Back To The Future

Each year, one of our first Advisory activities that we do with the 8th graders is visit the website futureme.org.  Futureme.org is a website designed so that you can write yourself a letter to be delivered at sometime in the future.  We ask our 8th graders to set goals for themselves for the year, and then they write a letter to themselves which will be delivered to their e-mail on graduation day. They can then see, did they achieve the goals they set for themselves? (Of course, they first learn that their goals need to be SMART, as all goals they set in life- Specific and Savvy, Measurable and Meaningful, Attainable and Active, Reachable and Relevant, Timed and Trackable).

Interestingly enough, my daughter brought home an article from her class that referenced a research study that indicated the impact of “future me.”  (Who knew that “future me” was a real term?)  Hanna Perlberger, in her article “How Valuable Is It To LIve As If Every Day Were Your Last?”  recommends considering “future me” when choosing a course of action.

“As a technique for shaping present behavior, I think fast- forwarding 20, 30 or more years...is a powerful exercise.  When a upset intrudes into my life, for example, I ask myself whether this state of affairs will exist or matter [later in my] life.  Knowing that I probably won’t even remember something that’s bothering me now gives me the healthy perspective I need to make better choices about how to cope.

On the other hand, when I am struggling with a decision, I can also ask my future self whether I will someday regret that I didn’t make a certain choice. I visualize looking back on my life as having gone down either path, and I imagine how I will feel having lived with the consequences of each choice. Will I feel remorse or peace, sorrow or fulfillment?”

The research study regarding “future me” attempted to ascertain whether projecting oneself into the future can help one make better decisions for today.  College students were asked what they would do if they could not afford a computer, but were told by a friend that he knew where to get stolen computers.  Subjects were told to write letters to their “future self” before making a decision.  Some were asked to write letters to their future selves in three months and some wrote letters to their future selves in 20 years.  Interestingly enough, most who only projected themselves to three months were willing to take the stolen computers- they were unable to step out of their present selves to get a different perspective. Those who projected to their future selves 20 years later were able to use their wiser future perspective to choose the better choice- to not take the computers.  

Overall, the study did indicate that one’s “future self”  can be a trusted advisor when it comes to making decisions in life.  Clearly, writing a letter to one’s future self can have an impact.  In fact, other such research, has subjects look at virtual images of their future selves- so they can see themselves as aged-progressed images. Such subjects were more likely to save financially for the future.  Viewing such age-progressed photos impacted other choices as well.  There are those who recommend actually printing such a photo of yourself,  (there are apps that can age your image on the spot), and hang it up as a reminder of your future self to ensure good decision- making.

  As parents, teaching “future self thinking” to our children sends the essential messages to them that:

1.    If a decision does not have a long-term benefit then it may not worth doing.  This type of thinking takes the focus away from only the here and now. When I see that delicious cake and I decide to eat three pieces, I am only thinking of the here and now and not the long-term ramifications.  Future me reminds me of those ramifications to avoid impulsive decisions. It forces us to constantly evaluate our choices and not decide on a whim.   Who more than a teenager needs that guidance?

2.    It brings us to imagine our future selves and to consider whom we want to become.  Are you happy with your present self? Are you on the path to achieving your goals?  Constant self-improvement is part of considering ones future self.

We want to consider our “future selves” regularly, which will motivate us to make better choices in life, set goals and find ways to keep those goals. When we can imagine our future selves we can better make choices that will benefit those future selves.  As Melissa Dahl says in her article, “It’s Time To Get Acquainted With Your Future Self” “There is one person whose wants and needs you routinely ignore, opting instead to tend to your own immediate desires, and that person is future you. When it comes to making decisions that will have some effect on your long-term health or happiness — for example, whether or not to go to the gym today, in keeping with your New Year’s resolution — current you is always finding a new way to steal from future you. It’s time the two yous got better acquainted.”

            As we approach Yom Kippur, and each one of us is engaged in the Teshuva process, writing letters to our future selves could possibly be a Teshuva tool to help us become better people.  We know that one integral step of Teshuva is קבלה על העתיד -  the promise to not return to the action in the future.  Whom do I want to be in the coming year? More importantly, (and more impactfully, according to the research),  whom do I want to be in 20 years or 30 years?  What can I do now to change and become that person? Unlike Marty McFly in Back To The Future, we cannot travel to our future to see what it holds. But, we can imagine.  Perhaps send yourself  a letter at futureme.org,  and then see years later if you have achieved what you had imagined.

