On December 17th Rabbi Knapp and I received an inquiry about hosting a parent workshop. Dr. Simcha Chesner, co-author of the new book Kosher ADHD who lives in Israel, will be in America in about 1 ½ weeks. I was told that he and his co-author Dr. Sara Markowitz, would like to offer a parent workshop in the week that he will be in. Dr. Chesner's entire practice is dedicated to helping adults and children with ADHD, and he is the founder of the Bnei Chayil Yeshiva High Schools for ADHD students in Jerusalem. Dr. Markowitz is the director of an Intensive Outpatient Program for Jewish Women at Achieve Behavioral Health and in addition to having expertise in ADHD, openly shared with the audience that she herself has ADHD. She is also the Rebbetzin of Shomrei Torah in Fair Lawn. They both believe passionately in their mission and wanted to speak to our parents. Within a few days we were able to put together an inter-school community workshop on December 27th. Thank you to all those who joined us for the thought-provoking evening.
As someone who has been working in schools for about 28 years, I have had the privilege of engaging with so many students with ADHD and partnering with their parents and teachers. It is wonderful to see how much we have progressed in utilizing strategies to help all learners. And, yet, the workshop the other night stressed for me important concepts we all need to keep in mind, as members of the Jewish community.
Dr. Chesner started the workshop by sharing a video of a typical Jewish family at their Shabbat table. One child was sharing a Dvar Torah that she learned in school while her brother with ADHD was engaged in distracting behaviors as his father yelled at him. The Shabbat meal consequently was turned into a negative experience, not just for the young boy, but for the whole family. And, as Dr. Chesner shared, “a soul is being destroyed in front of our eyes.” “If only we could keep in mind that a child with ADHD has a harder time exercising self-control and maintaining interest in things that don’t provide instant gratification.” If only his energy can be channeled in a positive way- and the video continues to depict a different scenario, where the father instead of yelling at the child, makes him a conductor of the music at the table. He thereby gives him a role he can fulfill and thereby experience some positive feelings. Give the child a role to demonstrate his strengths so that he can feel a connection to the activity at hand.
Without providing his son a positive role, the Shabbat table and perhaps the entire Jewish experience can become anathema to the child with ADHD. The same goes for staying attentive during davening, during the rabbi’s speech, the seder, practicing bar mitzvah layning…the list goes on and on. Dr. Chesner went on to share the terrifying statistic that 80% of children with ADHD in religious or ultra-Orthodox families as they grow older leave religion. We tend to not understand how much these children are suffering. And, as Dr. Chesner said, “Because of our ignorance, we do not understand these children, we disenfranchise them and they leave us…The misattunement between the child’s developmental level and social expectations has disastrous consequences.”
Dr. Chesner continued to discuss that in his view in Tanach the first mention of ADHD is with Esav. And, we see in Bereishit 25:34 וַיֹּ֣אכַל וַיֵּ֔שְׁתְּ וַיָּ֖קׇם וַיֵּלַ֑ךְ וַיִּ֥בֶז עֵשָׂ֖ו אֶת־הַבְּכֹרָֽה׃ he ate and drank, and he rose and went away. Thus did Esau spurn the birthright. We see 5 verbs in a row as if he had excess activity/energy and then he impulsively without thinking sells the birthright. His brother, Yaakov, was the opposite אִ֣ישׁ תָּ֔ם יֹשֵׁ֖ב אֹהָלִֽים׃ a mild man living in tents. (He could sit still for hours while Eisav was a hunter).
Esav is called “אַדְמוֹנִ֔י”- “red-head” as is Dovid HaMelech, whom Dr. Chesner said was also a child with ADHD, but Dovid channeled his excess energy and basic neurological temperament into taking risks as a warrior, and used his creativity to become a writer, poet, and musician. We know that Moshiach comes from Dovid.
Dr. Chesner asserted, “We are great at educating the Yaakovs who are אִ֣ישׁ תָּ֔ם, but not so great at educating the Admonis among us- who can become the great Dovid HaMelech.” Dr. Chesner writes further in his book “Rather than squashing the ADHD temperament, educators, psychologists, and parents must learn to help children cultivate and develop their natural tendencies.” The first step is developing empathy for the child with ADHD. “Compassionate understanding” needs to replace “judgmental criticism.” I think that in the throws of the “misbehavior” it is hard to remind ourselves of that.
Dr. Markowitz then discussed the dialectic- the contrasting needs or those of us who raise children with ADHD- in our homes or schools. We need to be understanding, but at the same time help them to improve and do better. Dr. Markowitz stressed that even as adults people with ADHD struggle with the same neurological characteristics, but they learn strategies to deal with them. People with ADHD have difficulty with inhibition, cognitive flexibility (flexibility in thinking and expectations), working memory, taking initiative, organization and having a sense of time. They may not see how the rules and structures are for their benefit, and we can help them see that.
When the presentation was over, I thought about the words of Rabbi Shlomo Volbe in his book זריעה ובנין בחינוך -Planting and Building in Education. He explains that in addition to building each child- בנין- providing him/her with skills, we also need to help them sprout- צמיחה- according to their natural and organic personalities. Drs. Chesner and Markowitz shared with us the importance of using this כח הצמיחה- the natural inclinations of children with ADHD along with the skills we teach them to help them develop and succeed.
After leaving the workshop, the post- workshop Q and A and discussions among us in the audience, I left re-invigorated to make sure our children with ADHD are treated with the understanding and receive the skill-building they deserve. But, I did feel that there were lessons for all of us. For those of us not in education or who don’t have children with ADHD, I think that we need to be more accepting and less judgmental of those in our community who do struggle with ADHD.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students had the opportunity to use the skill of “imagining” what a teacher is thinking to choose appropriate behaviors.
Seventh Grade: Units on anger- management, self- control and gossip hit home with the students.
Eighth Grade: Students wrote a “Manual All About Me” for their parents. Ask your children to see them!
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