the feelings, needs and concerns of others.
Clearly this selfie syndrome is in direct contradiction to the importance of community that we discussed above. How can we ensure that people going through difficult times have a community upon which to rely if it is the “selfie generation”? (She also notes the myriad of psychological studies pointing out the benefits of children caring about the community and others ranging from improving their self-esteem, happiness, gratitude, popularity, health and resilience).
Borba’s book is excellent and I highly recommend it. But, I will focus on one section of the book “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness”- they think about others and not only of themselves!!
Model kindness and make sure to tell your child how good it made you feel!
Expect kindness in others- make it clear to your child that you do not tolerate “unkindness” or being hurtful to others.
Value kindness- don’t only focus on performance or achievement. Focus more on kindness and caring about community.
Reflect on kindness- ask them “What kind things did you witness today?” “What is something nice that someone did for you or you did for another?”
T.I.P.- explain kindness using the TIP method. Tell who was the kindness recipient, Identify the kind of act done, Point out how the gesture affected the recipient.
As we work here at Yavneh in developing a community of caring students, whether when Israel is in crisis or during other times, we often wonder, “How can I expose my child to difficulties others are facing?” We try to shield them from pain, and especially the pain of others. I know we are all torn about how much to expose our teens to what is going on in Israel.
But, as Slovie Jungreis Wolff reminds us in her article “Three Ways to Raise Kind Kids” there are two important steps. 1. Get out of your bubble- because we live in a selfie world they need to see others. 2. Feel for others: Don’t be afraid to have your child open his heart and feel the pain of another. When I was a little girl, many people would pour out their problems to my parents, the Rabbi and Rebbetzin of the congregation. I recall once having my parents tell us to say psalms for a child who was ill. A visitor watched the scene and said that she was afraid we would get upset. I’ll never forget my mother’s response and the fire in her voice as she spoke: “Some children cry for licorice. Others for chocolate or toys. My children? My children will cry for the pain of another.” Don’t be afraid to have your child open his heart and feel the pain of another.
While we hope and pray that peace comes soon to Israel, I do believe that as our students are involved in tzedakah sales, letter writing, Shabbat gifts to families who have soldiers and rallies, they are realizing what it means to be part of a community that supports others.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on manners and proper behavior.
Seventh Grade: As part of their pre-Frost Valley unit on Teamwork and Communication skills they focused on what makes for good communication.
Eighth Grade: In light of current events, students focused on how to react to the anti-Semitism in the world today.
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