           

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students began learning how to have productive discussions and the skills needed for such discussions.  (Please note that only half of our sixth graders have begun Advisory, as our Tuesday groups have not yet met).

Seventh Grade: While our girls began Advisory last week, our boys will have their first session this coming week. They will be introduced to the theme of the 7th grade Advisory curriculum “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” through focusing on the fact that kids can in fact make a difference and the importance of self- change and working on self- improvement.

Eighth Grade:  While only a few of our groups had Advisory the first week, this past week, the rest began as well. Students began with real-life interviews of Yavneh graduates discussing what the 8th grade year is like.  These interviews launched the topics of the  first half their Advisory year. Students also played a getting to know you game to learn more about their fellow advisees and adviser- Mrs. Rubin.

A Clean Notebook? Write A Blockbuster This Year!

            As the new school year begins there is nothing like the feeling of that fresh notebook.   September 4th began a clean slate for students, teachers and parents.  As a student, it does not matter if you forgot to do your homework over and over again last year.  If you couldn’t stop talking during Chumash class...all is forgiven.  It’s your opportunity for a fresh start. As a teacher, if your lessons were not as well-prepared as they should have been, or you lost patience with one student, all begins again.  It is your opportunity to do it better this year.  And, as parents, if we didn’t oversee our children’s work enough, (that’s why he kept on forgetting to do it), or we were “helicopter parents,” and did not give him enough independence to do his work on his own, it too is a new year with a clean “notebook.”  No one has judged us.  No grades have been issued.  Nothing is yet written.

            Beginning the school year so close to Rosh Hashana begs for the comparison between the start of the new school year and the new Jewish calendar year.  As we know, at this time of year there is another clean and open book that Hashem opens in which He begins to write.

"בְּרֹאשׁ הַשָּׁנָה יִכָּתֵבוּן, וּבְיוֹם צוֹם כִּפּוּר יֵחָתֵמוּן"

“On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed, and on Yom Kippur it is sealed,” are the words we heartfully sing on the Yamim Noraim.

This image of Hakadosh Baruch Hu sitting with the books open before Him and busily writing is an image that, since we were young children, has indelibly made its way into our minds, and has inspired our tefillot on Yamim Noraim. However, when one thinks about it, a book is not only open during these yimei ratzon.  There is a daily recording throughout the year. As we know, Rabbi Yehuda Hanasi wrote in Masechet Avot 2:1:

הִסְתַּכֵּל בִּשְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים וְאִי אַתָּה בָא לִידֵי עֲבֵרָה, דַּע מַה לְּמַעְלָה מִמְּךָ, עַיִן רוֹאָה וְאֹזֶן שׁוֹמַעַת, וְכָל מַעֲשֶׂיךָ בַסֵּפֶר נִכְתָּבִין:

Keep your eye on three things, and you will not come to sin: Know what is above you —  An Eye that sees, and an Ear that hears, and all your deeds are written in a book.

            What is the message of this image of everything being written in a book on high?  Is the image of Hashem writing and recording all we do meant to intimidate and terrify us?  I know that for a child the Yamim Noraim are often seen as scary and even sad days.  I recall my year in Israel, when Yom Kippur night there was joyous dancing in shul.  It struck me as so different from the perception that many of us have of these days. These are truly joyous days, as Hashem forgives us.  So, how can we reimagine the image of every iota being recorded with a joyous perspective?  I once read that perhaps it is not Hashem as a harsh judge, but rather as a “compassionate editor.”  He lets us know which parts we should “edit” and how to improve our “life story.”  The editor is not waiting for us to trip up, but rather He is eager for us to write a blockbuster.

             This image of the open sefer particularly hits home to us in the age of technology. Aliza Feder quotes the Chafetz Chaim, in her article “Tech Talk.” “The Chafetz Chaim said that the first sound recording device was invented so the generation would better understand the teaching that all of our deeds are marked in a book.  So does the ubiquity of digital video and voice recorders mean our generation needs that message made even plainer? The smartphone culture instills in us a need to document everything in our lives.  Every event, no matter how big or small —  every outfit, three-dollar coffee, cute face our kids makes —  needs to be captured…”

Rabbi Yaakov Feitman says one can truly understand this open book by comparing it to the webcams, baby-monitors, doorbells who record your comings and goings, and items that record us without our knowing.

In essence, in an age when all is recorded, and our “digital footprints” imprinted, one can truly imagine the G-dly recording.  The difference is that an e-mail or text sent, is forever somewhere in cyberspace.  That which is recorded by Hashem is erasable through teshuva.

True that one perspective is that the books open before Hashem are not meant to intimidate or terrify us, but rather are ways for Hashem to find forgiveness for us.  I would like to present another perspective —  that the sefer maasim does in truth record all, and that it is meant to be a bit intimidating… for our own benefit.  An article from Reader’s Digest, “Your Permanent Record,” by Bob Greene highlights that other viewpoint.  Although it is lengthy, I feel including it here will make an impact.

You remember the Permanent Record. In school you were constantly being told that if you messed up, the news would be sent to the principal and placed in your Permanent Record.

Nothing more needed to be said. No one had ever seen a Permanent Record. That didn't matter. We knew it was there.

We imagined a steel filing cabinet crammed full of Permanent Records — one for each kid in the school. I think we always assumed that our Permanent Record was sent on to college with us, and later to our employers —  probably with a duplicate to the U.S. government.

I have a terrible feeling that mine was the last generation to know what a Permanent Record was —  and it has disappeared as a concept in society.

There was a time when people really stopped before they did something they knew was deceitful, immoral, or unethical. They didn't stop because they were such holy folks. They stopped because they had a nagging fear that if they did the foul deed, it would end up on their Permanent Record.

At some point in the last few decades, I'm afraid, people wised up to something that amazed them: there is no Permanent Record. They discovered that no matter how badly you fouled up your life or the lives of others, there was nothing about it on your record. You would always be forgiven, no matter what.

So pretty soon men and women,  instead of fearing the Permanent Record, started laughing at it. The things they used to be ashamed of —  that once made them cringe when they thought about them —  now became "interesting" aspects of their personalities.

If the details were weird enough, the kind of things that would have really jazzed up the Permanent Record, people sometimes wrote books confessing them, and the books became best-sellers. they found out that other people, far from scorning them, would line up in bookstores to get their autographs. Talk-show hosts would say, "Thank you for being so honest with us. I'm sure our audience understands how much guts it takes for you to tell us these things." Permanent Records were being opened up for the whole world to see — and the sky didn't fall in.

As Americans began to realize that there probably never had been a Permanent Record, they deduced that any kind of behavior was permissible. All you had to do was say, "That was a real crazy period in my life." All would be okay.

And there is where we are today. We have accepted the notion that no one is keeping track. No one is even allowed to keep track. I doubt you could scare a school-kid nowadays by telling him that the principal was going to inscribe something on his Permanent Record; the kid would file a suit under the Freedom of Information Act and expect to obtain his Permanent Record by recess. Either that, or call it up on his or her computer and delete it.

As for us adults, it has been so long since we believed in the Permanent Record that the very mention of it now brings a nostalgic smile to our faces. We feel naive for ever having believed there was such a thing.

            We live in a society where “everything goes,” and some even gain fame and glory from their misdeeds. But, we as Jews do not believe that is the case.  Jews are meant to be רחמנים ביישנים וגומלי חסדים — to have a sense of shame —  (as noted in Yevamot 89a).  In fact, Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler in Michtav M’Eliyahu Part 1, page 253 asserts that when a person feels ashamed of a sin, not only is that sin forgiven but all of his sins are forgiven. His shame demonstrates that he is ashamed that he transgressed Hashem’s will.

 There is some shame that is missing in the general culture today.  It is good for our religious development for us to realize that someone is always watching and recording. It creates a sense of responsibility to actually do the right thing...even when no one is physically there.  With our students, we often use the imagery that in order to decide if an act is appropriate, ask yourself — would you do it if someone you respect, your teacher, principal, the President was standing there and watching? As parents, we do not want to raise fearful and nervous children, but we do want to raise children who have some sense that everything they do matters and counts.  Sometimes, we are so focused on raising children who are always feeling good about themselves that we forget to help them do what it is right.  It is for their and our  benefit to envision Hashem’s book open and recording. 

There has been much recent research on the benefit of some inner sense of shame.   In the past, psychologists all maintained that shame was maladaptive and harmful.  However, research from the National Academy of Sciences demonstrates that shame is actually a way of maintaining social order.  As Amy Ellis Nutt writes in her article  “Feel Ashamed? Good For You!”  “Step out of line, transgress the codes of normal behavior, and we risk being devalued by others in the community. Shame, or the fear of it, prevents us from acting outside the norm.  In other words, it is a healthy defense mechanism.”  As the authors of the study maintain that shame is “...designed to deter injurious choices and to make the best of bad situation.”  We need shame to succeed as a society.   As Shoshana Kordova writes in her article, “The Evolutionary Advantage of Feeling Ashamed of Yourself,” anticipating the shame we will feel if we, for example, become a thief and are found out, helps prevent us from stealing in the first place.

This does not mean that as parents we should shame our children That sort of inescapable shame can lead to depression, anxiety  and low self-esteem. Rather to raise them with an inner sense of  shame- בושה and a sense of that  what they do does impact on others,  and they do need to think before they do.  Not everything goes. 

As we stand at the start of the school year with clean notebooks, and  before Hashem and ask Him to inscribe us in the book of life,  may we remember that the book’s editor is compassionate, inspirational, and instructive during the Yamim Noraim and each and every day of our lives.  It is now our chance for each one of us to write our own blockbusters- whether in school or in life.

May we all merit a כְּתִיבָה וַחֲתִימָה טוֹבָה.

Advisory Update:

Due to the fact that we did not have a full week of school, some of our groups have begun Advisory, while some will start  when they have their first session.  But, those who did have Advisory covered…

Sixth Grade: Students learned about the goals of Advisory and got to know each other through a puzzle making activity.

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of the 7th grade Advisory curriculum “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” through focusing on the fact that kids can in fact make a difference and the importance of self- change and working on self- improvement.

Eighth Grade:  Students began with real-life interviews of Yavneh graduates discussing what the 8th grade year is like.  These interviews launched the topics of the  first half their Advisory year. Students also played a getting to know you game to learn more about their fellow advisees and adviser- Mrs. Rubin.

Noticing "Divine Winks" In Our Lives

As the school year comes to a close and we say goodbye to our 8th graders, we begin to consider what our children have gained in these halls.  In the past two weeks I have been teaching an elective class to 8th graders on Emunah.  Why that topic?  After considering all the academic skills we have relayed to our children we also hope that they have gained social/emotional skills and spiritual skills as well.

  

“Spiritual skills,” you might ask? We know social/emotional skills, as that is what Advisory is for (and hopefully woven into their other classes as well).  But, what are “spiritual skills” and how do we teach them? I have been reading a book by Slovie Jungreis Wolf called Raising A Child With Soul. While I must honestly admit that I have not yet finished reading the book, Wolf focuses on how raising a child with spirituality is in essence good parenting. She writes,  “I have always been amazed at the amount of planning parents put into the minutest details of their babies’ lives.

 Months before the baby is even born, the baby nurse, nursery colors, the brand of stroller, and even the preschool have all been discussed.  As the child grows, so, too, does the list.  Swim, karate, ballet, art French, chess, and tennis lessons from the time they’re tots- all ingredients that spell overload for both parents and children. We strive to give our children the best we possibly can. We worry that they receive proper nutrition, cultural experiences, and an excellent education.  What is most painful for me is the fact that rarely have I heard parents discussing their plan to develop their child’s soul… When was the last time you heard parents discussing their hopes for their child’s moral development?   

            Wolf continues to stress the importance of building a mikdash me’at-  a miniature sanctuary, where G-d dwells, in our homes. It is not about having a shul in one’s home. Rather, it is about “embracing holiness in our daily moments of living.”  Children who do grow up in a home where G-d is constantly being acknowledged become spiritual.  This awareness of G-d exists in good times and bad. During challenging times, this child sees all of life challenges through a spiritual eye.

            There is a plethora of research indicating the positive impact of spirituality on mental health (anxiety, depression, happiness, improved post- traumatic recovery etc.) and physical health. The 12 step substance use program is famous for the healing power of the connection to spirituality and G-d. The Eleventh Step of Alcoholics Anonymous stresses the power of spirituality  and  “to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God….”  The literature of Alcoholics Anonymous remarkably refers to this power:

Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it than we would refuse air, food or sunshine.  And for the same reason. When we refuse air, light or food the body suffers. And when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions and our intuitions of vitally needed support. As the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God’s reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 97-98).

       Raising a child with G-d in their daily lives, (Emunah), allows them to face life with strength and faith.  Wolf tells a story:  On Sunday morning, Mendy and I took a trip into Manhattan with our children. We decided to spend the day at Chelsea Piers… Once inside, the kids decided to attempt the rock- climbing wall.  My then four- year-old son, Akiva, insisted on joining his older siblings as they began their ascent. I watched him harnessed in ropes, as his little figure grew smaller with each step. My heart beat a little quicker until he finally made it down. I ran over to him and hugged him hard. ‘Akiva, weren’t you scared?’ I asked.  He looked at me for a second and then replied simply, ‘No, Mommy. Of course I wasn’t afraid. Why should I be? I was connected!” It dawned on me that this small child had just uncovered a significant truth.  You can go through an array of life experiences, some quite difficult to bear; however, if you feel connected to a higher source, you never have to be afraid.”

 As parents, how do we create this mikdash me’at? By, helping our children to develop personal relationships with G-d and be cognizant of Him in every moment.

So, now you understand why I decided to choose Emunah as the topic in my course. I feel that it is a subject that needs more attention in our modern Orthodox community.  Not only is it good for them as Jews, but it is good for them emotionally as well. It  changes one’s  whole perspective on life.    In the class we spent time learning and applying the 13 Principles of Faith of the Rambam. We also utilized a book called Living Emunah For Teens, by Rabbi David Ashear (who has similar books for adults). Rabbi Ashear speaks about how small scenarios like getting a C on your Chumash test or  an insult from a friend, if one recalls that G-d is running the show, and it is all part of His plan, then our worries diminish. “Imagine if throughout the day, you found messages from Hashem. When you faced a challenge, He would let you know that He sees what you’re going through and has the whole situation in hand. When something good happened, it came with a note attached that said, ‘This is something special just for you.’ There would be no greater source of courage, comfort and joy in our lives. We would have no worries. We would feel pampered and protected at all times, even in the midst of something that would otherwise be unpleasant.”  If one lives like this, with emunah, one would always be positive.  And, on the other hand, those who are bitter and are always complaining and worrying, they do not truly believe that G-d is taking care of them.

The students had a daily assignment- a השגחה פרטית (Divine Intervention) Journal. Each day they had to look for an event in their lives where they saw Hashem. Whether it is forgetting your notebook, and having to go back to school, to only realize you had forgotten your math book too - that you really needed! Or, to be frustrated by not being able to go to the movies with your friends, and therefore you were able to be there when your favorite cousin popped by.   The point of this assignment is to open their eyes so they will make a conscious effort to see Hashem. This realization can only improve their dailly Tefillah, as they will come to see that they are truly talking to G-d.  

There is  a famous story of the Kotzker Rebbe.  He was walking by a small boy and asked him, “Little boy, where is G-d?” The boy replied, “That’s easy. He is everywhere.”  The Kotzker Rebbe responded, “G-d is only where you allow Him to enter.”   As parents, as with any value or skill we want our children to acquire, when we model bringing G-d into our daily lives, our children will mimic and internalize this behavior.   And, when they learn Tanach or even learn science or history, we need to make a conscious effort to point out the hand of Hashem.

(Interestingly enough, after I started planning this article, I noticed that in this past week’s Jewish Link,  there was an article by Dr. Renee Nussbaum “On Experiencing Hashem In Our Lives: Hashem Hugged Me Today.”  She quoted Rabbi Yudin who calls our noticing Hashem’s revealing Himself  in our daily lives “Divine winks.” She calls them “Divine hugs”- even during hard times).

So, as they graduate Yavneh Academy, or even  finish a year of middle school, are they growing as spiritual beings?  Will they carry the mikdash me’at we have built with them throughout the summer and beyond?  As we know from the famous song, based on a passage from  by Rabbi Eliezer Azikri, in the Sefer Charedim, בִּלְבָבִי מִשְׁכָּן אֶבְנֶה לַהֲדַר כְּבוֹדוֹ, “I will build a tabernacl​​e in my heart to glorify God's honor.”- It is the heart of each Jew where the travelling mikdash must be built- so he/she can take Hashem when “on the road”  and welcome Him to enter.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- They created a Success Guide of tips for incoming sixth grade students based what they had discovered this year about the keys for succeeding in middle school

Seventh Grade-  Students finished a unit on “Should I Say  Anything” and the importance of being an “upstander” and not a “bystander.”

Eighth Grade:  Students experienced a Day Of Wonder - where they watched the film “Wonder” and then contemplated through created tiles that will become part of a display at Yavneh: After 10 years in this school- what impact have you made on others? How do you think you will be remembered?   More importantly, how would you like to be remembered by others?

Memorial Day And Memory

            As we commemorate Memorial Day and remember all the heroes of our nation,   I consider that the Jewish people are the “People of Memory.”  As Lesli Koppelman Ross writes in her article, “The Importance of Remembering,” “It is memory that has allowed us to last through thousands of years of history. Our religion and our people are founded on the collective memory of revelation at Sinai. Scripture throughout commands us to remember: Remember the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8), observe the Sabbath as a reminder of the Creation (Exodus 20:11) and of the Exodus (Deuteronomy 5:15); remember, continually, the Exodus; remember what the evil Amalek did… All those memories define us and help us keep focused on the goal of our national mission. As the Baal Shem Tov (the founder of [Hasidism]) taught, “Forgetfulness leads to exile while remembrance is the secret of redemption.”

            In fact, as Mendel Kalmenson points out in his article “History Or Memory?”, in Hebrew, there is no word for “history,” as the word “הסטוריה” is clearly straight from the English, which was from the Greek.  He points out that the absence of the word in the Hebrew language indicates that there is no such thing as “history” in Judaism, rather there is זכרון- remembering, found numerous places in Tanach and Jewish thought. “ It goes far beyond semantics, cutting straight to the core of Judaism’s perception of the past.  You see, “history” is his-story, not mine. The first two letters of “memory,” however, spell me. Memory is a part of me, and history, apart from me Without me there is no memory.  Put differently: History is made up of objective facts, and memory of subjective experience.”

            And, so, Kalmenson continues, that Judaism in not interested in recalling dry facts, but rather in “reliving” experiences.  That is why there is so much reenactment in Judaism. We don’t just commemorate, we remember. We don’t just recount someone else’s story, we relive our own. Some noted examples, the seder, sitting in the sukkah, sitting on the floor on Tisha B’av or staying up all night on Shavuot.  Kalmenson continues to explain that revelation of at Har Sinai itself substantiates this “memory.” We were all present at Har Sinai- all present and future souls.  This is different from other religions where G- d only reveals Himself to the prophet, upon whom they must trust to relay exactly what he heard. G-d was not simply the G-d of our fathers, but rather the G-d that we each heard from ourselves.  In Judaism every person- to the lowliest servant- heard G-d. And, G-d addressed each one of them, “Anochi Hashem Elokecha” - and not elokeichem.  As each one of us lived the event at Har Sinai, “it turned our nation’s most seminal event into a living memory as opposed to a lifeless history.”

            The last mitzvah Hashem gave to Moshe was the mitzvah that each person should write his own sefer Torah, which was to recreate the personal Divine giving over the Torah to each Jew . And, the last conversation Moshe had with Bnai Yisrael was instructing them of the mitzvah of Hakhel- when all people, even infants, would come to hear parts of the Torah read on Sukkot.  Hakhel was to reenact Kabbalat HaTorah. And, so the Torah becomes a living experience. It was not someone else’s history or story, but their own.

            Clearly, memory, (not history), plays an integral role in the perpetuation of Judaism. It plays an important role in parenting as well.  Sarah Chana Radcliffe, in her article “ Say It With Cheesecake”  speaks of the unusual focus on cheesecake on Shavuot while we should really focusing on the Torah we received.  She notes “The custom to eat delicious dairy, which keeps our attention focused on the seemingly mundane, physical aspect of our existence, allows us to understand a higher spiritual concept. Clearly, our teachers wanted us to enjoy learning our lessons.”  Radcliffe notes that our rabbis knew what psychologists just recently confirmed- that emotional memory enhances learning. The more intense an emotion is when learning, the more one is prone to recall what is learned. 

            The same is true with parenting as well, states Radcliffe.  If we want our children to recall rules or values we put into place, we need to create positive emotional experiences around the learning.  She uses the example of asking our children hundreds of times to stop leaving their shoes in the front hall and use the shoe rack.  We need to create an emotionally charged lesson for the correct behavior to be imprinted in their memory. The example she then bring is: Let’s say your son’s favorite food is cheesecake. If you place a slice of cheesecake in a container on the shoe rack, and tape the instructions to the container, “1. Place the container on the floor. 2. Put your shoes in the spot where the container was. 3.  Take the container to the kitchen table, open it, and eat.  Enjoy!”  This enjoyment will be ingrained in his brain,  and after a few more  similar emotionally charged lessons he will remember to put his shoes in the shoe rack.  Why not a negative emotionally charged moment- i.e. screaming at him? That actually reduces learning ability, and negatively impacts on the relationship.

            Similarly, embarrassing a child to get him to toe the line, won’t work either.  Embarrassment has an interesting effect on memory, notes Melissa Dahl in her book Cringeworthy.  Psychologist James Danckert notes that we relive past embarrassments.  With other emotions, like boredom for example, we can recall feeling that way, but the feeling does not come back with the memory.  But, with embarrassing situations, when you recall it, often “you get embarrassed all over again.” There is the sort of memory to which Rabbi Kalmenson referred- reliving the moment, but not positively in this case.   We, therefore, need to be all the more careful when it comes to embarrassing our children. Those memories never fade.

            Memory does affect our own parenting strategies and techniques in other ways.  According to the journal Psychological Science the difference between parents who are able to keep it cool when their children are involved in frustration causing behaviors and those who lost it is the difference in their working memory.  “Parents with less developed working memory are more likely to lash out at their children in moments of frustration.” Working memory is the memory system that pulls up and temporarily stores the memories necessary to complete a task. When parents are able to quickly pull up past experiences and reflect upon them, they are more easily able to stay calm in aggravating situations. Memory enables us as parents to keep calm and carry on.

             And, of course, childhood memories impact on a child’s development, even if he/she cannot actively recall the event.  We as parents can influence the type of memories our children will have.  Kitty Black, in her article “Can Parents Influence Childhood Memories” cites that children who are raised in the Maori culture have earlier and more detailed childhood memories. This is because the practice of telling children stories about their past.  Parents who converse with their children often are more likely to have children who have memories with rich detail.  These conversations should highlight their feelings about an event and not just the details. Asking them questions about the event also forces them to tell the story, which adds to the permanence of  that memory.  There are also implicit memories which are imprinted in our brains, even if we cannot actively recall them. Even implicit memories can impact on our development- positive or negative. 

             How can we determine the the memories our children retain will be positive?  Memories tend to showcase a critical childhood relationship, says Black, and typically between a parent and child. “Experiences were remembered more frequently than toys, and the most ordinary interactions were remembered more frequently.  Daily occurrences that highlighted a special relationship were more likely to make the cut than a one- off big ticket item or trip.  It doesn’t matter what you provide to your children as long as you give them pieces of your heart and your time.  That’s what they’ll remember.” They may not remember all the details, but they will remember that they are loved.  

            One last piece of research on memory this Memorial Day.  In past blogs we’ve discussed putting away technology when “making memories” whether on family trip or other experiences.  There has been research on “digital dementia” that impacts even teenagers today, indicating that those who rely heavily on technology may actually suffer “a deterioration in cognitive abilities such as short term memory dysfunction.” In the article “Digital Dementia: The Memory Problem Plaguing Teens And Young Adults,” Dr. Carolyn Brockington said that one reason they suffer from poor memory due to technology use is they do not feel the need to memorize information anymore due to overuse of technology.  “We’re not relying on our brains to sort or retrieve the information when we need it.” The less you use your short term memory, the more difficulty you will have with it.   High smartphone use has also been linked to “reluctance to spend energy on thinking” or “cognitive miserliness.” 

            Memory clearly impacts on our connection to Judaism,  development and even our parenting styles. On this Memorial Day may we remember to parent with memory in mind.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students went over the finals- what they are, their purpose, how to best prepare and the actual schedule,  and planned a tentative study schedule.

Seventh Grade; Students coordinated our amazing BIG- Buy Israeli Goods weekend to fight BDS and to not stand idly by.

Eighth Grade;  In preparation for our 8th grade dinner, students wrote  “compliments” about their classmates which will be made into labels that will be in the sefer they receive from the school.  

Thoughts About Fortnite For Our Children

There has been much talk in the news of late of Boston Red Sox pitcher, David Price, and his not being able to play due to carpal tunnel syndrome.  At the root of this condition, according to some, has been Price’s obsession with Fortnite- the online multiplayer game, which apparently had become quite popular among baseball players.  While Price and some other medical practitioners maintain that Fortnite is not the cause, he has stopped playing to quiet all the talk.

As someone who works with middle schoolers, the news struck a chord as many of our students are “addicted” to Fortnite as well.  Since this game was released last September the game has been downloaded more than 40 million times.  What is Fortnite?  “It’s a mass online brawl where 100 players leap out of a plane on to a small island and then fight each other until only one is left. Hidden around the island are weapons and items, including crossbows, rifles and grenade launchers, and players must arm themselves while exploring the landscape and buildings. It’s also possible to collect resources that allow you to build structures where you can hide or defend yourself. As the match progresses, the playable area of land is continually reduced, so participants are forced closer and closer together. The last survivor is the winner.”

Although, as we see with Price, many players are adults, due to its cartoonish quality, one might imagine that many players are children- even as young as six.

             I do feel bad pointing this out as I know  how much our children are enjoying this game, but we know that most research studies point to the fact that playing violent video games does correlate with “real-life aggressive behaviors and less pro-social behavior.” And, there is also the potential of the addictive nature of this game, (ask your children how many hours a day they spend playing).  Aside from the unhealthy nature of any addictive behavior, the amount of time taken away from sleep and homework is not healthy as well. There is also a social component as it is played in teams which also reinforces its use.  And, of course, it is free, which adds to its use among children.  Psychologist, Dr. Catherine Hallisey stresses, “There is the issue of opportunity cost where time spent playing an online game is taken from other activities which have been shown to increase happiness such as in-person play, social interaction, physical activity, time spent in nature... A 2012 study used brain scans to show that playing violent video games has the potential to desensitise gamers to real-life violence and suffering.  When that is combined with the still-developing frontal lobe of adolescents, the negative potential is increased. The US Army uses these types of games to recruit soldiers [and] to train them."

A British school went as far to issue a warning in their school newsletter about Fortnite.  “We have been notified about a number of concerns relating to a free online game called Fortnite, mainly played on game consoles.  Concerns relate to its lack of security, enabling others to hack into home computers and its format leading to children becoming addicted leading to unhealthy increases in screen time. We encourage you to investigate these concerns if it is being played by your child.”

Additionally, the game has an online chat feature, which could expose children to inappropriate language from strangers. There are parents who claim that their children’s personalities have changed since playing the game and are more agitated than usual.  

Experts would state that as it comes to any issue ‘This is about parents taking power back from the video games and setting boundaries. It’s about teaching self-control.”

As I spoke about the substance addiction evening that I attended a few weeks ago in a previous column, there is also such a condition known as “internet gaming disorder”- being addicted to video games. (This condition is often tied to ADHD and depression). In brain scans, those with IGD  have brains that look like brains of those who are addicted to drugs or gambling, according the Child Mind Institute.  The signs of true addiction include: craving something, needing more of something to get the same "high," and withdrawal when a user can't have it. People who are addicted to something ignore signs that the substance or activity is damaging their lives. They may lose friends. They may stop doing schoolwork. They even stop taking pleasure in the substance or activity itself. “ What is the difference between a true addiction and simple “problematic use?” If kids are having problems keeping up with schoolwork, chores, and activities, help them get back on track with some limits. If kids truly cannot control themselves -- they sneak their phones, feel bad about their behavior, lose friends, or stop other activities including schoolwork -- they may be showing signs similar to addiction. In either case, establishing and reinforcing a balanced approach to media may help.

            As we know, it often comes down to setting limits. As we approach Shavuot we realize that this the beauty of the Torah- it sets limits.  In Shemot 32:16 it describes the לוחות upon which were written the Ten Commandments.

טז) וְהַלֻּחֹת מַעֲשֵׂה אֱלֹקים הֵמָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּב מִכְתַּב אֱלֹקים הוּא חָרוּת עַל הַלֻּחֹת

"And the tablets are the work of Elokim, and the writing is the writing of Elokim, carved onto the tablets."

Midrash Rabba 41:17 on these words states:

"Rabbi Yehudah said: Al tikri charut - Do not read charut/carved, ela chairut- rather read chairut/freedom."

  At times, we may feel that Torah is a burden, but we are not truly free without the Torah. Without mitzvot we are enslaved to our Yetzer hara, desires and animal instincts. In essence, the “burden” liberates us. Hashem wants the path to pleasure to be difficult or else we’d be out of control.  If we could eat anything we wanted we would become gluttons.  If we could have relations with anyone we wanted it would destroy the moral fabric of our homes.  So, too, our children need limits to free them from the addictive nature of gaming, and other addictive behaviors. 

Advisory Update;

Sixth Grade; Students focused on the cellphone dangers that include bullying, sexting, and particularly instagram use.

Seventh Grade; Students began learning about the bystander effect and why people tend to do nothing when they see injustice or danger happening to another.

Eighth Grade: Students viewed the movie the Wave which talks about the impact of peer pressure in the context of Nazi Germany and their own lives.